Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thank you! After reading these comments, it's evident that very few people actually read my statements.
No, we read them, but then the conversaton went off on a tangent.
So let's get back to your situation. You want marriage and children but you don't have any prospects and you feel that at 34, time is running out. And, you've got a real point, because it is.
What you specifically need, therefore, is a man who wants to be married and have children, too. Yes, listen, it will be nice if tomorrow you magically crash in the corridor and mix up your peanut butter with some man's chocolate and all is birdies and rainbows, but while we waiting for that to happen, let's work on the logical, planned route.
I know Julia warned against this turning into a Relationships post, but I want to concentrate on the parenting part.
Write yourself a very specific list of what you want in a man who would be a father to your children. Wouldn't that type of man be the same type of person you want in a husband, too?
Then take that list and go to the professional matchmaker that you mentioned in an earlier post. But write down the details of the character of the person you are looking for. If you want a family, go out and specifically search for a compatible man who wants a family, too.
My friend did this (only she did it on EHarmony.) She was 35 and wanted to be married and have children. She was very specific to the point where she wanted him to be Catholic and preferred that he was from an Italian background as she was. She met someone who like her had one brief marriage previously and no children, he was in construction like her father, and he wanted to get married and have kids as much as she did. They married two years ago, had their first child last August. I don't know if she would say she saw fireworks when she met him, but you can tell they love one another and their baby girl, and they seem happy.
Good luck to you. Being a mom is a wonderful thing, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
It is natural to want a child but purposely having a child out of wedlock is selfish. A child needs a strong support system which includes both parents to flourish. I grew up in a neighborhood filled with single moms and the kids did not turn out so great especially the boys. Boys really need to have strong male role models to teach them how to become productive men. Fathers are also instrumental in developing their daughters' self esteem. I would suggest that you either adopt or get a dog. We just do not need anymore fatherless children being brought in the world to fill a void.
If you are having a very hard time finding "Mr. Right", I would suggest asking a male friend to maybe donate his sperm. You all could raise the child together but not really be together. I wouldn't use a sperm bank because that really does leave the child without a father and you might not know the mental/physical condition of the person you are getting the sample from.
A friend of mine was in a similar boat as you. 34, couldn't find the right guy, and wanted a child so badly. She ended up getting sperm donation from one of her gay male friends and they now have a beautiful son together. lol. Its an odd situation, but they raise that child very well.
A lot of people are telling you to not have a child without having a husband. I think that is crap. In the modern world, children don't need their parents to be together. They just need both parents to be "there".
It will be hard, but maybe you should. Why don't you find a gay man who wants to have a child? And the child would have a father who could be involved.
Haha. Thats exactly what what I was talking about in my post.
make sure you know the responsibilties of being a parent and be sure you have the money to support it on your own and remember that you will need a job that will understand when you need to miss work for your baby
Father's aren't irrelevant. But being married doesn't necessarily guarantee that a father figure is going to be a part of the baby's life. Or that he will be a POSITIVE influence on the baby's life. He could work all the time to provide for his family and never be around. He could just be a deadbeat hanging with his friends vs being home with his family. He could (God forbid) die of a horrible tragedy. Point being that....a woman doesn't "require" a man to successfully raise a child. If it did require a father....it would mean that any child who lost his/her father at a young age must be miserable and have nothing to contribute to society - which I do not believe is true. Is it best to have a good mom and dad present? Of course. No argument there. But even in situations where that is the intention from the start....it doesn't always work out that way. (divorce rate is so high) A father is not the only possible male influence that can be made on a child's life. Good neighbors, relatives, friends....can all provide a positive male role model for a child. So while I'm not pushing every woman to do it 'alone'....I am saying that there are certainly instances where it can be done and done well. It is deserving of careful thought, consideration and planning - for sure. I haven't done it because I don't believe I have the finances to provide the way I would want to. It breaks my heart....but I'm just being realistic. If I did have the finances.....I'd have done it years ago! Wishing every day that I'd win the lottery to make my dream come true but....I'm not holding my breathe. For those of you who have the finances to work a 40hr work week and then be home raising your child...and living comfortably/healthily....I say go for it!
Did it EVER occur to you that maybe you just aren't meant to be a mother if indeed Mr. Right doesn't show up soon?
Where did you get that entitlement mentality?
Oh for the love...
There are a lot of single people who would make terrific parents, and a lot of married ones who make crappy ones, many of whom end up single later anyway. This poster is no more or less "entitled" than any one married or single, to become a parent.
And 34 is not "very" young in the realm of child bearing. 2 more years and she'll be considered advanced maternal age.
Let me quickly explain. Lately, I've been fantasizing about having a child or two. I have a very good career and a very stable middle class lifestyle, however, I am currently single and approaching 34. This baby thing is becoming an obsession. I fear that if I wait too long, I may become too old to have one naturally.
Has anyone else experienced these feelings? If so, what did you do?
Leila,
You've stood your ground against some very un-constructive comments here. My favorite is from people who think it's 'selfish' to want a child on your own. I did exactly what you are thinking of, and I can tell you, there is nothing selfish about it. My life after kids is nothing (!) like it was when I was carefree and 'single'. Don't get me wrong, it's great but very different. It requires a lot of selflessness to raise children, married or single and as some wiser posters have said, there are very good and bad parents on both sides of the fence.
My advice is to seek out a group such as Single Mothers by Choice and get advice from people who have been there. You will not get sugarcoated views from these women. They do not encourage or discourage 'thinkers' but do offer insight on the process and their own experiences. Good luck in whatever you decide and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I did exactly what you are thinking of, and I can tell you, there is nothing selfish about it. My life after kids is nothing (!) like it was when I was carefree and 'single'. Don't get me wrong, it's great but very different. It requires a lot of selflessness to raise children, married or single and as some wiser posters have said, there are very good and bad parents on both sides of the fence. 
