Teenage problems!! (party, legal, punishment, teens)

[sandlovertoo]

I almost didn't write this post,but I think the more input I get the better I can deal with the problems that seem to keeping occuring.I have to start with the fact that I am a strict parent.I have a 15 year old daughter and we as a Family have moved to another state,a new start so to say. I understand it is a big deal for a child to pick and leave all of her friends she has known since the beginning of school.
Well since we have moved to Flordia I have made it a point to let her have a little more freedom, we lived in Ga. , where she went to a school that had 4200 students ,now she is in school of 1700 or so. So I have let my guard down,small town and all.
Anywho,Friday she was invited to a Birthday party,a boy that has some interest was going to be there, I knew that.I dropped her off at the party and was going to pick her up at 10:30.Before she left I told her,Do whats right No matter what,I trust you. I have also told her once she betrays my trust her freedom ends.
Well needless to say she decided to drink at the party.She is all of 110 pounds ,had nothing to eat on top of it, she had two drinks of vodka and orange juice.She was trashed needless to say.She also decided to walk home,granted not far ,but with a boy I have never met.I was getting in the car to pick her up and she comes walking (if thats what you want to call it)up the driveway.
She didn't tell me at first what she had done, I had to wait till the next morning,after checking on her all night not knowing what to do.Now's where I am getting to the point of my question.I gave her a drug test(came up neg.)I grounded her for 3 months and told her she will not get her learner's license until she has been sober for a year.As I callled my sister with this problem ,she said I was coming down to hard and was afraid it will backfire on me.
All I know is that I am so hurt,disappointed and just floored by the entire thing.Am I going overboard, or should I get tougher? I just want to do whats right by her, but also want her to do right to herself.

[sponger42]

I doubt that she expected to get s-faced on two "little" drinks, especially if she's never drank before. But that's nitpicking.

If you haven't already, try to get some more info about the party and what happened. Did she leave early to get home by curfew or was there another reason she didn't want you showing up to pick her up? What kind of person did she pick to escort her home? Who was drinking and what else was going on?

There might be mitigating circumstances and some evidence of integrity on your daughter's part if you investigate a little further. Whatever punishment you decide on needs to take the form of "rehabilitation" rather than just locking her away forever. I like the no driving until sober for xx months idea.

Probably, your daughter didn't do all wrong, even though you see the whole situation as a big wrong-turn for her. You should ferret out the positive behaviours (leaving early, skipping some of the more wild party activities) and reward them (through reduced "sentancing") while still being strict and not reversing yourself on your punishments or sending mixed signals for fear of rebellion.

Probably, she's going to find herself in a tempting situation like this again. It's tough, but take your best guess at how you can tailor your punishments so that she thinks twice before engaging in the more risky behaviours--rather than just doing whatever she wants and hiding everything from you.

My $0.02

[autimom4ever]

I may get bashed by many people when I say this but.....

In my opinion... You are being overbearing....

After reading your post on what your daughter did, this is my conclusion:

No, she should have not drank, it is illegal and dangerous (she could have been taken advantage of).. BUT.... she experimented (as most all of us did as teens) in a safe environment. She did not get into a car with someone who had been drinking AND she knew when to stop (she could have drank alot more and passed out..etc)...

Yes, she came home and someone walked her home to make sure she got home ok. She knew her curfew and met it. She could have not been there when you went to pick her up.

She did not deny (or am I assuming this?) that she drank....I interpret that as you bringing her up to be honest.

Yes, there should be some punishment...BUT 3 months??? You are looking for trouble with that.

This is JMO.... I have an 18 yo girl..... Yes, she drank (not a lot and NEVER did she get into a car with someone who had been drinking)... she was intimate with her boyfriend earlier than I would have liked...BUT she was honest with me about it all (and I ALWAYS could get in touch with her via cell phone).... She is 18 and NOT pregnant and NOT on the streets drinking all the time... She is in college and she does VERY well in school. I feel if you tie the knot to tight, one will try to get out even harder...

Again..JMO

[FarNorthDallas]

Most teenagers drink alcohol at some point or another. Not saying it's right, just saying what is.

Who provided it? Where was the party? Someone's house? Where were the parents?

There's no telling what motivated her to drink. Maybe it's because she's been under your thumb for so long. Maybe she drank to get that cute boy's attention. Maybe she was just curious. Maybe she felt pressure to conform as the new kid in town. Who knows?

A good book to read is The Nuture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris. It talks about how kids are more influenced by their peers and not so much by what their parents taught them. I have found the book to ring very very true. Another good book to read is Smashed, Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas.

I don't have an opinion on your punishment. Coming down hard for the first incident makes sense to me. But then again, you may just drive her underground.

[kaykay]

It's tough to say. Raising teen-agers is tough period. We had a little incident, not involving drinking or drugs, but an incident of petty shoplifting with a peer, listening to questionable music, etc. We got very tough and even limited our son's involvement (or severed it with some of his friends.) The very tough approach worked for us. He did a complete turnaround. I'm not sure that it wouldn't backfire with some kids. You know your child. Some of this you just have to "play it by ear" and make it up as you go along if you know what I mean.

[Madreof3]

I also have teenagers and am considered the strict - mean Mom by alot of their friends. I feel that being sober for 12 months before she can get her learners license is to harsh, 2 - 3 mths imo is more reasonable. You need to be firm but you also need open communication.

I have been known to fly off the handle in impose unreasonable punishments in the heat of the moment. Sit and talk with her and ask her what she feels her punishment should be that you both can live with kids appreaciate it when you let them know you might have over reacted, so now what are we going to do to fix the problem.

Good Luck,

T

[I love the Bears]

I am a mother to a 16 year old son, 12 year old daughter, 9 year old son and a 5 year old daughter.......your punishment is not too harsh - I always tell my kids - you don't have to like me - my job is to keep you alive so that you can be alive to hate me and tell your shrink it's all my fault someday!
The permit thing - don't blame you - my son just got his permit and he'll be 17 in 3 months. He was just not ready for that responsibility. Messing up behind a wheel can ruin a person's life not to mention others....
3 months grounding is not extreme due to the "crime" - but if her issues are being in a new environment and trying to fit in - maybe allow her to have friends over - but not let her go anywhere.....I don't blame you for that - it's scary what could happen out there.
It sucks when you are mad and fly off the handle (Maybe you didn't - but I do) and then when you calm down you wish you wouldn't have to be so extreme. And you feel like you can't back down because then you look like a wimp....
As others have said - ask her what you should do - what if she was the parent - how would she handle it - make her give you a real answer - not just a mumble. Or maybe write her a letter and tell her how you were so scared thinking of all of the things that could have happened - so that she'll see the fear and love - not just the anger. Not only that - but a letter is something that she can take out again and read later....
One one hand - if your child is going to rebel - there is very little you can do about it and I don't think 3 months for underage drinking is that harsh. Kids want someone to set up their guidelines for them - no matter how much they complain - it's scary to be in control (don't you wish someone would tell you what to do and take the reins sometimes!).
Don't worry about being the cool parent.

[pirate girl]

I think the best thing you can do is sit down with her sometime this week and find out what motivated her to drink- and what she learned from the experience.

Don't make yourself the enemy- you want to foster honesty and she may feel that next time she needs to lie so the proverbial book isn't thrown at her if she messes up.

It's a fine line we walk- how much rope is too much? How much punishment is too much? How do we let them grow up without kicking them out of the nest?

I do agree that postponing the permit is a good idea- maybe not for a year but for a few months at least.

See if your new town/county has a local chapter of MADD or SADD and take her to a meeting- let her hear some horror stories about drinking.

And one more bit of advice from another mom navigating teenager-hood for the first time. Explain to her that this is new for you and that you're at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. Acknowledge that you want to do the right thing for her. Maybe some heart to heart honesty will open the door to a greater understanding- and you won't lose face if you adjust the punishment.

[shuke]

First, I agree with those who think you're being a little too harsh. My biggest concern is with the alcohol... and not just the fact that she got drunk. Kids experiment... like it or not, right or wrong... I know there was nothing my parents could have told me that would have stopped me from doing certain things when I was a kid. And coming down with a heavy hammer would only have made me resentful and taught me to be more creative the next time to avoid getting caught.

That is, she's probably going to do what she's going to do at 15 years old. Sure, let your feelings be known and certainly have some consequeces for breaking the rules. But I think you really need to talk to the kid.

Age 15 is not too young to be talking about alcoholism, either.... lots of kids under the age of 18... 15 and even younger... are getting sober these days. And, no, I would not accuse her of being an alcoholic. And she may not even be alcoholic, either. BUT... if I only had one question I could ask her, it would be to describe how she felt when she got drunk. Alcoholics usually remember their very first drunk quite vividly... usually for the rest of their lives. And they typically describe the euphoria as a feeling of *finally* fitting in, being part of the "in" crowd, being comfortable living in their own skin, not feeling so awkward, etc. It's as if they found some new elixir for life. Alcoholics may also describe a "black hole"... an emptiness within them... that was no longer there when drunk. It's like, they felt lonely and awkward for all their lives, then they find the booze and those feelings go away for a while.

If those feelings are how a kid felt getting drunk for the first time, a big red flag would be going up in my mind... those are very typical feelings of a first drunk voiced by many alcoholics who finally get into recovery.

And the way to approach someone about this isn't necessarily head-on, either. It's usually best to share from one's own experience first. How did you feel on your first drunk? If it wasn't like what I described, you may want to find a recovering drunk... I guarantee you know one, even if you don't know they're in recovery... who can talk with her. Or, better yet, you may take the courts' approach to this and combine a little punishment with a little alcohol education and mandate her to attend some number of OPEN meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. If she can identify with the feelings being shared, it could be well worth the time. And I mean identify... one identifies by looking for similarities. One compares by looking for dissimilarities. She would want to see if she can identify with the feelings of those in the meetings. If she can, she's in the right spot.

[sandlovertoo]

Thank you all for your advice.I am going to take all of it in and then sit down with her.I want the best for her and I also want her to able to come to me with ANY problem ,so now it's my turn to change somethings!
Thank you again.