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Old 02-15-2012, 09:50 PM
 
9,018 posts, read 7,978,950 times
Reputation: 14414

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
It'll be horrible because her mother isn't a person you would want to leave a kid with. She has three kids, each with different fathers. She is lazy, doesn't work, has no moral values, doesn't strive for anything. I just don't want my daughter to get the idea in her head that it'll be a good thing to get with a guy, have a kid and then assume the state will pay her way. This alone, to me, is horrible.

My daughter is 7, soon to be 8 in April. I do have custody, sole custody. She lost custody of our daughter when her last husband abused my daughter and her mother let her do it. Which to say she let him do it, not because she wanted him to, but because she let him do it in fear.

I understand the bar-deal, too. It just doesn't seem fair. Now I have to plan to go out, but if it goes wrong I'll have to cancel the whole thing.

It's not the single life I want, I want to be with somebody. I don't want to wait for an unreliable source that, later on, won't keep their promise.

I had tasted the sweetness of a potential suitor, and instead of just a taste, I want the whole rack of ribs.
Oh, wow. You'd leave her with a woman who allowed her to be abused?? Did I read that correctly?
And you want to leave....all because you want to have a good time? Grow up. MAN UP.

Last edited by believe007; 02-15-2012 at 10:46 PM..

 
Old 02-16-2012, 06:22 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,485 posts, read 15,169,142 times
Reputation: 20973
Quote:
Originally Posted by believe007 View Post
Oh, wow. You'd leave her with a woman who allowed her to be abused?? Did I read that correctly?
And you want to leave....all because you want to have a good time? Grow up. MAN UP.
And I am going to second, third, and fourth this.

You would give your child back to a woman you believe to be an unfit parent? One who abused her?

Really?

I think she would be better off with at least ONE parent that loves and wants her. Is that you or not? I feel sorry for this child if indeed this is a true story.

Sheesh.
 
Old 02-16-2012, 06:30 AM
 
2,873 posts, read 6,276,460 times
Reputation: 5140
I think you need to just step back and quit thinking of every option as so black and white. You sound like a good dad who has done the right thing so far but is burned out and lonesome (common single parent emotions).

So try to think about this realistically for the long-haul. Having custody of your daughter does NOT mean that you can't date. Lots of single dads have an appropriate social life that doesn't require them to give up custody of their child. Also, this isn't the only job in the world. Perhaps it is a job with more opportunities than jobs you have had in the past, but it is possible to find a job that is more compatible with raising a child.

For seven years you have done the right thing. Don't stop now. When you look back at this decision years from now, you want it to be something that you and your daughter can take pride in.

Work at filling the voids in your life without creating a larger void. You are about to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.
 
Old 02-16-2012, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,316 posts, read 4,834,803 times
Reputation: 2986
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
So I've been working at this new job for about 3 weeks now. The opportunity didn't come to me right off, but it is there, hanging around until someone snags it. With this new job comes a choice.

The job I have gave me a choice of being on the move a lot. Going to different parts of the world to help sell my new job's product. At first I thought it was a better idea not to and to stay home and take care of my daughter. Now I'm thinking the opposite.

It came up until just recently. The whole thought of leaving my daughter to her mother was just horrible in my eyes. With a little custody battle incoming, which I'm sure to win, it was just a huge hassle and was just down right frustrating.

I'm thinking now it'll be better if my daughter goes back with her mother. She is in the process of getting married, soon and to which I'll have no one for a very long time. I'm 30 years old, soon to be 31. If I have to wait 'til my daughter turns 18, then what would be the point of dating anyways? I'll be over 40.

There are only a handful of reason not to take the option to travel. One, of course, being my daughter. The others are my family and friends all live here. Leaving to go on these trips would be a killer for me but later on down the road, I could be happier.

While being with someone is great and I'm exciting when ever that times comes. Everyone around me is either dating, getting married or is married. I also have some friends that are in the same situation but they get everything handed to them on a silver platter.

One friend in particular has a daughter of her own, she's 2. The father lives in Texas and is married, but doesn't pay any child support; he's a real dead-beat. I have wanted to date her but I had to move for this new job. Two weeks after I left, she announces on Facebook that she is in a relationship. Now I see her on Facebook every so often and she gets catered to. She just took a demotion, and now works part time and her boyfriend buys her everything.

I don't know if it's really about me being single for a really long period of time, or the just the gain from the job itself. I know this forum will go up in a uproar about this thread saying, "Think of the best interest of the child."
Your post is hard to follow. But you are planning on giving your daughter to a woman who is unfit to win custody because you're dissatisfied with your dating life? I don't know if there will be an uproar but, fortunately, most parents do think of the best interests of their child.
 
Old 02-16-2012, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,316 posts, read 4,834,803 times
Reputation: 2986
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
It'll be horrible because her mother isn't a person you would want to leave a kid with. She has three kids, each with different fathers. She is lazy, doesn't work, has no moral values, doesn't strive for anything. I just don't want my daughter to get the idea in her head that it'll be a good thing to get with a guy, have a kid and then assume the state will pay her way. This alone, to me, is horrible.
I'm sure I'm wasting my time. But abandoning your daughter will all but guarantee that she follows this path. You will be teaching her that men leave.

Since you're hot on the dating scene now try to steer clear of the lazy, unemployed women who don't strive for anything. Or at the very least use protection.
 
Old 02-16-2012, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 9,141,786 times
Reputation: 9523
When I kicked out my abusive 1st husband and retained full custody of my two sons, my ex told me, "No one will want you now - a mother with two kids!" He never paid a dime of child support - and he was the "victim". So I packed up my boys and moved to get a good job, and get away from him. I met a friend who also had kids - and we moved in together, and when one dated, the other kept the kids. We never brought our dates 'home'; we were not looking for a may-un to save us - we were perfectly capable of saving ourselves.

Then I caught up with my BF from high school. He had never married. We dated and had a lot of fun - and it wasn't until he asked to meet the kids that I allowed it. They hit it off - and we ended up getting married and he adopted my boys.

You will have to decide what is the best thing for the child. Is it to have a dad who cares, or a mother who doesn't? The children are what matter - not your angst over never finding someone. It seems to me right now that you are thinking of your daughter as an impediment to a rich and fulfilling life - instead of being the result of choices you made. Her life is your responsibility, and her future is in your hands. Thinking that you are 'missing out' instead of accepting and even enjoying and planning for the responsibility YOU chose the day you slept with her mom, is selfish. No one is going to save you - make up your mind that you are your own and your daughter's savior, and make it so.

Or give her back to her mom, and be irresponsible and live your life for yourself. But don't complain when she turns up a pregnant teen or gets raped by your ex's next husband - YOU put her there, and you will have only yourself to blame.
 
Old 02-16-2012, 08:07 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,879 posts, read 4,407,950 times
Reputation: 4181
Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
When I kicked out my abusive 1st husband and retained full custody of my two sons, my ex told me, "No one will want you now - a mother with two kids!" He never paid a dime of child support - and he was the "victim". So I packed up my boys and moved to get a good job, and get away from him. I met a friend who also had kids - and we moved in together, and when one dated, the other kept the kids. We never brought our dates 'home'; we were not looking for a may-un to save us - we were perfectly capable of saving ourselves.

Then I caught up with my BF from high school. He had never married. We dated and had a lot of fun - and it wasn't until he asked to meet the kids that I allowed it. They hit it off - and we ended up getting married and he adopted my boys.

You will have to decide what is the best thing for the child. Is it to have a dad who cares, or a mother who doesn't? The children are what matter - not your angst over never finding someone. It seems to me right now that you are thinking of your daughter as an impediment to a rich and fulfilling life - instead of being the result of choices you made. Her life is your responsibility, and her future is in your hands. Thinking that you are 'missing out' instead of accepting and even enjoying and planning for the responsibility YOU chose the day you slept with her mom, is selfish. No one is going to save you - make up your mind that you are your own and your daughter's savior, and make it so.

Or give her back to her mom, and be irresponsible and live your life for yourself. But don't complain when she turns up a pregnant teen or gets raped by your ex's next husband - YOU put her there, and you will have only yourself to blame.
As always, SCGranny is the voice of reason...along with others on this forum. I've been a single parent, and my children came first while I was raising them.

From the description you gave of her mother, I would NEVER relinquish custody of my child to a person of that ilk. There has to be a happy middle here...your daughter will be a child for only so long, and you need to make her a priority. If you don't, you will look back some day with LOTS of guilt and regret.

I'm hoping there is another alternative to a job that requires a lot of traveling. And you can have a dating social life...just do NOT keep bringing different women around your daughter unless you're in a very serious relationship. (This is not fair to your daughter.) Having family and friends in the area can be a huge help to you with regard to your daughter, but do NOT follow on the heels of your friend who leaves her child with the grandparents and/or daycare and goes out clubbing every night. That is NOT being a good parent!

Being a good parent is a BIG responsibility, but is SO worth it. Good luck...I hope you can figure it out!
 
Old 02-16-2012, 08:15 AM
 
428 posts, read 382,195 times
Reputation: 540
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitopcat View Post
It'll be horrible because her mother isn't a person you would want to leave a kid with. She has three kids, each with different fathers. She is lazy, doesn't work, has no moral values, doesn't strive for anything. I just don't want my daughter to get the idea in her head that it'll be a good thing to get with a guy, have a kid and then assume the state will pay her way. This alone, to me, is horrible.

My daughter is 7, soon to be 8 in April. I do have custody, sole custody. She lost custody of our daughter when her last husband abused my daughter and her mother let her do it. Which to say she let him do it, not because she wanted him to, but because she let him do it in fear.
That right there is all I need to know. You can't be serious about letting that woman have custody of your daughter again. Seeing how your ex-wife has proven she makes bad relationship choices, I wouldn't be surprised if her seemingly perfect new husband ends up making advances on your daughter. Is your desire for more freedom to pursue romance really worth the risk of her getting raped by her step-father or whoever the hell your ex is going to allow in that house?

Put your energy into helping your daughter become a well-adjusted adult. Her appreciation for your sacrifices will be worth much more than any romance. She is your flesh and blood and she needs you to be her guidance, especially when she has such a flake of a mother.
 
Old 02-16-2012, 08:41 AM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,660,599 times
Reputation: 5537
I think you are being a bit selfish with even considering just leaving your daughter. If you have full custody there is a reason for that. And if she married someone who is abusive and abused your daughter then you should not let her be the one to raise her. You are a parent, so you need to stop putting the worry of when you date first, and consider your little girl first. Plus you are not decrepit, people do date past the age of 40 you know. And really what's stopping you from dating now?
 
Old 02-16-2012, 09:02 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,443,527 times
Reputation: 32248
What would any single parent do?

I don't know. How about grow the heck up?

You have a daughter. You were man enough to get into bed and make a baby, how about manning up and putting that child ahead of your own desire to go out and have a good time?

You've not written one word about what's best for this little girl. Everything has been, "me", "I", "what I want". News flash: Those things come second now and your daughter comes first.

Notice you also didn't write one word about finding a wonderful woman to be a good mother to your daughter? It's all what you want for you. Sorry. That's not how grown-*** men think. You don't need a date. You need to sit and think about what you need to do to become the grown-up father your daughter deserves.
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