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Old 03-03-2012, 02:21 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 35,516,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
I don't see how most of this was relevant to what I said...so I am going to edit and reply to what IS relevant...

There we go...

Many kids do attend church but when your 15/16 year old starts to not believe or changes religions or becomes atheist then church should not be forced upon them. Once they are old enough to stay home alone for an hour or so then the choice should be theirs. Respect is a two way street, just because a teen is a teen doesn't mean they don't have a right to religion and should be forced to attend church when they don't believe.

And quit comparing church to school. School is an education to succeed in life and get a job, religion is not required to get ahead in life, its a personal belief.

2=2=4 Math has backing.
The digestive system has scientific proof. Science has backing.
Religion has no solid proof.

You go into school and its easier to learn things that you know are true for a fact, you go into church to learn about a particular religion and it takes a lot more personal acceptance to go in a learn all that than it does school work.

Not wanting to fold some clothes is a lot different than not wanting to go to church.
Obviously to a non-believer church is a waste of time, but going to church does not make a child hate the parents, or hate religion.

You aren't an example of someone who respected or liked your mother so why would your advice on child raising be better than someone who liked his or her parents or who have kids who aren't disrespectful of them?

You are free to raise children who disrespect you and curse you out, not all of us want that in our households. No -- my kids do not cuss me out, there is no verbal abuse tolerated, and they go to church. Big deal, church is only one hour a week.

 
Old 03-03-2012, 02:33 PM
 
21,969 posts, read 12,770,324 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
You've never seen someone dressed like that and thought to your self "that's pretty frikkin nasty"?
Nope. I already told you I don't judge people's looks and clothing. I'm not sure why that's so difficult for you to understand.

I also don't use the word "frikkin".
 
Old 03-03-2012, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,515 posts, read 3,269,824 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
Obviously to a non-believer church is a waste of time, but going to church does not make a child hate the parents, or hate religion.

You aren't an example of someone who respected or liked your mother so why would your advice on child raising be better than someone who liked his or her parents or who have kids who aren't disrespectful of them?

You are free to raise children who disrespect you and curse you out, not all of us want that in our households. No -- my kids do not cuss me out, there is no verbal abuse tolerated, and they go to church. Big deal, church is only one hour a week.
I don't think it is a waste of time, nor do I think church itself makes kids hate their parents or religion.

I think parents who shove religion down their kids throats and force them to go to church even if they don't believe or don't want to is what makes SOME kids either have adversions to church or stop believing all together.

And my advice has nothing to do with my mom.
My advice has solely to do with my view on forcing religion on others.

Quit mentioning my ****, julia won't warn you, she'll just ban me, so knock it off.
 
Old 03-03-2012, 02:56 PM
 
5,533 posts, read 2,747,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
It sounds like you are comparing her to people in your life that you find things in them that YOU like.

You like that your son was in youth group because its also something that YOU liked.
Your daughter doesn't like youth group so it causes a rift between you and her.

It sounds like because she is starting to get a lot different than you and isn't liking the same things anymore that you're starting to feel hurt because you WANT your daughter to be like you.

I understand this completely, I've been going through this with my mom since I was 11 years old.

She holds our differences against me, "Why can't you like this?" "Why can't you dress like this?" etc etc.

I understand how hard it must be for my mom to see that I am not the way she pictured, I like things and act differently than she does but like your daughter, I have to be true to myself and be me, like the things I like.

This whole thing between you and your daughter is similiar to what I have been going through.



School /= church.
School is one thing, you can go to school in ripped jeans, sweats, whatever pretty much but church you have to get all dressed up, sit through listening to things you probably don't believe in.

1 hour is a lot if it's not something you believe in or want to hear.
1 hour in church for me and I would be a very miserable person.




You're one of those band aid parents.
You baid aid the issue by simple punishing the behavior by taking eveything away THINKING it solves the problems.

You won't get to the ROOT of the issue because you don't believe in their being a root of the issues, its just all bad behavior to you that needs to be punished with taking something away.

ALL that does is CONFIRM to your teen that you ACTUALLY don't get what they are feeling or WHY they are acting out.

Have fun in baid aid parenting.



Yes but again you cannot compare school to church...
When I was in college I was taking classes I WANTED to take, yes sometimes sitting there for a few hours was very boring but it was stuff I WANTED to go learn.

Church is not something EVERYONE wants to go learn at. I would not want to sit through church, it's not something I want to hear or believe in, I wouldn't want to go and be forced to listen to the stuff they say when it interfered with what I believed.



I disagree, A LOT of CHILDREN know right from wrong, so do pretty much all teenagers, unless they are budding sociopaths with a tendency to kill things.

Morally what is right to one person doesn't have to be morally right to another but teens still know right from wrong, even if they don't have the same morals as someone super moral.



1. You SHOULD ignore it. Remember when they were little, you IGNORE the behavior, I am pretty sure if you ignored it, she'd stop doing it so much, she gets a rise out of you and does it because of that rise.

2. No! You don't want to do that, you don't want to take away something like that. That's GOOD for her. I don't believe in taking children/teens out of stuff like work/sports for bad behavior. It's not rewarding them for bad behavior, they have COMMITMENT to those things, they have to keep that commitment. You're not teaching them anything good by pulling them out of it. When kids are acting up they NEED those sports or that job or put in MORE things. When you take kids who are acting up out of GOOD POSITIVE things like sports teams, you give them a lot of free time, to go find other probably less positive things to get into.




Again, you're giving her something YOU want, not what she wants.
I know that makes HER sound selfish but you can't expect her to WANT the same things you do for her party.
Its frustrating to have someone going here lets do this, I have this all planned out, this is going to be this way, that is going to be that way....when what you want is completely different, you're grateful that someone wants to do something for you but at the same time you just want them to see that they need to stop centering it on what THEY want.
When you do something for someone else, it shouldn't be centered around what YOU want, it should be what THEY want.

I recently planned a birthday party for TG, if I had planned it the way I wanted, we would have been downtown Denver, looking hot and ready to have a endless night but I knew his family is very important to him so I got with them and planned a huge suprise dinner for him because I knew it was some HE wanted.

Things like that you need to focus on what THAT person wants, to a degree, if its out of budget and unreasonable then of course you can't but if its just something different that you wouldn't have picked, you still go along with it.

Right now she wants attention, you're giving her attention but in all the wrong ways. Spend some time with her but ask her what SHE wants to go do, instead of forcing her to go do things YOU like.



Quit band aid parenting.
Get to the bottom of what's going first, HELP your daughter, find out what SHE is going through. You focusing on HELPING your daughter and finding out what's going on with her and how she's feeling you're never going to get a serene home, you're just going to have a resentful daughter who doesn't think you truly care about what's going on and all she'll see is that YOU want her to change and then she'll grow up with a complex about not being good enough.



I understand not liking the swearing but quit REACTING when she does it and she'll quit.

And yes you pay the bills and yes you can put your foot down.....but not down her throat, stomping the religion snugly in there.
If at this point in her life she doesn't want to attend church, don't make her, like someone else said you'll make her hate church and if she believes now she'll stop believing.

And again you're comparing, she isn't chealsea clinton, she is (insert name here), she is HERSELF. I guess you think putting her in everything she does will make her like one of these successful people and that KEEPING her in religion will make her this wonderful person and if she deviates from any of this she won't be a good person.

News flash, not all non-religious people are heathens from hell. I am not religious, I don't believe in god but I am also not a bad person and I am saying this because I sort of take offense to your statements because it feels like you think non-church goers won't turn out to be great people.

I've volunteered, I am smart, I am a nice person, I don't harm others, I have goals in life.

Even if your daughter swears and doesn't like church, she's still a good person, even if you think you've lost "HER" because of the changes.

And at 15 turning 16, yes I would let her choose a religion.
When I have kids, once they get of a certain age, if they want to attend with their friends families to try out different things, they can go right ahead but my kids will know it is up to THEM what they believe in and I will accept everything but that fundiecrap but I also won't be attending anything because it goes against what *I* believe in but they are ALWAYS free to believe what they want, as long as they don't show up at my house looking like a duggar/amish/fundie anything.

She's obviously old enough to have her OWN feelings about church, she's old enough to stay home alone legally, I would say its about time it was HER decision.

And making church mandatory in a household where not all people like church IS oppresive.




I speak from personal experience here when I say this.
No amount of making her sit through church and continue going is going to make the outcome of her beliefs and attendance sway in your favor, in fact it might just push her away from you and church.

I knew at age 10ish, that I didn't believe in god, I started questioning things, started seeing things that didn't add up to me, I hated going to church, even at 10, I absolutely hated it, frilly uncomforatable dresses I was forced to wear, listening to things that I didn't believe in, luckily my mom saw this and she didn't press the issue with me, I was free to believe what I wanted. She tried again with youth groups as a tween but I still didn't like them then and I tried youth group as well when I was about 16 or 17 and I still didn't like it. Church and religion is not for everyone.

I am not attacking you, I am trying my best to help you.
You have to see religion is a delicate subject and you cannot force another person when it comes to religion, sure you can MAKE her go but that WILL backfire on you.
You are a smart girl!
You will make a great mom one day!
Couldn't rep you again so I thought I'd add a note instead.

A lot of teens I talk to are very bright, know a lot more about the world and have very open views. They are exposed to so much more than my generation. I think the op's daughter is smart (she is an honor student), I think she is a team player and dedicated (cheerleader, making practice, working out, commitment, even if her mom shoved her into it she is still the one doing it),
I think she is a normal teen, into trends, trendy speak, fads, and trying to fit into the teenage crowd at school to survive without getting ousted.(this explains her lingo, speech, clothing trends and attitude, when with monkey's act like monkey's kind of thing which all teens do)
And finally yes, 16 and 17 is the age where kids separate from parents about views on politics, religion and morals. They become themselves, make some mistakes along the way to get there. She sounds almost tooo normal.
I see this molehill growing to a mountain in the eyes of the op. Nothing else, nothing more. She is creating a scene because she is disappointed. That is all.
I'm almost starting to think this is a troll. I mean, she has received good, healthy advice and she keeps going on with trollish threads and bashing her kid. Seems off.
 
Old 03-03-2012, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,515 posts, read 3,269,824 times
Reputation: 2446
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
You are a smart girl!
You will make a great mom one day!
Couldn't rep you again so I thought I'd add a note instead.

A lot of teens I talk to are very bright, know a lot more about the world and have very open views. They are exposed to so much more than my generation. I think the op's daughter is smart (she is an honor student), I think she is a team player and dedicated (cheerleader, making practice, working out, commitment, even if her mom shoved her into it she is still the one doing it),
I think she is a normal teen, into trends, trendy speak, fads, and trying to fit into the teenage crowd at school to survive without getting ousted.(this explains her lingo, speech, clothing trends and attitude, when with monkey's act like monkey's kind of thing which all teens do)
And finally yes, 16 and 17 is the age where kids separate from parents about views on politics, religion and morals. They become themselves, make some mistakes along the way to get there. She sounds almost tooo normal.
I see this molehill growing to a mountain in the eyes of the op. Nothing else, nothing more. She is creating a scene because she is disappointed. That is all.
I'm almost starting to think this is a troll. I mean, she has received good, healthy advice and she keeps going on with trollish threads and bashing her kid. Seems off.

Eh who knows....
I'm pretty damn dumb when it comes to listening to people yet, who ever stopped off at BBB with that gift awhile back knows I am legit.
 
Old 03-03-2012, 04:05 PM
 
21,969 posts, read 12,770,324 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
I think she is a normal teen, into trends, trendy speak,
What is "trendy speak"? Dropping the "F bomb" left and right?
 
Old 03-03-2012, 04:33 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,515 posts, read 3,269,824 times
Reputation: 2446
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
What is "trendy speak"? Dropping the "F bomb" left and right?
Swearing is one of those things you don't fight, just lean into the ball, don't try to bat.

The goal of telling her to not swear is to get her to not swear, not use such foul language...

Well sure the op can say to her daughter "if you swear in front of me, I'll do X and take away Y" ok so the daughter stops swearing in front of her mom and family but that doesn't stop the behavior when she is with her friends and at school. Therefore the behavior has not been corrected, just modified.

I assume the OP wants to stop the swearing all together, which isn't going to happen.

Which is why I said don't react to it, ignore it, once the op stops REACTING when she says it, then the thrill of screaming "eff you" or "eff off" will fade.
 
Old 03-03-2012, 04:57 PM
 
21,969 posts, read 12,770,324 times
Reputation: 23553
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
Which is why I said don't react to it, ignore it, once the op stops REACTING when she says it, then the thrill of screaming "eff you" or "eff off" will fade.
I told the OP her daughter was just pulling her chain. Why give me the lecture? I asked PoppySead a question.
 
Old 03-03-2012, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,515 posts, read 3,269,824 times
Reputation: 2446
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
I told the OP her daughter was just pulling her chain. Why give me the lecture?
You felt like I was lecturing you??
CAN I DO IT AGAIN?!?!

Juuuuust kiddding... <3
 
Old 03-03-2012, 05:00 PM
 
Location: zone 5
6,329 posts, read 5,422,285 times
Reputation: 7876
You mentioned the Bush girls earlier. Yes they've grown up into responsible young women, but if you remember when he was in the White House, they were known for being wild and getting into trouble.
A 15 year old girl can be one of the most unpleasant things on the face of the earth. If I woke up tomorrow and my 21 year old daughter was 15 again, I'd break down and cry. If my 15-year-old self showed up on the doorstep, I'd want to slam the door in her face. You have the right to set your rules, and not accept things that many others do. Just don't expect to be able to change her attitude. It's a crazy, hormonal, confused, self-centered time of life, and nothing you do will change that. Just do whatever you can to de-stress, and try not to take her attitude personally (hard, I know). As the parent of a 15 year old girl you need to develop a very thick skin. Like others said, it will pass. I promise.
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