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I am married, so he has a step-father. Unfortunatley my DH leaves most of the parenting decisions regarding him up to me because he feels he does not want to overstep his boundaries as a step parent. He will back up anything I decide 100% however. He and I have been going around in our heads trying to figure out how to motivate DS.
He has no license but had a permit in the state we resided before we moved here. He was supposed to go to the classes here so he could get a permit for this state, but he claims he "forgot" to go. He has just decided once he's 18 he'll go get the permit or license (again the magic 18).
I think DS is just comfortable the way things are. He goes to school, comes home and listens to music or hangs out with friends. There is food in the house and a shelter over his head, why would he want to leave? Why would he want to get a job when his friends buy him things and take him places?
As far as the 15yo girlfriend, she and her mom recently moved out of state so I'm hoping that their "relationship" will fade away with her being so far away. I've been telling him since he was 16 and the girlfriends were 14, that he needs to find girls his own age and he's going to get into legal trouble if he continues to date girls that young. I think he has a hard time attracting girls his own age because he has nothing to offer them-no job, no car, no future really.
I'm going to make some appointments with a couple local colleges that offer a mechanic program and I hope that will help him make a plan. His plan doesn't have to be my plan, but he does nothing to make any of his future goals happen. I could honestly see him being 30 years old and living in my basement, still with no job or car, if I let him.
If this were to happen, that would be on YOU for allowing it
(though I'm sure you aren't going to do that!)
Please try to get your husband more involved in mentoring this kid - he really needs a strong male actively showing him how to take care of business.
Remember, mentoring is your job now - not parenting
If he makes her angry, she can send him to jail whenever she wants. What are the odds that a 18/15 y.o. couple will not break up? Probably less than 1%.
What are the odds that the 15 y.o. will be angry and bitter? Probably 98%
What are the odds that she will lash out at him and try to hurt him in an immature manner? 95%?
Thus, your son is probably going to jail, so you do not need to worry overly much what his plans are. Sorry.
It is hard to guess what might get through to him. Every kid is different. I was a bit of a wild kid and had terrible grades in part of high school. A teacher put me on a better track by putting my report cards on the chalk board and making fun of my grades, while at the same time kind of taking me under her wing and giving me special privileges when I performed well (like taking her car to get doughnuts for the class, or getting me into a theater workshop). I ended up gettigng straight As my last three semesters. That approach may have opposite results with some kids. You probably need to try different things and see what seems to work. No one can tell you what will work with your son.
How you keep him out of jail, I do not know. In my day, they would not prosecute something like that. Now, they do. Odds are he will more likely get probation or maybe a few months time. Down side is he will be a registered child sexual offender and will have to report his wearabouts and his location will be posted on the internet. It is a tough situation. I feel sorry for you.
A lot of factors influence his behavior. You rinfluence at this time is somewhat limited. Friends, teachers, role models, co-workers (if he gets a job) will all have more influence than you (probably).
Once his friends are out of school and paying their own way, they will be less likely to buy things for him unless they are from rich families. I knew a guy who at 35 still lived with his parents, had no job and mooched off friends. He did this simply because they enabled it by always paying his way. He was a very affable fellow and could always find someone to pay his way, drive him places, etc. I have not seen him in over 15 years, so I do not know whether he ever had to make his own way. His parents may be gone now and he may have inherited enough to continue his life as a professional moocher.
The only suggestions that I can thing of is to try different things and see what works. Reason with him, threaten him. IMpose restrictions. Direct him with the opportunity to gain rewards (I will buy you a cell phone if you get a job, enroll in colllege and get a car). Beg. Cry. Yell. Try every approach on some aspect and see what works, then try using that approach for other aspects. You have to guide him as best you can in one little step at a time. The girlfriend problem may be your first issue to tackle. Unfortunately it is probably the most difficult. You are combatting raging hormones, lust and infatuation. Not much in a Mom's tool box to stand up to those. Just keep trying. You can only do the best you can. Somethings he has to learn on his own, some will have to learn the hard way.
By the way, I am pretty certain that once he is 18 you can evict him regardless of whether he has complete high school. Some kids keep going to high school until they are 20 and you are not obligated to continue to support them. Maybe different states have different laws in that regard.
The only suggestions that I can thing of is to try different things and see what works. Reason with him, threaten him. IMpose restrictions. Direct him with the opportunity to gain rewards (I will buy you a cell phone if you get a job, enroll in colllege and get a car). Beg. Cry. Yell. Try every approach on some aspect and see what works, then try using that approach for other aspects. You have to guide him as best you can in one little step at a time. The girlfriend problem may be your first issue to tackle. Unfortunately it is probably the most difficult. You are combatting raging hormones, lust and infatuation. Not much in a Mom's tool box to stand up to those. Just keep trying. You can only do the best you can. Somethings he has to learn on his own, some will have to learn the hard way.
By the way, I am pretty certain that once he is 18 you can evict him regardless of whether he has complete high school. Some kids keep going to high school until they are 20 and you are not obligated to continue to support them. Maybe different states have different laws in that regard.
Just wondering why you'd recommend escalating things to that point??
The goal here should be to motivate the kid and get him started in the right direction of a good future.
Dropping him like a hot potato just because you legally can makes him society's problem and we have WAY too many inept parents who have already done that to the rest of us.
Since the gf has moved out of state, I wouldn't worry too much about that relationship anymore. Your son doesn't drive, so how can he see her? If the mother picked him up she'd have a hard time charging him with statutory anything.
If your husband isn't comfortable being the authority figure fine. If he hasn't been one all along it's too late to begin now.
Have you attempted to contact your son's guidance counselor at his high school? I would ask him/her to call him in to discuss his post-high school plans. The guidance counselors at the school my kids attended did that for everyone. If the answer was "mechanic", they would help them investigate the options. It's a good place to start.
Ask him how intends to finance his "I can do what I want now that I'm 18" life. What is he going to do when his friends tire of him mooching off of them? How will he finance all his fun? After all, he's 18 now and you are no longer responsible, so all fun money should be cut off. How does he intend to contribute to the household, after all, he'll be 18 and can do what he wants but not at your expense. I bet he doesn't realize it. He's 18. Now treat him like it.
Time to hit him upside the head with a clue-by-four.
North Carolina has a provision where statutory rape is not charged if there is less than 4 years between the victim and the offender. Not sure where the girlfriend moved to (and what the law is there) but while your son has plenty of problems, potential statutory rape charges are not among them.
Have you ruled out a health problem or mild depression as the cause of his apathy? I trip to the doctor might not be a bad idea.
I would help him figure out a plan for the future. If he wants to be a mechanic, college isn't necessary but a high school diploma and some trade school or certification program probably is. Maybe help him to start planning and he'll get more excited.
Ask him how intends to finance his "I can do what I want now that I'm 18" life. What is he going to do when his friends tire of him mooching off of them? How will he finance all his fun? After all, he's 18 now and you are no longer responsible, so all fun money should be cut off. How does he intend to contribute to the household, after all, he'll be 18 and can do what he wants but not at your expense. I bet he doesn't realize it. He's 18. Now treat him like it.
Time to hit him upside the head with a clue-by-four.
And give him 3 months (or what you feel is sufficient) in getting a job so he can pay rent. Of course nothing astronmical just something to get him doing something. If he doesn't get a job then evict him. I hear touh love sucks but works if you can stick to it. Or instead of havig a job make him earn his keep. If he doesn't earn his keep then that is grounds for eviction too.
If the mother picked him up she'd have a hard time charging him with statutory anything.
Not true. The charge of statutory rape means a person over the age of consent had sexual contact with a person under the age of consent. Parental approval does not negate the charges.
Same rules would apply even if he is 18 years old. I would encourage him to join the military. He can join the Guard or Reserve and go to basic training during the summer and then return to school in the fall and do one weekend a month for extra cash. He can get training to be a mechanic. If he messes up with the underage girl and they press charges, serious problem. What kind of mother would have a deadbeat move in with them and offer up her 15 year old daughter? Military. Call the recruiters and set up a meeting with you, your son and the recruiter.
My DS will be turning 18 next month. He thinks that once he turns the magical age of 18 he can all of a sudden do whatever he wants and I can't tell him what to do. He has no job, no license and has another year of high school provided he doesn't drop out. I've already cut him off financially as far as giving him money for "fun" stuff and buying him material things in hopes that will motivate him to work harder to find a job. I've told him that if he wants a cell phone he needs to get a job and get his own. I refuse to buy him one. But, when he hangs out with friends they buy him stuff and drive him wherever he wants go go so he doesn't care about a license or a job. When not in school he listens to music and hangs out with friends. He does his own laundry and makes his own meals unless he is home for dinner. He seems comfortable with the status quo and doesn't seem to care about becoming an actual adult and moving out on his own.
What are some appropriate rules for an 18 year old still in high school and still pretty much dependent on me? I mean rules like curfew, chores, whatever rules you would expect your 18yo to abide by. What can I do if he decides not to follow them? I suppose I could threaten to kick him out, but I don't know what the laws are regarding the fact that he is still a high schooler.
Please don't attack me, I'm looking for HELPFUL advice.
It doesn't matter if he is still in high school, once he is 18 you can kick him out, which I would not suggest doing unless its a last resort.
Let me state by saying I went through this with my mom my senior year, so I know some of the legal aspects.
For starters, no curfew but tell him if he wakes people up or is not quiet coming in then you will set a time when the doors will be locked and no one will be coming in or out. That way he doesn't feel like you are controlling him, that leaves it open for him to make the right decision to NOT screw up his chance at no curfew and if he does its HIS fault and then from there he gets decide to come home when you lock the doors or sleep somewhere else. Also tell him if wants to continue living at home then he needs to get a job and finish high school. Give him the summer to find some steady employment and if he doesn't find a job and if at anytime he drops out then give him a 30 day notice.
Chores I would keep the same. Have him keep his room clean, his bathroom clean, help out around the house, keep having him do his own laundry and making his own meals besides dinner.
Simply, I would do no curfew but tell him after certain times he needs to come in quietly and if he fails to do that then you will be locking the doors at night and no one is to come in or out after they are locked.
And just tell him if he wants to live at home he has to get a diploma and he has to get a job.
And chores.
Everything else I wouldn't even try touching with a 10ft pole.
If he takes up smoking or drinking you simply tell him not in the house or around the house and that is all you can do.
When I was 18, before my mom snapped and I first posted here, things were a little different.
I was 18 my senior year. I didn't have a curfew but I did have to stay in school, I wasn't required to work but I didn't get "extra" money.
I still had to clean my room and my bathroom. If I came in late I had to be very quiet, I was told if I woke anyone up then she'd lock the house up at a certain time and I would need to sleep somewhere else.
She was totally hands off with everything else, guys, my social life, what I did outside the house, she turned a blind eye to it all as long as I stayed in school and wasn't disrupting peoples sleep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1
This is where I have other concerns about him. His long term plan is to get a job as a mechanic which I know he would be good at. However, he says when he graduates high school he is going to move in with his now 15 then 16 year old girlfriend and her mom. According to him, the GF's mom is on board with this plan. They will live together with the mom and be a happy family while he is going to college. How does he plan to pay for college? He has no plan for that. He is very out of touch with reality and I'm having a hard time getting him in touch with reality. I've tried to sit down with him and explain how he needs a realistic plan but he doesn't get it.
If he wants to do that then fine. Let him make his own decisions. People have to fail in their own way in order to get it through their heads.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler
OMG, this this kid is on a crappy road.
You really have to sit him down and talk logically....
a 18 year old should not move in with g/f of the similar age or younger.
who does that?, or better yet, who allows that???
If her mother is OK with this, something is wrong.
you could always say, once you leave, you cant come back to live here again, while cruel, maybe the boy will get a wake up call, he so desperatly needs.
An 18 year old is an adult, yes moving in with a younger girlfriend is a bad idea but if two 18 year olds are in a relationship then its up to THEM.
And the OP no longer allows anything. Sorry to say it, but he LEGALLY does not have to abide by her rules or listen to her and there is nothing she can do but evict him from the house.
I have been through this with the police myself, my mom and i butted heads on issues and I told her I was doing things my way and she'd call the cops out and want them to tell me I had to listen to her or else but instead everytime she called them they came out and told her that I didn't have to listen to her or go by her rules and all she could do was evict me and even then she had to go through a process to do so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
I'd be worried now about an 18-year-old with a 15-year-old girlfriend. Just because the girl's mom doesn't mind, I believe he can still get himself in very hot water if someone else objects and reports him.
He's not 18 yet, he'll be 18 in a month.
In all honesty they are only two years apart and most states have a 3 year leeway.
My brother is turning 18 in July and his girlfriend is turning 16 this month, in a few days I think. Both sets of parents are ok with them dating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler
Is it just me, BUT DOESNT ANYONE THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WRONG WRONG WITH THIS SCENARIO?????????????
I have 3 boys, and no way on the face of this planet was anyone one of them moving in with a 15/16 year old. I don't care if her Mother had it written in stone that she was "cool" with it, because ANY Mother that thinks it is fine to have a 15/16 year old and have her 18 year old BF live with them, IMO she is ABSOLUTELY NOT dealing with a full deck!
Who does that????????????????????
Once they turned 18 it wasn't your decision though. They could have legally left and done whatever they wanted. The OP's son is about to be 18, once he turns 18 she can't control him. She can control what happens IN her house and if he lives there but she cannot control what he does outside of the house.
I know no one wants to hear that but its true, legally there is nothing she can do.
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