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I generally don't stick my nose in other peoples business, but I feel like I have to this time.
My great aunt and uncle, their daughter-in-law, and her 8 year old son are planning to go visit my grandparents (my great aunt and my grandfather are siblings). I am 99.9% certain that my grandparents do not want the child (Henry) to come over. It's not that they don't like him, it's just that they live in a very small place and Henry is rather unruly, loud, and obnoxious (everyone feels this way about him). My grandparents can't take his unruly behavior and would be upset at his behavior and how loud and bossy he is. They've mentioned that they really don't want to be around him because of his behavior. My grandfather has a medical problem that causes untreatable pain and he has become very irritable and I know he would be very upset/annoyed at Henry being over at his house. Grandma says he's become rather grumpy and he even snapped at a few of us on Christmas day, for no reason at all.
My grandparents would most likely not say anything about Henry coming over. They probably wouldn't ask that Henry be left at home. If he came over and annoyed them, they probably would just bottle it up and just be ticked off the entire time, which isn't healthy.
I feel like I should tell my aunt that they should leave Henry at home and explain why. I'm upset for my grandparents because I'm certain they wouldn't speak up about the issue. I feel like I should. I'd hate for them to be miserable in their own home. I'm not even sure if my aunt was planning on telling them that Henry would be coming with them. Like I said, I know my grandparents well enough to know they wouldn't speak up about the issue. Should I say something? If so, what would be the best thing to say? I don't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings.
If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to my grandparents and ask them if they wanted me to handle the situation. See if they want you to gently explain how the 8-year old's misbehavior flares up grandpa's health problem and work out a solution. Seems to be that mom needs to handle her son better. If he doesn't have developmental issues, the 8-yr old should be able to contain himself during the visit. Even if he does have some issues, there are things the mom could do to minimize those behaviors at the grandparents' house.
ETA: If the daughter-in-law is difficult to talk to and gets defensive easily, it'd probably be better to focus on giving your grandparents advice for this situation. Your grandparents may even not want to confront the DIL. I know some people who'd rather deal with annoying behavior than have bad relations with a relative.
Should I say something? If so, what would be the best thing to say? I don't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings.
1) You are inserting yourself into this situation. It's nice that you care, but it's their visit. Your grandparents are adults. If they don't like something, they should handle it.
2) There is no way to say what you want to say without offending someone. So you will need to choose one: Tell them to keep Henry home, thus offending at least the DIL, or stay out of it and offend no one but yourself.
I generally don't stick my nose in other peoples business, but I feel like I have to this time.
My great aunt and uncle, their daughter-in-law, and her 8 year old son are planning to go visit my grandparents (my great aunt and my grandfather are siblings). I am 99.9% certain that my grandparents do not want the child (Henry) to come over. It's not that they don't like him, it's just that they live in a very small place and Henry is rather unruly, loud, and obnoxious (everyone feels this way about him). My grandparents can't take his unruly behavior and would be upset at his behavior and how loud and bossy he is. They've mentioned that they really don't want to be around him because of his behavior. My grandfather has a medical problem that causes untreatable pain and he has become very irritable and I know he would be very upset/annoyed at Henry being over at his house. Grandma says he's become rather grumpy and he even snapped at a few of us on Christmas day, for no reason at all.
My grandparents would most likely not say anything about Henry coming over. They probably wouldn't ask that Henry be left at home. If he came over and annoyed them, they probably would just bottle it up and just be ticked off the entire time, which isn't healthy.
I feel like I should tell my aunt that they should leave Henry at home and explain why. I'm upset for my grandparents because I'm certain they wouldn't speak up about the issue. I feel like I should. I'd hate for them to be miserable in their own home. I'm not even sure if my aunt was planning on telling them that Henry would be coming with them. Like I said, I know my grandparents well enough to know they wouldn't speak up about the issue. Should I say something? If so, what would be the best thing to say? I don't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings.
Why not volunteer to take the child to the park or something like that yourself? That way the others can visit with the grandparents and the child won't upset them.
How long is the visit? Is it for a few hours or a few days? We were in a similar situation with my in-laws when we flew down to Florida for a week or so last year. My 9 year old son can get very restless if it means spending four hours sitting on grandma and grandpa's couch. My FIL, never the best of tempered men, would resort to yelling at him. We finally started staying at a hotel, let the kids swim a bit, then take them over in the afternoon. They would spend an hour or so socializing with the grandparents and then go over to the pool next door to swim. It made the visit much more enjoyable with much less stress on everyone. We would go out to dinner with them and then go back to the hotel.
Sadly, they have both moved into an assisted living facility this past year. My husband takes the kids down to see them at least 3-4 times a year. My FIL can't be around my son for more than a few minutes at this point without saying something mean. Of course he has dementia now which doesn't help. This intolerance towards the kids has been getting much worse the older they get. My son is pretty well behaved but any movement like tapping his fingers or toes or moving around in the chair results in him getting yelled at.
If the visit is for an afternoon, visit a bit and then perhaps take the kid for a walk. A few hours shouldn't be unbearable unless the kid is a maniac.
I generally don't stick my nose in other peoples business, but I feel like I have to this time.
My great aunt and uncle, their daughter-in-law, and her 8 year old son are planning to go visit my grandparents (my great aunt and my grandfather are siblings). I am 99.9% certain that my grandparents do not want the child (Henry) to come over.
Your wording is a little vague, did your grandparents actually invite them? It's a shame that the 8 year old is so unruly, but it would be rather rude of the grandparents to invite the parents without him since he's only 8. Where else would he stay for the visit? On the other hand, if the family is just showing up uninvited, that's even more rude. How long is the visit? If it's just an hour or two, everyone should just suck it up and silently pray for a quick ending. If it's for days, your grandparents have every right to complain, although I can see why it would be hard for them, the boy is only 8 and it's most likely the parent's fault for his behavior if it's truly out of control.
You might casually mention to the DIL the stress this visit will cause your grandparents, and why, but otherwise getting involved in family drama might just make everyone angry at your interference.
I don't see the issue as black and white as other posters. As our elders age, they become less able to care for themselves, whether that means cooking and cleaning, or taking the energy to argue their point. At what point these grandparents are, I don't know. Also, as it is the great aunt's DIL (no blood relation to the grandparents), I'm guessing she is there to drive the great aunt and uncle. If she is a SAHM, then of course she is going to bring little Johnny with, so asking her to leave him home might be imposing an already larger hardship on her. But she may have little interest in actually visiting with the OP's grandparents.
If the OP comes out straight and asks her grandparents if they want her to say something, they are most likely going to say "no." Afterall, she is their granddaughter and they still want to have the dignity of being the adults in the situation.
If I was in the same boat, I guess I would say to my grandparents, "What can I do to help the situation?" It is just a nicer way of presenting it--acknowledging that they can handle it on their own, but that you care enough to help. Immediately present some things you can do, from talking with the DIL about grandpa's condition to watching the boy or finding some babysitting service. Personally, I like the idea of talking to the DIL beforehand and letting her know about grandpa's pain and how he even snapped at some older family members at Christmas and then suggesting that you know of a great coffee shop/kids restuarant/park and that it would be great to get to know one another more. Or, explain the situation and joke about how small the apartment is and ask if she would like info on the area and what are little Johnny's interests. I know, as the mother of two young boys, how horrible it is to have to keep them penned up and acting "good" because of relatives' ideas of what is okay for the boys. The DIL may actually thank you for helping her--I know I would. (Also, she may have already figured all of this out and has things planned for her and her son--no sense in worrier about nothing.)
My grandparents did not invite them over. My aunt just wants to visit them since she hasn't seen them in a few years. She can't drive over herself, which is why her DIL is going over. Although I know that her DIL would like to see my grandparents as she is very fond of them. I asked my aunt if she was going to call them first to let them know they were coming (because they might not feel like having company) and she said she was. But I know my grandparents wouldn't say anything about Henry, because they wouldn't feel comfortable saying anything.
My aunt asked if I wanted to go over too. I don't know if she wants me to go or was just being polite. I suppose I could offer to go and we could leave her DIL and grandson at home. The visit would be for a couple of hours. My grandparents live about 2 1/2 hours away (5 hrs round trip).
Henry's mom and grandma don't properly "control" him. They tell him no, then turn around and allow him to do what they just told him not to do. He can't leave anything alone, he's always touching (and then breaking) something. He can't sit still and be quiet. He can't keep his nose out of other people's business. He gets very rough and physical with everyone. He's very bossy and controlling. No one ever makes him behave and he walks all over his mother and grandmother. Bad behavior is one thing, but this is something else. I've always thought that there was something wrong with him. If I didn't know any better I'd swear he was about 3 or 4 years old, just based on behavior and speech.
One day I was doing maintenance on my aunt's computer and Henry was sitting in the chair beside me. Out of nowhere he just smacked me in the face, and I was wearing eyeglasses. I got really mad (I thought he might have broken my glasses) and I sternly told him not to do that again and he looked very shocked.
He always comes up to me, pulls on me and speaks somewhat rudely to me. He says in this angry/monster like voice, "what are you doing" or "where were you?" I don't respond to him when he talks to me like that. When I don't respond he asks me again in an even angrier/monster like voice and when I don't respond he usually goes away. Something is wrong with that boy.
I don't know, maybe I just won't worry about it. I'll just call my grandparents and tell them to make sure that Henry doesn't get into any of my board games (he'll lose the pieces for sure).
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