Husband repeatedly hurt over his family's treatment, especially his parents' (baby, children)
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Perhaps what I should've said was, I read the first few pages and realized that many of the suggestions were the same. And having lived with people who SEEM similar to people the OP writes about, I can say that being reasonable with unreasonable people is futile.
No need to get snarky although I understand why you said that...
But she might also have been a bit presumptuous in assuming that the *entire* family was welcomed to stay at the OP's house. There is a pretty big difference in having 2 vs. 5 people staying at your home...
Which is why I suggested putting them in a motel on page 1 or 2 of this thread.
I have some real whack-job family members. The day I realised I was not obligated to put up with them and their whack-job-y-ness just because we shared blood my life became IMMENSELY easier. (Granted my familial whack-jobs are extended family, but the theory is the same. I am big believer that blood is not everything and sometimes good frends make good "family".)
Which is why I suggested putting them in a motel on page 1 or 2 of this thread.
I have some real whack-job family members. The day I realised I was not obligated to put up with them and their whack-job-y-ness just because we shared blood my life became IMMENSELY easier. (Granted my familial whack-jobs are extended family, but the theory is the same. I am big believer that blood is not everything and sometimes good frends make good "family".)
I agree, hotels/motels can be very good things .
I think everyone has at least a little whack-job-y-ness somewhere in their familial make up. Thankfully, most are pretty harmless.
Last edited by springfieldva; 01-31-2012 at 01:16 PM..
"Whack-job-y-ness"...I dig it!! I'm not so sure most are harmless...or is it just a few of us that have more whack per job ratio? It does make a difference in whether it's immediate family or not but the BS is probably just as crazy...here's the thing:
Your head is telling you, relax and release all that anger. Turn that energy into positive etc. On good days, you're fine. You feel strong and ready to take on anything. But then there are those days where your heart feels every infraction. You just want things to be fair...to feel loved...but your head intervenes and says "life's not fair"...and back and forth you go.
I don't know how you just let it go when it's in your face. I suppose time has helped...being older and knowing who I am and who I want to be. It's just those whacky days from your whacko family members that put things out of kilter...we can't help but be connected...
1) My SILs (two of them) claim to be disabled, despite doctors not being able to diagnose them. One of them underwent extensive testing and all the tests came back "normal". Even if the doctors are wrong and they are very ill, many, many people with these disabilities lead productive lives. They work, get married, have children, and go on vacations. My SILs have stopped living. They don't work, have never dated, and rarely leave the state. We have never said anything to them about this. We keep our mouths shut. If the in-laws want to live like this, it's none of my business. But, this creates a level of irritation about their lives and their complaining about it. It also creates a level of irritation about their criticism of our lives.
Also, we have never been involved with their care. I think my MIL resents this. I suspect that she wants us to invite the SILs to our home more, that she wants us "vacation" with them, and just be more involved. This is something we have never done. We don't send them money, haul them around to appointments or invite them to our home. We do not enable them at all. I think this is resented. I also this is why my MIL invites them to our home. The last time she did this we told her no. We'll be doing this again.
2) My in-laws created an environment based on guilt and manipulation in which my husband grew up. His mom knows how to pull his strings and make him feel terrible. I am a very opinionated, vocal person. I don't play these stupid games, but I have tried very hard not to react to my in-laws because it's not my call. My husband has to deal with them. At least, that was my feeling. I have recently decided that he can have any sort of relationship he wants with them, but I'm not going to allow them to make me feel bad or be used anymore. Therapy should help my husband work through this and help me be supportive but not a doormat.
3) A motel is a wonderful idea, and one I plan to utilize when the whole family wants to come up. The problem with suggesting this with his sisters is that they don't drive (part of the disability). I would still have to play chauffeur, and I'm not willing to do it. I really can deal with my MIL and FIL, but I do plan to call my MIL out on her treatment of my husband in front of me. It's not something I'll tolerate anymore.
I hope this adds to the story. I have been reluctant to share this information because I fear that my in-laws lurk around C-D. I guess it's important to understand the story better though. I always thought that a mother coordinating the vacations of her 30+ year old children was weird enough. Keep adding on layers and it just gets weirder.
Finally, I just want to add that I don't hate my in-laws. I don't think they are monsters. I think there are a lot of issues, but many of them are personal and not for me to address. I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate with/around them. My husband and I have discussed kids, and I know that this isn't going to get easier or go away. Probably, kids will bring out new problems and issues. I was just hoping for insight from all of you, which I have gotten.
I'm sorry to say this, but as an oldest of four and sort of like the only "boy" in the family, your husband needs to command respect from his entire family.
I'm the oldest in my house, and I only need to show up and everybody does the Zulu dance, even the remotest of relatives. I don't even need to ask. I think I earned it by how I have lived 31 years.
There's a lot of things you are "not" telling us as to why the oldest male of the family gets his a$$ handed to him. So I'd love to hear the perspective of the other family members. Unfortunately, we'll never get to. So, we're left with your side of the story
This treatment of a son is terrible, no doubt. But there's a lot of details missing, like I said. But you're doing your best part as the wife. There's little you can do to change toxic in-laws, other than supporting the husband. So, the best option would be to cut off the micros of the relationship and just look at the macros - as in, hi for hi and bye for bye. Send them a X'mas card. That would be it
This is out
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka
Yeah, she needs to start being a beyotch.
Husband sounds like a softie. It's instances as these, one of the two has to take a hardline approach.
Anyone knows where Pepper can buy a horse whip? You lash the fat booties of those sisters-in-law Saudi-style. Whip them till they cry and then put salt on them
This is in. Those womyn need some serious spanking. Like what cattle get. I'm not kidding
If I am to recall, in my cattle tending days, I never really whipped any. May have pulled a few cow tails. But these women need some serious attitude adjustment and only a whip can get that done
Your in-laws sound much like a sick and twisted combination of my in-laws and my own family! So many stories I could tell...
Anyway, my husband and his dad were in a very similar situation, except they were never close at all. There was much animosity between the 2 of them for things that had happened many years ago. All the issues just continued to build, with it getting to the point that for years, they rarely even spoke. We too had the religious aspect to deal with. They never approved of me because I didn't go to the correct church. Wasn't good enough that I was a Christian, I wasn't the right kind of Christian, which is to say, in their eyes, I wasn't one at all. This added even more strain to their relationship.
Finally my husband came to the realization that he was letting all the hurt and anger eat him alive and beginning to affect his relationships with our sons. So one weekend when we were visiting his sisters, they invited the dad over for dinner. After dinner, my husband pulled his dad aside to have a talk. He told his dad he didn't want to rehash ancient history, but he wanted to clear the air with him. He asked his dad if they could just start fresh from that point on, and try to build a relationship of some sort. His dad instantly started to try to start something by saying "what about the time...blah, blah blah" Hubby stopped in right there and told him, he was not going to discuss the past with him, but he was willing to put it behind him, and go forward if he was interested. His dad finally agreed. While they were never close, they were able to build a relationship during the last 7 or so years of FIL's life. And finally in the end, when he was dying of cancer last year, my husband was the only person that could get him to do anything at all. He was the only person the dad would listen to. More than anything it helped my husband just let it go. When asked about it by one of his sisters, my husband will say he didn't do it for his dad, he did it for himself. To set himself free. Now, his dad has been dead about 8 months or so (mom's been dead about 12 years). Just the other day he told me it was strange that he never really even thought about him, but it was better to not think about him at all than to think about him with hatred.
You have a LOT on your plate Peppermint. Hang in there! BTW: I absolutely think therapy would help your husband after learning what he has/had to deal with. Anyone would need therapy with that bunch.
I I know that later this summer they want to visit, but they make me crazy and treat my husband like garbage. What would you do? How would you handle this?
I can give more background. It just goes on and on.
There comes a time when how parents behave has a negative effect on your children. THAT is when you draw the line and tell the offending parents......good by. Hard to do but it is your, and your hubby's, job to protect your children from any and all negative influence which his parents are now.
He's a man so it's time to suck it up ,park the hurt feeling, and man up to cut the ties with his misbehaving family. As a wife/mother he needs your support and your silence letting him lead the way. Just tell him you love & support him then be still. It's his battle to fight.......alone.
Been there done that. Hurts like hell but my kids never were effect by my family history.
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Dang, maybe I need to go home and go to bed!! I should've guessed... sorry! 
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