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Old 03-08-2012, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,179,490 times
Reputation: 19148
Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
The OP came to this board because she loves her daughter and wanted back up, and suggestions on what to do. Even if she already had her mind made up, she put the problem out there to discuss. I think she is just like all of us, who love their children, want the best for them, and want them to become the best they can be. No one can know how fiercely you can love a child, unless you have a child, and yes, how much stress that love can put on you.
I absolutely agree. Also, just because someone chooses to attend church, and to make it a mandatory family affair, it doesn't mean that they're controlling parents. One of the things that really bothers me about some of the responses, is the need to jump, stamp their feet and proclaim that THEIR way is the only right way. What's even more irritating to me are the folks who have YOUNG children, yet think they have all of the answers on how to parent a teen.

I've got news for those posters...MOST of us who have survived (even if barely) our children's teens?....We knew exactly what to do, what not to do, etc., when our children were little. NEWSFLASH!!!! It can all go out the window, practically overnight! All of a sudden, you can feel the rug yanked out from under your feet and you're left feeling like the stupidest parent in the world. You then realize that you have NO answers!

 
Old 03-08-2012, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Portland, Oregon
542 posts, read 581,825 times
Reputation: 436
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
I would try this. Take all your monthly bills and take out your check book and have her write out the checks. It doesn't matter if the checks are really used to pay the bills it's just an eye opener for her. Then ask her if she would appreciate her daughter acting as she does knowing what's involved to keep a household running.

At the very least she can see how her choice of man later in life can have a material effect on what type of lifestyle she can live. I think in the teen years teenagers should start to get to know what real life is like.

Disclaimer: I have no kids but helped raise a few.. That's probably why I never had any..
Good exercise! Another one could be to bring home all the money the family makes in a month. Physically put it in a big pile, then divide it up to pay the bills and show how much (or how little) is left over. Having her write the checks would icing on the cake.

I guess you could use Monopoly money as well.. but the real thing could be interesting for everyone to see "where the money goes"....
 
Old 03-08-2012, 12:56 PM
 
5,325 posts, read 2,552,722 times
Reputation: 3945
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
I absolutely agree. Also, just because someone chooses to attend church, and to make it a mandatory family affair, it doesn't mean that they're controlling parents. One of the things that really bothers me about some of the responses, is the need to jump, stamp their feet and proclaim that THEIR way is the only right way. What's even more irritating to me are the folks who have YOUNG children, yet think they have all of the answers on how to parent a teen.

I've got news for those posters...MOST of us who have survived (even if barely) our children's teens?....We knew exactly what to do, what not to do, etc., when our children were little. NEWSFLASH!!!! It can all go out the window, practically overnight! All of a sudden, you can feel the rug yanked out from under your feet and you're left feeling like the stupidest parent in the world. You then realize that you have NO answers!
Isn't that the truth. I'll tell you, one thing that has helped me with that is taking things one day at a time. You never know what the future will bring.
You can plan for your future, but planning for others futures proves a little more difficult and disappointing, IMO.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,179,490 times
Reputation: 19148
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
Isn't that the truth. I'll tell you, one thing that has helped me with that is taking things one day at a time. You never know what the future will bring.
You can plan for your future, but planning for others futures proves a little more difficult and disappointing, IMO.
Absolutely right. When your kids are younger, you look at others, at how they're parenting. You think you figure out what they're doing wrong or what they DID wrong, that caused their teens to rebel and/or make really bad choices. You think you can see what they did right or are trying to do right. You plan, you execute, you "do everything right", then sometimes, your child turns out to be completely opposite of what they're "supposed" to. This happens in spite of all your careful planning, your meticulous studying, your sleepless nights because maybe you were too hard on them or not hard enough on them.

For the most part, it is a crapshoot. All you can try to do is teach them and model for them appropriate behaviors. You can let them know that you have their absolute best interests in mind. You can show them that you are always there for them, but will take the blame for their poor choices and you will not always bail them out of their messes. You can "attempt" to head them off and pull the switch on the tracks when they're headed straight for a cliff. You can crack down, in order to stop them from dragging you down into a costly legal/financial hole, and hope to hell they don't run out and tell lies in retailiation for those reins that you're pulling on.

All you can do really....is to try to protect them, try to protect yourself and HOPE they turn out all right...hope that they "choose" the right path.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 06:39 PM
 
Location: TX
5,926 posts, read 2,224,304 times
Reputation: 2556
Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
I said different, and sometimes maybe the teen does have less. You do not know the specifics of a family's life. Having your child act out, in pain, and making bad decisions, is a terrible stressor on a parent who loves them.
Obviously. I was merely pointing out that parents shouldn't assume teenagers necessarily have less stress. And I submit the idea that teenagers do not typically cause their parents stress unless they are experiencing stress themselves.

Also, I don't believe in "different types of stress". I believe in different types of stressors, but the stress itself is always comparable, imo. If it seems different, it's probably because it's a different degree or you are more/less able to cope with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
Everyone jumped to conclusions--Some of the posters jumped on religion, some jumped on the fact that you cannot "make someone feel or believe", some jumped on the Op saying she was too controlling and wanted to do things, like the party, just for herself. I was guilty of this as well in some of my previous posts, for this I apologise.
Not I. I only introduced different possibilities, which is really all we can do. I think when someone asks for advice in a public forum, all they are really needing is various "shots in the dark", multiple perspectives perhaps they overlooked before. So perhaps, if you feel you jumped to a conclusion, you can remember to throw in the sentence "This is what I think MIGHT be going on:" next time you post your opinion. But really, I say to anyone and everyone responding to a thread like this, FIRE AWAY. You may just be right, but it will be entirely by accident... but you may just be right
 
Old 03-08-2012, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Kenmore, WA
6,840 posts, read 3,405,338 times
Reputation: 9511
I don't need the back story to understand completely -- you have a 15 year old daughter. Give it about 6 - 10 years and she'll return to sanity. Until then, I gather that it's best to have stress tabs in the pantry, and get lots of exercise. Meditation or tai chi might be in order. Keep centered, because she will be spinning in an unusual orbit for awhile.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 07:52 PM
 
Location: TX
5,926 posts, read 2,224,304 times
Reputation: 2556
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Which is all well and good, but the nature of a parent child relationship from the very beginning to ... somewhere later than most people think is that the parent is the ... PARENT. They are supposed to be the guiders, the moulders. Sure your mistakes are you own. But parents JOBS are to consider the upbringing of their children. It just does them no good to say to said parent, gee lets wish your child would do differently. If that is the message to the OP, then I posit that it is a poor one.
Agreed. Saying "Your daughter is wrong" is the end of the conversation, not a beginning toward any solution. Far from the advice the OP asked for. Sure, it's encouraging when someone sympathizes with your plight, but it ultimately gets you nowhere.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 09:00 PM
 
2,728 posts, read 2,592,330 times
Reputation: 1905
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
I absolutely agree. Also, just because someone chooses to attend church, and to make it a mandatory family affair, it doesn't mean that they're controlling parents. One of the things that really bothers me about some of the responses, is the need to jump, stamp their feet and proclaim that THEIR way is the only right way. What's even more irritating to me are the folks who have YOUNG children, yet think they have all of the answers on how to parent a teen.

I've got news for those posters...MOST of us who have survived (even if barely) our children's teens?....We knew exactly what to do, what not to do, etc., when our children were little. NEWSFLASH!!!! It can all go out the window, practically overnight! All of a sudden, you can feel the rug yanked out from under your feet and you're left feeling like the stupidest parent in the world. You then realize that you have NO answers!
Or maybe that you really were not in *control* as you thought you were .

That whole thing about the universe not revolving around us, it eventually gets through.
 
Old 03-08-2012, 09:17 PM
 
8,347 posts, read 6,911,359 times
Reputation: 8797
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
More good advice! See KNEW it was out there!

There are some people who are obviously really different types of parents than I am.

I will be the first to PROUDLY admit that I am not from the "What ever you want dear, what ever makes you happy, F word, hey it's OK everyone's saying it, mom comes LAST" school of parenting.

I AM an understanding, and hardworking parent who actively PARENTS.

My home is not a free for all.

We do not let kids chose their own religion - but I am NOT a Fundamentalist. We have a Pentecostal brother in law who raises his kits with fear - a bible in one hand a belt in the other.

WE ARE NOT THEM! WE ARE NOT the Duggers, forcing their daughters to be little mother's and wearing ridiculous skirts that are down to their ankles. But I still say that WHILE WE ARE FOOTING THE BILLS< WE CALL THE SHOTS.

I am honestly SHOCKED that so many people think parents should let their kids pick their own religion! What???

I am a moderate Democrat in terms of politics.

When I look at the children of Politicians who I admire, their children, the one's with the successful families and high achieving kids, had a family religion.

What ever you think of the Clinton's, Chelsea Clinton is a lovely young woman, who was raised in the United Methodist Church, attended regularly, and attended Sidwell Friend Academy, for the same reason that I send my children to their Christian Schools - bad city schools.
What a gem Chelsea is! She went on to the prestigious Stanford University, and when she was married, it was important to Chelsea that a Methodist minister be present at her interfaith ceremony.
The marriage did not go well, and I am glad that Chelsea enjoys a great relationship with her mom - and has faith.

The Bush daughters were also raised in Church. Although their dad's politics is not mine, they are two lovely, responsible young women.

Having a faith based HOME is not oppressive - it's enriching!

AND MOST of the difficulties 95% of them don't have to do with church attendance.
Sorry, I am not dissing the Clinton's or the Bush's, but I don't think these are the best examples for "normal" parents w/ "normal" teen/parent dysfunctions. Bush girls were in the paper constantly for their rowdy behaviors, and of course an ex-presidents daughter goes to a prestigious school.
I support the "come to jesus" conversation, wake-up call about respect, house rules and parental expectations for this young lady. Good old fashioned grounding may be the answer to the attitude, along w/ more quiet Mother Daughter talks and activities. Less comapring Her to the other kids....Kids are all different. Like Dr. Phil says, find out what her "currency" is....use that for a reward for the good behavior, take it away for the bad. Good luck Mom.
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