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I agree with you all. I have always been conscience about what I'm praising and tried not to go overboard of it is something that is expected. As far as it being a movement... I'm not sure it ever was.
can't understand why so many problems with Washington Post links. I know you have to have a FREE subscription to read some articles but not all. I'll try to find a way to post it. Again I apologize.
Some studies show that little academic advancement has been made with emphasis on awards, praise, etc. Obviously this argument carries over into our homes. Where do you stand? Seems to me we have gone from extreme of no praise to too much in education as well as parenting.
I say it depends on the child. Its politically fashionable today to say that we should be cautious with praise. Certainly, praising some kids too much may lead them to slack off and ultimately result in less achievement on their part.
What this overlooks though is that not all children are equal. Children can have all kinds of issues. Some children can have an issue with low self-esteem because of the environment in which they are raised or simply because they are more sensitive to criticism than the average child is. I speak from experience because I fit into that category. Fortunately, I had parents who could see that and made deliberate efforts to focus on things that would allow me to build self-esteem. By high school age, I was there. However, it was a long process that ultimately paid off in terms of future academic achievement.
In such cases, I think praise is productive even when the actual accomplishments of a child may not be great or profound. The dynamic for some people is something like this: Praise builds self esteem. Self esteem results in the child being willing to try more pursuits. Finally, the fact that the child tries more pursuits with an air of confidence causes him/her to be more successful. In other words, accomplishment can follow praise rather than the other way around.
Every situation is different and parents are the best judge of their own children. However, sometimes giving praise is what leads to future accomplishment.
I say it depends on the child. Its politically fashionable today to say that we should be cautious with praise. Certainly, praising some kids too much may lead them to slack off and ultimately result in less achievement on their part.
What this overlooks though is that not all children are equal. Children can have all kinds of issues. Some children can have an issue with low self-esteem because of the environment in which they are raised or simply because they are more sensitive to criticism than the average child is. I speak from experience because I fit into that category. Fortunately, I had parents who could see that and made deliberate efforts to focus on things that would allow me to build self-esteem. By high school age, I was there. However, it was a long process that ultimately paid off in terms of future academic achievement.
In such cases, I think praise is productive even when the actual accomplishments of a child may not be great or profound. The dynamic for some people is something like this: Praise builds self esteem. Self esteem results in the child being willing to try more pursuits. Finally, the fact that the child tries more pursuits with an air of confidence causes him/her to be more successful. In other words, accomplishment can follow praise rather than the other way around.
Every situation is different and parents are the best judge of their own children. However, sometimes giving praise is what leads to future accomplishment.
Your parents paid attention to your strengths which is probably better than giving specific praise.
I don't know if what I do is praise. I do say "you did it" but do wonder if that is the same as "good job."
In the end, it doesn't matter. I do try to figure out what my daughter is trying to do and I give her the language to describe it, e.g. you are balancing, you are holding on tight, you are climbing.
So even if she doesn't do it as well or as long as other children, I encourage her to try to do it again and then I say, "you did it" or "you got it" or "that's an idea".
I prefer to simply think that "keeping it real" is the best way to go. I don't believe in the "everyone gets a trophy" philosophy and that is probably an extreme example of this kind of undue praise that everyone is talking about. While "doing your best" is an admirable thing to acknowledge, did the kid who spent the Little League season kicking dirt and staring at the sky, really do their "best" compared to the kid who wasn't the best on the team, but worked their butt off to get better?
I think we should acknowledge the kid who worked hard and not acknowledge the kid who didn't. Similarly I think it is OK to say "so and so" was the MVP, or the best on the team. Why is it that the kid who has a .500 batting average and got 2 out of every 3 outs, not acknowledged beyond the level of anyone else?
With my kids, I listen and observe and apply praise where it's appropriate. If my three year old is writing her name and shows me a piece of paper covered in scribbles, I'll praise her for trying and show her how it's supposed to look. If my son is playing hockey and just isn't into it that day and isn't playing up to his level, I'm not going to praise his effort. If he goes out there and busts his butt, but ends up not scoring, then I'll praise him.
It's all about applying praise when it's warranted and earned. We should praise effort, but be careful not to praise failure at the same time. Kids who are constantly praised for everything end up either expecting it for everything (in that a poor job should still be praised) or it becomes worthless as a motivator.
We have seen that in our family. My wife is prolific in praise for the kids. I praise them when they derserve it. To me they deserve it when they do something remarkable, not for doing waht they should be doing anyway. IF my son does the dishes, well that is what is reqruied if he want ot watch TV or use the computer. However if he does a brake job on Mom's car wihtout my prompting or supervision - he will get at least a "wow. Good job I am impressed.
IN our kids reaciont,s, praise form Mommy is really not very meaningful. You will get praised for putting your toothbrush away after brushing or for turnig off oyur bedroom light. PRiase from Dad is sough after and important.
Schools are the same way. One of my daughters got so many awards, she quit going to awards presentation. It was ridiculous. "Hey I got 13 awards at the end of 5th grade and my sister got 9. Whoo hoo!" They go so far that it is silly.
I agree with your post. I have an almost 3 year old and we have found that these two phrases have been good enough with her: "You did it!" and "You got it."
Now she says it to herself.
It depends on how and when you use these...
Say she has been struggling to learn how to snap her pants and finally gets it and you say "good job" or "you got it" or give a high 5 or something, that is appropriate. If a parent spends their day praising everything, WAY too much :
"Good job getting out of bed"
"Good job remembering to go to the bathroom"
"Oh, way to go you got your own breakfast"
"Oh, I like how you put your dishes in the dishwasher"
That is empty praise when EVERYTHING they do gets some kind of recognition or things that don't NEED recognition get rewarded (like getting out of bed, etc.).
Say she has been struggling to learn how to snap her pants and finally gets it and you say "good job" or "you got it" or give a high 5 or something, that is appropriate. If a parent spends their day praising everything, WAY too much :
"Good job getting out of bed"
"Good job remembering to go to the bathroom"
"Oh, way to go you got your own breakfast"
"Oh, I like how you put your dishes in the dishwasher"
That is empty praise when EVERYTHING they do gets some kind of recognition or things that don't NEED recognition get rewarded (like getting out of bed, etc.).
I understand. That is what we do I think. I know we don't over do it because she takes pride in anything she does on her own and we are trying to keep it that way.
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