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Old 01-22-2012, 04:29 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,812,796 times
Reputation: 14503

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYMD67 View Post
I think you should just be empathetic and say " I understand it is probably really difficult on some days" and be done with it. You have acknowledged her and validated her frustrations and that is that.
It won't hurt you to say something like that, even if you don't mean it, it will most likely ( or hopefully) make her feel like someone understands her.
5 kids would drive me nuts. My mom had six and after work you'd find her at the neighbor's drinking coffee and playing Yatzhee, . I like my two. I feel like I have time for everything.

I'm not sure this is what she's looking for but you gave me an idea. If I lead with something like this, maybe she won't take the detour to I'm better than you ville. Maybe if someone acknowledges that her has a difficult life, she might not feel the need to tear down others. It's worth a shot.

I do think 5 kids is a handfull.

 
Old 01-22-2012, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,812,796 times
Reputation: 14503
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
This thread is mostly about how you can't get along with your daughter-in-law, isn't it? The debate about working moms and stay-at-home moms has been beaten into the ground in your two previous threads. This thread is too long to move into Relationships, but that's where a discussion would go about how to deal with a toxic person in your life.
Actually, no. What it's about is SAHM's like my ddil who break their arms patting themselvles on the back. It's not about our particular relationship. It's about this type of SAHM. The one I'm, currently, dealing with is my ddil. In the past I've dealt with my sister and SIL. Moms I meet like this I just roll my eyes at and walk away. They mean nothing to me. The ones I'm related to, I have no choice but to deal with. I'm trying to understand what makes them think they're so great so I can better deal with them. I'm sure ddil won't be the last one I have to deal with. I can actually see dd#1 becomming one. She loves recognition for nothing. She and my sister may actually have the same developmental issue. I see the same behaviors in dd#1 I saw in my sister growing up.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 01-22-2012 at 04:47 PM..
 
Old 01-22-2012, 04:39 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,812,796 times
Reputation: 14503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
A normal person would just take it as a difference of opinion, and not engage her in a discussion about it.

My mom was the only working mom among her sisters and her friends. I don't think they were outright rude about it, but she knew they all disagreed with her choice. For 20+ years she was the odd ball, with all of these other women thinking we (my sis and I) were suffering the consequences of her choices. They all ate their words when my sister and I grew up, went to college, started careers, married good men and started families.

My mom is still good friends with all of these women. She didn't let it ruin her relationship with them. She behaved like an adult instead of insisting on being right, she just did her thing, and proved that it wasn't such a bad decision after all, even if it took 20 years to do it.
This is what I did with my sister and SIL. It's more complicated with ddil because my own kids are hearing her BS and old enough that it needs to be discussed afterwards. My SIL never said anything negative to my kids. My sister I had to just ignore for about 10 years. My sister and ddil are cut from the same cloth. My sister actually tried to start up a day care business but she kept getting fired. She told the kids how sorry she felt for them because their moms didn't love them enough to stay home with them and then didn't understand why their mothers got mad because she was just "showing empathy" for their kids and their situation.

I really would like to know what makes women like this tick. How do you get so full of yourself? My sister always has been delusional and thought she was better than everyone else so it's no surprise with her. She couldn't cut school and couldn't hold down a job so she became a SAHM and then preached it was what GOOD mothers did. Her I understand because I grew up with her. If this is why SAHM's who are like this are like this, then it's best to just ignore them.
 
Old 01-22-2012, 04:50 PM
 
15,812 posts, read 13,261,648 times
Reputation: 19712
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Actually, no. What it's about is SAHM's like my ddil who break their arms patting themselvles on the back. It's not about our particular relationship. It's about this type of SAHM. The one I'm, currently, dealing with is my ddil. In the past I've dealt with my sister and SIL. Moms I meet like this I just roll my eyes at and walk away. They mean nothing to me. The ones I'm related to, I have no choice but to deal with. I'm trying to understand what makes them think they're so great so I can better deal with them. I'm sure ddil won't be the last one I have to deal with. I can actually see dd#1 becomming one. She loves recognition for nothing. She and my sister may actually have the same developmental issue. I see the same behaviors in dd#1 I saw in my sister growing up.
You haven't shown in anyway that she is like this BECAUSE she is a SAHM. She is someone who needs coddling. OK. I know people who aren't SAHMs who need the same thing.

One person does not mean this is a trait found in a group of people.
 
Old 01-22-2012, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,812,796 times
Reputation: 14503
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
You haven't shown in anyway that she is like this BECAUSE she is a SAHM. She is someone who needs coddling. OK. I know people who aren't SAHMs who need the same thing.

One person does not mean this is a trait found in a group of people.
She is like dozens of other SAHM's I have met over the years. I'm tryin g to understand what makes this type of SAHM tick. If ddil were the onle one I'd met, I'd think it was just her. My estimate is that 30-50% of SAHM's actually think this way but only some will actually say it. Why the need to consider themselves superior to WM's?
 
Old 01-22-2012, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,236,105 times
Reputation: 2387
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
She is like dozens of other SAHM's I have met over the years. I'm tryin g to understand what makes this type of SAHM tick. If ddil were the onle one I'd met, I'd think it was just her. My estimate is that 30-50% of SAHM's actually think this way but only some will actually say it. Why the need to consider themselves superior to WM's?
Why the need to make up estimates to prove your point?

From the responses you've gotten, very few posters here have encountered what you seem to encounter with regularity. Advice has been given on how to deal with it in your particular relationship. What else is there to say?
 
Old 01-22-2012, 05:19 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,812,796 times
Reputation: 14503
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain View Post
Why the need to make up estimates to prove your point?

From the responses you've gotten, very few posters here have encountered what you seem to encounter with regularity. Advice has been given on how to deal with it in your particular relationship. What else is there to say?
Just to make the point. I'm not talking about just ddil. She's not alone. She has a group of friends who think just like her. I'm trying to undertand why they think the way they do. Why they think they're so great. I don't get the arrogance.

Human beings are pretty predictable. Few will be vocal when they think they may encounter opposition. For every one who will state that she thinks she's superior because she SAH, it's a safe bet there are 2 or 3 who think it but won't say it. I'm hoping some who are here, and I know they are here, will enlighten us as to why they feel so superior to mothers who don't SAH. I've known about a dozen SHAM's like this over the years who were vocal. My SIL has confessed to being one but never saying anything but now realizes she was wrong. She was never an issue to deal with because she never said anything negative. Ddil is the type that blows her own horn. My sister was too. Unfortunately, the solution was to ignore her for 10 years. It'll be more like 15 years with ddil because she keeps having babies so it's going to take longer for her to move on to another phase of her life.
 
Old 01-22-2012, 05:22 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,463,966 times
Reputation: 32249
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
She is like dozens of other SAHM's I have met over the years.
In that she wants a pat on the back from society?

I've been thinking about this for several days. I know and have known a LOT of SAHMs. Many of them for religious reasons. (You referred to that about 15 pages ago.)

I've not known a single SAHM who expects the pat on the back from society you keep referring to. Where ARE these "dozens" of women you have met? Really? You meet SAHMs and they bring it up to you? I've never had that happen to me and, yes, I get around.
 
Old 01-22-2012, 05:28 PM
 
11,230 posts, read 9,275,917 times
Reputation: 14658
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Just to make the point. I'm not talking about just ddil. She's not alone. She has a group of friends who think just like her.
I have a group of friends who also like the Patriots. People who share the same things hang out together.

Quote:
I'm trying to undertand why they think the way they do. Why they think they're so great. I don't get the arrogance.
Mirror? Maybe what you need to know is right there. In negative.
 
Old 01-22-2012, 05:30 PM
 
11,230 posts, read 9,275,917 times
Reputation: 14658
Quote:
Originally Posted by dewdropinn View Post
i've never had that happen to me and, yes, i get around.
****. jk
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