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Old 02-20-2012, 04:22 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,730,432 times
Reputation: 31039

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Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
My parents don't understand that we have to make a move to survive. We just can't afford where we are living. We want (and have to) move somewhere that cost of living is less-expensive. As far as them footing the cash to pay our bills....there's no way they would be able to afford it, but they still don't understand why we need to make this change. She feels we will just "find a job here"

She even went as far as to tell my husband that "we need to make changes & take a pay cut" just so we can stay in the area.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
But my mom called my husband CRYING, saying
1) you can live within a 2 hour radius & at least be close to us
2) don't do this to us, what happens when you have a baby
3) we moved from NY to NJ but we were only 2.5 hours away, driving distance
4) We can never move away, we have our doctors here, and are close to your brothers (2.5 hours away)
5) We are older and how many more years do we have? (my parents are both very healthy and still live in & maintain a large 2-story house)
6) My parents are scrambling to find my husband a job locally! (They are searching online & in the local paper)
7) Mom offered for us to live w/them rent free (while this is a nice thought, it's just her way to get us to live right where she wants us and we would have "0" privacy - we are newlyweds)

We did visit TN this week, and my husband & I don't know if he is going to take the job in TN, but we are definetly moving out of NJ. No matter where we move, this is what we will be up against.
All of this would only make me want to leave more!
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Old 02-20-2012, 09:07 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,633,393 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
My mom is clueless about the job hunting, she never had to work a day in her life & my dad worked in an era where he literally was able to walk into a place, and was hired. And that's what she says my husband needs to do. My dad understands 100%, but she won't even listen to him.

My dad says he has tried to talk w/her but to no avail. I suppose he will keep trying, but my mom is just stubborn.

I even said to them "we wouldn't expect you to move overnight"...but said to them 'we would hope you would consider moving near us if we do make this move.'
Well you may find down the road after you move and your parents come to visit that your mother changes her mind.

I honestly don't see why an elderly couple would stay in NJ(which has the highest property taxes in the nation) in a two story house when it is just the two of them.

You said your parents are in their late 70s, my dad needed his first hip surgery at age 78. Thankfully they had downsized to a smaller one story home.

Excuse me for saying this but you mother sounds like one of these "all about me" types.

Maybe changing the course of the discussion from you moving away and make it more about two elderly people in a two story house.

Get her thinking about THEIR FUTURE, because you can almost guarantee given their age that one of them or both of them will run into medical issues and the two story house becomes a problem.
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Old 02-22-2012, 03:19 AM
 
Location: Central Indiana/Indy metro area
1,416 posts, read 2,169,888 times
Reputation: 1295
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I find this diatribe against the "socialist" generation- my generation- appalling.
We are no more socialist than a generation which depends on unemployment benefits, government assisted pre school, etc. This is not the place to be even talking about this issue. Go to politics if you feel you need to spout off about it.
While some of the stuff is political, it is also how people view others. It is important to understand the mentality of some people. I was raised in a mostly mid-to-upper class family, and the extended family was mostly the same. A few were maybe lower middle class, plenty waste money like many people in this country.

This mostly comes down to greed, which isn't political. It is about 'me, myself, and I' and in issues such as this, it isn't hard to find similar examples in many families. Families that have put down roots in one particular city or state, especially over many generations, usually see these issues more so than others. In most cases, the parents/grandparents are upset at siblings moving even though they are well off financially. Even if they aren't well off, but can sustain themselves, they still demand kids don't move away. This is a generation that is much more likely to have a pension, is receiving social security, should have a paid-off home, should have at least some assets saved, and unless in extremely poor health, has the healthcare issue taken care of via VA or Medicare. The kids, they don't have anything, and most in my generations don't see us getting anything. No SS, no SSDI, no Medicaid, no Medicare.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
But my mom called my husband CRYING, saying
(snip)

We did visit TN this week, and my husband & I don't know if he is going to take the job in TN, but we are definitely moving out of NJ. No matter where we move, this is what we will be up against.
It is time to sit your parents straight. They have to be told of the issues. If they are getting half off property taxes, show them that. If they are old enough for government healthcare, point that out. Give an example that even if you two moved in with them and saved up $10K in cash, that could be gone in a flash if one of you just fell on some ice and broke a wrist. Lots of older folks, just don't get how things have really changed in the world.

You have got to do what you have to do. We are moving as well, not far away, but to a county that is more costly. We may not move for a while, because I don't want even more mortgage debt when we have done well paying down our current mortgage. My wife and I will likely never have kids, but my mom thinks we still need a home the same size of theirs, 2,000 sq. ft.. We have 1,300 sq. ft., and I would like another room for entertaining, but she even thinks 1,700 sq. ft. is small. I told her that they paid $60K initially for their home, and that their home in that county would be asking $150K. While we make more than they did at their age, it isn't that much more, and a larger mortgage just means a larger amount of interest paid. These are just the differences the generations have. My mom thinks anyone with any college degree should be able to get a job in any large city making at least $40K/year if not more. This is because they didn't go to college, and back then, if you had college, you had a job. I've told her that there were people her age going to my college....things have changed in this country, almost a complete 180 from how things were in the 50s/60s. Some changes the older generations get, others, they don't see.
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Old 02-22-2012, 10:28 AM
 
20,793 posts, read 52,363,417 times
Reputation: 10471
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
All of this would only make me want to leave more!


It's time to stop answering Mom's phone calls for a while. Figure out what you need to do and do it, then let mom know. If she starts crying, tell her you will talk to her again when she can deal with this like an adult and hang up.
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:38 PM
 
65 posts, read 189,893 times
Reputation: 33
Well, ...hubby and I decided not to take the job in TN. He is working on a job here in NJ BUT we are not staying in NJ. We are starting to look in other states to see what's the best fit for us....we have to leave Jersey, there is no way we can afford to live here, buy a house and start a family. So the search contiues....as does my mothers begs for us not to leave.....


But thank you for all of your words, it's helped GREATLY! I'll be posting in other states to get area opinions.....
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Old 02-22-2012, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,226,271 times
Reputation: 2387
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
Well, ...hubby and I decided not to take the job in TN. He is working on a job here in NJ BUT we are not staying in NJ. We are starting to look in other states to see what's the best fit for us....we have to leave Jersey, there is no way we can afford to live here, buy a house and start a family. So the search contiues....as does my mothers begs for us not to leave.....


But thank you for all of your words, it's helped GREATLY! I'll be posting in other states to get area opinions.....
Good luck! I'm glad you made a decision that works for the two of you. Let us know how it goes.
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Old 02-23-2012, 03:35 AM
 
29,988 posts, read 35,848,534 times
Reputation: 12719
Quote:
Originally Posted by aphahorse View Post
But my mom called my husband CRYING, saying
1) you can live within a 2 hour radius & at least be close to us
2) don't do this to us, what happens when you have a baby
3) we moved from NY to NJ but we were only 2.5 hours away, driving distance
4) We can never move away, we have our doctors here, and are close to your brothers (2.5 hours away)
5) We are older and how many more years do we have? (my parents are both very healthy and still live in & maintain a large 2-story house)
6) My parents are scrambling to find my husband a job locally! (They are searching online & in the local paper)
7) Mom offered for us to live w/them rent free (while this is a nice thought, it's just her way to get us to live right where she wants us and we would have "0" privacy - we are newlyweds)

We did visit TN this week, and my husband & I don't know if he is going to take the job in TN, but we are definetly moving out of NJ. No matter where we move, this is what we will be up against.
Wow, just as I thought from my original post in this thread, you mother is being extremely emotionally manipulative. She definitely needs counseling if you are to have any sort of healthy relationship moving forward . Imagine how she will try to use a grandchild against you in the future to get her way!

Girl, you are going to have to either practice some "tough love" with your mother or be prepared to allow her to run rough-shod over your marriage and your life (and likely lose your husband in the process).

God gave you a backbone, use it. You can be respectful without capitulating to your mother's tantrums and fits of selfishness. You are a grown woman with a marriage to tend to and your mother made it clear her priority is their doctors and being near your brothers, not the consideration of your happiness and the well being of your new marriage.

You are going to have to have a "sit down" with her and your father and let them know that in no way is it acceptable for her to be calling your husband and trying to make him feel bad about being the head of his own household and doing his best to provide for you as his wife, even if that means moving. No doubt your mother will choose to have her feelings hurt but your father will respect you and likely stick up for you moving forward.

It is time to shake off the shackles of your mother's controlling behaviors. Good luck with that, be strong, and do not concede to her tactics of guilt. Love her, pity her frailty if you must, but do not capitulate.
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Old 02-26-2012, 08:51 AM
 
65 posts, read 189,893 times
Reputation: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal View Post
Wow, just as I thought from my original post in this thread, you mother is being extremely emotionally manipulative. She definitely needs counseling if you are to have any sort of healthy relationship moving forward . Imagine how she will try to use a grandchild against you in the future to get her way!

Girl, you are going to have to either practice some "tough love" with your mother or be prepared to allow her to run rough-shod over your marriage and your life (and likely lose your husband in the process).

God gave you a backbone, use it. You can be respectful without capitulating to your mother's tantrums and fits of selfishness. You are a grown woman with a marriage to tend to and your mother made it clear her priority is their doctors and being near your brothers, not the consideration of your happiness and the well being of your new marriage.

You are going to have to have a "sit down" with her and your father and let them know that in no way is it acceptable for her to be calling your husband and trying to make him feel bad about being the head of his own household and doing his best to provide for you as his wife, even if that means moving. No doubt your mother will choose to have her feelings hurt but your father will respect you and likely stick up for you moving forward.

It is time to shake off the shackles of your mother's controlling behaviors. Good luck with that, be strong, and do not concede to her tactics of guilt. Love her, pity her frailty if you must, but do not capitulate.
Ya know, everyone had really good advice, but this really put it in prospective for me, I never looked at it this way, and it's so true! Thank you!
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