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Old 09-20-2006, 09:52 PM
Location: Polish Hill, Pittsburgh, PA
29,626 posts, read 65,686,504 times
Reputation: 15081


NewHome, I've already spoken with both NJChick and CorruptNJ, and the "hatchet" between the four of us has pretty much been buried already. You were the last one I hadn't spoken with, so I likewise want to apologize for that night when we all acted like children! I actually, at this point, want to apologize also a bit for this message, as it really isn't fair for me to get onto a "soapbox" on a forum like this just because I'm having a rough night.

What's most important, NewHome, is that you, as a parent, remember that you are there to help to guide and shape your childrens' futures---You still have to give them the freedom to make their own long-term decisions in life, whether you deem them to be "right" or "wrong." My parents were so obsessed with what "other people would think of them as parents" that they forgot about how I felt. I think they're finally starting to realize this and feel guilty that they ruined my love life for me, as my mom's been doing a lot more baking now than she used to and my dad has backed off considerably with his ultra-macho nagging.

I'm 19, and I think I'm turning out just fine as a member of society. I've never had a drop of alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't have random sex, I don't do drugs, and I'm on the Dean's List. All of these decisions were made by me, NOT my parents, as what I do on-campus is beyond their control. In this sense, they succeeded in raising a morally-upstanding child, and I'm thankful that I have a strong Christian background. However, they also failed as parents in raising a child who was always afraid of his parents. I foresee possible family therapy sessions in the future to try to rectify the underlying tensions still present in our home.

Like it or not, if you give birth to five children, there's a pretty good chance that one of them is going to be either gay or lesbian. While most families would opt to shun that one as being the "black sheep" of the flock, I'd suggest that the family would make a greater effort to try to make that "stray" feel loved. I didn't just wake up one morning and say "I'm going to be "different" from now on just to spite my parents!" (Which I'm assuming my parents must think!) I'm quite honestly a straight man trapped inside a gay man's body at this point---I love hockey, baseball, working out, yard work, and getting my hands dirty at work. Meanwhile, I'm attracted to members of the same-sex. Why? Personally, I don't know, and I don't think anyone will ever know. The increasing number of gays and lesbians in our society could be God's subtle way of trying to curb overpopulation (as there are gay animals in just about every species). It could be a mutated gene. It could be global warming for all we know! In any event, you should never cast out someone you love just because you don't agree with how they're turning out in life.
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Old 09-21-2006, 07:17 AM
Location: FL to GA back to FL
894 posts, read 3,893,597 times
Reputation: 419
Wow, I suspected you would eventually post on this thread, but was totally blown away by your story....Like NewHome, I had the same range of emotions but the one that was the strongest was the urge to take you in my arms and hug you, mother you, and tell you everything would be okay. I am a mother of an almost 19 year old son, who is straight and made his share of mistakes, but I still love him. Your parents should be sad, because you are a strong, mature, sensitive, smart, independent, person, and should be proud of you for those qualities. Those are the things that I hope for my son. Although it may be too late to take back all the hurtful things, just know that sometimes parents myself included, do the best they know how to do whether right or wrong.
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Old 09-21-2006, 08:07 AM
Location: NJ
502 posts, read 2,123,388 times
Reputation: 562

If you were my son, I'd give you a big hug. It is so sad that parents sometimes get so caught up in there personal image forget what is most important. Remember that you are still young and will be on your own soon enough and able to live your life as it makes you happy.

My older brother is gay and tried to hide it from us for so many years. He married, had 3 children and then finally broke down and left his marriage. We all were shocked of course but we supported him and love him. He now lives a happier life. His children are about your age and they love their father to death. They did go through some tough time understanding their dad but now they live with him instead of their mother. His ex-wife is a good friend to him and they just threw the biggest baby shower I've ever seen for their 22 year old daughter. He is happy now but before getting to were he is now, he struggled and cried many tears. My parents, his children and his ex-wife all went through rough times but in the end it all turned out alright.

I only have one son and if he chooses to be gay, well that is his choice. I've learned from my brother that you can't try to live a life that makes other people happy because it never works out and creates even more heartache along the way.

I hope in time things get easier for you and that your parents come to their senses but be prepared that they may not come around for a very long time some parents never do and that is their loss. Surround yourself around those who love you and be grateful for their love.
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Old 09-21-2006, 08:51 AM
Location: Colorado
10,017 posts, read 16,701,141 times
Reputation: 2086
Originally Posted by ScrantonWilkesBarre View Post
How many times during your tenures as parents have you actually stopped to talk with your children to let them know that you're always available to talk to when they don't know what to do in life. For me, I never felt like I could talk to my parents about my orientation (and I was RIGHT, may I add!) You people spend your days doing nothing but directing your childrens' lives instead of guiding their lives! We're all free spirits; We need to make our own decisions. As for me, I would have been a lot better off mentally if my parents hadn't driven me to the side of a highway bridge from depression. I can just picture myself turning 20 beside a great person---Instead of turning 20 alone at work, the only place I find comfort in anymore. You're always right, parents? I guess I should just go out and find another girlfriend and make both of our lives miserable just so my parents' images are boosted in the community, right?
As a parent let me say I am shocked but not surprised by how your parents treated you, it was a shock for them to find out that their son didnt fit their ideal. But let me tell you, I love my kids and while I would be in shock, they would never not feel my love, your parents are really missing out and you really need to live your life and be happy, if they cannot accept you then that is their loss and they will live to regret it. Having a child is unconditional love, you cant just love them because you think they are a certain way, if they do that they dont deserve them. I know you love your parents, but you cant stop living your life, you will miss way to much. I had a child while i was still in high school, and my mother called me every name in the book and told me to have an abortion, but I did what I felt I needed to do, I had my wonderful son, it took her awhile to come around as I had shamed her and we didnt talk for a long while, but she did finally see the light, if your parent dont that is there loss. Good Luck and take care
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Old 09-21-2006, 09:57 AM
183 posts, read 1,140,080 times
Reputation: 262

Wow, how do I begin. You are absolutely right when you said that parents are more concerned about their image and what people would think of them if their child is different. I find myself telling my 15 year old that I dont like some of the eye make up she is wearing or the clothes she sometimes wears to school (tshirt & jeans). I will tell her "cant you wear something nice". Is it for my image or because I want her to look more appropriate? Sometimes we try and guide our children into the direction we feel they should be going. Even if what they are doing is not hurting anyone we feel that we want them to make better choices. What your parents did to you is how a lot of parents would of handled it. They are so affraid of what people would think and how it could affect your life that they just scream angry words without thinking of the consequences afterwards. Im sure they wish they could take back those words and handle things differently, but it is to late. You and your parents need to move forward and try to make the best of the relationship. If they accept you for who you are, than things hopefully will get better if not, they may loose a son. Honestly I dont know how I would of reacted if it were one of my sons but i love them dearly and would rather have them with me than never see them again.
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Old 09-21-2006, 12:38 PM
504 posts, read 1,619,799 times
Reputation: 324
Hitting someone smaller or younger than you is like kicking a dog. Pick on someone thats your size and age.
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Old 09-22-2006, 12:21 PM
Location: PSL,FL
421 posts, read 338,410 times
Reputation: 87
The real problem with homsexuality is too much promotion of it...when something is constantly in your face, you tend to eventually accept it as "right". I find it amusing how there are those who try desperately to justify it with twisting certain passages from the Bible...when in fact it clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination..strong word i would say. You have those who choose passages like, Jesus accepts all...Jesus loves all...Jesus hates the sin not the sinner....HELLLLLLLLLO...he hates sin and expects that one STOPS sinning in order to be accepted in his kingdom! I always use this arguement as it is the only one that is logical> What if everyone decided to become gay? The world would cease to exist as procreation would not occur. As it stands now, homosexuals must rely on heterosexuals to have children...mmmm? If there wasn't the promotion of accepting what is clearly a wrong doing, you wouldn't see your child coming home and saying, I'm gay and that's that. There is no such thing as a person being born gay, no way, no how. There is however those who were born with defects such as hermaphidites and other defects but there is no such thing as a homosexuality gene! You may be predisposed, such as with alcohol or drugs or smoking. Homosexuality is a copied behavior. Now that talk show, The View, has Rosie to AGAIN promote homosexuality....grrrrrrrr...and to the statement of parents worrying what others think, I think not...not enough parents care what thier kids are doing or there wouldn't be as much juvenile crime as there is.
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:10 PM
Location: Just a few miles outside of St. Louis
1,921 posts, read 5,085,320 times
Reputation: 1180
Originally Posted by RAINBOWWAVES View Post
What if everyone decided to become gay? The world would cease to exist as procreation would not occur.
I do not agree with, nor am I comfortable with, homosexuality. However, that having been said, I certainly hope you were kidding about this. Homosexuality has existed since the beginning of time, and I see no end in sight, of the human race, because of it. The last percentage I heard, anywhere from one to ten percent of the population identify themselves as homosexual. That's hardly a major takeover, and I don't believe we're in any immediate danger of losing our abilities to procreate.

I believe in a "live and let live" attitude. What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is their business. I have no desire to play "sex police". I'm much too busy living my own life. I believe in doing my best to give folks the simple courtesy of respect that should be accorded to all of my "fellow passengers to the grave". All I ask in return, is the same.
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:43 PM
Location: Just a few miles outside of St. Louis
1,921 posts, read 5,085,320 times
Reputation: 1180
Originally Posted by Isabella View Post

If you were my son, I'd give you a big hug. It is so sad that parents sometimes get so caught up in there personal image forget what is most important. some parents never do and that is their loss. Surround yourself around those who love you and be grateful for their love.

Although I am not comfortable with homosexuality, (as I stated to Rainbowwaves, in the earlier post), I agree with you on this. Having been rejected by my parents, (for reasons that I won't bother anyone with ), I made a determination to always love my children, no matter what. If one of them came to me and told me they were homosexual, I can't say I wouldn't be taken aback, but, never would they have cause to believe that I hated them or wanted nothing further to do with them. My children and grandchildren mean more to me than what society or the church says. Frankly, although I no longer attend church, if I did, and this situation came up in my family, I would tell the church to take a long jump off of a short pier, if they tried to tell me that this is how I should respond to said child, (and I've seen them do it ) To anyone who thinks this is the way to handle their child, may I respectfully remind them of I Corinthians 13:13 - "And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but, the greatest of these is LOVE".
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Old 09-22-2006, 06:08 PM
Location: Jersey
2,098 posts, read 5,785,761 times
Reputation: 938
Originally Posted by mom4 View Post
thats so funny. Are you from the north. Ive only heard Northern people (NY&NJ) say the comment "We brought you into this world and we can take you out" Ive got another one "Do you like those teeth". My grandfather use to grab my brother by the ear and say "come here" when he did something wrong. I grew up in a loud Italian family and on Sundays the whole family would go over my grandparents for dinner. Everyone would be talking over each other. Those were the days...............
Yup, I'm from Northern NJ!!! My house was the same. We got the ear pullings too (it would usually be a "come here, what did I tell you? Didn't your mother/father say knock it off?" And the whole time, they'd be holding your ear and you'd just be waiting for that tearing sound to come. We also all got the "affectionate" cheek squeezing from the geezers in the family! Us too, we'd all be at my grandparents on sunday and we'd be screaming and yelling over each other all day...we still do it when we get together (of course, some of the family's gone now...). My husband is Irish and German and couldn't understand why I talked so loud when we first started dating. He would say "I'm right next to you, why are you yelling?" and I'd say "I'M NOT YELLING". And he'd argue that I was. I finally figured out that it was because I was used to being from a huge family whose rule was, if someone else is talking, instead of waiting your turn, just scream louder than them across the table to whoever is listening on the other side!!! So the first time he came to a family dinner (I think it was Easter), he literally sat there looking back and forth, up and down while we screamed around him. When we left, I said something like "well, can you believe uncle so and so said that to her and my cousin what's his name is dating that girl, and my father said to my brother...and my aunt yelled at my cousin...." and he wanted to know if I was so busy screaming myself, how I could understand all the other yelling and pick out which conversation went with which people. He hadn't made one bit of sense from the whole day. So I told him, you have to be born into it to understand it. For the rest of our lives, you will not figure it out, just go with it. So now, he'll just start yelling at anyone who will listen too (only they're usually busy yelling something else....My God, what a freak-show being Italian!)

By the way, he also wanted to know why I had so many Joe's, Michael's and Anthony's in my family and why all the girls had Marie as a middle name. I couldn't answer him other than explaining that to keep from getting confused, there were nicknames (i.e. Joe, Joseph, little Joey, Uncle Joe, big Joey, Anthony, Anthony/Blacky, Anthony/Sonny, Tony, Little Anthony, Anthony/Sonny's son anthony, Uncle Mike, Michael (a.ka. Mike), Michael (a.k.a. The Mexican 'cause he has black hair and a mustache and he's the shortest guy in our family), Michael the Third (to the old people but a.k.a. Little Michael to my generation)...it's like watching Goodfellas. Get this, we even have someone named Cousin Sister in my family! Don't ask, I think when they were little her sister used to call her "sister" and since it was my dad's cousin, my grandmother would say, we're going to see your Cousin Sister. So she's been Cousin Sister for about 60-something years (I actually don't even know her real name...I'm guessing it's Marie though).

And the other thing with Italian families....they don't save the beatings until you get home. You act up, you'll get beat in front of the whole family...in fact, half the family would probably beat you themselves!
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