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I hear so many stories about rude, critical mothers in-law these days. I know there are a lot of wonderful ones, but what do you think is the cause of the bad ones? The ones that seem to have a negative opinion on everything that goes on in their son's homes? Is it jealousy or insecurity? Don't these women see that they don't need to be better than their DILs and that it isn't a contest that needs to be won?
Sadly both out Mothers died before my husband and I married. But they were both nice women and would have been a great support in our lives.
I think part of the problem might be poor social skills on the mother-in-law's part. She wants people to not only agree but to do as she says.
Inexperience with dealing with meddling, judgmental people might cause daughter-in-laws to react in a way that causes permanent damage to the relationship. I guess this might be due to poor social skills as well.
I think it's often the case when the husband is a momma's boy (nobody will EVER care for her baby properly), or she is used to being queen bee. Women like that usually seem to have spineless husbands because nobody else likes them.
I have two mothers-in-law because my husband has a stepmother. Thankfully neither are the kind of mom you describe. My husband's stepmother can say tactless things (not so much anymore), but she has no kids of her own and isn't particularly maternal. She never tries out-mom me and usually has very nice things to say about my husband's and my parenting. My husband's mother is a sweet-natured person, kind of a flake ... not a mean or domineering bone in her body. I am not super close to either of them, but I am grateful for the hand I was dealt. I have heard so many horror stories about terrible in-laws.
I think there is a fundamental issue with a son growing up and choosing another woman to make his life with, and his wife not doing everything just like his mom did. I think it is a control issue and an issue with letting an adult child go. Some are worse than others, obviously. I think the whole dynamic of leaving your family of origin and creating a new one can be awkward, even though it is perfectly natural, especially when parents, child, and spouse don't have the same idea of where boundaries should be. I'm a mom of 2 boys, and i am really going to try to be a good MIL!
When my DH and I got married and for six years after, my MIL treated me pretty badly. She criticized me for not cooking (my husband enjoys it and has always cooked for us), for ironing (yes! for ironing), and how clean I keep my house, which isn't all that clean. I'm no Martha Stewart, I can assure you, but when people come to visit, I believe in presenting a tidy home. During this time, my MIL even criticized my driving.
She has terrible anxiety, and everyone knows that. She hosted Christmas one year with her brother and his wife, her four kids and me, and her in-laws. Why do that with anxiety??? There were eleven of us there, and we were talking and laughing. I started talking to Grandpa, who was hard of hearing, and she told me to "Shut up". Yeah, I didn't like that woman.
Anyway, over the past couple of years, her treatment of my husband has become detestable. When we visit for a weekend (we live several states away), she can go the entire time without saying one word to him. It hurts his feelings, as you might imagine. She tries to do lots of things with me, but she won't do anything with or for him.
Within the past year, his parents began renting a small house they own next door to theirs to a couple a few years younger than us. They have "adopted" this family, who has two kids (we have none). Now, his mom says they will be her only GK (my DH's sisters are unmarried and don't look to marry & we don't have kids). She also told me all about how this neighbor guy is so much like my FIL, how it's like they are father and son. Ooo, hurt my husband's feelings so bad.
This Christmas we told them we'd be there on the 26th. Usually Christmas Day isn't a big deal at their house, meaning it can be celebrated on the 23rd or the 27th. No big deal about the day. Well, I guess something changed in the past year. When we sat down for the meal, there was very, very little food. She made a small roast; had two large ladle-sized scoops each of sweet potatoes, dressing, and vegetables; and no bread or salad. This was for seven people. I couldn't figure out why there was so little food. She mentioned during the course of the meal that these were the leftovers from the Christmas dinner. I'm a pretty blunt person who tries not to speak up around my DH's family in order to keep the relationship, but I just about blew. I didn't though. I said, "You had Christmas dinner yesterday?" She said yes a tiny bit sheepishly, or so I thought. I was angry. She couldn't wait one day to have Christmas dinner with her entire family? Just another way she slights my DH.
Sorry I wrote so much. The subject of MILs just gets me going. My DH is a successful, calm, loving, generous engineer. His aunts and uncles treat him very well, and they have expressed their irritation and disappointment in how his family treats him. They send my DH cards for Christmas and his birthday, which his family never does. He's gone years without phone calls on his birthday. (I have too but I don't care.)
To answer the OP, I believe that my MIL has emotional problems. At this point, it's difficult for me to care. She doesn't seek help for them (she's a counselor so she knows everything), and her treatment of my husband has become insufferable.
When my DH and I got married and for six years after, my MIL treated me pretty badly. She criticized me for not cooking (my husband enjoys it and has always cooked for us), for ironing (yes! for ironing), and how clean I keep my house, which isn't all that clean. I'm no Martha Stewart, I can assure you, but when people come to visit, I believe in presenting a tidy home. During this time, my MIL even criticized my driving.
She has terrible anxiety, and everyone knows that. She hosted Christmas one year with her brother and his wife, her four kids and me, and her in-laws. Why do that with anxiety??? There were eleven of us there, and we were talking and laughing. I started talking to Grandpa, who was hard of hearing, and she told me to "Shut up". Yeah, I didn't like that woman.
Anyway, over the past couple of years, her treatment of my husband has become detestable. When we visit for a weekend (we live several states away), she can go the entire time without saying one word to him. It hurts his feelings, as you might imagine. She tries to do lots of things with me, but she won't do anything with or for him.
Within the past year, his parents began renting a small house they own next door to theirs to a couple a few years younger than us. They have "adopted" this family, who has two kids (we have none). Now, his mom says they will be her only GK (my DH's sisters are unmarried and don't look to marry & we don't have kids). She also told me all about how this neighbor guy is so much like my FIL, how it's like they are father and son. Ooo, hurt my husband's feelings so bad.
This Christmas we told them we'd be there on the 26th. Usually Christmas Day isn't a big deal at their house, meaning it can be celebrated on the 23rd or the 27th. No big deal about the day. Well, I guess something changed in the past year. When we sat down for the meal, there was very, very little food. She made a small roast; had two large ladle-sized scoops each of sweet potatoes, dressing, and vegetables; and no bread or salad. This was for seven people. I couldn't figure out why there was so little food. She mentioned during the course of the meal that these were the leftovers from the Christmas dinner. I'm a pretty blunt person who tries not to speak up around my DH's family in order to keep the relationship, but I just about blew. I didn't though. I said, "You had Christmas dinner yesterday?" She said yes a tiny bit sheepishly, or so I thought. I was angry. She couldn't wait one day to have Christmas dinner with her entire family? Just another way she slights my DH.
Sorry I wrote so much. The subject of MILs just gets me going. My DH is a successful, calm, loving, generous engineer. His aunts and uncles treat him very well, and they have expressed their irritation and disappointment in how his family treats him. They send my DH cards for Christmas and his birthday, which his family never does. He's gone years without phone calls on his birthday. (I have too but I don't care.)
To answer the OP, I believe that my MIL has emotional problems. At this point, it's difficult for me to care. She doesn't seek help for them (she's a counselor so she knows everything), and her treatment of my husband has become insufferable.
Pepper you are far nicer than meaghan would be because i would have told her where to stick her sweet potatoes and twist the spoon while doing so.
My husband didn't talk to his mother for the first 12 years of our marriage, or a couple of years before that. When he decided to talk to her again, I invited her over for dinner and he was so uncomfortable that he couldn't eat with her in the house. We see her once or twice a year even though we live in the same city. She always wants us to leave the kids with her, but she abused my husband badly and he doesn't trust her with the kids. (so I don't have to say no, he's already saying it)
My mom started out as a terrible MIL to my husband, but over the years she's come to appreciate what a good provider and good husband he is to me, and she treats him very well now.
Our mothers have never met, even though we've been married almost 15 years. Isn't that weird? DH is afraid that his mom will say horrible things about him to my mom, although my mom says she wouldn't let anyone pick on her son that way, even his own mom.
My husband didn't talk to his mother for the first 12 years of our marriage, or a couple of years before that. When he decided to talk to her again, I invited her over for dinner and he was so uncomfortable that he couldn't eat with her in the house. We see her once or twice a year even though we live in the same city. She always wants us to leave the kids with her, but she abused my husband badly and he doesn't trust her with the kids. (so I don't have to say no, he's already saying it)
My mom started out as a terrible MIL to my husband, but over the years she's come to appreciate what a good provider and good husband he is to me, and she treats him very well now.
Our mothers have never met, even though we've been married almost 15 years. Isn't that weird? DH is afraid that his mom will say horrible things about him to my mom, although my mom says she wouldn't let anyone pick on her son that way, even his own mom.
My MIL never abused my DH, per se. She neglected him and continues to do so. I felt that her treatment over the holidays was a step up from neglect, but still not abusive. Still, I wouldn't leave my kids with my MIL (if we ever have any), especially any boys. My MIL seems to have serious issues with men.
I'm very sorry about your MIL and her treatment of her son. Some people think that the sons must have done something somewhere along the line to cause these issues, but because of my situation, I understand that some women (and men too) are just emotionally or psychologically messed up for whatever reason. I feel very badly for your DH. At least he has a MIL (and mine does too) that loves him and treats him well.
My MIL never abused my DH, per se. She neglected him and continues to do so. I felt that her treatment over the holidays was a step up from neglect, but still not abusive. Still, I wouldn't leave my kids with my MIL (if we ever have any), especially any boys. My MIL seems to have serious issues with men.
I'm very sorry about your MIL and her treatment of her son. Some people think that the sons must have done something somewhere along the line to cause these issues, but because of my situation, I understand that some women (and men too) are just emotionally or psychologically messed up for whatever reason. I feel very badly for your DH. At least he has a MIL (and mine does too) that loves him and treats him well.
So does mine! Maybe we've talked about this before. My MIL is very sweet to almost everyone except her husband and her son (my DH). I think her first husband screwed her up.
So does mine! Maybe we've talked about this before. My MIL is very sweet to almost everyone except her husband and her son (my DH). I think her first husband screwed her up.
Yes, in a different thread, we both discussed this. I don't know why my MIL has problems with men. She didn't have a bond with her dad. He worked a lot and died when my MIL was in her early 30s. I don't know. She's wack.
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