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Old 02-14-2012, 04:51 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,227,656 times
Reputation: 2387

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Childfree35 View Post
I spoke to my sister -- yes, she doing what you described in above paragraph. Said, she's trying this before drugs. Said, drugs are in my neice's future.

#gimmie it#: She needs the help of professionals. Those who diagnosed her should be able to refer her to a social worker/behaviorist. Also, I have so many questions:
when did this behavior start? Not sure
has it worsened? Yes
is she ever not like this? Yes, she has good time and bad.
does she have a para who follows her around in class? Not sure
is she in a special ed class? don't think so
a small enough class for her issues? ??
how is her intelligence? She very bright. Very quick
is she capable of learning? Very much
has she been tested for food allergies? don't think so
any prior abuse? No
(My sister was in her 40's, when my neice was born)

#Kibbiekat#: this. And, again she isn't doing anyone any favors by not using meds if that's what a doctor recommended. She can get a second opinion and maybe some alternative treatment, but your sister needs to listen to the doctors and get some help for this child.

Calm yourself. Sounds like my sis is taking the needed actions for her kid. I'm looking for help with her. Maybe suggest something one of you tried with your child.
Sounds like your sister has the needed team of professionals, then. Has she brought the same exact thing you brought here to them?

As a former behavior therapist, I feel compelled to say, let the professionals do their jobs. If your sister is unhappy with their responsivity, have her bring it up with them and/or find a new therapist(s). With the constellation of problems you've described, having us generate suggestions that may contraindicate the treatment plan could be unhelpful at best and dangerous at worst. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I just don't want your sister to be in the position of getting random advice from strangers when she has a team of professionals to consult who actually know your niece and the specifics of her case. Does that make sense? ETA: I'm sure no one would intend to give advice that could be harmful, but when there are so many separate disorders, there may be special considerations in treating any individual disorder's behaviors that we don't know about but her therapist would.
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Old 02-14-2012, 04:54 PM
 
Location: here
24,472 posts, read 28,750,429 times
Reputation: 31051
OP, realize that change doesn't happen overnight. She may not seem any "better" any time soon, but give whatever therapies time to work.
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Old 02-14-2012, 05:36 PM
 
15,833 posts, read 18,460,249 times
Reputation: 25619
I have an adult son that was diagnosed w/ adhd @7 yrs, tourettes @10 yrs, ocd @12yrs, and oppositional defiant behavior @12 yrs. Your niece has lots of challenges ahead of her. The best thing I did for my child was trust in the professionals. I became a big part of the team, volunteering at school, participating in iep's, learning all I could about my sons disabilities.

Proactive self-education, is critical. Involvement in imperative.

Your sister/neice may qualify for respite care, a trained caregiver that comes into the home to give your sister a break as needed. I could say what worked for my child, but it may not work for yours.

I have shared what is beneficial regarding your sisters role, which is critical.

Consistant supportive loving parenting. There will be times when she wants to just walk out, it is so hard to parent a child at times, and so stressful.

The best thing you could do is be her support system. She needs lots of support. Part of having a child w/ special needs involves greiving for the loss of a "normal" child. Accepting what some see as limitations. Each child is precious, a gift, some children are more challenging than others. It is a fact of life, we have to accept it, and really it isn't about us it is about them. Doing our best at all times for them.

There are groups of other parents that she may want to join, and talk and share and get some relief knowing that she isn't going crazy when she is so tired she can't see straight.

It is our job, no matter how hard to keep going, we are their best advocate, no one knows all the nuances and quirks of our child like us.
Give your Sister and your niece lots of love. It is probably the hardest thing I did as a Mother of 5, many times my other children felt short changed, and I also felt that way because the child w/ special needs is like the squeeky wheel, who gets the oil. There is nothing else that you can do, but keep doing it.

There will be growth, it may take years, there will always be challenges, and even more when the child gets older and begins spending time w/ other teens etc. Prepare yourself for a lifelong commitment to accept "labels" special classes, rehabilitation experts, therapists, special ed, or seriously emotionally disturbed ed.
There are wonderful resources online do some research for your sister. There are so many, and there will be support groups online too. It will help. I would have loved having internet when my child was small, he is almost 30. A wonderful, loving person.....can't keep a job, can't keep his room clean, but the most giving and caring of all 5 of my children.
Please don't feel badly about folks not answering w/ directions, and specifics...truthfully for those of us that have lived what your sister is just beginning, specifics are not applicable, it is individul, case by case for so many children, it would be a disservice. There are no nut shell answers.

You also might benefit from a support system, there may be a few in your area, or start one. You also are going to be grieving, your sister will always need to spend lots of time w/ her child, and you may feel like you don't have the relationship you might if things were different. There is some guilt when we feel that way, it is normal. But, we pick ourselves up and do the very best we can, in a loving caring way. Best to you.

ps...it has been my experience that most children w/ adhd have environmental, and/or food allergies. ex=My Son always acted up when beets were harvested in our area, he is allergic to both sugars, cane and beet.
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Old 02-14-2012, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Maryland
2,653 posts, read 4,101,101 times
Reputation: 2320
She finally told me about my neice today. I thought she was a bad azz kid. My heart sank for her troubles.

I will recommend the book and advice to her. Make sure she voice her concerns to the docs/therapist.

Today was the first time I heard her say..."draining". What do you guys do to relax. I know therapy or treatment will take awhile to relax the child, but what can my sis do to decompass. I suggested yoga. Some breathing exercises, when my neice is going thru her fits.

btw: my neice's hearing is poor in one ear.

I really appreciate all the help.
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:07 PM
 
2,779 posts, read 4,498,642 times
Reputation: 5024
Well, I have a child with the hyper-impulsive type of ADHD along with sensory issues. ODD is often a result of untreated ADHD according to our child psychiatrist. My son is also highly gifted.

I would recommend occupational therapy but in all seriousness medication has been the key for us. My son is only one week into treatment and its like I finally have my son, not this tazmanian devil that occupies his body a lot of the time. There are other treatments besides stimulants which do have some scary side effects, my son is on a medication that has almost no side effects at all. Most importantly I would encourage her to read the studies on the outcomes of kids who have been treated for ADHD and ODD versus the kids who haven't. Those studies were what really changed my husband and I's mind about medication.

I know that's not the answer you were looking for but having been in your sister's shoes, its all I have to offer.
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Maryland
2,653 posts, read 4,101,101 times
Reputation: 2320
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I have an adult son that was diagnosed w/ adhd @7 yrs, tourettes @10 yrs, ocd @12yrs, and oppositional defiant behavior @12 yrs. Your niece has lots of challenges ahead of her. The best thing I did for my child was trust in the professionals. I became a big part of the team, volunteering at school, participating in iep's, learning all I could about my sons disabilities.

Proactive self-education, is critical. Involvement in imperative.

Your sister/neice may qualify for respite care, a trained caregiver that comes into the home to give your sister a break as needed. I could say what worked for my child, but it may not work for yours.

I have shared what is beneficial regarding your sisters role, which is critical.

Consistant supportive loving parenting. There will be times when she wants to just walk out, it is so hard to parent a child at times, and so stressful.

The best thing you could do is be her support system. She needs lots of support. Part of having a child w/ special needs involves greiving for the loss of a "normal" child. Accepting what some see as limitations. Each child is precious, a gift, some children are more challenging than others. It is a fact of life, we have to accept it, and really it isn't about us it is about them. Doing our best at all times for them.

There are groups of other parents that she may want to join, and talk and share and get some relief knowing that she isn't going crazy when she is so tired she can't see straight.

It is our job, no matter how hard to keep going, we are their best advocate, no one knows all the nuances and quirks of our child like us.
Give your Sister and your niece lots of love. It is probably the hardest thing I did as a Mother of 5, many times my other children felt short changed, and I also felt that way because the child w/ special needs is like the squeeky wheel, who gets the oil. There is nothing else that you can do, but keep doing it.

There will be growth, it may take years, there will always be challenges, and even more when the child gets older and begins spending time w/ other teens etc. Prepare yourself for a lifelong commitment to accept "labels" special classes, rehabilitation experts, therapists, special ed, or seriously emotionally disturbed ed.
There are wonderful resources online do some research for your sister. There are so many, and there will be support groups online too. It will help. I would have loved having internet when my child was small, he is almost 30. A wonderful, loving person.....can't keep a job, can't keep his room clean, but the most giving and caring of all 5 of my children.
Please don't feel badly about folks not answering w/ directions, and specifics...truthfully for those of us that have lived what your sister is just beginning, specifics are not applicable, it is individul, case by case for so many children, it would be a disservice. There are no nut shell answers.

You also might benefit from a support system, there may be a few in your area, or start one. You also are going to be grieving, your sister will always need to spend lots of time w/ her child, and you may feel like you don't have the relationship you might if things were different. There is some guilt when we feel that way, it is normal. But, we pick ourselves up and do the very best we can, in a loving caring way. Best to you.

ps...it has been my experience that most children w/ adhd have environmental, and/or food allergies. ex=My Son always acted up when beets were harvested in our area, he is allergic to both sugars, cane and beet.
I suggested a support group of parents with the same kids. I told her don't feel embarrassed, because I joined a group, when I was married. It really helped to know I wasn't the only one felt like a failure. She said, she would research some. I'm helping her look.
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:23 PM
 
15,833 posts, read 18,460,249 times
Reputation: 25619
Quote:
Originally Posted by Childfree35 View Post
She finally told me about my neice today. I thought she was a bad azz kid. My heart sank for her troubles.

I will recommend the book and advice to her. Make sure she voice her concerns to the docs/therapist.

Today was the first time I heard her say..."draining". What do you guys do to relax. I know therapy or treatment will take awhile to relax the child, but what can my sis do to decompass. I suggested yoga. Some breathing exercises, when my neice is going thru her fits.

btw: my neice's hearing is poor in one ear.

I really appreciate all the help.
I am trying to understand, if this is the first time today that you have heard about the behaviors, is this a recent onset?? or do you live a distance away? I hope that your sister has had your niece see a neurologist medical examinations are important, you have to be sure there is not a medical reason for these behaviors.
Your, and relaxing would not be possible while you niece is having a tantrum. When your neice is in bed sleeping. Then your sister could do that. Can you afford, or can you help w/ the things like laundry, or housekeeping. That might be a great gift, cooking a meal a couple times a week, or doing laundry for your sister. Coming over to bath your niece, help read to her at bedtime. Anything would help. Energy is at a premium when you have small children, and more so in your sister's case.
But, to reiterate, medical exam....specialist very important.
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Old 02-14-2012, 06:27 PM
 
Location: here
24,472 posts, read 28,750,429 times
Reputation: 31051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Childfree35 View Post
She finally told me about my neice today. I thought she was a bad azz kid. My heart sank for her troubles.

I will recommend the book and advice to her. Make sure she voice her concerns to the docs/therapist.

Today was the first time I heard her say..."draining". What do you guys do to relax. I know therapy or treatment will take awhile to relax the child, but what can my sis do to decompass. I suggested yoga. Some breathing exercises, when my neice is going thru her fits.

btw: my neice's hearing is poor in one ear.

I really appreciate all the help.
I have been in therapy for about 2 years. I started before I knew what was "wrong" with my son. All I knew is that we didn't seem to get along, his behavior drove me nuts, and I just knew it wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Therapy has helped me figure out why I felt like I did/do, and also how to deal with him. Yoga is a good suggestion. Having DS in school all day also helps! Routine is also important. It helps when he knows what is coming next in our day. I wish your sister luck. I'm glad she is getting help from a team of professionals. She might try the babycenter.com community. There is a SPD forum there.
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Old 02-15-2012, 05:16 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,765,617 times
Reputation: 3110
Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post
Well, I have a child with the hyper-impulsive type of ADHD along with sensory issues. ODD is often a result of untreated ADHD according to our child psychiatrist. My son is also highly gifted.

I would recommend occupational therapy but in all seriousness medication has been the key for us. My son is only one week into treatment and its like I finally have my son, not this tazmanian devil that occupies his body a lot of the time. There are other treatments besides stimulants which do have some scary side effects, my son is on a medication that has almost no side effects at all. Most importantly I would encourage her to read the studies on the outcomes of kids who have been treated for ADHD and ODD versus the kids who haven't. Those studies were what really changed my husband and I's mind about medication.

I know that's not the answer you were looking for but having been in your sister's shoes, its all I have to offer.
This had been a really helpful thread and especially this post.

My daughter since her adoption around the age of 4 has always been a high maintenance child. For the first six months she was home, my husband and I would look at one another and wonder what we had gotten ourselves into. My son, also adopted, is totally opposite. Easy, easy, easy that thankfully no serious issues have cropped up yet. Both kids were probably alcohol exposed but we don't know for sure. My daughter has always been extremely difficult.

Since she turned 12, our life has really been hell, especially starting middle school. She has always had a tough time with school and especially behaviors. She had no friends because she would always do really silly, annoying things in class---constantly. She is middle of the road on grades---ranging from A's to C's and D's. She loses focus easily and seems to get bored easily. The grades I can live with. Her behavior has really gone downhill---from merely annoying to downright sneaky, getting destructive and seems to cause drama from the moment she gets out of bed. I'm writing this listening to her pound around upstairs getting ready for school. She has been assigned a mentor at school and seems to be in the school liasion's office on a weekly basis. She has her first detention for acting up in gym and tripping a girl.

The pediatrician suspects possible ADD with ODD as well. We have her in therapy (found through the school system---yeah for our school system here) which seems really good. The therapist has been really helpful (especially for me) giving me some ideas on coping with her. I'm in the process of getting asurvey forms to her school for an ADHD rating scale with a follow up to our pediatrician later this month. Although she isn't hyperactive, we suspect ADD. If you read all the symptoms of ADD, she fits almost everyone of them.

As much as I hate the idea of medicating a child, I'm all for it if it allows us to get a handle on things and turn some of this behavior around. If you don't mind, what drug did you have the best luck with? Feel free to PM too. Any resources or books that you've found helpful. We are trying to get our heads around this whole thing. It hasn't been easy. I need to look into occupational therapy as well--not really familiar with this.

Must run. We just had our first fight within the first 20 minutes of her being up. The calmer I am (urged my the therapist), the more she acts up. Very depressing and stressful.
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Old 02-15-2012, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Maryland
2,653 posts, read 4,101,101 times
Reputation: 2320
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I am trying to understand, if this is the first time today that you have heard about the behaviors, is this a recent onset?? or do you live a distance away? I hope that your sister has had your niece see a neurologist medical examinations are important, you have to be sure there is not a medical reason for these behaviors.
Your, and relaxing would not be possible while you niece is having a tantrum. When your neice is in bed sleeping. Then your sister could do that. Can you afford, or can you help w/ the things like laundry, or housekeeping. That might be a great gift, cooking a meal a couple times a week, or doing laundry for your sister. Coming over to bath your niece, help read to her at bedtime. Anything would help. Energy is at a premium when you have small children, and more so in your sister's case.
But, to reiterate, medical exam....specialist very important.
My neice has good and bad days. I've always thought it was a combo of being spoiled and her hearing disability. She would cry, if she didn't get whatever. My sis finally told me yesterday.

I have thought of outing for my sis, not necessarily my neice. My neice is only as good as her mom. She feels there is no one to help her cope. My BIL feels his daughter is misbehaving. She needs a spanking. He doesn't have any patience with my neice.
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