All Advice Welcomed... (custody, deadbeat, parents, boy)

[MsAnnThrope]

Backstory - single mother 2 kids deadbeat dad. Been on my own since kids were 3 and 7 (12 years) and fought tooth and claw to keep a roof over our heads. Succeeded against the odds. Deadbeat has stalked/bullied/abused over the years BUT always been loving to his kids. Daughter hit 161/2 and I invited her to either put a civil tongue in her head and lift a finger or find somewhere else to live. She went to dad's and has virtually not spoken to me since. Son went 18 months ago (they are very close) and now barely speaks to me too probably due to pressure from his sister. I had a bit of a breakdown, quit my job, am about to lose my house but am hanging on in with help from some friends. IN THE MEANTIME I had an old school frenemy (OSF) who lives in another country calling me constantly. She is a drop dead incurable alcoholic who has nothing after being very successful. She never married or had kids and part of her alcoholic rantings was about me having her kids. Would also rail about me beating her in English when we were at school which is 35 years ago!!!! Not surprisingly I changed my number and wouldn't give her the new one until she stopped calling me when drunk. Next comes Facebook. OSF gets online and contacts Daughter and deadbeat, unbeknown to me as daughter wont speak to me. Daughter will however speak to OSF about me, as will deadbeat. Things progress (me oblivious) until I get a phone call from OSF telling me she is ENGAGED to deadbeat! This despite she lives in a different country! The phone call rambled on and on, included gems as "I won't marry deadbeat, I want you back" etc. My reaction to all this is to get her off the phone asap and not answer another unknown number. Around the same time I got an email from deadbeat telling me HE STILL LOVES ME. After 12 years of abuse???!!! So both of them are engaged, both telling me it's really all about me. Bear in mind I have not responded/communicated with these two for YEARS and had NO IDEA they were even in touch.

Fast forward a few months and I'm getting increasingly upset about not seeing my kids. I sms them both "I'd love to see you, call me xxx" and COINCIDENTALLY log onto facebook for the first time in 2 years the next day. I find messages from OSF one of which was sent a month ago, saying "Never tell me I didn't try to fix us" ???!!! calling me a druggie/stoner etc. The most recent two were sent AFTER I sms'd my kids and read "so you send daughter a message wanting to see her, well she doesn't want to see you, you are too much hassle, she likes a stress free life. Ive told her not to sweat over the silly stuff but shes made up her mind. Now son wont see you either...you said youre biggest fear is being like your own mother..hmmmm".

Comments/advice on situation please. My kids are behaving horribly. I NEVER mistreated/abused them in any way that I can remember, did EVERYTHING for them. I fed them, cuddled them, went to school concerts, took them on holidays, paid for private school, bought them the best I could afford. I feel so helpless, clearly there are dynamics at work I haven't even suspected...

[Kibbiekat]

I'm not really sure what you can do. In hindsight, it isn't a good idea to give your kids an ultimatum when they have another parent they go live with for free. I have seen people do this - seek out the parent who paid them little attention growing up. I don't know why. I have a feeling they'll come back to you. In the mean time, just let them know you love them and are there for them. Forget about OSF. I don't know why you would allow all that drama in your life in the first place.

[MsAnnThrope]

Originally Posted by Kibbiekat

I'm not really sure what you can do. In hindsight, it isn't a good idea to give your kids an ultimatum when they have another parent they go live with for free. I have seen people do this - seek out the parent who paid them little attention growing up. I don't know why. I have a feeling they'll come back to you. In the mean time, just let them know you love them and are there for them. Forget about OSF. I don't know why you would allow all that drama in your life in the first place.

Thanks for that, but tell me how I "allow" it? I haven't spoken to either of these two wierdos for years, short of her accidentally contacting me last November and again on FB which I NEVER go on (for this reason)? It's my kids, I love them, all I'm trying to do is keep a relationship going with them...what do you do????

I am actually quite unnerved about deadbeat and OSF's behaviour and apparent obsession with/against me. I told a friend I felt they were in a folie a deux (shared delusion) and he said, but there's three of them, meaning my daughter as well. I don't find this the slightest amusing and if there was anyway to immune myself from the "drama" TELL ME! Needless to say FB has been deactivated. I don't answer my phones and their email addresses are blocked. I have a restraining order against deadbeat for years now which he seems to have forgotten.

[lkb0714]

Uhm, how old are your children now?

[MsAnnThrope]

Nearly 16 nearly 20.

[lkb0714]

Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope

Nearly 16 nearly 20.

Then take the 16 yo back. Don't you have custody?

[MsAnnThrope]

Originally Posted by lkb0714

Then take the 16 yo back. Don't you have custody?

No. As I stated, he has always been a loving father, also, I was of the "Oprah" generation of parents who "put their kids first" and "let them decide who they want to spend time with"...we had an informal agreement every second weekend and Wednesday nights for dinner which worked well for years.

Even if I did have custody, what would I gain by forcing a 16 year old boy to move where he didn't want to? He knows the door is always open, but he has made his choice. I would never stop him living with his father if that's where he wants to live.

[Wmsn4Life]

If the ex violates the restraining order, call the police - every time.

Forget about the ex and the OSF. They are losers, obviously. They know how to get your goat, but, as Carrie Fisher said, resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Live your life cleanly and be an example for your kids. They may come around, but like you said, you can't force them.

[lkb0714]

Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope

No. As I stated, he has always been a loving father, also, I was of the "Oprah" generation of parents who "put their kids first" and "let them decide who they want to spend time with"...we had an informal agreement every second weekend and Wednesday nights for dinner which worked well for years.

Even if I did have custody, what would I gain by forcing a 16 year old boy to move where he didn't want to? He knows the door is always open, but he has made his choice. I would never stop him living with his father if that's where he wants to live.

Not sure what you are hoping for here.

Sounds like your kids are being manipulated and controlled. Your response is to "let them decide". Uh, ok, then what are you complaining about?

What worked before is obviously not working now. Meanwhile you are not willing to be the PARENT to a 16 yo. Maybe you need to make some tough choices.

[no kudzu]

You can't force these "kids" to come back to you. Even the 16 year old. I think you should take the high road and just steel yourself to the wait until they see they want a relationship with their mother. It might take awhile but I think after all you have done for them they will eventually come around.

In the meantime you have to take care of yourself and get on with your life. Show them but most importantly yourself you can be a strong independent woman while at the same time letting them know you are there if they want to see you.
As far as the ex and the OSF, just write them off. They have not been in your life and you don't want either one of them in your life do you? You are better off without them.