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Let me quickly explain. Lately, I've been fantasizing about having a child or two. I have a very good career and a very stable middle class lifestyle, however, I am currently single and approaching 34. This baby thing is becoming an obsession. I fear that if I wait too long, I may become too old to have one naturally.
Has anyone else experienced these feelings? If so, what did you do?
If you want a child or two you do need to act fast. Do not let people lull you into thinking that you have forever. You do not. I am being honest with you, not mean. The shelf life for woman's oocytes (eggs) begins to decline at 25. Some studies suggest earlier.
You sound stable and mature. Your fear however, is justified.
Here are your options: Go to a sperm bank.
: Adopt.
International adoption also has limits on the ages of prospective parents, and some do not permit single moms.
I have both biological and adoptive children. Both are "very natural"
If you have this urge, you should follow your instinct.
You may regret not doing this in your 40s or 50s.
I have a sister who did just this while waiting for "Mr Right"
If I were single and a man would not accept my career or my children, I would move on!
Did it EVER occur to you that maybe you just aren't meant to be a mother if indeed Mr. Right doesn't show up soon?
Where did you get that entitlement mentality?
Why on earth are you judging this woman? She is not a teenager!
Who in the world are YOU to say that "she is not meant to be a mother"?
Like all of the women who walk down the aisle after falling in love stay that way?
She has worked hard, has an education and a middle class lifestyle. Perhaps God gave her this desire. You don't know her heart.
Her feelings are REAL and way too much is being made of the word "fantasize." I fantasized about my wedding, getting married, going to college and buying a home.
My God! Why are you ladies SO mean to each other on this subject?
Hate to say, Capt Dan, but women are generally mean to each other sooner or later. Doesn't matter what subject it is, either.
Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Heck I could start a thread entitled, "Why Are Women Mean to Each Other?"
[quote=sheena12;22901385]Why on earth are you judging this woman? She is not a teenager!
Who in the world are YOU to say that "she is not meant to be a mother"?
Like all of the women who walk down the aisle after falling in love stay that way?
She has worked hard, has an education and a middle class lifestyle. Perhaps God gave her this desire. You don't know her heart.
Her feelings are REAL and way too much is being made of the word "fantasize." I fantasized about my wedding, getting married, going to college and buying a home.
"In dreams begin reality"[/quote]
Despite all the ways I outlined about single parenting being hard - I have to say that I agree with this lovely post as well.
Something everyone seems to be forgetting is that this is a PLANNED single parenthood, not an accident. This is a woman and not a child.
What would have been better? "Back in the Good Old Days", she might snag the first passable man around, trap him in a loveless relationship in order to have a child. Or get pregnant by "accident" and force the man into marriage. J
She has a career and a plan. She is being dishonest with no one and is breaking no laws. She sounds reasonably happy and fulfilled - except for one thing. She longs to be pregnant and carry a child.I am a mother and I am certain that many of you who are being so judgmental, are also mothers. You must remember that yearning - because I do.
So would you like this better if this were a marriage between two high school drop outs who are, for the moment, madly in love?
Something everyone seems to be forgetting is that this is a PLANNED single parenthood, not an accident. This is a woman and not a child.
What would have been better? "Back in the Good Old Days", she might snag the first passable man around, trap him in a loveless relationship in order to have a child. Or get pregnant by "accident" and force the man into marriage. J
She has a career and a plan. She is being dishonest with no one and is breaking no laws. She sounds reasonably happy and fulfilled - except for one thing. She longs to be pregnant and carry a child.I am a mother and I am certain that many of you who are being so judgmental, are also mothers. You must remember that yearning - because I do.
So would you like this better if this were a marriage between two high school drop outs who are, for the moment, madly in love?
I stayed married to a man I should have run from (and didn't realize just how dangerous he was til much later) for ONE REASON: I was worried about that biological time clock and decided - best to have a baby now, with a dad, than never have a child b/c of divorce (no guarantee Mr. Right would ever come along - could only deal with my reality at hand).
Ex said if I had a child, to understand that I was "on my own." And boy, did he stay true to his pronouncement. He didn't do a thing to help me and you know what? He was so unstable, unreliable and emotionally unavailable - I didn't WANT his help.
I would have been much better off if I had just gotten pregnant while single, except that my family would have disowned me and I could never have had a meaningful career in the gossipy town I grew up in.
I know many women who stayed with their husbands b/c of the children, eventually divorcing (wh/ is what happened to me - when hubby walked out).
Of course, there is the IDEAL. But life isn't always ideal. I was lucky; I found a wonderful man who not only loved my son, but provided him with the father his bio-dad could never be (and indeed, still isn't to this day). However, didn't find the "love of my life" til I was nearly 40 . . . and he couldn't father more kids (snip snip, lol).
My son is the joy of my life. If I had it to do all over, would I have done it differently? Probably not, b/c of societal pressures not to be a single mother in 1982 . . . but as far as any other reasons . . . there are none.
If OP were a kid with no job or a minimum wage job and planning on relying on taxpayers to raise her baby . . . then I would say . . . "you are not mature enough to raise a child and further, can't financially provide for one - so who the hell do you think you are, birthing babies you can't afford to raise?" But that isn't the case.
Sometimes, life doesn't fall in place as we wish it would. But that doesn't mean we have to forego forming a family, even if it is only a family of two.
My advice would be . . . give it a few more years. You mentioned a matchmaker: make it your mission to seriously hunt for a husband the same way we hunt for a job! Seriously! Open yourself to the possibiities! And then if by the time you are say - 37 - and no prospects on the horizon - re-assess and if parenthood is a deep desire - you do what you feel in your heart is right for you and the family you will be creating.
Anifan I agree with most of what you wrote. I am sorry that you had to endure that, but we seem to be around the same age. I married in 1982.
I disagree about one thing - waiting until she is 37. FEMALE FERTILITY DECLINES RAPIDLY AFTER AGE 25. Sometimes we women actually do hear the tick of their own biological time clock! I did.
My sister was passive and weepy, waiting for "Mr.Right" I encouraged her to go on for her masters, adopt, or use a sperm bank. It wasn't "romantic" Now she is 47, she is beginning menopause and she is too old to adopt an infant from many countries.
My cousin on the other hand, graduated from law school, worked for several years, and surprised the family by adopting two little girls from China at age 29. She never met "Mr Right" but she two lovely daughters, a home and an exciting career.
My point is, men have a longer time to make these choices. We woman have a biological imperative.
If the OP feels that she can not see herself without children or grandchildren, for the rest of her life, then she needs to act soon.
Anifan I agree with most of what you wrote. I am sorry that you had to endure that, but we seem to be around the same age. I married in 1982.
I disagree about one thing - waiting until she is 37. FEMALE FERTILITY DECLINES RAPIDLY AFTER AGE 25. Sometimes we women actually do hear the tick of their own biological time clock! I did.
My sister was passive and weepy, waiting for "Mr.Right" I encouraged her to go on for her masters, adopt, or use a sperm bank. It wasn't "romantic" Now she is 47, she is beginning menopause and she is too old to adopt an infant from many countries.
My cousin on the other hand, graduated from law school, worked for several years, and surprised the family by adopting two little girls from China at age 29. She never met "Mr Right" but she two lovely daughters, a home and an exciting career.
My point is, men have a longer time to make these choices. We woman have a biological imperative.
If the OP feels that she can not see herself without children or grandchildren, for the rest of her life, then she needs to act soon.
I agree and women who have a good job can afford to set up a nanny to give assistance. They can afford and most likely plan well for their child's future needs. They are use to doing this for themselves. Your cousin graduated from law school, adopted 2 kids and I'm sure will plan the rest of their lives as well as any couple could or better.
Thanks Crocodile - everyone thinks I'm a guy with my screen name. Actually, Ringo is my dog's name and I started out on CD on the pet forum . .
Anyooo, thanks for the nice comment. I love my boy and I am so proud of the man he is becoming.
And it makes all the hard years worth it but they were hard; it feels like I've walked through fire AND walls in order to keep a good job; keep my boy in a nice house in a nice neighborhood; keep him active in school and sports; and carve out some kind of life for myself.Every hard job or promotion I took - I kept in mind - this is what give me the ability to provide for my son the way I want to provide. This allows him to go to a good school; this job gives me flexibility so I can spend time at school . . . that was my mantra to keep myself going.
I hear you, Ringo. I was in that same boat. Still am to some degree, even though my daughter's in college now.
Really? You expect to earn all the income and parent single-handedly with your husband? A fraction of the work? Please.
It's not about dividing up the tasks - it's imagine if you had to do every single bit of it on your own. No help. No second income. No . . nothing.
Because most married women I know that say "well, I'm just like a single parent" leave out one main factor - they are not ALSO the only breadwinner. They mean that their husband is never home or always working - but they didn't have to worry about going out there and earning the living. And EVERYTHING falling on their shoulders.
So it's good that you are ready. But the fact is - you don't have to do it all - at least not right now. And that's a good thing.
I'm not trying to dissuade the OP. But - she must recognize that she is choosing a hard life.
Any single parent will tell her that it is not easy. I'm not saying don't do it - but it's a lot harder doing it all alone.
It is. The only thing that is WORSE than being a single mom providing for and raising a child alone is being married to a bad husband, one who creates more work and costs more money than if he wasn't there at all. For some bizarre reason that I will never fully understand, my husband started to go seriously downhill as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Drinking increased, drug use began, employment stopped. Part of it was that his mother became terminally ill as soon as I found out I was pregnant and died a month before my daughter was born, but that doesn't explain all of it. He just got worse and worse until I got an RO and had him removed from the home when my daughter was 8.
It was MUCH better being a broke, self-supporting single mom than being a broke married mom supporting a child AND a loser of a husband.
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