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Old 01-20-2012, 04:59 PM
 
1,933 posts, read 3,138,129 times
Reputation: 1941

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
She POISONED you? If there is some kind of awful prize in this crazy contest I think you win. Good Lord. Was it an okay relationship after you had the baby?

I thought that was a great article that was posted. Really understanding both sides. And I really loved "Who would knock on my door and tell me that my keys are still in the front door, the doors to my van are open, and my purse is in the driveway?".

Ahh Irish Eyes believe it or not my mother in law and I have a better relationship now and better than the one I have with my own mother.

It took a lot of evaluating on all parties to figure out what we all wanted from our relationships and also getting to know one another. She apologized to me and told me what a wonderful daughter in law I am. I realized that I wasn't the best DIL in the world because of my part in it all but she learned quickly to butt out of my marriage.

If Mr. X truly had it bad with me she knows he is a grown man who knows where the door is but obviously he loves me for some reason only he knows and why it commits him to stay. She knows that I take care of him and my family with all good intentions and she knows that she has to let me grow and find myself as a mother and wife.

Sometimes mothers (including myself) seem to forget that our children especially when they get older can take care of themselves. They will fall in love with people we wont like or we will try to find any excuse not to like them all because we want them to ourselves or we just do not like the person because of who they are. Yet it is our own insecurities or we find either A) too much of ourselves in the person B) Envy the qualities that the person has and not realize it.

When I had toddler X I realize I was more like my MIL than I thought and the old adage Our Sons Marry Their Mothers truly applied to me. That really shocked me!

 
Old 01-20-2012, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,722,259 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by num1baby View Post
This is a fantastic article that I happened to run across today. I think it fits here very well. Glennon Melton: Friendly Fire
Nice article but it doesn't help me deal with the self edifying SAHM's in my life. Mommy guilt isn't my issue. Dealing with arrogant, self edifying SAHM's is.
 
Old 01-20-2012, 07:09 PM
 
1,933 posts, read 3,138,129 times
Reputation: 1941
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Nice article but it doesn't help me deal with the self edifying SAHM's in my life. Mommy guilt isn't my issue. Dealing with arrogant, self edifying SAHM's is.
Stop equating SAHM's with someone who you believe is arrogant and self edifying. It is their personality and not the fact that they stay at home. You are stereotyping.

And you can deal with the issue by no longer associating with that person if it truly bothers you that much.
 
Old 01-20-2012, 07:23 PM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 2,352,337 times
Reputation: 2051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Nice article but it doesn't help me deal with the self edifying SAHM's in my life. Mommy guilt isn't my issue. Dealing with arrogant, self edifying SAHM's is.
Did you read the whole article? Based on your response, you must have missed most of the article and the entire point behind it.
 
Old 01-20-2012, 08:06 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,367,295 times
Reputation: 1944
Ivory, since you are asking how to deal with arrogant people, here is my advice:

1. Stop tolerating.
2. Learn how to care about yourself.
3. Give the gift of caring.

**********
It is okay to judge. It is how you care about your feelings. If you think something is stupid or somebody is arrogant, don't do what they do. There. You judged it by not doing it.

You give the gift of caring by not giving your judgmental opinion to the other person.
***********
Consider any kind of question by your relative a "getting to know you" exercise. You want her to get to know what makes you, you. That is how you care about yourself.

If she doesn't like it, its her problem. If she tries to make her problem your problem, remove yourself from the situation or change the subject. Let her try again next time. You give the gift of caring by not getting into an argument and you allow her to try again next time.

If she asks you a question that you think she might feel insecure about, ask her "what do you think?" Agree with that. That is how you get to know her.
**************
Finally, I believe you mentioned that the children will suffer if you sever ties with this relative. That tells me that you are somehow benefiting from this relationship. That is good enough reason for me to treat her to the best of my abilities.

Last edited by crisan; 01-20-2012 at 08:19 PM..
 
Old 01-20-2012, 08:12 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,367,295 times
Reputation: 1944
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
I feel like my cousin and I have a similar relationship - one of one upmanship. Neither of us can be our real self because we're each so busy defending our respective positions.

She doesn't dare tell me that she laid in bed until 1:30 pm (which she sometimes does) and I don't dare tell her that I missed one of my son's activities because of a meeting (which I do).

When I do call her - she immediately starts a laundry list of how busy she is and all that she has done that day. I cut her off and start my litany.

It's kinda ridiculous really but I really didn't read everything about your SIL. On the rare occasion that my cousin and I can really be ourselves with each other - we realize that we have the same goals, doubts and fears. Too bad we can't do it more often.

Maybe when our kids are grown. I will say that she is the closest thing to a sister that I have and we have always been 'competitive'. Sometimes we are able to rise above it! When we do - it's a wonderful, family feeling.
You know, I think this is why my sister-in-law and I could not get along, the competition. I wish I could have seen it this way.
 
Old 01-20-2012, 09:23 PM
 
15,762 posts, read 13,187,771 times
Reputation: 19651
How about this, the OPs DIL is a jerk. Not because she is a SAHM but just because she is a person and an annoyingly large percentage of them stink.

DIL in this case isn't being a weenie because she is a SAHM she is just using her SAH status to further her weenie-ness.
 
Old 01-20-2012, 09:58 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,142 posts, read 22,127,166 times
Reputation: 35582
Or, how about this? The OP's DIL may be a jerk or she may be overwhelmed with 5 young kids, a husband who travels and a MIL who constantly belittles her because she isn't working outside the home to increase her families SES? Since we have yet to hear any actual example of what she says or does (despite several requests), we really have nothing to go by except the OP's claim that she demands societal (not just familial but society as a whole!) kudos for existing and being home with her children. The OP appears to be obsessed with the concept of any parent who doesn't bring home a paycheck, continually demanding answers as to why they would do this when it (in her esteemed opinion) has no positive impact on the family. She doesn't understand it so it must be worthless. Perhaps this poor woman would just like a modicum of respect from her MIL. Or perhaps she is a jerk. If I was going on a rampage against someone who is a jerk however, you can bet I'd be giving examples without being asked. The OP has been asked but still has yet to define exactly what is so awful about this person that she's willing (even eager?) to cut her and her grandchildren out of the family. Interesting. And sad.
 
Old 01-20-2012, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Australia
8,012 posts, read 2,715,781 times
Reputation: 38447
^ This!
 
Old 01-21-2012, 04:12 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,722,259 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOriginalMrsX View Post
Stop equating SAHM's with someone who you believe is arrogant and self edifying. It is their personality and not the fact that they stay at home. You are stereotyping.

And you can deal with the issue by no longer associating with that person if it truly bothers you that much.
UGH!!! Read this slowly..... I ... am... dealing...with...this....kind...of...SAHM...in.... my....life... I am not equating SAHM with this way of thinking though, my experience is that about 10% of SAHM's seem to express the same sentiment. I would assume more think this way but just won't say it. That's usually how things work. For every one person who expresses a controversial opinion, there are two or three who won't so this is not an uncommon thing by any means. I would hope the majority of SAHM's don't think this way. There's nothing about SAH that makes you better than a WM. Yet, I deal with this attitude in my family and have for years.

I have a sister who I just didn't speak to for years because I got tired of the "Mom's who LOVE their children SAH with them" mantra. Now that her kids are grown, she just doesn't talk about the issue so we've gotten past it. I have a SIL who was one who thought that way but kept her mouth shut. She confessed a few years back to thinking this way all the time she was raising her kids but now realizing that SAH/WOH really don't matter. She now wishes she had seen that before and worked because they are struggling financially because of her decision to SAH and neither she or my brother will ever be able to retire. Now I have ddil who is breaking her own arm patting herself on the back for being a SAHM. Seriously, who wants to be around someone who is so full of themselves? I really don't get being this arrogant.

This has nothing to do with not being comfortable with my own decision. Like the majority of WM's, I have always improved my family's lives by working so the decision to work was a no brainer even though it was difficult. When it comes to your kids, you do what you need to even if it is the hard thing to do. What this has to do with is just not wanting to deal with the put downs. I don't see any point in spending time with someone who is looking to get that next jab in every second. I cringe when anyone brings up work when ddil is around because the topic will soon turn to how SAHM is a job, how hard they work and it's the only job mothers should have. She's gone as far as to tell my girls that they raised themselves because I worked. How do you get so full of yourself? I really don't get it.

After reading the posts here, I'm convinced that my take is spot on. It's just arrogance and justification. I'm dealing with someone who just thinks she's superior to everyone else because she's lucky enough to not need to work. I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact she's never accomplished anything in her life other than having babies. She's uneducated and never held a job for any length of them (funny by my MSAHM sister also was uneducated and never held a job for any length of time). It's not like she could do anything but SAH. I just don't get the arrogance and I'm guessing I never will. She's just not a person I'd want to know if she weren't family. I've met other women like her IRL and I just laugh and walk away. They're not worth a second thought. This one's like a boom-a-rang. Just when I think she's out of my life, she's back. They once talked about moving to another state. I wish they would. Then we could just have a long distance relationship. That might work.

Thanks for your responses. Unfortunately, all they do is confirm that this is just arrogance and justification and stupid. I need to quit trying to apply reason here because there is no reasoning here.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 01-21-2012 at 04:25 AM..
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