U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-30-2012, 03:42 PM
 
5,210 posts, read 8,840,907 times
Reputation: 5865

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
It is possible. We have never discussed religion, but I'm sure they are aware that I "like" things on FB like pro gay marriage links and cites. This is something they would emphatically disagree with, but they have never asked me about it. At any rate, your theory is possible.

I agree with you 100% that the sisters are the ones with a very distorted, abnormal existence. I would feel sad for them, if they weren't so arrogant, defensive, and condescending about our choices.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
3 sisters living together well into adulthood may not be the norm, but if it works for them, why judge them?

The point I'm trying to make is that you can't be super critical of their ("distorted, abnormal") way of life and then expect them to be 100% accepting of your life choices. Respect is a two way street, ya know.

You all sound like very different people. Different strokes for different folks, though.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-30-2012, 07:04 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,485 posts, read 16,493,196 times
Reputation: 13216
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
It is possible. We have never discussed religion, but I'm sure they are aware that I "like" things on FB like pro gay marriage links and cites. This is something they would emphatically disagree with, but they have never asked me about it. At any rate, your theory is possible.

I agree with you 100% that the sisters are the ones with a very distorted, abnormal existence. I would feel sad for them, if they weren't so arrogant, defensive, and condescending about our choices.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
They are that way b/c they are so afraid to express any opinion that is not exactly mom's, that the only way they can defend their existence is by being arrogant, defensive, and condescending. And, they know exactly what happens to adult children who step out of the family fold and since they have no other resources to fall back on except mom and dad and the other sisters, they know they'd better stay put and put up with it. I could bet you $1000 that if that mother dies first, you will encounter a very different family dynamic that will be much happier and healthier. See if any of this resonates with you guys: Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 08:53 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,979,062 times
Reputation: 2057
Quote:
Originally Posted by springfieldva View Post
3 sisters living together well into adulthood may not be the norm, but if it works for them, why judge them?

The point I'm trying to make is that you can't be super critical of their ("distorted, abnormal") way of life and then expect them to be 100% accepting of your life choices. Respect is a two way street, ya know.

You all sound like very different people. Different strokes for different folks, though.
Well, I think the definition of "works" might need to be defined. I have to take your criticism with a grain of salt because 1) you aren't intimately familiar with the details and 2) I have a lot of external validation of my feelings by more distant in-laws (cousins, aunts and uncles of my husband). I'm not offended. It's impossible for me to describe everything on a public, anonymous forum like this. If it was as simple as three siblings living together, that might be fine, but it's not that simple.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 08:57 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,979,062 times
Reputation: 2057
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
They are that way b/c they are so afraid to express any opinion that is not exactly mom's, that the only way they can defend their existence is by being arrogant, defensive, and condescending. And, they know exactly what happens to adult children who step out of the family fold and since they have no other resources to fall back on except mom and dad and the other sisters, they know they'd better stay put and put up with it. I could bet you $1000 that if that mother dies first, you will encounter a very different family dynamic that will be much happier and healthier. See if any of this resonates with you guys: Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I think there is a streak of narcissism, yes. They aren't textbook, but I think you might be onto something. I do think if my MIL wasn't around, things would have ended up differently and still might. The whole thing is so sad.

I suppose the best way to deal with people like this is to set up strong boundaries and defend them. I do worry about my husband. He has a long history of caving into his mom's demands so as not to make waves, regardless of the personal consequences to himself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 10:36 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,932,169 times
Reputation: 22174
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
I'm hoping there is some kind of language difficulty here, but some of this seems harsh. I was a Fundamentalist and missionary for many years, and we were married in a very religious ceremony. Why we left the church is another thread in the religion and philosophy forum (really, I've written the story over there). We didn't choose to leave our families, just our faith. I guess if his family feels that we left them, that's a problem they have (though don't think this is the case since we've never discussed our lack of faith with them).

I guess my general response to that attitude is their loss. We are good people, and if not sharing their faith is a deal breaker for them, that's their loss. They will lose their relationship with their son, their DIL and any grandchildren. I hope this is not their position.
No - I didn't mean that to sound harsh, just trying to see it from how they may see it, by rejecting their beliefs, you also rejected what they may feel is the important part of who they are.

For some people, religion isn't just some isolated aspect of them, it's everything to them, and it may explain why Christmas went the way it did. They may not even be all that conscious of it, they just see you as outsiders because you are outsiders as far as their faith.

I think just stay away if you don't like being around them. I don't see the point in looking for a way to confront any of them. Obviously they've done something very unforgiveable to you and your husband.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 10:41 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,979,062 times
Reputation: 2057
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
No - I didn't mean that to sound harsh, just trying to see it from how they may see it, by rejecting their beliefs, you also rejected what they may feel is the important part of who they are.

For some people, religion isn't just some isolated aspect of them, it's everything to them, and it may explain why Christmas went the way it did. They may not even be all that conscious of it, they just see you as outsiders because you are outsiders as far as their faith.

I think just stay away if you don't like being around them. I don't see the point in looking for a way to confront any of them. Obviously they've done something very unforgiveable to you and your husband.
Well, not yet, but playing the faith ultimatum card would be over-the-top.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 10:53 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,932,169 times
Reputation: 22174
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
Well, not yet, but playing the faith ultimatum card would be over-the-top.
Well -- they might end up doing that and for your husband's sake, I'd put some distance between you and them - and try to prevent a worsening of the relationship.

If it were me, I'd try to be friendly and cordial but from a safe emotional distance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 11:02 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,979,062 times
Reputation: 2057
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Well -- they might end up doing that and for your husband's sake, I'd put some distance between you and them - and try to prevent a worsening of the relationship.

If it were me, I'd try to be friendly and cordial but from a safe emotional distance.
I plan to do my very best. They continue to invite themselves to our home so they are difficult to avoid. The parents I can handle. The SILs are very, very trying, and my husband doesn't care to be around them for extended periods of time either. I'm concerned that telling my MIL that the SIL are not to come here is going to cause significant problems, but that will be her decision. It's a bit weird when mom is coordinating the visits of her 30+ year old daughters.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-31-2012, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,773,593 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
I will try to keep this post short. I have posted about my in-laws before so I'll try to keep the history short so I can get to my main question.

My husband is the oldest child of four and the only boy. He and his father have always been very close, but his mom has always favored her daughters. As an adult, his family has rarely remembered his birthday, and their treatment of him when he visits them is appalling. His mom spent an entire visit (3 days) without saying a word to him.

About the parents' relationship with the sisters: they have given his sisters money, paid for their gas, bought them groceries, and done a lot of other things for them. They have never done anything like that for my husband. When he graduated college, he had no credit, and his parents refused to cosign for him to get an apartment. He was forced to build his credit by taking out a loan and paying it off. To get the apartment, he paid cash for six months up front. My whole family was horrified and offered to cosign for him, but he felt that if his family wasn't willing to help him, he'd do it on his own. At this point, all the sisters live together (they're in their 30s) and the parents continue to "help" them.

Last year his dad suffered a heart attack. At the time, we lived about two hours away. When his dad went to the hospital the first time, his sisters, who live in the same town as the parents, waited two hours to call us. We are very annoyed. A couple of days later, his dad suffered from chest pains again and was taken to the hospital again. This time his sisters, who were looking at houses to buy, couldn't pick up their cells during the tour or stop their tour to either call us or go to the hospital to be with their dad. It was four hours before we knew about it. We were very angry. We left immediately and went to the hospital.

Fast forward to Christmas. We've moved out of state. We went to my in-laws for two nights over the holiday. His mom served Christmas dinner and everyone opened gifts the night before we arrived and gave us leftovers (tiny amount). His mom told him the neighbor was like a son to them and went on and on about this in front of my husband. She said that their kids would probably be her only chance to have kids around again (my husband and I have no kids and obviously the sisters don't). My husband was very hurt. (There is more to this, but it's just background.)

Anyway, why I'm posting. My FIL had chest pains again this week, and my SIL waited seven hours to call. We no longer live two hours away. We live ten hours away. Time is important. I told my SIL that it wasn't acceptable to wait so long to call. My husband's aunt emailed to say that my FIL called her and gave her the updates. My FIL never called my husband. I asked my husband if he wanted to call his dad, but he said that his dad knew that only his sister had communicated with him. He said he was tired of reaching out to people who weren't interested since it was obvious that they had replaced him. I was so sad for him.

I'm posting to ask your opinion and thoughts on this. I'm not completely sure his parents are trying to be evil. I think there is a big element of social ineptitude. How should we deal with them? I know that later this summer they want to visit, but they make me crazy and treat my husband like garbage. What would you do? How would you handle this?

I can give more background. It just goes on and on.
I'm sorry to say this, but as an oldest of four and sort of like the only "boy" in the family, your husband needs to command respect from his entire family.

I'm the oldest in my house, and I only need to show up and everybody does the Zulu dance, even the remotest of relatives. I don't even need to ask. I think I earned it by how I have lived 31 years.

There's a lot of things you are "not" telling us as to why the oldest male of the family gets his a$$ handed to him. So I'd love to hear the perspective of the other family members. Unfortunately, we'll never get to. So, we're left with your side of the story

This treatment of a son is terrible, no doubt. But there's a lot of details missing, like I said. But you're doing your best part as the wife. There's little you can do to change toxic in-laws, other than supporting the husband. So, the best option would be to cut off the micros of the relationship and just look at the macros - as in, hi for hi and bye for bye. Send them a X'mas card. That would be it
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-31-2012, 09:22 AM
 
11,230 posts, read 9,282,159 times
Reputation: 14658
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
I plan to do my very best. They continue to invite themselves to our home so they are difficult to avoid. The parents I can handle. The SILs are very, very trying, and my husband doesn't care to be around them for extended periods of time either. I'm concerned that telling my MIL that the SIL are not to come here is going to cause significant problems, but that will be her decision. It's a bit weird when mom is coordinating the visits of her 30+ year old daughters.

This makes no sense. It is your home. Tell them no. Who has the issues with limit setting, you? Your husband? Both?

What is a "significant problem" is that you are allowing someone else to make you miserable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top