Best way to deal with a child that lashes out in anger when being disciplined (teenagers, spanking)

[PoppySead]

Relax first off, anyone who tells you this isn't normal behavior for a 3 or 4 year old is lying, IMO. It truly won't matter what you do. If you time out then when they get over it natural with age you will think it worked, if you spank them you will think the same thing. Parents always take the credit for good behavior and wonder where the bad behavior came from, ie: a school friend, a divorced wife or husband, their gf, etc.
Time will end this, regardless of what you do. Try yourself to be calm, don't blame anyone including yourself. Take time outs for you, relaxing bath at the end of the day, shopping trip alone, etc. Let nature take it's course.
I personally just ignored them, if I were out and my child and I saw another throwing a fit we'd laugh and I'd say, "see what that looks like?" "aren't you glad that isn't you today?" slowly they fade. They learn to talk about it instead of scream about it. Just set a good example yourself by being clam, talking, not freaking out and screaming. I didn't hit, some do, I don't think it makes any difference in the child's behavior, just reflects on the parent. They might feel more in control, some parents need to feel in control. But, for me, accepting that I'm not in control of it all helped, knowing others kids were doing the same thing regardless and that it's normal behavior for that age helped. Taking some personal breaks from parenting helped me keep a calm example. Did I loose it sometimes in front of my kids, heck ya, but I tried to keep it to a minimum and taking me time helped. I also avoided shopping with my kids when they were this age. That helped limit the fits. We shop all the time now that my youngest is 8. Much better.

[no kudzu]

Pinching as a regular punishment is wrong. don't do it.
NJGoat has the right idea. There she goes again being rational.

I used to keep ear plugs in a kitchen drawer or even in my pocket for such occasions. The noise level is what would drive me to almost lose it so I learned to whip out my ear plugs, insert them and try to ignore the kid. Yes it does take some practice but it works- just don't give in. And i don't think I always punished or deprived the kid of something. I think the action of ignoring them is enough and trying to start a punishment after the tantrum just starts it up all over again.

I used to roll play to help my kids with frustration. I took them into their room - when they were calm and happy- and said "This is a great way to express yourself when you are feeling angry. It's OK to be angry but there are good ways to show it and bad ways to show it. Let's try this."

Then I would get on my knees- same height they would be- and grab the pillow and start punching it while saying "Mommy is mean, Daddy is not fair. I am SOOOOOOO angry" I never said "I hate Mommy but if they did that would have been OK, after all I was teaching them how to properly express themselves in private.

This worked for us.

Also it is our responsibilities to not put the child in the position of being overly stimulated, too tired or hungry. We are asking for trouble if that happens and then we have no one to blame but ourselves.

[nightcrawler]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Corporal punishment worked quite well for many, many generations. Perhaps the reason we have kids throwing screaming fits is we stopped using it.

They don't lack the ability to control the behavior. They lack incentive. When we were kids, if we bit someone, mom bit us back. We learned really fast not to bite. Ditto for hitting. We didn't throw tantrums. We knew mom wouldn't put up with it. Which, BTW, shows that we DID have the ...whatever it was we needed, to control the behavior. Funny how that works. When we knew the outcome would be unpleasant, we FOUND the ...whatever... to eradicate the behavior real fast.

If pinching a child stops the behavior, then they did have the ability to stop, otherwise pinching wouldn't work.

Thank you, you get exactly what I meant.

and again, as I said before. When I was 5 years old, I told my Mother to 'shut up", she grabbed me (and I remember so clearly) she took the ivory soap from the kitchen sink and put it in my mouth.


I now have adult children, so I am old, and I still, to this day have never told my mother to shut up ever again.


I wonder if she gave me "time out", if I would have still told her to shut up???


oh wait, they didn't do such dumb things as 'time out" in the 60's.......

[gentlearts]

My advise is to stand firm, no matter what. Stay perfectly calm, and don't ever let her see you sweat. If you nip this behavior in the bud, it will save you alot of heartache when she's older.
I hope you don't give her potato chips very often.

[nightcrawler]

Originally Posted by Dorthy

I would say, "If you want to keep screaming, fine but you're going to have to do it in your room with the door shut because it is hurting my ears."

That's fine if you allow screaming in your home, I do not.
Other members of the family do not want to listen to a child having a tantrum.

...........just a little saying I heard a neighbor yelling at her children way back when, I always remembered this line and loved it.

'This is MY house, you abide by MY rules'

****sticks tongue out****

[no kudzu]

hey you could always call the cops.

U.S. News - Kindergartner handcuffed, taken to police station after allegedly throwing tantrum -- and furniture

[no kudzu]

Originally Posted by nightcrawler

oh wait, they didn't do such dumb things as 'time out" in the 60's.......

maybe if they did we wouldn't have parents today who have no clue how to discipline their kids without hitting or pinching them. Something to think about.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by nightcrawler

That's fine if you allow screaming in your home, I do not.
Other members of the family do not want to listen to a child having a tantrum.

...........just a little saying I heard a neighbor yelling at her children way back when, I always remembered this line and loved it.

'This is MY house, you abide by MY rules'

****sticks tongue out****

Because That is SUPER mature role modelling.

[nightcrawler]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

maybe if they did we wouldn't have parents today who have no clue how to discipline their kids without hitting or pinching them. Something to think about.

true, that is something to think about. I think parents of today are afraid to do any type of dicipline. Obviously not to beat the kid to death, but sorry, i just cant get into this "time out" nonsense...

but as a parent of 3, I had no time for tantrums.

[Dorthy]

Originally Posted by nightcrawler

That's fine if you allow screaming in your home, I do not.
Other members of the family do not want to listen to a child having a tantrum.

...........just a little saying I heard a neighbor yelling at her children way back when, I always remembered this line and loved it.

'This is MY house, you abide by MY rules'

****sticks tongue out****

That is why the child is sent to her room to scream, so she won't disturb others with the screams. Screaming is an expression of frustration for someone who hasn't yet learned how to express their emotions in a more civilized manner. If you make them stop screaming on command then they are still going to be frustrated and angry with no outlet. It's a temporary solution. Honestly, I have no idea how you can make a determined 3 and a half year old stop screaming on command. It would not have worked for my daughter when she was that age. It also would not have worked for me when I was a child. And yes my parents spanked! Your kids are grown. I think you're forgetting what it's like to deal with a child of that age. They are not rational. Scaring them into submission might be all right for some but it's not right for all.

BTW, if your neighbor's slogan worked so well, why was she yelling at her kids? They should have already been compliant perfect children since they were raised by such a strict parent who had all the answers.