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Old 03-03-2012, 08:31 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,078,658 times
Reputation: 32726

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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It seems it's ALWAYS everyone else's concern how many kids other people want to have.

Not so long ago if a woman DIDN'T want a bunch of kids, people would say there was something wrong with her, and if a woman said she never wanted any kids and wanted to dedicate herself to a career, everyone would have been calling a shrink.

It's changed around, now the woman who wants kids is seen as the looney-tunes and in need of drugs to get her to conform better.

People who don't even know this woman have diagnosed her as mentally ill. Many are women who do the typical thing many women do in listening to a man complain about his wife.

If this marriage is going to be saved, Paul Frank has to discuss this with his wife and listen to her side of it and care something about what she thinks, not what we think. If he won't do that, no wonder she's ready to walk out. And maybe if he will discuss and listen to her then she might just listen to his side and they can work something out.
So you don't think is it relevant that she almost aborted the last pregnancy, but only a few months later she suddenly wants another child?
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Old 03-03-2012, 01:35 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,526,661 times
Reputation: 22472
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
So you don't think is it relevant that she almost aborted the last pregnancy, but only a few months later she suddenly wants another child?
It may be relevant. She may feel terrible guilt for wanting a child gone and then it died or it seems more likely she was only going along with having an abortion in an attempt to save her marriage but after the baby died, she's had a change of heart and isn't going to be pressured into such a position again.

I'm sure many women suffer quite deeply after the miscarriage of a baby.

Bashing her certainly isn't going to save that marriage if it can be saved and if this husband now goes to her and tells her that a bunch of strangers on an internet forum agree with him that she's mentally ill and shouldn't have a baby, it's not going to save the marriage.

If he wants to save the marriage, he needs to sit down and listen to her, and try to hash this all out. You don't simply tell a woman that wanting a, baby means she's out of her mind. And she can want a baby and after they discuss some things together like finances that she could decide it's not the right time. I think he should not reject the baby right off, but go over some plans with his wife, like what they will have to cut back on in order to afford the baby without maternity care insurance, or see if she would delay the decision to have one until he puts that back in their insurance plan.

Don't simply invalidate her.

Again, I think there are issues in this marriage that go behind the baby.
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Old 03-03-2012, 01:45 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,078,658 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It may be relevant. She may feel terrible guilt for wanting a child gone and then it died or it seems more likely she was only going along with having an abortion in an attempt to save her marriage but after the baby died, she's had a change of heart and isn't going to be pressured into such a position again.

I'm sure many women suffer quite deeply after the miscarriage of a baby.

Bashing her certainly isn't going to save that marriage if it can be saved and if this husband now goes to her and tells her that a bunch of strangers on an internet forum agree with him that she's mentally ill and shouldn't have a baby, it's not going to save the marriage.

If he wants to save the marriage, he needs to sit down and listen to her, and try to hash this all out. You don't simply tell a woman that wanting a, baby means she's out of her mind. And she can want a baby and after they discuss some things together like finances that she could decide it's not the right time. I think he should not reject the baby right off, but go over some plans with his wife, like what they will have to cut back on in order to afford the baby without maternity care insurance, or see if she would delay the decision to have one until he puts that back in their insurance plan.

Don't simply invalidate her.

Again, I think there are issues in this marriage that go behind the baby.
what? I didn't read anything that sounded like it was his idea and not hers. you are making that assumption.

the people here, IMO, for the most part have been there, done that. I've had 2 babies; I've had postpartum depression; my moods and emotions are very dependent on my hormones. I've learned this about myself, and am trying to help a woman in a situation to which I can relate.

We aren't labeling her "mentally ill" to be mean. We're trying to get her the help she needs.
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Old 03-03-2012, 02:59 PM
 
499 posts, read 579,503 times
Reputation: 349
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It may be relevant. She may feel terrible guilt for wanting a child gone and then it died or it seems more likely she was only going along with having an abortion in an attempt to save her marriage but after the baby died, she's had a change of heart and isn't going to be pressured into such a position again.

I'm sure many women suffer quite deeply after the miscarriage of a baby.

Bashing her certainly isn't going to save that marriage if it can be saved and if this husband now goes to her and tells her that a bunch of strangers on an internet forum agree with him that she's mentally ill and shouldn't have a baby, it's not going to save the marriage.

If he wants to save the marriage, he needs to sit down and listen to her, and try to hash this all out. You don't simply tell a woman that wanting a, baby means she's out of her mind. And she can want a baby and after they discuss some things together like finances that she could decide it's not the right time. I think he should not reject the baby right off, but go over some plans with his wife, like what they will have to cut back on in order to afford the baby without maternity care insurance, or see if she would delay the decision to have one until he puts that back in their insurance plan.

Don't simply invalidate her.

Again, I think there are issues in this marriage that go behind the baby.
I just hope that the wife involved in all of this doesn't read the posts
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Old 03-03-2012, 05:57 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,443,246 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It may be relevant. She may feel terrible guilt for wanting a child gone and then it died or it seems more likely she was only going along with having an abortion in an attempt to save her marriage but after the baby died, she's had a change of heart and isn't going to be pressured into such a position again.

I'm sure many women suffer quite deeply after the miscarriage of a baby.

Bashing her certainly isn't going to save that marriage if it can be saved and if this husband now goes to her and tells her that a bunch of strangers on an internet forum agree with him that she's mentally ill and shouldn't have a baby, it's not going to save the marriage.

If he wants to save the marriage, he needs to sit down and listen to her, and try to hash this all out. You don't simply tell a woman that wanting a, baby means she's out of her mind. And she can want a baby and after they discuss some things together like finances that she could decide it's not the right time. I think he should not reject the baby right off, but go over some plans with his wife, like what they will have to cut back on in order to afford the baby without maternity care insurance, or see if she would delay the decision to have one until he puts that back in their insurance plan.

Don't simply invalidate her.

Again, I think there are issues in this marriage that go behind the baby.
Whether she's out of her mind or not is irrelevent. You DO NOT bring a baby into a marriage because one partner is threatening to leave if you don't have one. The marriage is unstable. Common sense says you do not bring a baby into an unstable marriage. Whether she likes it or not, a baby is not even a consideration at the moment and won't be for a couple of years and that's only if the marriage can be saved.

I'm sure there are issues that go beyond the baby. Three unplanned pregnancies speaks volumes. What's her excuse for those?

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-03-2012 at 06:07 PM..
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:46 PM
 
20 posts, read 32,927 times
Reputation: 13
Sorry to hear about your marital and family problems. Seems like your wife may be suffering emotionally from loss of baby or she may be using that as an excuse so that you can give in to her demands. I think that you should stand your ground if you don't wish to have any more children. Also, I think that you and your wife are in need of counseling, alone and together sooner rather than later. You hear so many tragic stories of moms who can't handle all the pressures that come along with motherhood and they end up doing terrible things to their children. You don't want this to happen to you. I also think that she needs to understand that having another child will not fix your marital problems they will only esculate. And someone needs to reason with her about the insurance aspect. Also, doesn't she know how tough it is right now raising a family. Quit the baby making while your ahead. Also, your wife is not the only one to blame for having all these babies, it takes two to tangle. In the meantime, you need to work on getting a vasectomy or take preventive measures from allowing this to happen again. You seem to always be caught off guard when you find out that your wife's expecting. You two need to be responsible adults. Don't bring another child into this world unless you are prepared to give them the life they deserve. ijs
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Old 03-13-2013, 06:45 PM
 
3,633 posts, read 6,150,729 times
Reputation: 11376
Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulFrank View Post
I don't want another child, BUT I DO want my wife and family. She wants another child and if she can't convince me, then she DOESN'T want me or our family as it is today.
That's completely irrational. Why would someone throw away 5 family members because her spouse doesn't want a 6th? It's an ultimatum, and a harsh one, at that.

I feel for her distress, but she needs some counseling.
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Old 03-15-2013, 03:30 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,697,756 times
Reputation: 19539
New posters.....this poster hasn't posted since Feb of 2012, which is when this stuff was going on. Just thought you'd be interested.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:02 AM
 
1,834 posts, read 2,686,153 times
Reputation: 2675
You should have had a vasectomy after the first two. Unless you can provide each child his/her own bedroom and you can speed the $250,000 for each child the government says is standard. Only a very few marriages can really afford a large family these days. You can look at national statistics. When you start straying from the statistics ask yourself why and is it really a smart move.
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Old 03-18-2013, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be.
1,189 posts, read 1,753,961 times
Reputation: 2034
Quote:
Originally Posted by mortpes View Post
You should have had a vasectomy after the first two. Unless you can provide each child his/her own bedroom and you can speed the $250,000 for each child the government says is standard. Only a very few marriages can really afford a large family these days. You can look at national statistics. When you start straying from the statistics ask yourself why and is it really a smart move.
I'm sorry, but why does each child need his or her own bedroom? If that was the case when I was growing up, we would have needed a 9 bedroom house. Our house had five bedrooms. One for my parents, I shared a room with two of my sisters, my other two sisters shared a room and my three brothers shared a room, my aunt lived with us and was in one of the other rooms until she passed away when I was 8. I got my own room when I was ten after two of my sisters married and one moved out. What I don't get is when people have enough bedrooms so their kids can have their own space, and they don't give it to them because they want a guest room for that overnight person they have three times a year, or they want an exercise space, or an office even if they don't really need an entire room, then I think its wrong and think that is being selfish. Most people I know now have kids sharing rooms.
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