Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-04-2012, 10:50 AM
 
Location: New York City
2,814 posts, read 6,853,036 times
Reputation: 3192

Advertisements

Great advice everyone. SadDad, you mentioned something about her driving. I would say, no meds, no car. People like your daughter are totally out of control. They often need someone to step in and take charge until they start to function normally. Sounds like you are nice dad, but she may need Tough-No Nonsense Dad right now. When someone is screwing up like your daughter is and those who love them are supportive and kind about the screwing up they then have enormous guilt added to their problems. On some level if you continue to be so understanding she will feel shame and guilt. That will not motivate her to get better, but rather make her loathe herself more. She would actually feel healthier if you didn't tolerate this acting out. I wish you well and my heart goes out to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:04 AM
 
26 posts, read 51,436 times
Reputation: 28
Thumbs up Parenting

Hi SadDad
I feel 4U,
Rearing Children is the one job that doesn't come with a how-to- manual and the rewards of hard work don't show or pay-off sometime till 30years into it
Mine R now 30yr n 25yr old adult children but my son went through a dark phase that therapy helped. I would suggest changing the diet #1. Foods have just as good/bad effect as the pharmaceuticals. Do you have a day in the week or a week of the month that is this child's ME time to do things and to have closeness just with you.

Children can take on assumptions of you not validating or valuing them in your life when this is farthest from the case.

When you speak speak in I terms so that the child understands that you are disappointed in the behaviors displayed and that you know this is not the real deal of who the person that you care for is -

Is there other familial / friend / neighbor extended support?
Are you a single parent trying to keep all afloat?
Are you in a rural area ?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:08 AM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,977,818 times
Reputation: 3061
Mental illness or not. Your daughter does not respect you and is totally taking advantage of you.

Let her go live with one of her friends.

Stop letting her jack your money.

You are not doing her any favors by making excuses for her behavior and spoon feeding her through life.

She is ungrateful and needs to be held accountable....oh and getting a job would be great too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,894,033 times
Reputation: 2410
Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDad View Post
Thanks.

We started seeing a family therapist last week and have an appointment next week. I think if she took her meds things would be very different so that is the major reason I don't want to kick her out. If it continues after she's on the meds that is a different story. But, I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't try to get her to take her meds on a regular basis. If she doesn't take them now, it will only be worse if she is on her own. And there's very little hope of a rebound unless things get very ugly for her. So getting her to take the meds is really my last hope and last effort. At that point I can say I've tried everything.

Something like:

[SIZE=3]"You have two choices. Either you let me take over your med schedule or you leave. I want to help you, but you are making it impossible with your failure to comply. Either you let me help you with maximum effort or I'm afraid I have to move on with my life."[/SIZE]
I very much understand how distressing this must be for you. I used to work with suicidal/self-injuring teens and their parents and one of the hardest things the parents had to do was look at what in their own behavior (usually very justified fear) was getting in the way of doing what was needed with consequences to help the teen help him/herself. I can't tell you what the most effective thing to do in your specific situation would be, but I urge you to keep the family therapy appointments even if DD doesn't attend. The family therapist can help you sort through what strategies may be effective, help you figure out what you are and aren't willing to do, and then help you cope with your DD's potential reactions to these things. You need support (both in strategizing and coping with your own emotions) right now just as much if not more than DD. My heart truly goes out to you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDad View Post
I will also try to talk to her psychologist about seeing her again and what that will entail. I was hoping this would be a huge wake-up call for her, but I'm beginning to doubt it. That or I've just lost hope altogether.
Sometimes what we think will be a wake up call isn't. Don't give up. Really make that family therapist work with you as a team, even if DD doesn't show. Ask the family therapist his/her opinion on DD seeing (or in this case not seeing) the individual psychologist. I know it's a long road and it can look pretty bleak, but there are answers, even if you (and she) are still struggling to find them and even if the answers are hard to hear. Best of luck to you.

Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 04-04-2012 at 11:27 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 11:50 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,139,475 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I think the OPs child might truly have to many things going on (medically) for him to put all the responsibility on her.
Depression, PCOS and overweightness? Are there other things that I have missed?

In any event, I still think the only one who can change her is her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 12:14 PM
 
345 posts, read 472,874 times
Reputation: 237
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I think the OPs child might truly have to many things going on (medically) for him to put all the responsibility on her. She needs him to be a parent right now. If she were a normal young adult with no mental health issues I would say kicking her to the curb would work. However, she has serious medical issues and unless he gets those under control she will not ever be capable of living independently.

If the OP wants to get her to the point where she is capable of being on her own he needs to temporarily treat her like a child. Once she is on the meds, and feeling better then he needs to get her to be more independent. If he kicks her out before then it will not work for her. Mental illness renders people completely incapable of taking care of themselves.

This halfway thing is not going to work for her.

Thanks you. I want her to be independent fpr a whole lot of reasons, some for her and some for me. I'm a single father and I'm 53 with my own health issues (Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes, apnea, ...). I'd like to live a little before I can't. And I want her to have a long, happy, and fruitful life. I believe you are correct. If she leaves the house now it marks the beginning of a disaster for her. Forget the fepression, but the PCOS is pretty nasty and she has most of the symptoms. It's one thing to say "teach them a lesson", which in general I agree with; but if that lesson involves infertility, cancer, diabetes, ... it is not really an option.

The military would be good, but they don't take anyone with PCOS.

It has been a rougher day than usual.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 12:19 PM
 
345 posts, read 472,874 times
Reputation: 237
Quote:
Originally Posted by gimme it View Post
Great advice everyone. SadDad, you mentioned something about her driving. I would say, no meds, no car. People like your daughter are totally out of control. They often need someone to step in and take charge until they start to function normally. Sounds like you are nice dad, but she may need Tough-No Nonsense Dad right now. When someone is screwing up like your daughter is and those who love them are supportive and kind about the screwing up they then have enormous guilt added to their problems. On some level if you continue to be so understanding she will feel shame and guilt. That will not motivate her to get better, but rather make her loathe herself more. She would actually feel healthier if you didn't tolerate this acting out. I wish you well and my heart goes out to you.

I haven't been tolerating it well for the past 6 months or so. I'm really frustrated at this point and it comes out in unproductive ways at times.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 12:35 PM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 12,227,573 times
Reputation: 5565
Does she work or go to college?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 12:35 PM
 
345 posts, read 472,874 times
Reputation: 237
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenthere1cB4 View Post
Hi SadDad
I feel 4U,
Rearing Children is the one job that doesn't come with a how-to- manual and the rewards of hard work don't show or pay-off sometime till 30years into it
Mine R now 30yr n 25yr old adult children but my son went through a dark phase that therapy helped. I would suggest changing the diet #1. Foods have just as good/bad effect as the pharmaceuticals. Do you have a day in the week or a week of the month that is this child's ME time to do things and to have closeness just with you.

Children can take on assumptions of you not validating or valuing them in your life when this is farthest from the case.

When you speak speak in I terms so that the child understands that you are disappointed in the behaviors displayed and that you know this is not the real deal of who the person that you care for is -

Is there other familial / friend / neighbor extended support?
Are you a single parent trying to keep all afloat?
Are you in a rural area ?

Thanks. I do point out that I am frustrated, disappointed in actions, ... I do point out that this is not the real her; but I probably don't include that part enough as it generally comes at the end by which time we're in a fight. I should move that part to the beginning.

I am a single father.

My mother lives with us, but she is half the problem if not more. She has a tendency to play us off on each other and "saves" items for maximum inpact and spins it in a way that is worse than what actually happened. For example my DD was wearing a carhart jacket for around a month she said was a friend's. Then my mother tells me this in a rather elaborate manner (smiling of course) saying that she finally figured out the coat was my late dad's (which it was) and that DD stole it from her closet. Now, she knows everything that is in her closet and my father wore that jacket for a few years so she knew it was missing and who it really belonged to. But she said this on DD's first day at work (fast food place) thus ruining a special day for me and leading to questions (and yes ion retrospect I should have waited). According to DD she saw it in the closet and asked my mother for it and was given to her. She then said that my mother told her that I would probably be upset she was wearing it (which is far from the truth), hence the "friend".

I am looking into housing so she can get out of my house. But that is difficult because she hates everyone in the Central Time Zone and wants to be back East, but I am an only child and her SIL and cousins want no part of her. Plus, I don't think she can afford SH by herself and my option is to pay for hers and have nothing left for me when I need it (diabetes will be expensive as I age). I really would like an easy solution every once in a while.

We do have an extended family about 90 minutes from us, that me and DD like; but my mother hates them and whenever me and DD go there is hell to pay as my mother gets even. So we don't go often. We are still waiting to exchange Christmas gifts.

We do not live in a rural area, but relocated here about 5 years ago.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2012, 12:43 PM
 
345 posts, read 472,874 times
Reputation: 237
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain View Post
I very much understand how distressing this must be for you. I used to work with suicidal/self-injuring teens and their parents and one of the hardest things the parents had to do was look at what in their own behavior (usually very justified fear) was getting in the way of doing what was needed with consequences to help the teen help him/herself. I can't tell you what the most effective thing to do in your specific situation would be, but I urge you to keep the family therapy appointments even if DD doesn't attend. The family therapist can help you sort through what strategies may be effective, help you figure out what you are and aren't willing to do, and then help you cope with your DD's potential reactions to these things. You need support (both in strategizing and coping with your own emotions) right now just as much if not more than DD. My heart truly goes out to you.



Sometimes what we think will be a wake up call isn't. Don't give up. Really make that family therapist work with you as a team, even if DD doesn't show. Ask the family therapist his/her opinion on DD seeing (or in this case not seeing) the individual psychologist. I know it's a long road and it can look pretty bleak, but there are answers, even if you (and she) are still struggling to find them and even if the answers are hard to hear. Best of luck to you.
Thank you. I acknowledge I am not free of fault. But after a long time you try anytyhing and when you get to this point it is grasping at straws. I am not proud of the fights, but I was going after the large negative reinforcements. Well, that didn't work and likely made things worse.

She turned worse in a big way in September. I couldn't stand her BF and tried to get her to see he was a piece of garbage. Well, he mistreated and harassed her causing her to drop out of college, and then started hitting her until finally he nearly killed her. He is up on a Class C felony. It was pretty bad. She says it was realizing the world sucks, but I think I had something to do with it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top