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My all-time favorite from my mother was: YOU JUST LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT TRYING TO THINK OF WAYS TO P*SS ME OFF!!
I was about 14 when she laid that one on me. As I recall, I was in a stage of my life where I wanted to wear her clothes. She'd bought a new sweater/top and had FORBIDDEN me to wear it. Of course...I wore it. Then I spilled cherry icee down the front (it was white). Then I decided to "fix" it by bleaching the stain (the sweater had rainbow-colored trim/pipping along the collar and cuffs, which also got bleached in the process of my "fixing it"). So I totally ruined her sweater and got caught disobeying her direct order, and Mom was about to burst with rage and frustration as she grabbed me by the shoulders and got in my face and delivered The Line That Shall Live in Infamy. (cue dramatic echo)
I was so dumbstruck (and offended!) by the outrageousness of this accusation -- seriously, I might have been a thoughtless kid, but I certaintly didn't premeditate ways to anger her -- that I looked at her and replied, with all the smart-alecky sarcasm of adolescence, "Yeah, I was up all night trying to think of ways to p*ss you off, Mom, and THIS is the best I could come up with." (Like, DUH!)
I have to laugh now to remember her bug-eyed, throbbing-vein reaction. It became this ongoing thing throughout my remaining teenage years. I'd do something spontaneous and stupid and Mom would give me The Look, and I'd roll my eyes and fake yawn....wow...so tired today...up all night last night, you know...trying to think of ways to p*ss you off. How'd I do?
When I was about 19, I did that, and she turned around and glared at me and actually stomped her foot. "Oh! I wish I'd never said that to you!" Ha! No kidding. Be careful what you say to your children. They may torture you with it for the rest of your life. I'm 38 and I STILL pull it out every once in a while as a joke. Aaaah. Revenge is sweet.
My ds was 2 when I had to use that one. Then my dh & I made eye contact and burst out laughing!
I don't know if it qualifies as "Things I never thought I'd say"... more like "Things I wouldn't have believed myself capable of saying before I gave birth"
1. "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Comparing wearing a hat backwards (or whatever) to a lemming-like, mass suicide is pretty silly.
2. "You think you're pretty smart, don't you?" Yes, yes I do. Thanks for noticing
3. "How many times do I have to tell you..." Obviously, at least once more.
WE had a list of things that we never thought that we dwould say until we had children. I will have to look to see if we can find it. The ones that i remember are:
"Stop kissing the goats butt"
"Do NOT lick your brother"
"Batteries do nto go in your nose!"
"Yes honey, we should never eat fireworks" (during a 4th of July display)
"Only one person riding the dog at a time, three is too many"
On a road trip, and we had plenty when I was a kid.
Child: "I have to go to the bathroom!"
Parent: "Why didn't you go when we left the house?"
Maybe because he/she didn't have to go back then?
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parents say the darndest things
