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Old 01-31-2012, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,698,855 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
You have a LOT on your plate Peppermint. Hang in there! BTW: I absolutely think therapy would help your husband after learning what he has/had to deal with. Anyone would need therapy with that bunch.
How about free wife therapy??

I thought the wives were the biggest therapists for the DHs
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Old 01-31-2012, 02:54 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,356,382 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
How about free wife therapy??

I thought the wives were the biggest therapists for the DHs
Sometimes.

In this particular situation I think the husband would benefit from getting a trained outsider's help in learning how to deal with his family. It sounds like there is a boat-load of baggage.

There is no shame in asking for help.
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Old 01-31-2012, 02:59 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,967,961 times
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We recently had an appointment, and the therapist ended up telling him the very same things I have been saying. Word for word. I nearly cracked up. When we left I told him, it would save you a lot of money on therapy if you'd listen to your wife. Hearing from an outsider can be very helpful though. Maybe this will help him to make a plan and move forward through the guilt.
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,698,855 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
We recently had an appointment, and the therapist ended up telling him the very same things I have been saying. Word for word. I nearly cracked up. When we left I told him, it would save you a lot of money on therapy if you'd listen to your wife. Hearing from an outsider can be very helpful though. Maybe this will help him to make a plan and move forward through the guilt.
I knew it

And a wife can do "a lot more" things a therapist cannot do

And it's all free.
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,687 posts, read 3,926,703 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
I knew it

And a wife can do "a lot more" things a therapist cannot do

And it's all free.
Words of wisdom!!
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Old 02-01-2012, 08:50 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,457 posts, read 16,426,868 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
2) My in-laws created an environment based on guilt and manipulation in which my husband grew up. His mom knows how to pull his strings and make him feel terrible.
There ya go--textbook narcissist. No one ever has all the symptoms listed on a DSM profile, but if they have that one, you've got a narcissist. And when a narcissist has children, it's generally a sick situation b/c you have the "golden child" (in this case, 3) who will bow to her every whim b/c they're afraid not to, and the one or more who grow up and refuse to buy in and they are pushed out into the cold in a very hurtful way. As someone mentioned, there really is nothing you can do b/c someone with NPD would never, ever admit to being wrong about anything and taking a stand just makes things worse. Best thing would be to move into the smallest house you can live in so you have the perfect excuse to not host anyone. And don't be too hard on the SIL--they are warped creatures--like cave dwellers they can't see the light.
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Old 02-01-2012, 01:54 PM
 
452 posts, read 700,652 times
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When the MIL calls let your husband pick up and if he does not then I guess they will not be coming. This is her son and she needs to talk to him even if to figure out when they are coming to visit. As for the calling because the dad is in the hospital I would let the Aunt know that the sisters do not let him know and from this point ask the Aunt to call him.
Just gotta love families we all have them and usually it is the people that say that they have a great family that has the most disfunctional family. PS my side of the family is the best so you know what that means.
As for the listening it has to come from someone else other than yourself since you are so close, this way if anything were to happen he does not blame you. At least you do not live 1 hr or closer that would be a pie in the face to call 7 hours later when something like this happens. Have you ever asked the sisters "Are you not letting us know right away so we do not worry since we are not close enough to be able to help?!!!!"
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:04 PM
 
2,319 posts, read 3,967,961 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3a's View Post
When the MIL calls let your husband pick up and if he does not then I guess they will not be coming. This is her son and she needs to talk to him even if to figure out when they are coming to visit. As for the calling because the dad is in the hospital I would let the Aunt know that the sisters do not let him know and from this point ask the Aunt to call him.
Just gotta love families we all have them and usually it is the people that say that they have a great family that has the most disfunctional family. PS my side of the family is the best so you know what that means.
As for the listening it has to come from someone else other than yourself since you are so close, this way if anything were to happen he does not blame you. At least you do not live 1 hr or closer that would be a pie in the face to call 7 hours later when something like this happens. Have you ever asked the sisters "Are you not letting us know right away so we do not worry since we are not close enough to be able to help?!!!!"
I told one of them that the long delays in communication were unacceptable. She apologized. I asked her to please email or call with the results of my FIL's doctor visits. Nothing. If they were my sisters, I'd tell them off about this, but my husband doesn't think it will do any good. I won't get into this conflict any deeper. I'll just keep asking to be better informed when this happens again (if I answer the phone, that is).
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:37 PM
 
5,210 posts, read 8,815,303 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peppermint View Post
I told one of them that the long delays in communication were unacceptable. She apologized. I asked her to please email or call with the results of my FIL's doctor visits. Nothing. If they were my sisters, I'd tell them off about this, but my husband doesn't think it will do any good. I won't get into this conflict any deeper. I'll just keep asking to be better informed when this happens again (if I answer the phone, that is).
You indicated before that the in-laws might want you and your dh to be more involved in your two disabled SILs' care (having them over to your house for long, extended "vacations", driving them around, maybe sending money, etc).

Do you think that they are all now withholding medical updates concerning your FIL as a form of "punishment" for not helping out more with your dh's sisters?

I hope that isn't the case. But, from what I've read here, it seems like a possibility.
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Old 02-01-2012, 03:04 PM
 
4,749 posts, read 3,467,971 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
If you really want to understand why someone is the way they are, you have to put yourself in their shoes.

You were apparently never of their same values but your husband has rejected their values. He chose to "leave the fold", and that includes them, he may be related by blood but he is not part of them any longer. He doesn't believe what they believe, he doesn't agree with their beliefs, and their beliefs are very deep and important to them. He left them.

It doesn't sound like they hate him, they just don't feel that same bond with him like they do with others more like themselves.

I think that's pretty much just how it is. If you reject what your family stands for, of course they will have their own feelings about that. Of course people who don't have any beliefs might not understand people who have them and their beliefs are very important to them.

It's not any different with other religions -- a devout Jewish family might feel differently toward an adult child that has converted to a Christian religion. Something changes.
Just wanted to say that I agree with this post entirely, and I agree with all of malamute's previous posts on this thread. He's right on the money, and I also like his suggestions on how to deal with this.

I've experienced a similar phenomenon over the last five or so years with myself and my own family. I lived overseas for several years and began adopting attitudes and beliefs about everything from spirituality to just daily living, and now that I think about it, my views are probably bizarre and offensive to them in a way. We've hurt each other in disagreements because of our differences. I admit outright that I was the one who changed. They changed, too, but just in the sense that they kept going in the same direction whereas I went in an entirely new way with my life. I've clashed with family over it. More recently, I married a foreign woman. Didn't have a wedding. Didn't want one. Never been into ceremonies and didn't think it was a big deal. Needless to say there's been a lot of fence-mending and it's forced me to step back and analyze family dynamics a bit.

But I guess what I'm getting at here is, I strongly disagree with those who say 'tell 'em to find a hotel' or 'be done with them and don't look back'. That's not a solution; that's taking the easy way out, and it has long-term consequences that cannot be undone. If the OP's husband does that, then he's no better then his family is. Relationships take work. It might be more work than we want to do, and at the end of the day, we may have to come to a painful conclusion: we may be so far apart from our family as adults that we don't quite understand each other the way we once did. That might make communicating and opening up difficult - understandably. But it's not impossible, and I think that if family has been otherwise there and supportive, I just can't see the good in throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

OP: If they want to come out and stay for a visit, be the best host you can be without bending over backwards and losing your sanity in the process. Also, don't tell them what's acceptable and unacceptable. Tell them instead what you appreciate and don't appreciate. Hopefully they'll get it. I think that as we get older and our time gets shorter, we need to be more patient and flexible with others. We need to be forgiving. Not always easy ideals to live by, I know, but that's the way I've come to see it.
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