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Old 02-08-2012, 08:55 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,722,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Yes that is true. However, kids that know what a healthy relationship looks like should be more able to spot an unhealthy relationship.

Boys who live in abusive homes are more likely to be violent than those who do not. Girls who live in abusive home are more likely to accept abuse than girls who do not.

I stand by my comment that the best way to ensure healthy relationships in your children is to have healthy relationships yourself.
I agree.

My lectures would lean more on not having sex, not caving into any pressure, including drinking and drugs, and I set a curfew and watch to make sure my kids are not having emotional problems in a relationship, as long as their dates are over by the curfew time, and everyone seems happy and there is no big emotional drama, child maintains usual friendships and activities, I will assume everything is fine.

Kids learn more by parents' example than anything else, a child who has never been emotionally or physically abused isn't suddenly going to gravitate toward those relationships.

Now if one of my children seemed unhappy, too emotional, changed his or her pattern and became isolated from family and friends during a relationship, I would definitely start looking into what was going on.

Violent behavior would be something you would address very early on -- age 1 or 2, a child who has always played well with other kids including siblings, the family pets is not likely going to just suddenly smack around a girl friend.
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:34 PM
 
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When I have kids some day, I will tell them about this cause I've been there. I was never raised to use violence but you can never know with a partner. My kids, when I have them, will definitely get a heads up and a list of red flags to look out for.
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:38 PM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,231,190 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Yes that is true. However, kids that know what a healthy relationship looks like should be more able to spot an unhealthy relationship.

Boys who live in abusive homes are more likely to be violent than those who do not. Girls who live in abusive home are more likely to accept abuse than girls who do not.

I stand by my comment that the best way to ensure healthy relationships in your children is to have healthy relationships yourself.
Both men and women are more likely to accept and or dole out abuse if they grew up in abusive situations. It's not like being an abuser is entirely delegated to the male sex and being abused is entirely delegated to the female sex. Women can and do hit, and men can and do get hit. It's even harder to come out about that because society doesn't expect that.

When my ex black female partner was hitting my white male roommate and he had the marks to prove it, people's first question was "well, did you cheat on her?" and not "are you okay?" And everyone assumed he was causing all the marks on me, when it was actually her. You have to be careful not to assume who is abusing who just based on sex or race.
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Old 02-08-2012, 09:40 PM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,231,190 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
And men can be victims of domestic violence too in gay or straight relationships, the seldom talked about victims.
Thank you!

Abuse can happen in all kinds of relationships: straight or gay, man on woman, woman on man, black on white, white on black, etc. You can't suspect someone more or less just because of their sex, gender, orientation, race, etc.
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Old 02-09-2012, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,645,868 times
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saw this example in the paper today. so sad.

Pregnant Teen Held 9 Days, Beaten by Boyfriend - ABC News
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Old 02-09-2012, 01:26 PM
 
11,230 posts, read 9,233,571 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
The time to talk to kids about being violent towards women is well before they are of dating age. If a boy understands that it is never ok to be abusive to a girl you really shouldn't need to have this conversation with your sons.
What about protecting him from abuse at the hands of women?
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Old 02-09-2012, 01:27 PM
 
11,230 posts, read 9,233,571 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I think teaching kids about physical violence is the easy part; most of them have heard "it's not okay to hit" since they were kids. Other issues may be harder to broach, such as "no means no." Even harder than that is talking about coercion, emotional abuse, drugs, alcohol, and date rape. One of my dearest friends is in her 30s and was the victim of date rape last year. He didn't smack her around ... date rape often doesn't.

The other thing that is missing from the don't hit conversation is the systematic degredation of self esteem, the systematic isolation from support systems, the sincerely apologies, the grief, the guilt that they would die without you...
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Old 02-09-2012, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,398 posts, read 16,003,306 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
The other thing that is missing from the don't hit conversation is the systematic degredation of self esteem, the systematic isolation from support systems, the sincerely apologies, the grief, the guilt that they would die without you...
This this this.

Emotional abuse is much more common than physical abuse (though it can turn into physical abuse as well). It's much more insidious - it happens slowly. My best friend in high school was the victim of emotional abuse. Over 2 years, her boyfriend systematically broke her self esteem and isolated her from others. He made her go to the same college as her. It was only when he cheated on her that she snapped out of it. I don't know if the abuse ever got physical.

Her parents didn't recognize the level of abuse and she was so brainwashed that she didn't understand. Ever since, her life has been a series of romantic missteps that it doesn't take a psychologist to see the root cause.

Talk to your kids about ALL forms of abuse. By the time they get hit for the first time, they are most likely already brainwashed into thinking it's their fault.
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Old 02-09-2012, 02:57 PM
 
11,614 posts, read 19,720,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
What about protecting him from abuse at the hands of women?
Honestly, I am not worried about that.
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,976 posts, read 11,794,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
The other thing that is missing from the don't hit conversation is the systematic degredation of self esteem, the systematic isolation from support systems, the sincerely apologies, the grief, the guilt that they would die without you...
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Talk to your kids about ALL forms of abuse. By the time they get hit for the first time, they are most likely already brainwashed into thinking it's their fault.
Both excellent points.

I'm honestly quite amazed by the posts saying parents are not worried as it won't happen to their child. Obviously that is what one hopes for, but what is the harm in talking about it, at the very least you have given them information they may need to help a friend if not themselves. The statistics should speak for themselves on this subject.
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