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Thank you for your post. I do wish my husband would have a conversation about his feelings before he cuts them out. We are in therapy, and this is part of the discussion there.
My husband has visited his aunts and uncles quite a few times in the last few years. They live four to five hours away so it's not too often, but he calls them on their birthdays and the holidays. One big issue, which I can hear some of you say it shouldn't be, is religion. He comes from a very devout, Fundamentalist family that goes back generations. When his cousins found out we were a-religious, they started treating us a little differently, and one aunt is treating us a bit differently - just less affectionate and less understanding. We love all his relatives, but they're heavy on the religion. We're concerned about how it be if the others find out we're not religious, but we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.
So, yes, we try to be involved with the extended family. Facebook helps.
Now your post is starting to make sense, 3 sisters in their 30s living together, being excluded, etc.
They're Fundamentalists.
I would concentrate on your family. Sounds like you have a loving family that was willing to help your husband get his first apt.
If there is anyone half way normal on his side(an aunt or cousin) that could maybe provide you with better communication in regards to your FIL's health and hospital visits....and go around the sisters who wait hours to share important information.
Another family member who realizes you don't wait 7 hours to tell you that FIL is back in the hospital, in case in the future you have to drive 10 hours or get on a plane and time matters.
Thank you for your post. I do wish my husband would have a conversation about his feelings before he cuts them out. We are in therapy, and this is part of the discussion there.
My husband has visited his aunts and uncles quite a few times in the last few years. They live four to five hours away so it's not too often, but he calls them on their birthdays and the holidays. One big issue, which I can hear some of you say it shouldn't be, is religion. He comes from a very devout, Fundamentalist family that goes back generations. When his cousins found out we were a-religious, they started treating us a little differently, and one aunt is treating us a bit differently - just less affectionate and less understanding. We love all his relatives, but they're heavy on the religion. We're concerned about how it be if the others find out we're not religious, but we'll just cross that bridge when we get there.
So, yes, we try to be involved with the extended family. Facebook helps.
If you really want to understand why someone is the way they are, you have to put yourself in their shoes.
You were apparently never of their same values but your husband has rejected their values. He chose to "leave the fold", and that includes them, he may be related by blood but he is not part of them any longer. He doesn't believe what they believe, he doesn't agree with their beliefs, and their beliefs are very deep and important to them. He left them.
It doesn't sound like they hate him, they just don't feel that same bond with him like they do with others more like themselves.
I think that's pretty much just how it is. If you reject what your family stands for, of course they will have their own feelings about that. Of course people who don't have any beliefs might not understand people who have them and their beliefs are very important to them.
It's not any different with other religions -- a devout Jewish family might feel differently toward an adult child that has converted to a Christian religion. Something changes.
I have awful in-laws too. Very similar. They too, want to see us, and are upset when we attempt to distance our selves - (a normal reaction to being hurt) they track us down. Literally.
A few years ago, we cut off all contact with them. We were getting no where. We called them out on the strange nasty and convoluted things they have done, and they always manage to twist it into something it's not.
All I can say is, call them out on it. Have a family meeting, and air your grievances.
Don't expect anything to change.
Then if I were you, I would cut these nasty, mean and evil people out of your life.
There are friends who are better than family. I am so over the whole "Flesh and blood" thing.
OH another similarity - my husbands family are fundamentalist Christians. We are regular Protestant Christians. There are also four children in my husbands family, and he is the eldest.
Before his mom died, she RULED everything. Now his sister is in that position.
If you really want to understand why someone is the way they are, you have to put yourself in their shoes.
You were apparently never of their same values but your husband has rejected their values. He chose to "leave the fold", and that includes them, he may be related by blood but he is not part of them any longer. He doesn't believe what they believe, he doesn't agree with their beliefs, and their beliefs are very deep and important to them. He left them.
It doesn't sound like they hate him, they just don't feel that same bond with him like they do with others more like themselves.
I think that's pretty much just how it is. If you reject what your family stands for, of course they will have their own feelings about that. Of course people who don't have any beliefs might not understand people who have them and their beliefs are very important to them.
It's not any different with other religions -- a devout Jewish family might feel differently toward an adult child that has converted to a Christian religion. Something changes.
I'm hoping there is some kind of language difficulty here, but some of this seems harsh. I was a Fundamentalist and missionary for many years, and we were married in a very religious ceremony. Why we left the church is another thread in the religion and philosophy forum (really, I've written the story over there). We didn't choose to leave our families, just our faith. I guess if his family feels that we left them, that's a problem they have (though don't think this is the case since we've never discussed our lack of faith with them).
I guess my general response to that attitude is their loss. We are good people, and if not sharing their faith is a deal breaker for them, that's their loss. They will lose their relationship with their son, their DIL and any grandchildren. I hope this is not their position.
I have awful in-laws too. Very similar. They too, want to see us, and are upset when we attempt to distance our selves - (a normal reaction to being hurt) they track us down. Literally.
A few years ago, we cut off all contact with them. We were getting no where. We called them out on the strange nasty and convoluted things they have done, and they always manage to twist it into something it's not.
All I can say is, call them out on it. Have a family meeting, and air your grievances.
Don't expect anything to change.
Then if I were you, I would cut these nasty, mean and evil people out of your life.
There are friends who are better than family. I am so over the whole "Flesh and blood" thing.
WOW! Do we have the same in-laws?!? I think you are correct about calling them out. This is my new tactic for 2012, I think. I don't want to dig up old bones, but I think addressing issues as they occur will be a good step. If they disrespect the boundaries, I might be posting again for more advice. I hope we can grow a backbone and stand firm. It would be nice to have these boundaries in place before we have kids (if we do).
Peppermint, I was thinking the very same thing...doo we have the same in-lawas? I am a Christian, but not the way that they define it. They all think that I took my husband "away from the church" when in reality, we met at a bible study, but the next week he asked me to a Bruce Springsteen concert.
He was already "worldly" To me there is nothing wrong with either one.
I just think that they seek to control and devalue anyone who threatens them.
There is a book I read about evil that you might find affirming (hesitate to say enjoy, because it is case studies of evil people) called "People of the Lie", bu M.Scott Peck
Peppermint, I was thinking the very same thing...doo we have the same in-lawas? I am a Christian, but not the way that they define it. They all think that I took my husband "away from the church" when in reality, we met at a bible study, but the next week he asked me to a Bruce Springsteen concert.
He was already "worldly" To me there is nothing wrong with either one.
I just think that they seek to control and devalue anyone who threatens them.
There is a book I read about evil that you might find affirming (hesitate to say enjoy, because it is case studies of evil people) called "People of the Lie", bu M.Scott Peck
You will find your in-laws in that book.
Thank you for the book rec. I will look it up tonight. It makes me so sad that my in-laws can't appreciate who my husband is, regardless of his political or religious beliefs. He's very much like my FIL and that side of the family. I have wondered if that is part of the animosity too. I think, though, it all boils down to the fact that we will never live in their hometown, and therefore, we will never be part of their "family unit". I think their church family is more family to them because 1) they share the same faith, 2) they see them on a regular basis, and 3) those people are by default then more involved in their lives. We have always wanted a better relationship with his parents, and we always said, "Once the girls get married and have lives of their own, this will get better." In the past five years it's become obvious that marriage and lives of their own will never happen. We're stuck with a collective of five to get along with.
I remember one year my MIL emailed my husband to coordinate a visit for my SILs. My husband emailed his mom back and politely said that since his sisters were adults, they should coordinate their own trips. The oldest sister sent him an email within 20 minutes chewing him out for talking "down" about her to their mom. WTH? It was bizarre. They were more than 25 years old, and mommy is still planning the trips? They didn't end up coming.
I guess it's just nice to vent and to hear alternative ideas. Sometimes people hit on something you never thought of and it helps. I appreciate all the input.
It's possible that with them being "fundie" they have chosen to distance themselves b/c they believe that they are going to heaven and you guys are going to hell for indulging in the "wrong beliefs." And since they can't spend eternity with you, then why bother with building the relationship. Well, your husband may be hurt but the girls are actually hurt worse by this, whether they realize it or not--it's a very sick relationship and I'm willing to bet that the mother is a narcissist.
It's possible that with them being "fundie" they have chosen to distance themselves b/c they believe that they are going to heaven and you guys are going to hell for indulging in the "wrong beliefs." And since they can't spend eternity with you, then why bother with building the relationship. Well, your husband may be hurt but the girls are actually hurt worse by this, whether they realize it or not--it's a very sick relationship and I'm willing to bet that the mother is a narcissist.
It is possible. We have never discussed religion, but I'm sure they are aware that I "like" things on FB like pro gay marriage links and cites. This is something they would emphatically disagree with, but they have never asked me about it. At any rate, your theory is possible.
I agree with you 100% that the sisters are the ones with a very distorted, abnormal existence. I would feel sad for them, if they weren't so arrogant, defensive, and condescending about our choices.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
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I hope we can grow a backbone and stand firm. It would be nice to have these boundaries in place before we have kids (if we do).
