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Old 03-26-2012, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 3,336,949 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jhanson7183 View Post
see thats the other thing too. Its not JUST that it upsets my daughters (although thats a large part of it)

its that she DOES have a biological dad who is technically in her life, just not as active as her mom or even I am I guess. So whether or not he deserves respect is irrelevant, as a father myself i feel i need to show respect for him, and the title of father/dad is just one of those things
That makes complete sense to me. Would you feel comfortable having some non-Dad special name? FWIW, I think she's lucky to have you, based on the effort you are putting into trying to find "the right thing to do."
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:43 PM
 
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Since you say your girlfriend's dd calls you Dad only when your dds are around, I don't think her feelings would be terribly hurt if you gently corrected her. I also think her having her own special name, like Mattie suggested would preserve the bond that the two of you have. Especially since the girl has a dad already, however inconsistent or unreliable he may be. You could tell her, "your dad is your dad and I am Papa X."

If your girlfriend's dd lives with you full time, and your own dds only part time, I can understand that they may have some jealousy and resentment about that, and they may become territorial. Make sure you spend some special time with them alone, and let them know they have not been replaced.

You seem to be a very thoughtful and caring father, and are probably already doing that though.

Good luck.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:46 PM
 
52 posts, read 54,133 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
I could put my Dr. Laura hat on but you are going to HATE what I'd tell you.
no i wont

any and ALL opinions would be appreciated whether its what i want to hear or not

i already know we rushed into this, that i cant change

thats why im here, i dont want people to sugar coat anything, i need to hear it like it is so i know how to approach this issue and make things work
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:48 PM
 
52 posts, read 54,133 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaNomus View Post
Since you say your girlfriend's dd calls you Dad only when your dds are around, I don't think her feelings would be terribly hurt if you gently corrected her. I also think her having her own special name, like Mattie suggested would preserve the bond that the two of you have. Especially since the girl has a dad already, however inconsistent or unreliable he may be. You could tell her, "your dad is your dad and I am Papa X."

If your girlfriend's dd lives with you full time, and your own dds only part time, I can understand that they may have some jealousy and resentment about that, and they may become territorial. Make sure you spend some special time with them alone, and let them know they have not been replaced.

You seem to be a very thoughtful and caring father, and are probably already doing that though.

Good luck.
actually i will admit for a while after we moved in a lost sight of our alone time and was so focused on always spending all our time with everyone.

well these last few weeks i took my girls out for the day and spend lots of quality time with just me and them and they loved it

its something im going to work on doing atleast once per visit i have them, because they were used to only have to share time with "daddy" when they were living with me after the divorce
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:53 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,386,369 times
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I'm torn. I understand that you are uncomfortable as Daddy to your girlfriend's daughter, and in general I think that people should be called what they want to be called. However, you moved in with this little girl, not just her mother, and you plan to marry this woman. One thing did pop out at me:

Quote:
I guess the truth is that deep down i would prefer her child calls me by my first name, because even though we are together and are living as a family, im not legally or through blood her father and you just never know how things will work out. When her mother and i get married (we are MADLY in love and absolutely plan on making that next step within the next year, its just on me to save for the ring haha) i would gladly approach the topic again and change my stance depending on how things were doing.
Two sentences with apparently opposite statements. As far as the little girl is concerned, you "just never know how things will work out" and aren't ready to be Daddy. But when you speak of her mother, you are madly in love and definitely getting married. When you definitely marry your girlfriend, you definitely become a father figure to this girl ... but you already are one because you live there and presumably share a bed with her mother.

I think it's much, much better for you that this girl seems to want to have you for a dad instead of being one of those kids who screams, "You can't make me! You're not my REAL father!" It sounds like you're not ready yet, but you're already in that situation, so I think you should hurry up and get there. I don't think you need to let the child call you Daddy if you really don't like it, but I think it's sad that you need to emphasize to her that she does not belong to you. I think it's more typical to hear the opposite story, with a guy who wishes his stepchildren treated him like a dad. Daddy is a special name, or it should be, so if a child wants you to be her daddy AND you are well on that path anyway, I don't see the harm in something like Daddy Tim or Papa. Your daughters are going to have to get used to the fact that they will have another sister and not pull this "you're not our REAL sister" nonsense.

Edited to add: I do think it's a good idea to take the bio dad's feelings into account. If he is already Daddy, he might be upset if you are too.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:55 PM
 
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i do want to add that my girlfriends daughter (not sure what DD means???) DOES on occasion call me daddy when they are not around but its so infrequent i didnt think to mention it. she honestly calls me Jeff like 99% of the time.

As a matter of fact this last weekend she was telling me things compared to her dad. like i had her on my shoulders walking around in home depot and she said "my dad does this with me too but hes much taller" or just innocent stuff like that

so obviously she does refer to him as dad (and rightfully so)

is she just confused? not that i blame her
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:01 PM
 
11,636 posts, read 20,470,785 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jhanson7183 View Post
i do want to add that my girlfriends daughter (not sure what DD means???) DOES on occasion call me daddy when they are not around but its so infrequent i didnt think to mention it. she honestly calls me Jeff like 99% of the time.

As a matter of fact this last weekend she was telling me things compared to her dad. like i had her on my shoulders walking around in home depot and she said "my dad does this with me too but hes much taller" or just innocent stuff like that

so obviously she does refer to him as dad (and rightfully so)

is she just confused? not that i blame her
She might be a little confused but it is apparent that she cares for you, and you for her. You ARE a father figure to her so you should have a special status and a special title, not just Jeff. I think that Poppy, Poppa, or some other title that denotes your special status in her life, without offending your bio children or her bio father would be the best thing for all of you.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:06 PM
 
52 posts, read 54,133 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I'm torn. I understand that you are uncomfortable as Daddy to your girlfriend's daughter, and in general I think that people should be called what they want to be called. However, you moved in with this little girl, not just her mother, and you plan to marry this woman. One thing did pop out at me:

Two sentences with apparently opposite statements. As far as the little girl is concerned, you "just never know how things will work out" and aren't ready to be Daddy. But when you speak of her mother, you are madly in love and definitely getting married. When you definitely marry your girlfriend, you definitely become a father figure to this girl ... but you already are one because you live there and presumably share a bed with her mother.

I think it's much, much better for you that this girl seems to want to have you for a dad instead of being one of those kids who screams, "You can't make me! You're not my REAL father!" It sounds like you're not ready yet, but you're already in that situation, so I think you should hurry up and get there. I don't think you need to let the child call you Daddy if you really don't like it, but I think it's sad that you need to emphasize to her that she does not belong to you. I think it's more typical to hear the opposite story, with a guy who wishes his stepchildren treated him like a dad. Daddy is a special name, or it should be, so if a child wants you to be her daddy AND you are well on that path anyway, I don't see the harm in something like Daddy Tim or Papa. Your daughters are going to have to get used to the fact that they will have another sister and not pull this "you're not our REAL sister" nonsense.

Edited to add: I do think it's a good idea to take the bio dad's feelings into account. If he is already Daddy, he might be upset if you are too.
its not that im not ready to do fatherly things with her or be in that role, as i am and have done many things you might consider to be in that category. I hate to get stuck on just a title but i guess thats where im at. out of respect for her father and for my childrens feelings

I guess maybe i need to just get over it... though its easier said than done. I have never said "no im not your dad" to her, ive simply just nodded or paid attention to her if she was calling out to me, but i havent acknowledged the title from her
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:07 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,386,369 times
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I like the suggestion that you spend some special time with your daughters to reassure them that they are secure and loved by you. You might talk about love: the reason it's so special is that you can give more and more and never run out. Kids (heck, even a lot of adults) think that love is finite. Was your older one jealous when her younger sister was born? She may feel threatened because she does not understand that you can love a third sister without loving either of your daughters any less.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:10 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,386,369 times
Reputation: 42509
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhanson7183 View Post
its not that im not ready to do fatherly things with her or be in that role, as i am and have done many things you might consider to be in that category. I hate to get stuck on just a title but i guess thats where im at. out of respect for her father and for my childrens feelings

I guess maybe i need to just get over it... though its easier said than done. I have never said "no im not your dad" to her, ive simply just nodded or paid attention to her if she was calling out to me, but i havent acknowledged the title from her
I am willing to bet everything will turn out just fine for all of you.
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