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Old 02-12-2012, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Planet Eaarth
8,958 posts, read 7,728,192 times
Reputation: 7193
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
We are going through a very tough decision making experience.

We are in our late 30’s, and my husband’s job (he’s a truck driver) closed their facility here in NJ, and the company offered to relocate us to TN (14 hours away from here) where he would be able to keep his job, benefits, 401k, etc. While we both know this is a big move, and there are no guarantees for any job, anywhere, this is a move we are seriously considering. We are taking the trip next week to check out the area, and staying with a friend of ours that lives out there. (other than this person we don’t know anyone else in TN)
Follow the job that has benefits.

That is what your parents would tell you if you asked them .

If either one of your folk's have a down turn deal with it at that time since only then will you know what you can do to help.
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Old 02-12-2012, 01:17 PM
 
7,685 posts, read 7,976,101 times
Reputation: 10231
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
Yes, as a woman.... I suppose it is a part of a womans makeup LOL.

My dad wuold move in a heart beat, but my mom won't.
She says "my doctors are here" (they are healthy, but their regular annual dr).

I would hate to have them in a nursing home far from me but I understand what you're saying

I think part of the reason she won't relocate is because she still wants to see my brothers who live in NY, about 2.5 hours away (which I totally understand)

Yep, they live in a 2-story house...and I would think that there will come a time that they can't climb those stairs comfortably. Or maintain the property.

And she definately is the type of person who thinks everything is going to remain status quo

Well unfortunately nothing stays the same. A day will come when they won't be able to climb those stairs.

The other thing is your mother aware of today's economy? Many older people are clueless as how things work today. They don't understand not only how hard it is to get a job, but how the job process has changed.

Many think you can walk into an office and ask for a job.

They don't realize that people have to apply online to even get a part time job at CVS.

So saying your husband can find another job in NJ, or find one quickly is not realistic.

It also sounds like your brothers don't visit that often. So your mother is afraid with you leaving she has no children locally.

It sounds like if your parents need assistance later on you will be the child who ends up helping them or maybe even living with you. It usually falls on one child.

Maybe you could talk with your dad and have him bring up some of these points to your mother. That they would be better off being close to you in TN, than being on their own in NJ.

Not saying they should move overnight, but as they get older a small house in TN close to you is better than a large house that they don't need and at some point can't maintain.

You may also find once you move you will see your brothers and their familes more often. It's far enough away to require a plane trip and you may find you have freqeunt houseguests.
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Old 02-12-2012, 01:30 PM
 
29,990 posts, read 19,619,362 times
Reputation: 12340
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
My mom does not like any form of change, not one thing about it. Doesn't matter what it is. Regardless if it's something small (like changing the color of a room) or somthing huge like this. The guilt trips kill me tho.

My husband wants to go, and I'd LOVE the experience of it all. If we go out & hate it, we can always come back, altho we probably really wouldn't be able to afford to do so. A move, from what Im looking into, can be mighty expensive. But in our current situatino, his job is paying towards relocating us.

Advice well accepted...about not having them live with us. They're too independing right now for us to consider that, and we'd end up arguing like cats & dogs. ...but we'd love it if they said they'd buy a retirment house there.
Thoughts:

Parents can only make you feel guilty under two circumstances:
You've truly done something to deserve it. Or, you have a manipulative parent who uses guilt to get their way and you let them make you feel guilty from years of re-enforced enablement of that manipulative behavior.

Just as you want/need your independence your parents need theirs while they are still young enough/well enough.

1) Your mother is never going to change. Her rigidity is not your responsibility but she is trying to make it your problem. Your father married your mother knowing this and thus her rigidity is his to deal with, not yours. Maybe someone can suggest your mother deal with her insecurities/fear through therapy? It is odd that a healthy person would cling to physicians she sees once a year over being with family or living the life her spouse wants.

2) You married your husband to build a life with him, not with your parents.

GO! Make the move, build your lives. You can visit your parents and they can visit you. You can communicate via skype daily if you want/need to do so. If/when your parents reach the state of infirmed health you can decide then how to deal with it and if to move back or move them closer to you. Frankly, from a financial planning aspect, your parents are crazy not to want to move to TN or another more tax friendly state at this time in their lives, IMO.

Stop giving others the permisson to make you feel guilty!
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Old 02-12-2012, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Knoxville,Tn.
2,009 posts, read 3,358,034 times
Reputation: 1466
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal View Post
Thoughts:

Parents can only make you feel guilty under two circumstances:
You've truly done something to deserve it. Or, you have a manipulative parent who uses guilt to get their way and you let them make you feel guilty from years of re-enforced enablement of that manipulative behavior.

Just as you want/need your independence your parents need theirs while they are still young enough/well enough.

1) Your mother is never going to change. Her rigidity is not your responsibility but she is trying to make it your problem. Your father married your mother knowing this and thus her rigidity is his to deal with, not yours. Maybe someone can suggest your mother deal with her insecurities/fear through therapy? It is odd that a healthy person would cling to physicians she sees once a year over being with family or living the life her spouse wants.

2) You married your husband to build a life with him, not with your parents.

GO! Make the move, build your lives. You can visit your parents and they can visit you. You can communicate via skype daily if you want/need to do so. If/when your parents reach the state of infirmed health you can decide then how to deal with it and if to move back or move them closer to you. Frankly, from a financial planning aspect, your parents are crazy not to want to move to TN or another more tax friendly state at this time in their lives, IMO.

Stop giving others the permisson to make you feel guilty!
Wow, now that was a wise post with great advice. I hope you take it.
Pam
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Old 02-12-2012, 06:32 PM
 
65 posts, read 92,999 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal View Post
Thoughts:

Parents can only make you feel guilty under two circumstances:
You've truly done something to deserve it. Or, you have a manipulative parent who uses guilt to get their way and you let them make you feel guilty from years of re-enforced enablement of that manipulative behavior.

Just as you want/need your independence your parents need theirs while they are still young enough/well enough.

1) Your mother is never going to change. Her rigidity is not your responsibility but she is trying to make it your problem. Your father married your mother knowing this and thus her rigidity is his to deal with, not yours. Maybe someone can suggest your mother deal with her insecurities/fear through therapy? It is odd that a healthy person would cling to physicians she sees once a year over being with family or living the life her spouse wants.

2) You married your husband to build a life with him, not with your parents.

GO! Make the move, build your lives. You can visit your parents and they can visit you. You can communicate via skype daily if you want/need to do so. If/when your parents reach the state of infirmed health you can decide then how to deal with it and if to move back or move them closer to you. Frankly, from a financial planning aspect, your parents are crazy not to want to move to TN or another more tax friendly state at this time in their lives, IMO.

Stop giving others the permisson to make you feel guilty!
wow, I think you hit the nail on the head,.. she is manipulative, always has been, always will be..

And yes I'm just as at fault for allowing people to make me feel this way, I wish I was stronger.

My husband & I were out today, and I saw a daughter eating lunch w/her 2 elderly parents. The dad looked like he had a stroke or something...and all I could think is "that could be my daddy someday"...and there I was sitting in this place with my husband....teary eyed.

You all are very helpful & supportive tho, and I thank you for that!
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Old 02-12-2012, 06:47 PM
 
65 posts, read 92,999 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Well unfortunately nothing stays the same. A day will come when they won't be able to climb those stairs.

The other thing is your mother aware of today's economy? Many older people are clueless as how things work today. They don't understand not only how hard it is to get a job, but how the job process has changed.

Many think you can walk into an office and ask for a job.

They don't realize that people have to apply online to even get a part time job at CVS.

So saying your husband can find another job in NJ, or find one quickly is not realistic.

It also sounds like your brothers don't visit that often. So your mother is afraid with you leaving she has no children locally.

It sounds like if your parents need assistance later on you will be the child who ends up helping them or maybe even living with you. It usually falls on one child.

Maybe you could talk with your dad and have him bring up some of these points to your mother. That they would be better off being close to you in TN, than being on their own in NJ.

Not saying they should move overnight, but as they get older a small house in TN close to you is better than a large house that they don't need and at some point can't maintain.

You may also find once you move you will see your brothers and their familes more often. It's far enough away to require a plane trip and you may find you have freqeunt houseguests.
My mom is clueless about the job hunting, she never had to work a day in her life & my dad worked in an era where he literally was able to walk into a place, and was hired. And that's what she says my husband needs to do. My dad understands 100%, but she won't even listen to him.

My dad says he has tried to talk w/her but to no avail. I suppose he will keep trying, but my mom is just stubborn.

I even said to them "we wouldn't expect you to move overnight"...but said to them 'we would hope you would consider moving near us if we do make this move.'
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Old 02-12-2012, 06:49 PM
 
65 posts, read 92,999 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grandpa Pipes View Post
That is what your parents would tell you if you asked them .
That's just it tho...We did try to talk w/them. All the years of my mom telling me how important benefits are, now that we are in this situation, she just doesn't get it...she thinks we will find a job overnight, with benefits, so we can just stay right here.
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Old 02-15-2012, 12:32 PM
 
8,012 posts, read 3,655,212 times
Reputation: 9540
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
That's just it tho...We did try to talk w/them. All the years of my mom telling me how important benefits are, now that we are in this situation, she just doesn't get it...she thinks we will find a job overnight, with benefits, so we can just stay right here.
What does it matter what your mother thinks? Whose responsibility is finding the job?
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Old 02-15-2012, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,334,548 times
Reputation: 2081
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
we are going through a very tough decision making experience.

we are in our late 30ís, and my husbandís job (heís a truck driver) closed their facility here in nj, and the company offered to relocate us to tn (14 hours away from here) where he would be able to keep his job, benefits, 401k, etc. While we both know this is a big move, and there are no guarantees for any job, anywhere, this is a move we are seriously considering. We are taking the trip next week to check out the area, and staying with a friend of ours that lives out there. (other than this person we donít know anyone else in tn)

he has looked for jobs in nj for a few weeks & was offered one without benefits Ö.and while iím sure he will eventually find a job here, itís just not really where we want to plant our roots, and start a family. We are looking at a move to tn as an opportunity for us. We want to experience the move, and feel itís where we want to plant our roots. We might hate it....but we might love it!

right now we are on my health insurance through my job (which i was looking to leave soon) and am paying $500 a month for it, we need it, so we have to pay it. His job we'd be paying about $100 a month.

my husband is not close with his family at all & we donít see them due to other conflicts, they are out in pa. However, we do see my parents a few times a month, and live within a Ĺ hour of them now.

we both feel our downside is this offer isÖ..my parents are heading towards 80 (my dad will be 79 this year, my mom just turned 76) my dad says heíd follow us out there, but my mom says no way-no how. My husband & i are very close w/my parents & we see them a few times a month now. If/when we move away, they wonít have anyone in the area or even in the state for that matter.

i have 3 brothers who are in their 50ís & all have grown kids in their 20ís, who all live about 2-1/2 hours away in new york Öwe talk on the phone, but only see them maybe 2-3 times a year (once for christmas, and a few times in the summer.) my mom says she wonít leave nj because they worked hard for what they have now and they are within driving distance of my brothers.

years ago, my parents made the decision to leave their parents & my brothers in ny and moved down to nj. (my brothers are from my momís previous marriage & their father was in ny, hence why my brothers are so much older than i am) they lived close enough tho, so the custody setup was that my brothers were down nj every weekend with my parents. My mom is using this to guilt us into not moving ďthat even tho they decided to move from ny to nj, they are still in driving distance)

i would feel terribly guilty leaving my parents (we are close) because they are getting up in age. They are healthy as a horse and live in a big house that they still take care of the property (not acreage but large lot that they have to mow, landscape, etc) but i would want them near us so we can care for them when they are older. My brothers are close w/them too tho and i know they would be sad if they moved, but as i said they only see them a few times a year.

we have not kids yet, but am planning on starting a family soon.

i am looking at it 2 ways "i don't want to look back 10 years from now & say i regretted not taking the chance on moving" but i also dn't want to look back and say "i regret moving because we were not there for my elderly parents".

ideas, advise???
move them with you!
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Old 02-15-2012, 12:57 PM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 1,334,548 times
Reputation: 2081
To clarify, when my parents are at that point where they will need me to take care of them, I will move them to where I am.
We should take care of our own if we can.
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