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Old 02-06-2012, 11:20 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,173,331 times
Reputation: 22814

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach View Post
A good woman can find a good man...a poor spirited woman can not...cos no good man would have her - and maybe this person understands that - - that she is not worth the trouble - nothing more irritating than to hear the rants of some feminist eccentric go on and on for 18 years - no good man would put up with that - I suggest the turkey baster..make sure that if you get a sperm doner that it is a passive little girly man...don't want a child that is smarter or stronger that you...do you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach View Post
To clarify - It's about giving up some control - if you want a baby - with a man - you have to give something up - like not having total control over everything and everybody..maybe that's the problem - she wants a baby but does not want to pay the price?
I usually like and respect your posts, but this here is quite a stretch.
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Old 02-06-2012, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,866 posts, read 7,074,525 times
Reputation: 5113
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
This is part of a quote that I made on an "Elective Single Parenting" post on another forum.

"If one is in the mindset of wanting a child and they have the finances and support system from family and friends, then I would say YES!!

Being a single parent is hard at times. You have to make more sacrifices than you would if you had another parent there helping, but if one is invested in the child and his/her future, the sacrifices and hard times are well worth it.

Let me add that, IMO, it is better for a child to grow up in a positive and loving, single-parent home then to be in a 2-parent home where one or both of the parents is not a positive influence, or fully invested in the child."

For all of you yelling single parenting is not the way to go. Even if a child is born within wedlock, there is NO guarantee that that child will not end up being part of a single-parent home. Let's remember that the divorce rate is something like 60% these days.



Read more: http://www.city-data.com/forum/paren...#ixzz1lcHbABN6
Excellent!!!

There are so many different kinds of families and different ways to raise and child and make it work. People want to say there is only one way but in truth, there is more than one way to raise a healthy, happy child and family.
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Old 02-06-2012, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,866 posts, read 7,074,525 times
Reputation: 5113
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
southshorelady - THANK YOU for trying to open the eyes of this woman to the reality of what she is contemplating.
What the OP was contemplating is finding a mate. Her goal is not single-parenthood.
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Old 02-06-2012, 11:40 AM
 
460 posts, read 549,741 times
Reputation: 741
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
1. It seems to me that the OP's intentions are to bring a child into this world and provide it with a nurturing and stable atmosphere. Those sound like good intentions to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post

The OP talks of fantasies and obsessions and very little about the atmosphere that she would be bringing the child into. If she told me about extended family support and things of that nature then I would have a better idea. All she talks about is financial stability. That means very little because (1) it can change (did for my mom) (2) Some of the richest parents make poor parents and vice versa. Maybe if she told me more about the home life then I wouldn't be so down on it. If extended family is very involved then often the child does not feel as deprived of a father.


2. Really?? And what type of toll does that (mother and father divorcing and living separate lives) take on the children? How is that a better situation than a child of a single parent who won't have to go through that?

I'm hoping that in the divorce situation, the father is still involved. I would have liked to have a weekend dad more than a nonexistent dad. At least I wouldn't have wondered about him all the time and felt like a piece of the puzzle was missing. Of course it's not optimal but life happens and reality is not ideal.

The OP is approaching an age range where it could be very difficult or even unlikely for her to have children, and she wants children...so her deciding to be a single parent could be the "ideal situation" for her. She does not have to live her life by what You or anyone else deems as "ideal".


Of course she doesn't. She posted on an internet forum looking for opinions/advice. My advice is that it's not easy for the child nor will it be easy for her. I am a mother of two and having children is not a part-time job. It takes over every fiber of your being. And if she thinks finding a man is hard while she's not busy with kids, she's going to have an even more difficult time finding a partner with children in the picture. She's 34. She still has some time. You never know what the future can bring. My heart aches for her. I know how strong that maternal instinct is. It's almost unbearable. I know this. I also know that when my first child was born, my honest internal thoughts were, "What the heck did I just do? This is REALLY hard." Most of my friends who have had children share some similar thoughts. Parenting looks easy and doable until you are actually parenting. Understanding the concept of parenthood is a lot different than living the reality. I'm thankful every day that I have a supportive husband to share this wonderful journey with. I just want her to find the same.
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Old 02-06-2012, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,129,117 times
Reputation: 39670
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Crabcakes View Post
What the OP was contemplating is finding a mate. Her goal is not single-parenthood.
She apparently views planned single parenthood as a real option.

The poor baby apparently has no rights, according to her and folks like her.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
21,496 posts, read 22,741,215 times
Reputation: 45243
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
She apparently views planned single parenthood as a real option.

The poor baby apparently has no rights, according to her and folks like her.
But when you're talking about the "poor baby"'s rights, where exactly are you drawing the line? Is having two parents the only qualification? What about smoking? Obesity? Poverty? Lack of education? Poor anger management? Lots of people have children, not all of them are wonderful parents.

Why deny someone who's made the mindful decision to have a child (you can't "accidentally" get artificially inseminated or adopt, after all) the opportunity to be a parent?

Last edited by fleetiebelle; 02-06-2012 at 12:18 PM..
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:13 PM
 
Location: NW Indiana
39,405 posts, read 14,453,113 times
Reputation: 99550
Folks, this thread has been moved because it is a discussion about parenting; not relationships.

Please respect other posters' opinions and refrain from personal attacks. Thanks.
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:20 PM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,291,344 times
Reputation: 7394
I would think long and hard about it. If you decide that single parenting is for you then by all means go for it. Nobody needs a partner to have kids anymore. BTW you'll have a slight advantage if you've thought things through more thoroughly and put together all the challenges you'll face as a single parent, rather than many single parents who expected someone else to be there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
ADOPT.

But please, do not bring another fatherless child into this world on purpose. That's just selfish.

Dads are not disposable.
Besides the fact that I'm not sure if single women can even adopt, why is it okay for a single woman to adopt but not to have her own child. Both would be "fatherless" right?
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Old 02-06-2012, 12:44 PM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,291,344 times
Reputation: 7394
Quote:
Originally Posted by le roi View Post
I take a different view. In my view, women cannot be a substitute father. Regardless of how capable she is of being a mother, a woman is doing the child a disservice by choosing to raise it without a father.

I feel quite a bit of enmity toward women who choose to raise a kid without a father. Morally speaking, that's up there with child abuse... something I feel its important for society to cast shame on, for the sake of the poor child who has no control over the matter.
First of all, women are not seeking to be the father. It's impossible. Second of all, is it moral of you to judge people who see things differently than you if it really doesn't affect your life? Oh and I'm guessing you've never actually been abused or you'd see quite a difference between single parenting and child abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by southshorelady View Post
Just don't do this!

I am that child. Thirty years ago my mother decided that she too wanted a baby. She was a successful, intelligent woman who didn't need a man to raise a child! So she picked an undeserving man to become the unsuspecting sperm donor.

I still resent her for that choice. I still resent having to face the world alone with no siblings and a huge burden of looking after her by myself. She never found a man to marry and she has become very needy. She thinks that I owe her my time since she raised me. She thinks that I should take time away from my own family (husband & kids) in order to entertain her. I can never meet her expectations, and, frankly, I resent her for neediness. It's not my fault she doesn't have a husband with whom she can spend her time. It's not my fault she has no real relationship with family members. She expects me to be her EVERYTHING and that's a role I can't fill.

Please don't do this to your child. Build your own relationships. A child is a lot of work and not just a cute accessory. I am married and have plenty of resources and my children still take a lot out of me. I can't imagine doing it alone. Stuff happens and children are born without fathers, but it shouldn't be done purposefully IMO.

All children deserve a father. My kids ADORE their father and he adores them. Look up the statistics of fatherless children. I am the exception to the rule in terms of outcome.
A situation like your mother's is certainly one to consider; nobody can be anybody's everybody and it's insane that there are parents out there that expect that. However that doesn't mean everybody is like that, and everybody is different; what is a challenge to some people (doing anything alone) is not to some others. As long as the OP is honest with herself about this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
I guess a lesbian couple is also completely inept and we should discount all of those women who want to raise children because there is no "father".
Haven't you heard? Only straight couples count.

Quote:
Originally Posted by le roi View Post
LOL

Nevermind what's good for the child, it's all about making the woman happy, and providing a platform with which she can chastise men.
You don't seriously think that's what it's all about. Or do you?
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:00 PM
 
400 posts, read 701,902 times
Reputation: 473
I can't really pass any judgment on single parent thing. Plenty of other people do it with next to no resources. If you plan for it and think you can do it you've probably expended more effort and did more preparation than half the parents of children born, sadly enough. People are speaking of the ensuring ideal family environment. I don't think the single mother situation is the best situation. That said, I'll let everyone here know the first time I encounter the ideal family environment in the wild. I suspect it will occur sometime after my first Sasquatch sighting so look for that post from me first.

Other people are making statements that I feel are disingenuous:

"You have 10 years still!" Well, its possible she could have 10 years still. And the majority of it will consist of declining fertility and an increased rate of birth defects. At 34 time is in fact beginning to grow short and things are less sure, the pressure is real. I'm sure some one will respond to this saying they know a 47 year old woman who had her first child, arguing the exception (and often a scientifically aided one) disproves the rule somehow.

"Just adopt" Aside from the fact that this is not the same thing for many people, there aren't exactly a plethora of healthy infants lying around contrary to popular belief. The process itself can take years, costs upwards of $25,000 and is fraught with essentially just as much uncertainty as the wait for the clock to run out approach. It will likely take her even longer if she is a single woman as most birth mothers would likely choose one of the many available childless couples first. The most amusing part of this suggestion though is that the end result is simply a more expensive and arguably more dramatic version of getting knocked up and changes nothing. Even if she later gets married, being older is often a strike against you on the adoption application.

Anyway, there is the later time option of expensive frozen egg donation allowing pregnancy even after the natural option has been exhausted. The children would not be biologically yours but you would carry them. You could even use your theoretical eventual husband's sperm in those cases.

The cheapest and easiest option is frozen sperm donation right now, and I think you know the drawbacks.

Another option would be to lower your standards and simply marry the first guy who looks like he'd make a good stay at home dad or made decent money and seems like he'd be a decent dad you come across. There's some sacrifices there as well. There's a risk of course that even that wouldn't work out fast enough. A problem here is a man aggressively trying to start a family may well not be interested in ~35 year old women. I'm sorry that's harsh. I don't like reality on this matter either but denying doesn't accomplish your goals.
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