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MsAnnThrope..you've had the kids for most of their lives.....what you've taught them about morals and respect, and the support you've given them for all these years is not something they'll lose, or forget.....even children with 2 parents at home (at that age) start to exert their independance, and can easily be confused about who their loyalties lie with....I wouldn't worry about the kids...they're old enough now to take care of most of their needs without you, and they surely know how to phone you if they want.....you've done the hard work raising them...they'll realize that eventually, so just be patient....right now they're just busy checking out their options....and like no kudzu wrote, you could use this time for yourself...I would continue to just ignore the two drunks in your life...completely...there's really no need for you to communicate, especially when all that comes from it is frustration and anger for you.......you've already proven you don't need them in your life.
You got some great advice here. I would just suggest finding a therapist or counselor to talk to during these most stressful times. If money is an issue, find a clinic that has a sliding scale, but do talk to someone.
You talked about your husband as though he were a D-bag. It's only a matter of time that he shows his true self to your children. They may eventually want to come back to you, but they need to see you as someone who has her s**t together.
Don't ask anything of your children at this time, rather send them occasional "thinking of you" cards. Make it about them not yourself. That may get you a better response. Good luck.
Just to let you know . . . I have known quite a few moms who have been through this very same situation. It is like a knife through your heart, when you have sacrificed to try to give them a safe, stable home and part of the reason you have struggled is b/c your ex is uncooperative and a game-player.
Your kids will see for themselves what your ex is all about. Let that be their discovery. That is their dad. They want him to be there for them. Just think of this as his chance to try to set things straight with his own kids. If he fails, it will be a sad learning experience for your kids, but - they NEED to learn who he is.
Just keep the home fires burning. You have the rest of your life - and THEIR LIVES - ahead. Nothing stays the same! Someday, there will be weddings, grandchildren . . . and one day, you will be sitting around a table at a holiday and you will remember how only a few years earlier, your kids had been living with their Dad . . . you will remember the heartbreak you felt, but it will be only a distant memory. Stay focused on building a solid life for yourself and look to the future. You didn't fail your kids; but you will fail yourself if you don't take care of YOU right now. You are gonna be in my thoughts and prayers - one mom to another.
MsAnnThrope..you've had the kids for most of their lives.....what you've taught them about morals and respect, and the support you've given them for all these years is not something they'll lose, or forget.....even children with 2 parents at home (at that age) start to exert their independance, and can easily be confused about who their loyalties lie with....I wouldn't worry about the kids...they're old enough now to take care of most of their needs without you, and they surely know how to phone you if they want.....you've done the hard work raising them...they'll realize that eventually, so just be patient....right now they're just busy checking out their options....and like no kudzu wrote, you could use this time for yourself...I would continue to just ignore the two drunks in your life...completely...there's really no need for you to communicate, especially when all that comes from it is frustration and anger for you.......you've already proven you don't need them in your life.
Lots of mothers in your position, MsAnnThrope. I had a brief period of time where my daughter brushed me off too. What I've learned is that the stress of life sometimes makes our children angry. They can't take it out on the world so they target us because they know we'll never tell them to get lost. I don't know if that's your situation but I'd bet your kids love you and someday they'll come back to you and tell you so. I know how you feel, though. Please try to keep positive thoughts even though you feel like crying. I cannot begin to tell you how many of my friends and acquaintances have experienced this, as well. The only thing we can figure is that they do it because they can. They know Mom has always been there and always will be. What a number of these adult children don't realize is that things can happen and maybe Mom won't be there tomorrow. That's happened too and I've seen young people go through a lot of pain with regret that they were estranged from their mothers, when there was simply no reason for them to be. I wish you all the best and please know that there are a lot of us who have either gone through this or are going through what you are. Take care of you, though. As others have said, use this time to devote to yourself. You were a woman with your own identity before you were a mother. She's still inside you. Rediscover her and let time do the rest.
I think you hit on something inadvertently with your words "Oprah generation of parents"...the Oprah generation, meaning the perfect, yuppie, antiseptic, do-everything-right generation of parents...I think that's not what most kids need or want. A lot of kids want less perfection and more...idk, authenticity, perhaps?
At this point, I would try to let yourself live a happy life. Your 20 year old is on his own and your 16 year old is with her father. I would continue to reach out in the form of birthday and Christmas presents, and a weekly phone call.
Usually, I have found that the more you chase after people the more they resist. If you are a little less available, the kids will come to you.
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