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Old 02-08-2012, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,716,226 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
That's a discussion for the Relationships forum, not Parenting.
This thread if I recall was actually opened in Relationships
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Old 02-08-2012, 01:07 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 35,034,820 times
Reputation: 42372
Quote:
Originally Posted by Currency Pair Crocodile View Post
This thread if I recall was actually opened in Relationships
I realize that. The "what's wrong with you that you can't find a man" discussion can stay over there. The "is this a good decision" discussion is relevant here.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,562,505 times
Reputation: 7421
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer but only to share a piece of my reality. I've been there done that. Even if you have a spouse that doesn't help - IF said spouse is working and everything does NOT rely on one person and one income - life is a bit easier.

When YOU are the sole provider AND the sole parent - life can get hard. It's best to know this before one gets started.

Every bill that gets paid - YOU will pay. Every walk that gets shoveled - YOU will shovel. Every kid that gets sick - YOU will take to the doctor; YOU will do all the grocery shopping; YOU will handle all of the car trouble; when the child gets sick, YOU will miss work; when the child has a school program - YOU will miss work. When school is called off for whatever reason - YOU will miss work or YOU will arrange childcare. YOU will work all day and then YOU will help with homework; projects and YOU will transport or arrange transportation (no easy feat) to and from all after school activities.

You see where I'm going with this. I'm not saying don't do it - just go in with your eyes wide open. It's hard and unless you have been a single parent - you have no idea of how hard it is.

Would I trade it? Nope. Nor would I enter into it lightly.
Sorry, that wasn't meant to be personal, I didn't intend to call you personally a debbie downer. (I am just getting use to the parenting thread, it's gets very heated very fast.)
I just meant all the negative feedback she'll get on a venture of single motherhood. That is probably the hardest part of it, how little positive support she'd get from the public. I should have said if differently. My fault.

I realize people feel the need to share reality with others when it's related. I know a lot of married couples that can't do without either income though. It's nice to hear from all people, good and bad. My point was only that having a husband doesn't guarantee that things will be any easier. My sister became a widow shortly after the birth of her second child. It was hard but also very rewarding after time past. She thought she would never be able to be the only parent but she did and with family support she did it quite well.

I don't think not having a biological dad would be that scarring for a child today. I've known a lot of single moms where the dad is vacant and they have achieved a wonderful little family on their own with happy kids. If this is someones desire than I just don't see that it's worse than a couple without resources or income getting knocked up and starting a family. That happens a lot more frequently. A lot of people are choosing to not have a family at all as well. Same sex couples are having families with a lot of happy kids.

I agree with your reality, it sounds hard but a lack of husband doesn't guarantee that harsh reality, neither would a woman with a real man make sure she would remain that way in the future or that it wouldn't be a harsh reality. The future is a hard one for all of us, you never know.

I think she can find some "real life" examples of woman who've made this exact decision and can read up on their good experiences as well as harsh reality, that would be a good thing to do but I'm sure she has put a lot more thought into a baby then say someone who just happened to get pregnant after a one night stand. Seems like she is thinking a lot about it. She probably weighs the pros and cons quite heavily. Of course I'm assuming this but I'm usually pretty optimistic with everything. Again, sorry if I offended you at all I didn't mean it, should have chosen a better description for it.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,866 posts, read 7,077,525 times
Reputation: 5113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
When YOU are the sole provider AND the sole parent - life can get hard. It's best to know this before one gets started.

Every bill that gets paid - YOU will pay. Every walk that gets shoveled - YOU will shovel. Every kid that gets sick - YOU will take to the doctor; YOU will do all the grocery shopping; YOU will handle all of the car trouble; when the child gets sick, YOU will miss work; when the child has a school program - YOU will miss work. When school is called off for whatever reason - YOU will miss work or YOU will arrange childcare. YOU will work all day and then YOU will help with homework; projects and YOU will transport or arrange transportation (no easy feat) to and from all after school activities.
I don't know where I get this idea from but I'm a married woman and I expect to do all those things listed above for my child. Maybe because I grew up in an alpha-female headed household but in thinking of parenting, I full expect to take on each and every one of those things...and I have a husband!

I guess for me, even though I am married, I never looked at the tasks of childhood and split them up into my tasks, his tasks, my tasks, his tasks, etc. I've always looked at it as I am ready to take on 110% of the parenting and that involved paying and doing everything.

I've always viewed the things mentioned as a natural part of parenthood. I never imagined or planned that I'd only do a fraction of the work.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:25 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 35,034,820 times
Reputation: 42372
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Crabcakes View Post
I don't know where I get this idea from but I'm a married woman and I expect to do all those things listed above for my child. Maybe because I grew up in an alpha-female headed household but in thinking of parenting, I full expect to take on each and every one of those things...and I have a husband!

I guess for me, even though I am married, I never looked at the tasks of childhood and split them up into my tasks, his tasks, my tasks, his tasks, etc. I've always looked at it as I am ready to take on 110% of the parenting and that involved paying and doing everything.

I've always viewed the things mentioned as a natural part of parenthood. I never imagined or planned that I'd only do a fraction of the work.
Fair enough, but my husband has saved my butt many times. Sometimes I get stuck at the office and can't pick our son from school, and he has to leave early to do it. I was gone for two days last week for work, and he worked from home one day so he could get them to and from school on time. My sister-in-law is a single mom and does all the day-to-day stuff herself, but she also only has one child. She lives near her parents, too, so they can help when she travels or needs a sitter on the weekends. A good support structure is important.
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Old 02-08-2012, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,866 posts, read 7,077,525 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Fair enough, but my husband has saved my butt many times. Sometimes I get stuck at the office and can't pick our son from school, and he has to leave early to do it. I was gone for two days last week for work, and he worked from home one day so he could get them to and from school on time. My sister-in-law is a single mom and does all the day-to-day stuff herself, but she also only has one child. She lives near her parents, too, so they can help when she travels or needs a sitter on the weekends. A good support structure is important.
I think for me, I know so many single moms (ALL the woman in my family raised kids as single parents and many of my friends grew up that) that its just normal to me. I think having a spouse is a bonus/luxury these days.

I however, was raised with two parents but my mom did a much larger percentage of the work (like 80/20).
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:36 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,376 posts, read 15,095,943 times
Reputation: 20917
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Crabcakes View Post
I don't know where I get this idea from but I'm a married woman and I expect to do all those things listed above for my child. Maybe because I grew up in an alpha-female headed household but in thinking of parenting, I full expect to take on each and every one of those things...and I have a husband!

I guess for me, even though I am married, I never looked at the tasks of childhood and split them up into my tasks, his tasks, my tasks, his tasks, etc. I've always looked at it as I am ready to take on 110% of the parenting and that involved paying and doing everything.

I've always viewed the things mentioned as a natural part of parenthood. I never imagined or planned that I'd only do a fraction of the work.
Really? You expect to earn all the income and parent single-handedly with your husband? A fraction of the work? Please.

It's not about dividing up the tasks - it's imagine if you had to do every single bit of it on your own. No help. No second income. No . . nothing.

Because most married women I know that say "well, I'm just like a single parent" leave out one main factor - they are not ALSO the only breadwinner. They mean that their husband is never home or always working - but they didn't have to worry about going out there and earning the living. And EVERYTHING falling on their shoulders.

So it's good that you are ready. But the fact is - you don't have to do it all - at least not right now. And that's a good thing.

I'm not trying to dissuade the OP. But - she must recognize that she is choosing a hard life.

Any single parent will tell her that it is not easy. I'm not saying don't do it - but it's a lot harder doing it all alone.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:39 PM
 
Location: Vermont
10,097 posts, read 10,632,104 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I find it rather discouraging how irrelevant fathers appear to be as of late.........
Not to the kids who have them. . . .

or the kids who don't.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:42 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,376 posts, read 15,095,943 times
Reputation: 20917
Quote:
Originally Posted by jackmccullough View Post
Not to the kids who have them. . . .

or the kids who don't.
That's absolutely true. It will be a terrible hurt for my son all of his life.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,866 posts, read 7,077,525 times
Reputation: 5113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
Really? You expect to earn all the income and parent single-handedly with your husband? A fraction of the work? Please.

It's not about dividing up the tasks - it's imagine if you had to do every single bit of it on your own. No help. No second income. No . . nothing.
Yes. I have imagined it because it is how many families I know operate. Its not fun or ideal but many people are used to doing things all on their own and with no financial help. I've been working since I was 16 and put myself through college while working full-time and with NO financial help. I was preparing to do it alone just as my sister, cousins and many aunts have (and with their blessing and encouragement).

Not everyone expects to marry. Some of us get lucky.
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