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Old 02-06-2012, 02:57 PM
 
3,517 posts, read 5,450,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southshorelady View Post
How exactly do you determine that these single parents are more fit than their married counterparts? I can't imagine any outsider looking into any situation really has the ability. Some would-be parents seem awesome until they are faced with the reality of children and end up abusing their previously wanted children. Others don't want children but fall in love with them once they arrive. I really just don't know how you strangers can predict these things.

I knew my husband would be a wonderful father because he was a wonderful husband, wonderful brother, wonderful son, wonderful grandson and so on. He is good to his family. So guess what....he's awesome with our children. A stranger couldn't predict that though...
These people come in multiple times a week, they call the nurses and doctors at all hours for questions, and it's amazing how much patients feel like sharing with non-medical staff. We get to know these people, some better than others and of course no one can know what sort of parent a person will be until they are one (not even you), but there are people here with 30+ years of experience who are pretty good at reading these folks.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Atlanta & NYC
6,621 posts, read 11,193,609 times
Reputation: 6595
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leila1010 View Post
Let me quickly explain. Lately, I've been fantasizing about having a child or two. I have a very good career and a very stable middle class lifestyle, however, I am currently single and approaching 34. This baby thing is becoming an obsession. I fear that if I wait too long, I may become too old to have one naturally.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings? If so, what did you do?
1. Date.
2. Find someone you love.
3. Do not have children just to have children.
4. Do not have children unless you are married to their father. It's very important that commitment between parents be seen by children.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:34 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,211,992 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnexpectedError View Post
These people come in multiple times a week, they call the nurses and doctors at all hours for questions, and it's amazing how much patients feel like sharing with non-medical staff. We get to know these people, some better than others and of course no one can know what sort of parent a person will be until they are one (not even you), but there are people here with 30+ years of experience who are pretty good at reading these folks.
I have no doubt that most of the people that plan single parenthood will be good parents.

However, it seems to me that being a good parent is just the beginning.

I can't tell you how many times I have made a decision regarding my kids that would have been different without my husband's input and vice versa. It is our teamwork that have contributed to our success as parents.

Also, I agree with the value a man brings to (especially) raising a boy. There have been times when my husband brought a unique perspective when my son was seeking advice.

One of my sisters was contemplating single parenthood when she became the last of my siblings without children. I encouraged her to really dig deep and find out what her motivation is. Does she want to do this because there is some nebulous checklist that goes with "Having It All"? Or does she really feel that maternal instinct. Well, she decided against it and is very happy now that she made that decision. She has a very carefree lifestyle and is the best aunt ever.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:45 PM
 
3,517 posts, read 5,450,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
I have no doubt that most of the people that plan single parenthood will be good parents.

However, it seems to me that being a good parent is just the beginning.

I can't tell you how many times I have made a decision regarding my kids that would have been different without my husband's input and vice versa. It is our teamwork that have contributed to our success as parents.

Also, I agree with the value a man brings to (especially) raising a boy. There have been times when my husband brought a unique perspective when my son was seeking advice.

One of my sisters was contemplating single parenthood when she became the last of my siblings without children. I encouraged her to really dig deep and find out what her motivation is. Does she want to do this because there is some nebulous checklist that goes with "Having It All"? Or does she really feel that maternal instinct. Well, she decided against it and is very happy now that she made that decision. She has a very carefree lifestyle and is the best aunt ever.
I agree with all this. As they say, it takes a village and I believe that any single parent or same-sex couple with children should make sure to have a stable, influential adult role model of the opposite sex around (aunt/uncle, grandparent, close friend, teacher). Probably better/easier to pull from within the family since you have that stability, but you work with what you've got.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:47 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,211,992 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnexpectedError View Post
I agree with all this. As they say, it takes a village and I believe that any single parent or same-sex couple with children should make sure to have a stable, influential adult role model of the opposite sex around (aunt/uncle, grandparent, close friend, teacher). Probably better/easier to pull from within the family since you have that stability, but you work with what you've got.
Exactly. And I hate to say it, but sometimes child predators (separate thread, I know) tend to gravitate toward the children of single mothers. Sometimes they offer to be that male role model. I don't think I would contemplate something like this without a large extended family nearby to fill that need.
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Old 02-06-2012, 10:23 PM
 
220 posts, read 490,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southshorelady View Post
How exactly do you determine that these single parents are more fit than their married counterparts? I can't imagine any outsider looking into any situation really has the ability. Some would-be parents seem awesome until they are faced with the reality of children and end up abusing their previously wanted children. Others don't want children but fall in love with them once they arrive. I really just don't know how you strangers can predict these things.

I knew my husband would be a wonderful father because he was a wonderful husband, wonderful brother, wonderful son, wonderful grandson and so on. He is good to his family. So guess what....he's awesome with our children. A stranger couldn't predict that though...
I (a stranger) cannot determine if someone who chooses to be a single parent will be a good one or not, just as YOU (a stranger) cannot say that they will be a bad one based on YOUR experience. While I sympathize with the situation that you've shared; that is YOUR situation and there's nothing to say that the OP or her offspring will turn out anything like it, so I don't think it's appropriate for you to tell this woman not to consider being a single parent based on your relationship with your mother.

What I think you need to do is seek some counseling for your issues with your mother and stop reflecting your unfortunate experiences onto someone else.

In any event, I wish both you and the OP the best.
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Old 02-07-2012, 07:50 AM
 
460 posts, read 549,852 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MzSJP View Post
I (a stranger) cannot determine if someone who chooses to be a single parent will be a good one or not, just as YOU (a stranger) cannot say that they will be a bad one based on YOUR experience. While I sympathize with the situation that you've shared; that is YOUR situation and there's nothing to say that the OP or her offspring will turn out anything like it, so I don't think it's appropriate for you to tell this woman not to consider being a single parent based on your relationship with your mother.

What I think you need to do is seek some counseling for your issues with your mother and stop reflecting your unfortunate experiences onto someone else.

In any event, I wish both you and the OP the best.
Thanks for the well wishes.

In any event, I never said the OP would be a "bad" parent. I never even once intimated that. What I said is that it would be best for the child to have TWO parents. In the case of the OP, the child would be missing a father, and I consider the father's role to be important.

Of course I realize that there is no guarantee that the child will turn out exactly like me where she resents the mother's choices. However, I do know that plenty of studies have shown that children of single parents are at greater risk of a whole bunch of negative behaviors. I stand by my advice that the OP should not voluntarily take on single parenthood. I think it's a bad choice and I'm entitled to voice that opinion without being accused of "reflecting unfortunate experiences." She put it out there on a public forum and I simply shared my own thoughts and feelings. She can heed my advice or she can ignore it.
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Old 02-07-2012, 08:17 AM
 
Location: San Bernardino County (previously L.A.)
4,485 posts, read 7,549,861 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leila1010 View Post
I have traditional values; therefore, I understand the importance of marriage. But as I pointed out, I'm approaching 34 and I'm still single. I can't just make Mr. Perfect appear, and then have a ring, and wedding within a 6-month period.

I'm not quite sure what I should do, but I really want a baby and I seem to be running out of time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leila1010 View Post
I do not really want to adopt. I want to experience pregnancy, but more importantly, I want to give birth to my own baby.
I haven't read all the posts here, but here's my opinions about this situation. I just turned 37 last month & sure, I'd like a child. At this point, probably only 1, but I certainly want to be married first. I don't care if it's the year 1925 or 2025, I have old fashioned values as well & not only is having a husband the only way I'll go, but why struggle to KNOWINGLY be a single parent from the get go? If the spouse dies or left the spouse, that's one thing, but to up front be a sinlge mother, I wouldn't do it.

Even at my age, I'm NOT the type of person who sees babies all over, meaning that I want one so badly that I seem to see them everywhere. No, I'm not feeling that...yet. I'm not saying you're obsessed w/ having a child. I haven't seemed to have gotten at that point yet, even at my age.

I wouldn't really want to adopt either nor do the artificial insemination. Hey, if I don't ed up having a child, I guess I won't. At this point, I'm hoping to get married!
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:10 AM
 
Location: 89074
495 posts, read 588,247 times
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OP, I'm actually someone who has done this.I would suggest you connect with others who have. There is an organization called Single Mothers By Choice (SMC). They help 'thinkers' by giving them first-hand knowledge of the implications of choosing single motherhood. They neither strongly encourage or discourage because they know every person's situation is different and no one can make that decision but you. But at least you'd be getting feedback from those who have BTDT and not people with preconceived notions of something they know nothing about. There are some well-meaning people on this board and I respect them, but there are also a lot of clueless people just trying to put their agendas on you. Not the mention the ones who are just out and out cruel in their statements. Compassion much, people? Remember, where you stand depends on where you sit. Just because someone else is opposed to this does not mean it is not right for you. Good luck, and feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:24 AM
 
2,115 posts, read 2,714,061 times
Reputation: 2227
Quote:
Originally Posted by birdinmigration View Post
You know what? That is mean.
-No, it's comon sense.

Women are done with buying into the notion that they have to sit around waiting for a man to make a baby for them. Pat on the head for you, lovesMountains,
if it worked out that way for you, but quite frankly, it is a tragic scenario for many women who long to become mothers and don't have a loving man on the scene. That's a fact.
Whatever female is unable to procure a male should not have a child, and vice versa. This goes whether american of african, whether human or elephant. There is an evolutionary reason we have a mating process, and ignoring it in a larger scale (not speaking about this individual case) does nothing but lead to a degenerated human evolution.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
The truth can hurt, but it is certainly never "mean" to state it.
I think it is mean, but a necessary remark none the less.

The fact is, it takes quite the entitlement mentality to believe you have the RIGHT to bring a child into this world PURPOSELY without a man prepared to be its father.

What about the child's rights??
-exactly!

Several posters on this thread have attested to have difficult their lives were without fathers.
I'll give you another attest to that; My mother never let my father take a fathers role until I broke lose myself in my late teens, it was not until his two final years in life that I knew him as a father, I can't even begin to wonder if i would have been able to handle social situations like others and be more "normal" if I would have had him as a real fathers-figure from an earlier age.

Go ahead and discount their stories since the truth is apparently so inconvenient to some of you women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
So, what your saying is if the father is an alcoholic, abusive, mentally unstable etc etc that child is still better off then the one with the intentionally single mother??
There are plenty of parents who shouldn't have the option to not abort...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach View Post
A good woman can find a good man...a poor spirited woman can not...cos no good man would have her - and maybe this person understands that - - that she is not worth the trouble - nothing more irritating than to hear the rants of some feminist eccentric go on and on for 18 years - no good man would put up with that - I suggest the turkey baster..make sure that if you get a sperm doner that it is a passive little girly man...don't want a child that is smarter or stronger that you...do you?
A weird twist of the evolutionary aspect, but in essence, yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I do understand the concern raised about not having a father in the home.

Although, I see both sides of that coin and I think pursuing single motherhood is a course of action that can only be decided by the person involved. Hopefully after they've listened to some heartfelt advice from both fatherless children and other single parents.

Having said that, what do you mean by "it's not a right"? A human being has a right to have a child if they so wish. Please tell me who is granting or not granting this right?

They may not be doing it under circumstances approved of by all, however I don't see how that mitigates a person's "right" (at least in most places) as a human being to reproduce.
Nature have already defined a ground rule for when children are possible, looking at our surrounding world, it would make sense that we limit our overdimesioned reproductive capabilities further, not less.

Quote:
Originally Posted by southshorelady View Post
How exactly do you determine that these single parents are more fit than their married counterparts? I can't imagine any outsider looking into any situation really has the ability. Some would-be parents seem awesome until they are faced with the reality of children and end up abusing their previously wanted children. Others don't want children but fall in love with them once they arrive. I really just don't know how you strangers can predict these things.
It's never a prediction on an individual level, but playing by the odds is always the smarter choice, and it's better that there isn't a child where there should have been than that there is one that shouldn't, after all there' another 7 billion people out there regardless, no need take chances.

I knew my husband would be a wonderful father because he was a wonderful husband, wonderful brother, wonderful son, wonderful grandson and so on. He is good to his family. So guess what....he's awesome with our children. A stranger couldn't predict that though...
Well if he does good in all other types of relationships, chances are generally speaking that he would make a good father. however if your children aren't middle aged with successful lives it's too early to tell the result of his parenthood as well as yours.
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