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Old 02-16-2012, 04:34 PM
 
65 posts, read 189,788 times
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Well...we are still driving....we r finally in Tn tho! lol. Itll prob be a total of 15-16 hours before we get to where we are going.

There is no way in h*ll my parents would ever be able to make this drive....mom doesnt drive (never did, she always relies on dad to drive her everywhere) and itll be too much driving for my dad.



They wont fly, cant really afford to either. We cant afford to fly, so not sure how often we would be able to visit...after realizing how far the drive is, it wont be often.
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Old 02-16-2012, 04:39 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,723,874 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
Well...we are still driving....we r finally in Tn tho! lol. Itll prob be a total of 15-16 hours before we get to where we are going.

There is no way in h*ll my parents would ever be able to make this drive....mom doesnt drive (never did, she always relies on dad to drive her everywhere) and itll be too much driving for my dad.



They wont fly, cant really afford to either. We cant afford to fly, so not sure how often we would be able to visit...after realizing how far the drive is, it wont be often.
thanks for the update. It is better to realize that now than later. But you are all adults. You can't afford to fly, but what will you be able to afford to do if you don't move and are unemployed?
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Sunshine N'Blue Skies
13,320 posts, read 19,657,523 times
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Well you might have to drive them down.....This way you wouldn't have to go back and forth.
I understand as our family is spread out now. It happens.......life goes this way now.
People are offered jobs in different states more often then not.
We would so love to be living by our family but they have jobs up north, and we needed better
weather down south. For my husbands health and my health.
Jobs keep them north, and I understand as they are good, solid jobs with benefits.
One may move further south then we are soon.
Yes, Tenn. was a big trip for you but once you settle in there you might just love it.
I'm betting Mom and Dad would come.
I am seeing this issue come up a lot in our extended family. Your not alone making these hard
decisions.
Although, having that job is important....it is your means of living.
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:37 PM
 
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Maybe they could take the train to visit you...get a sleeper car and that way they get to enjoy the countryside as they travel
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:29 AM
 
Location: Central Indiana/Indy metro area
1,416 posts, read 2,169,240 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
And we've discussed maybe using a few vaca days to drive back here. It's a 14 hour trip, so that right there would be 2 vaca days jsut for driving. I think flying might get to be a bit expensive tho.
Unless you are in poor health yourself, a 14 hour trip isn't all that bad. I know some folks can't stand to be in a car for say longer than 12 hours, but so long as you get some pillows and just drive and not take hours to eat your meals, such a trip is easily doable. I drove from St. Augustine, FL to Indy in a day, and then another trip from Indy to Manhattan. I found that if Google Maps say it is a 14 hour drive, it usually takes me exactly that, or maybe even an hour less....and that includes 10-15 mins rest stops/bath room breaks, eating for 20-30 mins. at Denny's, fast food places.

There is no way it should take two days for driving. Since you know the area, arriving after dark shouldn't be a big issue.

As far as your parents, you have got to move for survival. My wife and I don't have kids and we are a bit younger than you and your husband. However, my sister does, and my mom loves her two grand kids. She has already started in because my sister may move about 20 miles away!! My sister even told me that my mom said 'You may as well move across the country!' At the same time, she told me that she never expected use kids to care for them when they were unable to care for themselves. She knows they may have to live in assisted living if it came to that.

You have to understand that these older generations are part of a much larger group: The socialist generation. While half will pro-claim they aren't socialist, the fact is they love the idea of a pension plan, union wages and benefits, social security, and medicare. Some don't see the world the way our generation and younger see it. Most had the ability to buy one house, for half of what a home would cost now, make a good wage, live in that house for decades building equity, keep the same job, and retire around 55-63.

You need to move if it means survival. Ask your mom if she will front the money for healthcare? To help make the bills? There is likely a serious disconnect in how your mom views how you two are living, your monetary situation, etc.. Old people in many states get various tax breaks, and they don't really grasp the younger generations are funding for their socialist lifestyle of social security and Medicare, and have to worry about higher ed costs that have skyrocketed in just the past decade. Older folks need to be taught the issues, and those too hard head to understand just need to be left alone to be mad and unhappy in life. This country changed into a global economy. If isn't our fault many factory jobs left, and the concept of working near home, with a good job, for 30 years is pretty much dead. Some get it, some don't.
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Old 02-20-2012, 05:35 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,608,566 times
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I find this diatribe against the "socialist" generation- my generation- appalling.
We are no more socialist than a generation which depends on unemployment benefits, government assisted pre school, etc. This is not the place to be even talking about this issue. Go to politics if you feel you need to spout off about it.
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:04 PM
 
65 posts, read 189,788 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indy_317 View Post
You need to move if it means survival. Ask your mom if she will front the money for healthcare? To help make the bills? There is likely a serious disconnect in how your mom views how you two are living, your monetary situation, etc.. Old people in many states get various tax breaks, and they don't really grasp the younger generations are funding for their socialist lifestyle of social security and Medicare, and have to worry about higher ed costs that have skyrocketed in just the past decade. Older folks need to be taught the issues, and those too hard head to understand just need to be left alone to be mad and unhappy in life. This country changed into a global economy. If isn't our fault many factory jobs left, and the concept of working near home, with a good job, for 30 years is pretty much dead. Some get it, some don't.
My parents don't understand that we have to make a move to survive. We just can't afford where we are living. We want (and have to) move somewhere that cost of living is less-expensive. As far as them footing the cash to pay our bills....there's no way they would be able to afford it, but they still don't understand why we need to make this change. She feels we will just "find a job here"

She even went as far as to tell my husband that "we need to make changes & take a pay cut" just so we can stay in the area.
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:25 PM
 
65 posts, read 189,788 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indy_317 View Post
Unless you are in poor health yourself, a 14 hour trip isn't all that bad. I know some folks can't stand to be in a car for say longer than 12 hours, but so long as you get some pillows and just drive and not take hours to eat your meals, such a trip is easily doable. I drove from St. Augustine, FL to Indy in a day, and then another trip from Indy to Manhattan. I found that if Google Maps say it is a 14 hour drive, it usually takes me exactly that, or maybe even an hour less....and that includes 10-15 mins rest stops/bath room breaks, eating for 20-30 mins. at Denny's, fast food places.There is no way it should take two days for driving. Since you know the area, arriving after dark shouldn't be a big issue.
14 hours is not bad at all, hubby is a trucker & this is a normal day for him. But the problem is work schedules. If we came back to visit every couple of months, we would leave Friday night, drive all the way through, get to NJ tired, stay a few hours, and have to drive back to make it back for a Monday work day. We wouldn't be able to take time off from work every other month, or even every 3 months, to drive. And we checked flights, way to expensive (almost $900 for the 2 of us round trip, we can't manage that everyother month)
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:39 PM
 
65 posts, read 189,788 times
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Default Update -

But my mom called my husband CRYING, saying
1) you can live within a 2 hour radius & at least be close to us
2) don't do this to us, what happens when you have a baby
3) we moved from NY to NJ but we were only 2.5 hours away, driving distance
4) We can never move away, we have our doctors here, and are close to your brothers (2.5 hours away)
5) We are older and how many more years do we have? (my parents are both very healthy and still live in & maintain a large 2-story house)
6) My parents are scrambling to find my husband a job locally! (They are searching online & in the local paper)
7) Mom offered for us to live w/them rent free (while this is a nice thought, it's just her way to get us to live right where she wants us and we would have "0" privacy - we are newlyweds)

We did visit TN this week, and my husband & I don't know if he is going to take the job in TN, but we are definetly moving out of NJ. No matter where we move, this is what we will be up against.
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Old 02-20-2012, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,387 posts, read 1,161,846 times
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Default Move away with your husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
But my mom called my husband CRYING, saying
1) you can live within a 2 hour radius & at least be close to us
2) don't do this to us, what happens when you have a baby
3) we moved from NY to NJ but we were only 2.5 hours away, driving distance
4) We can never move away, we have our doctors here, and are close to your brothers (2.5 hours away)
5) We are older and how many more years do we have? (my parents are both very healthy and still live in & maintain a large 2-story house)
6) My parents are scrambling to find my husband a job locally! (They are searching online & in the local paper)
7) Mom offered for us to live w/them rent free (while this is a nice thought, it's just her way to get us to live right where she wants us and we would have "0" privacy - we are newlyweds)

We did visit TN this week, and my husband & I don't know if he is going to take the job in TN, but we are definitely moving out of NJ. No matter where we move, this is what we will be up against.
Your mother is being entirely selfish. As many others have said, you are married now and your first priority is your husband and your marriage.

I personally feel that it is a good idea for a young couple to live away from relatives, early in their marriage. And far enough that a weekend visit is hard. It gives them a chance to depend on each other more, and cement themselves as a couple, without constant interference and unwanted advice.

Get Scype and keep in contact that way. As I have told friends and relatives the road goes both ways. No one should be required to do all of the traveling for visits.

No way should you stay and take a pay cut in this economy. A lack of health insurance could become a disaster economically if an illness or accident happened.

She will just have to get over it or not.
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