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Old 05-04-2016, 01:07 PM
Location: Marquette, Mich
1,229 posts, read 488,196 times
Reputation: 2627


Can I make a small suggestion? If GF's daughter is in a fragile place right now, not knowing where she belongs & who she belongs to, couldn't you suggest a "special" name that is more than just your first name, but not "Daddy"--you could compromise to "Jeffy" or "Pops" or "Daddy-O"--just something that will make her realize she has a secure place in YOUR family. My niece called her father DaddyGreg and her step-father DaddyDoug. Eventually, she didn't need that distinction anymore, and they were both Dad.

Something to consider, too. If the mother of your children remarries, what will you instruct your daughters to do if their step-father wants them to call him Daddy? Our discomfort as adults does sometimes have to be secondary to providing comfort and structure for the small people we drag around with us.
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Old 05-04-2016, 01:23 PM
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,947 posts, read 4,750,287 times
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This thread is 4 years old - chances are the OP has figured out a solution by now...
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Old 05-04-2016, 02:21 PM
1,849 posts, read 2,243,053 times
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It looks like it didn't work out. He's got a new family.

Upcoming new home might cause issues with room-sharing
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Old Yesterday, 03:59 PM
39,302 posts, read 15,555,715 times
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Originally Posted by djmaxwell View Post
It looks like it didn't work out. He's got a new family.

Upcoming new home might cause issues with room-sharing
Though my heart goes out to those struggling to do the right thing during these musical chair relationship times, I'm thinking that what the kids call those who step in and out of being parents is the least of their worries.
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Old Yesterday, 06:40 PM
419 posts, read 94,375 times
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Sounds like this was just too much too soon. I get it, life happens, people get divorced and move on but your youngest is 2, thatís really young and now she is in a blended family where a daughter who is your girlfriends is calling you daddy. Iíd be mad too and Iím a 41 year old woman. Itís sad to me that so many people just divorce and move on with their kids like itís nothing.
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Old Yesterday, 06:42 PM
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And yeah the other kid should not be calling you dad. Iíd take a break from this whole situation and think about your own kids. Is your girlfriend really worth it?
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Old Today, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by jhanson7183 View Post
So to make a long story short (lol i wish), My girlfriend and I have made a blended family. I have two young girls from a previous marriage (2 and 4), and she has a 5 year old daughter. So thats 3 young girls running around, pretty crazy, but a lot of fun and we have a very loving household that integrates everyone.

I have my children every wednesday night through friday, then every other weekend (which includes friday through monday morning) as part of my 50/50 split custody arrangements from the divorce.

My girlfriend has her daughter full time, except for the few days a month her dad visits. Unfortunately her daughters dad is not REALLY active in her life. He is present, she knows he is her real father, but he sees her like 1 or 2 days every other weekend. Very inconsistent though and calls off visits often or only shows for half of the alloted time.

From day 1 we have done our best to make all the girls feel equal in terms of time spent together, discipline, etc etc. I think we have a lot in common in our parenting methods, although i do believe i am much stricter with my girls than she is with hers. We dont really discipline eachothers children unless its an emergency (the other parent is not present or its something that would cause harm if ignored, etc). We are always taking the girls out and doing fun stuff, im involved in everything her daughter does just as i am my own. I give her daughter baths at the same time i do mine, i fold her laundry, i help pick her up from her grandparents or take her where she needs to go, etc. If my girlfriend is working and im not, i will take care of her daughter for the day, this happens periodically. I like the way things work like that.

However we do have one major issue... and thats in regards to her daughters outlook on "dads" and my own relationship with my girls. Ive noticed if my girls are over and are always running up to me and saying "daddy!" and giving hugs, etc etc... my girlfriends daughter will start calling me daddy too, as if not to be left out. While i understand this mentality, it then causes my oldest child to get upset. She will say "no hes not your daddy he is my daddy", and then its all downhill from there. Im always very strict towards my girls in regards to sharing stuff but im not some object or toy so its not this simple. The one other catch is that her daughter and my oldest daughter have the exact same name. I know thats kinda weird but we thought it was cute and actually how we met (the name isnt super popular). My concern is that i have ALWAYS had a super close and bonded relationship with my girls and now they are only seeing me half the time, and to top it off there is now another young girl with the same name calling me daddy in front of her and its upsetting.
My ex wife has mentioned that my daughter complains of this once in a while at her house (unverified), and she has been acting out in school a few times. Not sure this is the cause but im considering it. When i approached my girlfriend with my concern, she told me she will not tell her daughter she cant call me dad as its not fair for her considering she already is missing her bio dad and has issues due to that. She told me "imagine how that would make her feel to feel rejected on both sides". I totally understand where she is coming from and i feel for her daughter, i truly do. However now my primal instincts to protect my own children are kicking in and i hate seeing my daughter upset when hers calls me dad. My other fear is that she is only doing this to not feel left out which is the wrong reason to call someone dad in my opinion.

I guess the truth is that deep down i would prefer her child calls me by my first name, because even though we are together and are living as a family, im not legally or through blood her father and you just never know how things will work out. When her mother and i get married (we are MADLY in love and absolutely plan on making that next step within the next year, its just on me to save for the ring haha) i would gladly approach the topic again and change my stance depending on how things were doing.

So what do you think? Am i wrong and being a mean horrible person by not letting her call me dad? Is my girlfriend wrong in expecting me to instantly step into a role of that nature?

I realize this makes me sound unprepared and the truth is maybe we did let love get the best of us. But ill be damned if im not going to try my best to do whats right for these girls and provide a loving home for them all, because when things are good they are REALLY good. and even when times are hard and stressful, we still have lots of love for eachother

I just want some input on this whole situation

Tell your soon to be stepdaughter to call you papa, or something like that. Broach it as not wanting to hurt her fathers feelings by saving that name for him.

Also, while it is natural for your children to want to emphasize the MY in "my daddy" you are doing them no favors in encouraging it in anyway. The jealousy issue is a symptom of their problem not in anyway the actual problem itself. They need to be reminded that love isn't a pie, and having another daughter for you or stepdaughter for them does not take anything away from them. Since its your older daughter you can talk about how you still love her just as much now as you did before her sister was born if she is struggling with the idea.

Blended families are hard, they work best when people let go of the idea of yours and mine and focus on "ours". Particularly since you are likely to have a child or two who would be solidly in that "ours" category. Once you do they will have to "share" that sibling, so might as well figure out how to share "daddy" now.

On a related note, you really need to separate your natural feeling of guilt for not spending as much time with your daughters as you would like, from your ability to love, accept and parent your soon to be stepdaughter. Many parents in blended families feel that guilt and respond (even if it is just subconsciously) by trying to keep the stepchild at arms length since they feel it is betraying their bio kids. This is a terrible mistake and deeply unfair to the children.
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Old Today, 03:40 PM
9,881 posts, read 13,741,741 times
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My stepson just calls me by my first name. I would find it weird if he called me "mom". For better or worse, he has a mother and I am not her. I am fine with him calling me by my first name.

Your girlfriend's daughter is probably just upset or jealous that she doesn't have the relationship with her dad that your girls do with you.

Taking in other people's children isn't always easy. I think your heart is in the right place for sure.

I agree with the poster who said your daughters shouldn't be upset. You are no less their daddy just because someone else is calling you that too. I would take them out alone (without the gf's daughter) and explain this to them. They may be unaware of how the gf's daughter is feeling.
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