First marriage, step kids, relationship trouble. Want other opinions
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I'm sorry for the rant but I had a lot to say and I didn't make every point but this is as complete and I could make it but I tried.
My husband and I just got married recently. We are both kind of young. I'm 22 and he's 25. We are so happy with each other, anyone would say we are a match make in heaven. But when my husband was 18 he got married and had a kid.
I will be the first one to admit I don't like kids. So I never interacted much with his kid. We realized fairly early that there was just no way I was going to get along with his ex wife and kid. When he asked me to marry him we knew this came with a huge decision on what to do about his kid.
My husband being tied down to the city because of a kid and me wanting to travel the world and teach wasn't going to work. In the end he is going to sign over all parental right to his ex wife and wont be paying child support. (Ex wife agreed to this condition on account they don't get along and been trying to find a new father figure for his son anyways and has been yelling at him to abandon his son for years)
I know his family hates me just for marrying him and having a simple dislike for kids. They say "I will always be nothing" and " nothing I ever do will be as good as his first son." (I just stay away from the whole situation. But I did try to get along with the kid in the beginning) My husbands family will most likely disown us when he signs the papers. I have been told over and over again that I'm evil. As much as this is not ideal I don't think I deserved to told I'm nothing the day before my wedding and continuously reminded nothing I ever do will be good enough.
Not many people know the feeling of being hated so much for loving someone. I want nothing more then to make my husband happy and so far I have been doing a great job. But I also know my faults and would rather admit them then hide them. I did not force my husband into the decision he made. I said I would walk away at anytime if his son would make him more happy.
I know everyone says put the kids first. But in a first marriage no one wants to be put on the back burner right off the bat. A first marriage isn't supposed to be so soul crushing.
I in no way regret the outcome of this situation and our decisions.(other then maybe my in-laws hating me with a passion) But I would like to hear other peoples opinions on this situation. Am i evil for loving someone who has a kid but also wanting to like my life?
I've been reading this trying to see if I can write an objective response, but that's not going to happen. I'm writing this from a very bitter place because my dad more or less disowned me when I was twelve on account of his new wife's hatred of me. It's not exactly the same situation (my mom died so I had no parent at all really. however, my dad wasn't present in my half-siblings lives and they are bitter about that too), but I can't help but feel for this poor child. A parent's love for his/her child should trump everything else. A parent should put the happiness and well being of their child ahead of the happiness for a spouse, IMHO. This poor child is going to grow up fatherless because he chose you over his own child. This is going to cause a lot of bitterness, especially since that child may have had their dad in their life prior to you coming along. I speak from experience.
Now, I could be wrong (haven't read this thread beyond this first post), maybe your husband wasn't involved at all to begin with, maybe he was a craptastic dad, I don't know. But regardless, you'll forever be seen as the reason why this child no longer as a father in their life. This child is going to have to go through a series of important events without a dad by their side (first games, proms, weddings, graduations). Hopefully the ex-wife remarries and that man will be a stronger father figure in this child's life.
I know this is your first marriage, but it's not all about you. You chose to get into a relationship with someone who had a child, and you two had a responsibility to that child to make sure that many future plans had the child's best interests at heart, even if it's not your son/daughter. Anyone can marry, divorce, and remarry as often as they want. You can have multiple husbands in a lifetime, but you only get one dad (unless you're one of the lucky ones who gets a adoptive/stepparent who will love you like you were their own). Honestly, if I disliked kids as much as you say you do and my lifestyle wasn't compatible (e.g., the travel thing), I wouldn't have moved forward with the wedding. I couldn't live with myself if I was the main reason a child had to go through the same thing I did. If you can, that's good for you, I suppose...
If this man is willing to disown his child, why is there a problem with his family disowning HIM?
That should have been a given for them both. Of course his family isn't going to be jumping for joy over him signing their Grandchild/Niece/Nephew away. As far as they are concerned the minute you walked into his life is the minute the problems started, and it seems they are right.
I was holding off on posting on this thread because I am this child. And I am not mad at the poster. I am mad at her husband. I am not mad at my step mother, I am mad at my father. You cant make a man give up his child if he doesnt want to.
When I was 3 my dad walked out. My mom was 25 my dad was 29. The exact same ages my husband and myself are, my son is 4. My dad lived 500 miles away from me. He came and picked me up and drove me to his house at the beginning of summer and kept me until just before school. He brought me to his house at Christmas. He met someone when he was like 34-35. I was 8 or 9. She was great. She spent holidays with us, she bought me presents and spent time alone with me trying to build a relationship. They got married, I was 10. I wasnt invited to the wedding. My dad wasnt able to get me for christmas that year. A couple months later he told me she was pregnant. I was so excited. She had a little girl when I was 11. I came to visit for summer, but didnt stay with them. They ended up sending me home because she didnt want me spending so much time with her baby. Then another year and she is pregnant again. Except this time, I wasnt even told. I got called when he was born. I saw them a time or two over the next 2 years. Then my mother died. The courts contacted him to establish official paternity and to have him take custody of me. He submitted a letter to the courts from his home 500 miles away, a notarized single piece of typed paper that said "I am "Dave5150"'s father, and I do not wish to retain custody". And he walked away. Ive seen him a few times in the last ten years. When my son was born he met my son (after telling me i WAS going to have an abortion). He attended his 1st birthday. And then he moved on, back to this life.
Being the child left behind by daddys new wife and children is hard. Its painful, it makes you feel like a horrible person. How could he not want me? How could he not want my child? What did I do? Its been 11 years and it hasnt gotten less painful to know the man who is the other half of my DNA doesnt want me, walked out on me, gave up on me. Do not let your husband walk out on his child. Make him fight for his child. Let his child have a father. A real father. Stop thinking about yourself
I was holding off on posting on this thread because I am this child. And I am not mad at the poster. I am mad at her husband. I am not mad at my step mother, I am mad at my father. You cant make a man give up his child if he doesnt want to.
When I was 3 my dad walked out. My mom was 25 my dad was 29. The exact same ages my husband and myself are, my son is 4. My dad lived 500 miles away from me. He came and picked me up and drove me to his house at the beginning of summer and kept me until just before school. He brought me to his house at Christmas. He met someone when he was like 34-35. I was 8 or 9. She was great. She spent holidays with us, she bought me presents and spent time alone with me trying to build a relationship. They got married, I was 10. I wasnt invited to the wedding. My dad wasnt able to get me for christmas that year. A couple months later he told me she was pregnant. I was so excited. She had a little girl when I was 11. I came to visit for summer, but didnt stay with them. They ended up sending me home because she didnt want me spending so much time with her baby. Then another year and she is pregnant again. Except this time, I wasnt even told. I got called when he was born. I saw them a time or two over the next 2 years. Then my mother died. The courts contacted him to establish official paternity and to have him take custody of me. He submitted a letter to the courts from his home 500 miles away, a notarized single piece of typed paper that said "I am "Dave5150"'s father, and I do not wish to retain custody". And he walked away. Ive seen him a few times in the last ten years. When my son was born he met my son (after telling me i WAS going to have an abortion). He attended his 1st birthday. And then he moved on, back to this life.
Being the child left behind by daddys new wife and children is hard. Its painful, it makes you feel like a horrible person. How could he not want me? How could he not want my child? What did I do? Its been 11 years and it hasnt gotten less painful to know the man who is the other half of my DNA doesnt want me, walked out on me, gave up on me. Do not let your husband walk out on his child. Make him fight for his child. Let his child have a father. A real father. Stop thinking about yourself
This is so sad. I have a friend with a similar story. When she was five, her mother discovered that her father had another woman and a baby son. They divorced, he married the new woman. For a while my friend went for visits and played with her little brother, but then the visits got fewer and fewer and the child support stopped. When she was 13, her mother took her dad to court for child support, and she was there. She watched her father get up and lie to the judge about how he WANTED to see his daughter but her mother prevented it. She knew it was not true, because her father always cancelled the dates on the phone with her. She ran out of the courtroom after watching her father makes up lies to justify that he didn't want to support her or see her, and she never saw him again. She's 48 now. With the use of the Internet, she found out last year that her father died in 1999. The rejection still saddens her.
OP, you don't care about this "kid", but that "kid" is a human being with feelings, and he is going to always know that his own father kicked him to the curb and felt he was worth nothing. I personally would have no respect for such a man, but he obviously makes you feel good, so you are willing to overlook his poor character.
I think someday when the stars are out of your eyes, or whatever other body parts he's making feel sparkly at the moment, and you grow up and mature into adulthood, you are going to realize just what kind of person you are waking up next to. Good luck with that.
Thanks guys. I dont usually talk about those things because I like to believe that my strength and the amazing people who raised me more molded who i am than the personal issues did. But in this situation, she needs to know what she is doing will affect the child.
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