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I agree, make sure she is healthy so she can think straight and then get therapy, you both could use a neutral party.
Agree with both you and LK. Most marital therapists will evaluate each partner separately and if one party has issues that would benefit from individual therapy (that would also get in the way of doing marital work), the individual therapy will be recommended either before marital counseling or concurrent with it. IMO, it is very understandable that PF's wife is having some difficulty thinking clearly with the recent loss.
Agree with both you and LK. Most marital therapists will evaluate each partner separately and if one party has issues that would benefit from individual therapy (that would also get in the way of doing marital work), the individual therapy will be recommended either before marital counseling or concurrent with it. IMO, it is very understandable that PF's wife is having some difficulty thinking clearly with the recent loss.
Marital therapy cannot be successful until an individual's own emotional issues have been dealt with.
This wife/mother needs some intervention before she ruins her life and family, then they can work on the marriage - which I sure hope they do.
Marital therapy cannot be successful until an individual's own emotional issues have been dealt with.
This wife/mother needs some intervention before she ruins her life and family, then they can work on the marriage - which I sure hope they do.
I don't disagree with you. However,that feedback will probably go over better coming from the therapist than the husband. And sometimes individual and marital work can go on concurrently, depending on the specifics of the case. It happened periodically at my last practice.
I don't disagree with you. However,that feedback will probably go over better coming from the therapist than the husband. And sometimes individual and marital work can go on concurrently, depending on the specifics of the case. It happened periodically at my last practice.
Agreed Husband should definitely let a therapist tell his wife he/she needs to work with her alone "first" This news would not be well received coming from the husband alone, lol.
Agreed Husband should definitely let a therapist tell his wife he/she needs to work with her alone "first" This news would not be well received coming from the husband alone, lol.
I appreciate your comments. There certainly is an element of freaking out on my part because although we've had ups and downs, it's never ever been like this. So off color it's WHITE.
There is an underlying issue that is revealing itself in that she simply wants to matter more and I totally support that and until now has never been brought to my attention. She matters very much, but I think even after 8 years, 4 kids, and being a home MAKER she's feeling like she only has a small area to move in. This was all a shock to me and honestly I think some of it is exaggerated because of the other issues bothering her, but I'm trying to see through the fog and acknowledge that I don't want her to feel that way and that's something we can definitely work on.
So although there are things we can definitely improve and work on, at this point she still holds on strongly (understandably - to a certain point) the overwhelming desire to have another child. SO much so that in the end she still feels like if that can't happen that she thinks the only thing she can do is end the marriage. That is going to be the elephant in the room at counseling. She feels any decision that ISN'T having another child is MY decision and she will just be going along with what I want, yet again (in her words). So it seems like a lose lose when you put it that way. Right?
There is an underlying issue that is revealing itself in that she simply wants to matter more and I totally support that and until now has never been brought to my attention.
Meditate on this.
I'm going to help you out:
Why does she need to "matter more"? (Her answer to the question, not your's.)
And why did she need to bring it to your attention?
Don't come back with a response right away because those won't be answers you need to find. You REALLY need to think about this.
I guess I've been over opinionated on things, mostly what we spend money on (according to her examples). I guess I'm shooting her requests down without any consideration, too often, or not in the right manner. Ok, that's valid. Not all the time, that's the part that I'm kind of shocked about, because I don't think it's THAT bad, but to her it seems to be..sooo.
She kept the level of how much this bothers her bottled up. Or this is just a symptom of whatever else is going on inside of her right now. Very unstable ground and unclear statements and actions going on right now.
Last edited by PaulFrank; 02-24-2012 at 02:43 PM..
I guess I've been over opinionated on things, mostly what we spend money on (according to her examples). I guess I'm shooting her requests down without any consideration, too often, or not in the right manner. Ok, that's valid. Not all the time, that's the part that I'm kind of shocked about, because I don't think it's THAT bad, but to her it seems to be..sooo.
She kept the level of how much this bothers her bottled up. Or this is just a symptom of whatever else is going on inside of her right now. Very unstable ground and unclear statements and actions going on right now.
You didn't meditate very long.
Can you see me shaking my finger at you through the ether?
You're too hung up on how "unstable" she is. Think about the reason she's "unstable". Which I don't think she is. I think she's just had it up to here with a whole bunch of things. Including having no power in your marriage. And maybe you.
Where's her power? As a mother.
So what does she want to do again?
Be a mother.
Now go take one of those three mile walks and THINK. Not about you. About HER.
BTW: I vote for counseling as well. But not one you pick. Let her decide who you go see. Let that be her choice. Ask her if she'll go if she feels SHE'LL be listened to.
One more thing: You even controlled the decision on baptism? And she's a Catholic? Do you know how important Baptism is to a Catholic? If she's a Catholic you vetoed her wants for her children's SOULS.
Now go think again.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 02-24-2012 at 02:53 PM..
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Husband should definitely let a therapist tell his wife he/she needs to work with her alone "first" 
