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Teaching obediance is a parent's duty. Forget the psychobabble.
The problem is not so much with teaching obedience, but with the way in which parents try to do that.
If you want to teach obedience, you must lead by example. Not only should you follow the rules, but you should talk about why it is important to follow those rules. You should talk about the problems and why they should obey and you should give advice NOT commands. You do have to learn to say no and mean it. You have to understand that it is ok for the kids to protest the no, but that you are not going to give in to their protests. Your tone of voice is also important. Talk, don't yell. Be firm, not crazy. Concentrate on the positive and give them pats on the back when they do obey.
The other part of this is that you must talk about when it is important NOT to obey. For example, you want your children to understand that there are people who may want them to do things they should not do. Pedofiles are one example, but unjust laws are another. Examples like Ghandi and Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks should be discussed as examples of those who did not obey, but who were right not to obey.
Punishment and in particular spanking does NOT have to be used to teach kids to listen and to be obedient in situations where they should follow the rules. You do have to be open to the fact that *your* rules are not always correct.
I have a 25 year old and a 35 year old and they were not "hit", they were spanked. I am thinking you should look at anger management because what you are describing is not related to discipline but related to your anger with the child. This "winding my arm back with the hand open" doesn't sound right and your son is only 16 months old and it gets more "interesting" pretty quick. Learn to deal with your anger and you won't become like your father. If you hit your child in frustration and anger, it is very likely that you will teach your child that hitting is a way to deal with one's frustration and anger.
If you would have bothered to read what i actually wrote, i said am CHANGING what is ingrained in me from my father "spanking" me. And, for the record, spanking and hitting are the same exact thing. I dont need anger managment and i resent the fact that you seem to think so, I never said I hit my child, I said that I've felt like i need to due to the way my father spanked ME but *I* refuse to do that to my child.
So, since you hit your children, is it also ok to hit your spouse? If its good enough for the kids when they lash out, why is it not ok for your spouse when they lash out?
Whose reality am I supposed to be acknowledging? I wasn't talking specifically to the poster who got all bent because I was supposedly accusing her of something? I am completely sympathetic to parents feeling like they are doing the best we can. My family has their problems too, discipline doesn't happen to be one of them. You come on a board to try to explain a thought and get sniped when someone hears something other than what you are trying to say. Getting across a point is not always an easy thing to do.
I stand by my assertion that some parents just don't think it is important to eradicate tantrums. I stand by my assertion that that is a perfectly reasonable thing not to throw yourself on your sword over. I stand by my assertion that tantrums can be eradicated, and that if they have not yet been, then the right effective method has not yet been found. How that is an accusation that the parent in question to whom I am not even particularly speaking is not doing anything and has not put forth effort, I simply cannot see.
If my language raises hackles, it is my conjecture that it is every bit as much the responsibility of the receiver in failing to try to understand and assuming I am just being a know it all jerk. While I am struggling to try be helpful to someone, I get a charming backhand for my trouble.
I just meant posters in the general sense. I was trying to draw a distinction between validation and simply observing what a poster has or has not tried. The latter isn't validation, it's just acknowledging where the (general) poster is coming from, rather than assuming what they have or haven't tried.
I wasn't trying to start a whole "thing" or be critical. In one of your posts, you seemed genuinely perplexed as to why you were getting some negative reactions. I wasn't trying to tell you how to post and hope it didn't come across that way.
Re: getting a point across being hard to do - ain't that the truth! IMO, it is the responsibility of both the "speaker" and the "listener" to ensure effective communication. For myself, I try to clarify if I feel someone misunderstood a point I tried to make - some people will continue to misunderstand no matter what I say, some will take the clarified point as I had intended it to be meant, in which case I figure that I wasn't as clear as I thought I was the first time around. In the former case, it's on the "listener," in the latter case, it's on me. It's kind of funny, because, thinking about it, I find myself trying to use the same skills that I practice parenting IRL when I post here.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 04-18-2012 at 01:46 PM..
Know what I just love?
When a parent, one of THOSE parents whos convinced spankings need to really hurt spanks their child then the child cries and tells the kid if they dont stop crying they'll get another spanking.
Right, theyre crying because it hurts a lot and they are sad, they are exhibiting a totally healthy and normal response and are going to get disciplined for it.
Great logic right there....right up there with abstinance only education. Lets breed some real winners.
If you would have bothered to read what i actually wrote, i said am CHANGING what is ingrained in me from my father "spanking" me. And, for the record, spanking and hitting are the same exact thing. I dont need anger managment and i resent the fact that you seem to think so, I never said I hit my child, I said that I've felt like i need to due to the way my father spanked ME but *I* refuse to do that to my child.
So, since you hit your children, is it also ok to hit your spouse? If its good enough for the kids when they lash out, why is it not ok for your spouse when they lash out?
Is it OK to give your spouse time out? Is it OK to ground your spouse? Is it OK to take privileges from your spouse? It is not typically considered acceptable to do any of the common parenting discipline strategies to a spouse.
Is it OK to give your spouse time out? Is it OK to ground your spouse? Is it OK to take privileges from your spouse? It is not typically considered acceptable to do any of the common parenting discipline strategies to a spouse.
Different things are withheld like sex and you can divorce your spouse.
Is it OK to give your spouse time out? Is it OK to ground your spouse? Is it OK to take privileges from your spouse? It is not typically considered acceptable to do any of the common parenting discipline strategies to a spouse.
Why do we have to hit people if they do something wrong?
Should my boss be able to hit me if im late? Should the cops be able to hit me if i break a law?
Should i be able to deck the cashier at walmart for slowly ringing my things up?
Lets publically cane people for things they do wrong.
For all the spankers, tomorrow try TALKING to your child.
Little susie starts to throw a temper tantrum, ask whats wrong, give her a hug and explain WHY her behavior needs to be different where she is.
Children are LEARNING they test boundaries to learn why hit them for it??
If we dont spank after a certain age anyways then why spank at all??
You know what's fun? Parenting advice from people that 1) don't have children and 2) still haven't matured to the point that they identify more with adults than children
Bet the genius who came up with that delight never had kids.
That is from God's Word, the Bible. He has a Son who is quite successful...
Last edited by Bideshi; 04-19-2012 at 12:28 AM..
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IMO, it is the responsibility of both the "speaker" and the "listener" to ensure effective communication. For myself, I try to clarify if I feel someone misunderstood a point I tried to make - some people will continue to misunderstand no matter what I say, some will take the clarified point as I had intended it to be meant, in which case I figure that I wasn't as clear as I thought I was the first time around. In the former case, it's on the "listener," in the latter case, it's on me. It's kind of funny, because, thinking about it, I find myself trying to use the same skills that I practice parenting IRL when I post here.
