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Old 01-18-2012, 08:33 AM
 
Location: The Mitten
754 posts, read 1,069,053 times
Reputation: 569

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I recently moved for a better career direction. I have full custody of my daughter, but her mother has visitation rights. Where I used to live, her mom was about an hour away. I'm not worried about the court here, as our living situation will improve. I am giving more toward visitation, sense I'll have more money I'll be able to afford going up there and drive 80% of the distance.

Anyways, ever sense we moved, my daughter has been having issues. My mom lives close by and I told her we can go over there, but you have to do better in school to do so. Either by listening to the teacher, homework has to be done right and turned in. I've tried to limit it to at least one time a week. She has been yelling at me to go there and visit all the time. It's been getting a little frustrating, but I try to tell her that can't go there every day because you won't learn or do anything.

This morning, I woke her up at 7:00 to get ready for school. About every 5-10 minutes, I have to go back in there to get her moving, make sure she's dressed, make sure she brushed her hair. Most of the time she's still laying in bed. This morning she didn't get moving for at least 40 minutes. I was making her lunch in a rush, she comes around the corner and starts yelling at me because she didn't have breakfast yet. I mean yelling at me. She's only 7 years old, but I just can't believe her attitude.

I'm lost as to what to do. About breakfast, I told her earlier that if she gets up on time, she'll have enough time to eat. I would totally understand if it was because of the change in surroundings. However, the surroundings are totally better. She gets to talk to her mom when ever she wants. She gets to go to her mom's the same amount of time per month. The drive sucks, but we usually chill in the car. It's a 3-4 hour drive and we usually talk or listen to music the whole way.

It would be one thing if she was just bored being in the apartment through the week. Now she's demanding we go to my mom's place on a daily basis. I haven't started my job yet, which I hope I will start next Monday. So with that, I don't have a lot of money to be spending to go out every night, or drive to my mother's place. We do things at night, too, so it isn't like I'm just leaving her to do whatever. I'm just lost.
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:10 AM
 
20,793 posts, read 52,556,547 times
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First, you will NEVER win a power battle with a young child, ever. Stop making it into one.

First, there is no connection to doing well in school and visiting Grandma. Why would you suggest that as a consequence for not turning in homework? Why would a visit to Grandma's interfere with her doing well in school in the first place? An hour with Grandma might be what she needs to settle down for the week and feel comfortable in her new surroundings. Also, maybe she is bored. Has she has any school friends over to play? If not, invite some over after school sometime. Help her establish friendships in her new school. Have a class party for all of the girls at the local bowling alley or something so she can get to know kids outside of school.

As for getting up in the mornings, what time does she go to bed at night? If she is getting enough sleep and just being stubborn in the mornings, tell her that she needs to get herself ready for school and when it is time to leave if she is still in her pajama's she goes to school in her pajamas. I guarantee you that she will only do that once.

Have you talked to her about all the changes in her life?
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:17 AM
 
Location: here
24,483 posts, read 28,860,837 times
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You just caused upheaval in all parts of her life, of course she's not going to respond well! Even though you think or know it will be for the better, she doesn't see it that way. She only sees it as different, not better. She's out of her comfort zone. Give her time to adjust. Talk to her about the move, and things she's having trouble with. Don't use a visit to grandma's as a reward. If you have time to visit on a weekend, do that regardless of school work. One had nothing to do with the other.

Last edited by Kibbiekat; 01-18-2012 at 10:04 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:21 AM
 
11,617 posts, read 19,788,894 times
Reputation: 12056
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
Anyways, ever sense we moved, my daughter has been having issues. My mom lives close by and I told her we can go over there, but you have to do better in school to do so. Either by listening to the teacher, homework has to be done right and turned in. I've tried to limit it to at least one time a week. She has been yelling at me to go there and visit all the time. It's been getting a little frustrating, but I try to tell her that can't go there every day because you won't learn or do anything.
I don't think limiting time with her grandmother is going to solve her school issue. Why can't she do homework at your mother's house? Why can't she go there AFTER he homework is done? Your daughter has been uprooted and wants the love of family. Without security she will not do well in school no matter what you do. I would find a way to include your mother in her life MORE often, not less.

Additionally, do not tolerate her yelling. Do not yell back. Tell her that you will only speak with her if she speaks to you in a respectful tone. Then leave the room. She cannot fight with you if you do not fight back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
This morning, I woke her up at 7:00 to get ready for school. About every 5-10 minutes, I have to go back in there to get her moving, make sure she's dressed, make sure she brushed her hair. Most of the time she's still laying in bed. This morning she didn't get moving for at least 40 minutes. I was making her lunch in a rush, she comes around the corner and starts yelling at me because she didn't have breakfast yet. I mean yelling at me. She's only 7 years old, but I just can't believe her attitude..
Do not allow her to yell. Do not yell back. Have a discussion with her about what your expectations are. Set up a reward system with her.

In the morning DO NOT LEAVE HER ROOM until she is out of bed. Do not yell just insistent. If you leave her laying there she is going to continue laying there so don't do it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
I'm lost as to what to do. About breakfast, I told her earlier that if she gets up on time, she'll have enough time to eat. I would totally understand if it was because of the change in surroundings. However, the surroundings are totally better. She gets to talk to her mom when ever she wants. She gets to go to her mom's the same amount of time per month. The drive sucks, but we usually chill in the car. It's a 3-4 hour drive and we usually talk or listen to music the whole way.
The change in surroundings may be better for you, but it can still be traumatic for a child to endure such a change.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
It would be one thing if she was just bored being in the apartment through the week. Now she's demanding we go to my mom's place on a daily basis. I haven't started my job yet, which I hope I will start next Monday. So with that, I don't have a lot of money to be spending to go out every night, or drive to my mother's place. We do things at night, too, so it isn't like I'm just leaving her to do whatever. I'm just lost.
Why do you need to spend money to go to your mother's place (other than gas)? Why can't your mother come to your place? I don't understand. When I go visit my father (he lives 10 minutes away) it doesn't cost me any money. I really don't understand this. Why can't you visit your mother for a short time after your daughter does her homework? Does your mother drive?
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,976 posts, read 11,840,981 times
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Moving is very stressful for kids. Give her some time to settle down. I agree with the others, visitng family should not be a reward. She obviously needs to spend time with family, perhaps it makes her feel a bit more secure. Patience.
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Old 01-18-2012, 10:01 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,463,966 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
Anyways, ever sense we moved, my daughter has been having issues. My mom lives close by and I told her we can go over there, but you have to do better in school to do so.
Part of the solution to a lot of your problems might just BE visits with Grandma. And lots of them. Your daughter's life has been turned upside down and you dangle a visit with Grandma above her as some kind of reward if she does the trick correctly? She's a little girl. Not a dog in a youtube video.

Unless Grandma has problems and is not a good influence I'd have LOTS of visits with grandma. Grandmas fill a roll no parent can. Starting in the "hug" department which is actually important. I cannot see denying a child that friendship, companionship and love.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Arizona
1,206 posts, read 2,102,727 times
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She is 7, so moving her has caused her to feel uneasy. You need to give her time to adjust to her new home, surroundings and I am figuring a new school also.

I would never let my daughter yell at me the way she is yelling at you. If she wants something she needs to ask for it respectfully or she doesn't get it. Let her know that you will not respond to her if she is yelling and demanding things of you. If she yells at you ignore her and walk out of the room.

If she wants breakfast, she needs to get up when asked, if she doesn't get up, then no breakfast for her. She will learn quickly when she gets really hungry.

I would not use going to Grandma's as punishment. She need the consistancy and using going or not going to Grandma's as punishment will only come back to bite you in the end.

You need to be patient with her and give her time to adjust.

Also, have you thought of just sitting her down and talking with her and asking her what YOU can do to help her? She may be feeling overwhelmed and her knowing you are in her corner might just help.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:19 AM
 
9,057 posts, read 6,756,150 times
Reputation: 11013
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
Part of the solution to a lot of your problems might just BE visits with Grandma. And lots of them. Your daughter's life has been turned upside down and you dangle a visit with Grandma above her as some kind of reward if she does the trick correctly? She's a little girl. Not a dog in a youtube video.

Unless Grandma has problems and is not a good influence I'd have LOTS of visits with grandma. Grandmas fill a roll no parent can. Starting in the "hug" department which is actually important. I cannot see denying a child that friendship, companionship and love.
Yes. Absolutely.

OP, please listen to this advice and take it to heart.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:50 AM
 
Location: here
24,483 posts, read 28,860,837 times
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I want to add that I think you should acknowledge her feelings, let her know it is ok to be sad, to miss her friends, her old house, or whatever; but it is not ok to yell at you, to not get up in the morning, etc. "I understand that you are upset, and that's ok, but you can't be late to school because of it..." I have to check on my son every 5 minutes to make sure he's getting ready, too. What did you do when she yelled at you about breakfast? She needs to know that is not acceptable. Maybe make her breakfast as motivation to get out of bed instead of waiting until she wanders down 45 minutes later.
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:20 AM
 
12,501 posts, read 14,643,196 times
Reputation: 14297
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
Part of the solution to a lot of your problems might just BE visits with Grandma. And lots of them. Your daughter's life has been turned upside down and you dangle a visit with Grandma above her as some kind of reward if she does the trick correctly? She's a little girl. Not a dog in a youtube video.

Unless Grandma has problems and is not a good influence I'd have LOTS of visits with grandma. Grandmas fill a roll no parent can. Starting in the "hug" department which is actually important. I cannot see denying a child that friendship, companionship and love.
DewDropInn is soooo right.....It's cruel to tell her that if she does well in school she can visit her Grandma.....what if she doesn't do well??I winced when I read that....poor child....her visits with her grandma should not have any conditions attached...and if you set them...and she can't comply...you could turn her into a very frustrated and angry little girl.
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