U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-30-2012, 08:04 AM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,472,117 times
Reputation: 35300

Advertisements

You must be feeling so raw, I am sorry. The last thing you need right now are any 17 year-old daughters--who in my experience are the most self-focused creatures on the planet.

It is not entirely her fault though. Deep down in the dark recesses of her soul is the thought that someday she is going to lose her own mother--YOU. And subconciously she needs to pull away from you, perhaps even to aggravate your relationship as some kind of balm to her fear.

I hope you can try to step back and not take it personally, or as a failure in parenting. Really, this age group is not known for its empathy. I have a 20 year old and only lately have I been seeing this part of her personally start to show through again.

Take care of yourself right now, Stepka honey. and let the ex and the kids pound sand (for a bit). It's okay to be your number one priority while you get through this tough time.

Last edited by zentropa; 01-30-2012 at 08:35 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-30-2012, 08:59 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,475 posts, read 16,446,813 times
Reputation: 13184
Thanks guys--your replies have all been so sweet and esp helpful to me are the comments made by those who were children of divorce. Ugh, I never thought that my kids would be, but things can change on a dime, as they did for us. He drops the bomb and your world is never the same.

I'm very sad right now but I'm thinking that from here on out things will get better--I've been on a 3 year streak of bad luck and huge stress, but I start a new job on Monday--one that is tailor made for me and makes a lot more money, and then I think life will improve and maybe then I can talk to my dd about this but for now I think I'll take Zentropa's advice and take care of me. I may look into getting a counselor or even a support group but that's for later. You all are a wonderful community even if we don't know what each other looks like, not much anyway.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,230,739 times
Reputation: 2387
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Thanks guys--your replies have all been so sweet and esp helpful to me are the comments made by those who were children of divorce. Ugh, I never thought that my kids would be, but things can change on a dime, as they did for us. He drops the bomb and your world is never the same.

I'm very sad right now but I'm thinking that from here on out things will get better--I've been on a 3 year streak of bad luck and huge stress, but I start a new job on Monday--one that is tailor made for me and makes a lot more money, and then I think life will improve and maybe then I can talk to my dd about this but for now I think I'll take Zentropa's advice and take care of me. I may look into getting a counselor or even a support group but that's for later. You all are a wonderful community even if we don't know what each other looks like, not much anyway.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely agree with the advice you've been given about taking care of yourself right now and leaving addressing DD's hurtful behavior for a time when you feel less like a raw nerve. Good luck and congrats on your new job!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 09:38 AM
 
15,205 posts, read 16,084,046 times
Reputation: 25135
stepka, I'm sending you a big hug. Even if you didn't have a good relationship with your mom, I'm sure it was very difficult to lose her.

A couple of thoughts about your daughter: Since you're her mom and she's seen you go through so much in the last couple of years, she probably thinks you're invincible. I'm betting it just hasn't occurred to her that you need support right now. Also, I don't think anyone realizes what it means to lose a parent until it happens. I know I didn't til my own father passed away when I was in my 30's.

Finally, pardon my arm chair psychology, but I'm wondering if you're not redirecting some anger you feel toward your mom toward your daughter right now. You have reasons to be angry at her, but she's passed away so it doesn't seem right. Your daughter was a bit bratty and that may have given an opening to your feelings about your mom. Just a thought.

In any case, do take care of yourself and keep an open mind about your daughter's behavior. Staying angry at her won't do either of you any good. Good luck at your new job--hope it turns out to be wonderful for you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 09:41 AM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,472,117 times
Reputation: 35300
Stepka, the first 2-3 years after my divorce I felt like the biblical Job! So many crappy things happened--I was in two car wrecks (hospitalized once, totaled cars twice) my beloved dog died of heatstroke, I was fired from my job, used up all my savings and the kids' college funds, had to replace several major systems in the house that all decided to break down...lost several friends who didn't want my drama. UGH.

Some days I was literally afraid to leave the house or answer the phone for fear of what would happen next. It was all to test me I guess, to show that I could function alone, as head of a household without the support of a partner.

It definitely made me strong. I even had enough guts to move me and my daughter 4,000 miles away to a country where I don't speak the language, for a better job and more secure future.

Maybe I am a little too strong now because I am not sure I will ever want to share my day to day life again, or allow anyone to decide what's best for the family. Maybe there is a nice guy out there who is cool with that, or not, whatever.

Six years on and all is well. This too shall pass. (((hug)))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 09:53 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,475 posts, read 16,446,813 times
Reputation: 13184
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Stepka, the first 2-3 years after my divorce I felt like the biblical Job! So many crappy things happened--I was in two car wrecks (hospitalized once, totaled cars twice) my beloved dog died of heatstroke, I was fired from my job, used up all my savings and the kids' college funds, had to replace several major systems in the house that all decided to break down...lost several friends who didn't want my drama. UGH.

Some days I was literally afraid to leave the house or answer the phone for fear of what would happen next. It was all to test me I guess, to show that I could function alone, as head of a household without the support of a partner.

It definitely made me strong. I even had enough guts to move me and my daughter 4,000 miles away to a country where I don't speak the language, for a better job and more secure future.

Maybe I am a little too strong now because I am not sure I will ever want to share my day to day life again, or allow anyone to decide what's best for the family. Maybe there is a nice guy out there who is cool with that, or not, whatever.

Six years on and all is well. This too shall pass. (((hug)))
OMG, I have said that before. I don't think it's been as bad for me as it was for you but maybe I've just gotten more comfortable with my own problems, lol. But you moved to Switzerland--how cool is that. There is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. And bad as I feel about losing mom, we were looking at long-term care for alzheimer's for her and now that is not an issue--I'm so glad we didn't have to watch her fail and die in a living body. I wish that no one had to see that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 09:59 AM
 
15,871 posts, read 13,472,117 times
Reputation: 35300
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
And bad as I feel about losing mom, we were looking at long-term care for alzheimer's for her and now that is not an issue--I'm so glad we didn't have to watch her fail and die in a living body. I wish that no one had to see that.
Yes that is definitely something of a blessing. My dad is in the early to middle stages now and I am so sad and worried--mostly for my mom who is caring for him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 10:42 AM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,638,529 times
Reputation: 5537
Given how little your grandmother cared about her and how her father acts she probably has a bit of a wall up when it comes to emotions. She might also not understand why you would be upset, since you were not that close.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Knoxville, TN
346 posts, read 428,665 times
Reputation: 506
What your daughter is thinking is, Mom's job is to take care of me, help me deal with the loss, let me know what to say and do. Chances are that your daughter is uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say or how to handle your loss or hers. Wait till you calm down and try again. Remember, you are still teaching her how to cope with life, and this is a big deal for both of you.

I am so very sorry for your loss! I lost my dad six years ago and it was simply heartbreaking.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2012, 11:38 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,391,758 times
Reputation: 32243
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
-I just feel all balled up inside. All I can think is that she'd rather be with her dad and he hasn't even been much of a dad--he'd rather be out on dates than to spend time with his kids or his mom.
First, I am very sorry for your loss.

I think this is the heart of things. Not only did you loose your mother but you are dealing with the additional hurt of your daughter wanting to be with her (lousy) father. I imagine this leads you to memories of a lousy husband and marriage.

Try and forgive your daughter. She may not be thinking straight herself. Has she had to deal with death previously? If this is a new experience she may be struggling herself with how to deal with it. All she sees is Mom is an (understandable) mess so it's easier to escape and be with dad.

Death brings up old wounds and hurts for us because our emotions are raw and there is so much that needs to be done. You are an open wound right now. I hope you give yourself (and your daughter) a break. Just do what needs to be done with the funeral and planning. Keep yourself busy so you don't dwell on the rat of an ex-husband and a daughter who is acting like (surprise!) a 17-year old.

Take care of yourself. Things do get better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top