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Old 03-31-2012, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,923 posts, read 4,772,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
I'm sure this is true, and I also think parents can have a difficult time not taking care of their children- even when it isn't the best thing for all parties.

I live with my mother because I am her caretaker- she has medical illness that include problems with short term memory. I put out her meds, take her to doctor's appointments and speak with the doctors, cook, clean, etc. But her mind, I'm 'just' her daughter. Which means she get nervous if I go out at night (I'm 31!), nags me to wear a coat if she's cold and in general acts as she did when I was 13. I'm not sure she can help relating to me in this manner- it's engrained. And it's wearisome, to be frank. The 'break' that distance would have provided is missing from our relationship. Well I think some parents and children are happy enough living together, I think it does tend to 'freeze' the children in time both in their parent's mind and in their relationship- no matter how mature and responsible the child may be. Which is not to say that parents don't always worry about their children, no matter where they live...but I think distance means you worry about the big stuff and trust your kids to handle the little things on their own.

If the child is not mature, having their parents fussing about the little things means they give up the responsibility of caring for themselves. They get stuck in time too in a way. For mature children who may either be caretakers or moving back home for unavoidable financial reasons, it can be grating and put a strain on the relationship. It's also exhausting for the parent if they truly can't help themselves.

PJ, first of all, let me say that my heart goes out to you in your life situation. I will agree with you, it IS difficult for many parents to understand that their adult kids are no longer "ignorant" children. Sadly, some adult children make it more difficult for their parents to view them as adults, as they do continue to repeatedly behave like teens, rather than adults. LOL

In your particular case, you mother suffers from memory impairment, so it must be exceptionally difficult for you both. I gotta tell ya though, as a mother, myself, I mother everyone in the house, even my husband. LOL I am a caretaker, as most moms are. If the guys are going to cut firewood or even go fishing, I am compelled to repeatedly remind them to take coats, bring along some TP (just in case), make sandwiches and drinks for them. It's not a matter of thinking that they can't think for themselves, it's a matter of loving and taking care of them.

You'll even find those "age forgetfulness" situations with siblings. As the youngest of 9 children, I have siblings who will give me the silliest little "pearls of wisdom". Part of their minds still sees me as their baby sister, when in reality, I am a 50 yr old, wife and mother of 4 children...3 grown. There have been times, over the years, when I've thought, "Wow, really? At MY age, did you really not know these things? Hello? I'm the one who's been on her own since the age of 16! Unlike you, I HAVE had a marathon marriage, double college degrees, been totally independent, own my OWN home and cars, and am debt free! You're giving ME life advice?...REALLY?"

Honestly, I think it's just that their minds have a difficult time processing my age and life situations, partly due to their uninvolvement in my life. Parents though, ones who really care, always want to make sure that you have information and advice that you might need. I'll tell ya, with 4 kids, I have to check myself...ask myself if I've already shared the information with the younger ones. LOL It's hard to keep track after a while. Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me!
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Old 03-31-2012, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,384 posts, read 2,872,657 times
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I think young adults living at home would work out if their parents treated them more like tenants and less like their children.
Rent, contributing expectations and in return freedom, like they would have living on their own, no pushing religiius or moral views, no "controlling" them in the sense that they tell them who, what, when, where and how to do it. No forcing your 20 year old into going to church every sunday, no interference when it comes to the opposite sex and dating.
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Old 03-31-2012, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,923 posts, read 4,772,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
I think young adults living at home would work out if their parents treated them more like tenants and less like their children.
Rent, contributing expectations and in return freedom, like they would have living on their own, no pushing religiius or moral views, no "controlling" them in the sense that they tell them who, what, when, where and how to do it. No forcing your 20 year old into going to church every sunday, no interference when it comes to the opposite sex and dating.
The hilarious thing about this statement though is this.... What if young adults living at home, were treated exactly like they were tenants!? There'd be bawling and bit*hing all over the place, because, "I can't believe you'd TREAT me like this! OMG, I'm not just TENANT, I'm your DAUGHTER/SON!" Yeah, I think you're on to something! What say you other parents? How about if we start treating our "over 18 y/o children" JUST like they're tenants? Oh LOL
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Old 03-31-2012, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,384 posts, read 2,872,657 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
The hilarious thing about this statement though is this.... What if young adults living at home, were treated exactly like they were tenants!? There'd be bawling and bit*hing all over the place, because, "I can't believe you'd TREAT me like this! OMG, I'm not just TENANT, I'm your DAUGHTER/SON!" Yeah, I think you're on to something! What say you other parents? How about if we start treating our "over 18 y/o children" JUST like they're tenants? Oh LOL
Fair tenants.
Charge them rent, set down cleaning expectations.

But if adult child jimmy smokes outside of the house, let it be.
If adult child susie wants to stay the night at her boyfriends, let it be.

No tenant in the real world can treat you like a child and tell you what you can and cant do outside of the house, only inside, if you want to go smoke at the park they cant ckntrol it, if you stay the occasional night at boyfriends house they csnt say no.
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,923 posts, read 4,772,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
Fair tenants.
Charge them rent, set down cleaning expectations.

But if adult child jimmy smokes outside of the house, let it be.
If adult child susie wants to stay the night at her boyfriends, let it be.

No tenant in the real world can treat you like a child and tell you what you can and cant do outside of the house, only inside, if you want to go smoke at the park they cant ckntrol it, if you stay the occasional night at boyfriends house they csnt say no.
When Adult Susie or Jimmy can't come up with the rent, because they've quit or lost yet another job (for any reason)....or because they just HAD to spend money irresponsibly, because "they're only young once"....they're out on the street! Being treated as a flat-out tenant, could have some very, very harsh consequences. It's called "no excuses". Pay the rent and take care of the place, or get out....period....with an eviction notice.

Landlords do not care why you can't come up with the rent. True, they don't care whether you're spending the night in the apartment, or if you're spending the night with your sweetheart. They do, however, have the right to limit how often you have someone staying at your house. Some contracts actually place a limitation on that. Again though, landlords do not give a crap why you can't pay the rent. They've heard every sob story in the book Renting that place is simply a job to them...it's how they make their living. You mess with their "living" you find yourself receiving an eviction notice....period.
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:14 PM
 
Location: In Line For The E Ticket Ride
20,570 posts, read 10,973,799 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
The hilarious thing about this statement though is this.... What if young adults living at home, were treated exactly like they were tenants!? There'd be bawling and bit*hing all over the place, because, "I can't believe you'd TREAT me like this! OMG, I'm not just TENANT, I'm your DAUGHTER/SON!" Yeah, I think you're on to something! What say you other parents? How about if we start treating our "over 18 y/o children" JUST like they're tenants? Oh LOL
I'm envisioning parents demanding first and last month's rent (plus security deposit, of course) the day after Junior hits 18 then heading to Vegas for a nice, long weekend.

(Of course Junior starts complaining IMMEDIATELY because he wants to go too. And there's also the small problem that if Junior hasn't been saving his pennies he can't pay the rent. Hmmm... Doesn't that mean that the parents can then EVICT Junior? Wow, if Junior whines because he didn't get to go to Vegas he's going to go nuclear when the eviction notice is taped to his door.)
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:24 PM
 
2,744 posts, read 1,737,928 times
Reputation: 3848
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
When Adult Susie or Jimmy can't come up with the rent, because they've quit or lost yet another job (for any reason)....or because they just HAD to spend money irresponsibly, because "they're only young once"....they're out on the street! Being treated as a flat-out tenant, could have some very, very harsh consequences. It's called "no excuses". Pay the rent and take care of the place, or get out....period....with an eviction notice.

Landlords do not care why you can't come up with the rent. True, they don't care whether you're spending the night in the apartment, or if you're spending the night with your sweetheart. They do, however, have the right to limit how often you have someone staying at your house. Some contracts actually place a limitation on that. Again though, landlords do not give a crap why you can't pay the rent. They've heard every sob story in the book Renting that place is simply a job to them...it's how they make their living. You mess with their "living" you find yourself receiving an eviction notice....period.
But I actually think this would be better for Jimmy or Susie. Treat them like adults, and if they can't behave like adults and make their rent...cut them loose. Treating them like children and giving chance after chance only ensures they never grow up. It seems ridiculous for a parent to tell an adult child they need to be home by ten every night...but it is equally ridiculous for an adult child to not pay rent and expect their parents to continue to carry them. If the children act like adults, treat them as adults- and if they don't, do them the biggest favor you can by introducing them to the concept of consequences.
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,923 posts, read 4,772,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
I'm envisioning parents demanding first and last month's rent (plus security deposit, of course) the day after Junior hits 18 then heading to Vegas for a nice, long weekend.

(Of course Junior starts complaining IMMEDIATELY because he wants to go too. And there's also the small problem that if Junior hasn't been saving his pennies he can't pay the rent. Hmmm... Doesn't that mean that the parents can then EVICT Junior? Wow, if Junior whines because he didn't get to go to Vegas he's going to go nuclear when the eviction notice is taped to his door.)
Oooooohhhhhh I didn't even THINK about that first/last+security deposit!! Holy cow, you COULD take a vacation, couldn't you? LOL

"Sorry Junior, you'd have to miss work if we took you with us. You'd lose your job, then you'd be unable to pay rent & we'd have to evict you. You wouldn't want that, would you?" Yeah....let's treat them JUST like tenants, that's a GREAT idea!

Don't forget though, you'd have to set it up so their room is actually all inclusive.....their own bath, kitchenette, small fridge, stackable washer/dryer, etc. After all, you wouldn't want a "tenant" having access to your "home" while you were away. Tenants would absolutely have to provide all of their own food, laundry supplies, and cable/internet/utilities would ALL have to be factored into the rent......
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:30 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,923 posts, read 4,772,208 times
Reputation: 19002
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
But I actually think this would be better for Jimmy or Susie. Treat them like adults, and if they can't behave like adults and make their rent...cut them loose. Treating them like children and giving chance after chance only ensures they never grow up. It seems ridiculous for a parent to tell an adult child they need to be home by ten every night...but it is equally ridiculous for an adult child to not pay rent and expect their parents to continue to carry them. If the children act like adults, treat them as adults- and if they don't, do them the biggest favor you can by introducing them to the concept of consequences.
Yep!
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:46 PM
 
Location: In Line For The E Ticket Ride
20,570 posts, read 10,973,799 times
Reputation: 21989
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Oooooohhhhhh I didn't even THINK about that first/last+security deposit!! Holy cow, you COULD take a vacation, couldn't you? LOL

Plus parents would have the LEGAL right to enter Junior's room with proper written notice.
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