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Old 01-16-2012, 10:11 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,252 posts, read 15,040,977 times
Reputation: 20857

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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Honestly, you have no power or influence in this situation. Sorry, but the best thing for you is to move out. You can still date your girlfriend, just move out so you don't have to live in this messy situation. It will not get better because your gf won't do anything about it. Just move out.
Sounds like good advice to me. Your current situation sounds intolerable.

Even normal (ones who don't commit crimes) teen-agers can be difficult to live with. That includes my own DS.

IF it has been just he and his Mom for many years - he probably does resent your presence. My son used to be the same way (when he was younger - now he can't wait for me to leave the house).

It's just hard. In addition, you should NOT be the family chauffer for everything.

The sudden death of your mother is probably making everything even harder.
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Old 01-16-2012, 12:29 PM
 
14,777 posts, read 34,507,040 times
Reputation: 14278
I agree with others that the situation is really out of your control. You really aren't a "family", you are a guy who is living with his girlfriend and her kid, that's very different. A lot of single parents attempt to overcompensate for the absence of the other parent and part of the way they do that is by making their kids supreme in their lives. She has no room for a real relationship, because that space is occupied by her child. You will always be second to her and he will always be first, he knows this and you trying to "reign him in" will only result in your and your girlfriend fighting.

You have a choice and which one to make all comes down to how you feel. If you really are truly in love with your girlfriend and love her son, then probably the best thing to do is get some counseling. If you are truly not in love with her/them (which it honestly doesn't sound like you are) then probably the best move is to end the relationship.
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Old 01-16-2012, 12:43 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,527 posts, read 29,240,196 times
Reputation: 21263
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Noodle View Post
I have been living with my girlfriend and her son for about 5 years now.
Her son is 16 and a couple years ago is when the trouble went from bad
to a complete hell.
I am having a difficult time trying to figure out what benefit you are getting from this arrangement other than some sex now and then (and maybe someone who cooks your dinner for you).

The fact of the matter is that you are settling for a poor substitute for a relationship and you know it. You aren't appreciated, respected or loved. Tell me again why you are still there????

I would strongly suggest that you get your priorities in order and find a woman who loves, honors and adores you. Oh, and one that won't shack up with you. Find a woman of integrity who has some self-respect and honor and you won't be faced with issues like this any longer.

Kick your shack-up honey and her demon spawn to the curb and pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start all over again with a better class of woman and you won't regret that decision ever.

As Antlered Chamataka astutely mentioned, your mother will be looking down smiling when you do.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 01-17-2012, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Jersey
870 posts, read 1,217,462 times
Reputation: 876
For you to say you want her to stop the mommas boy stuff and make your relationship work is really selfish. There is one thing you should never do and that is to try and make her take your side over her own child. You arent married and dont seem to be acting like a family so if you have so many problems with how she raises her child then move out and move on. If not, then deal for a little longer and wait until he moves out on his own. It will happen eventually, just probably not when you want it to. And what is this "homeschool". He is either homeschooled or he isnt.
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Old 01-17-2012, 06:12 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,656,439 times
Reputation: 19409
Hmmmm you moved in with her. Is it her house? In that, I mean, does she own it? Who pays the bills, buys the food,etc.? This sounds like a battle of wills and a toxic relationship. I don't buy the BS of you staying because you'd feel guilty about being "just another guy who didn't stick around"...not for one minute.

You're benefitting from the situation and you don't like that there are downsides to it. Leave! Your family doesn't like her or her son. She's not welcome at their houses. You've told them way too many horror stories about them and gotten them to the point of despising them. Leave! Enough damage has been done. Let her sort out this mess while you take care of yourself. Perhaps you can find a woman who doesn't have any "baggage" that you have to share her with.
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Old 01-18-2012, 04:28 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,711,508 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucidkitty View Post
This is very common in parents where one parent leaves or die and the other feels guilty. Thus they seem to feel that it's their duty to make up for that by not making life any harder for their kid. Sadly you end up getting what you get now, and entitled brat who never learns how to take care of himself. The best thing you can do is leave as neither of them are going to change. She might after enough guys leave taking issue with her son, that can sometimes be the shock she needs to realize she needs to change.
The kid is not a brat in these cases. Very often the mother was left alone with the child and the child became her "partner" in a way that kids with both parents never do. It was probably them against the world for a number of years, it can be a very strong mother-child bond when it's only mom and child.

Now someone else comes along and wants a relationship with mom and the child resents it. The child is not a brat but a victim of circumstances. It's just one of the real dificulties for people in such relationships.
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Old 01-18-2012, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,656,439 times
Reputation: 19409
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
The kid is not a brat in these cases. Very often the mother was left alone with the child and the child became her "partner" in a way that kids with both parents never do. It was probably them against the world for a number of years, it can be a very strong mother-child bond when it's only mom and child.

Now someone else comes along and wants a relationship with mom and the child resents it. The child is not a brat but a victim of circumstances. It's just one of the real dificulties for people in such relationships.
Exactly! The question is, how many men HAS this boy seen come and go in their lives? He's probably seen enough of them to know that this is just another one who's there for his MOM, not someone who wants them to be a "real family". It's probably been a rollercoaster ride for that boy. He's the man of the house, not he's just a kid kicked to the curb...repeat.
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Old 01-18-2012, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Austin, TX
2,707 posts, read 4,652,085 times
Reputation: 2168
Have you tried taking the boy out for some one on one with you? Like bowling or paint ball; something that you can do together to help your relationship grow?
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Old 01-18-2012, 10:45 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,333,321 times
Reputation: 32238
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Exactly! The question is, how many men HAS this boy seen come and go in their lives? He's probably seen enough of them to know that this is just another one who's there for his MOM, not someone who wants them to be a "real family". It's probably been a rollercoaster ride for that boy. He's the man of the house, not he's just a kid kicked to the curb...repeat.
This.

The boy's grandfather (a possible loving roll model) is dead. His birth father is a deadbeat dad. His mother is shacking up with someone. And that someone's family hates this boy and refuses to have anything to do with him. (Which the boy is well aware of. That must hurt like heck.)

Plus if the OP wants respect, I'm wondering what he's done to earn respect.

I'd be more surprised it this young man didn't act out.
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Old 01-21-2012, 01:34 PM
 
2 posts, read 3,640 times
Reputation: 10
Cool Thanks

Thanks everyone for your responses.
Sorry if some of what I explained was kinda incomplete/ "all over the place".


To fill up some gaps - I do love her and her son.

I have helped pay for more than my half of the bills.

I have tried over and over to spend time with her son
alone and with her.

In fact - Everyday He is at home at our apartment because
he is home schooled (pc) and He doesn't have very many friends.

Lately I have been losing more trust for my girlfriend because
even though her and I love eachother, I have my doubts because of
all the issues.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes with arguing with his mother.

Lately - I found that they were both checking out prices for other
apartments/places to live.

I confronted my girlfriend about it and she responded "well, I donno."

We talked for a while and seemed to "make up" yet I still feel as if
I cannot trust them.

I am not playing games. (I hate games)
Her son sneeks around the halls and acts all meek with me
Yet can act like a total pain to her while I'm not around
or when he is upset.

I love them both, But I do not trust them.
I don't deserve or need these games..

The only things that are making me hold on is -

I believe that I love her and her son.
I keep believing that things can change (other than just me changing for them)
I believe that maybe either things will get better with time -
Either they will stop being so suspicious living a life behind my back, etc.

I ask myself these questions -
What are you to chicken $%@7 to leave?
How long do you think you can do this?

With the death of my mom and all the confusion to begin with -
I don't even know what I want anymore.....

Maybe I just want to run away from everyone to another state/country
and get the hell away from everyone. - If I did that though, I wouldn't
be around for family.

It seems as if I make a point to ALWAYS try to be nice to them and
never lay down rules or have a say - Then things are alright.

I can't live that way though. It's fake and pathetic.

I don't know. Either way things will work out is what I keep telling myself.
We will either stay together and work things out or
Her and her son will leave me, Or I will go out of my mind enough to where
I finally leave, whatever.

I hope things can work out... But it takes 2 people for that. If she cannot meet me half way or even realize that Her and I (relationship) has a area of it's own. -

To hell with counselling for me. I'm so tired of counselling and therepy because of the kid having to go through it. I know what I want.

I want to take care of these two because I love them.
They are acting like its a joke when I'm not around and
trying to put limits on my standards.
No child/kid has a right to have that kind of control with a parent/adult
especially if they are their own/living with them.
No woman has the right to control their man - Even if he is her son.
"Fine then - control your son - Not me."

I have always been a hard working man that loves family.
I will always continue to be that way.
I was brought up that rules are rules from the parents.
And the only negotiation I was given as a child was "which end
of the belt would you like".

Anyways, Can't do that anymore. Discipline - Respect - Morals.
What are those right? We live in a "New Generation".

Sorry - Got off track.

Thank you all for your thoughts towards all this crap.
If anything, It is good just to talk about it.
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