My children not accepting new family? (stepmother, divorce, parent, smart)

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by jhanson7183

Yes of course I want help. What am I doing wrong? I'm only trying to make everyone happy

Well, for starters you moved in with another woman who is not their mother before you married her. Kids know enough, even this young, to be very uncomfortable in situations like this.

Exposing such young children to your love life was not healthy for them.

You love this woman - fine. But you should have kept your love life separated from your kids lives until you were really ready to be married.

Moving in with your girlfriend and her daughter was just a huge mistake.

Wise parents don't bring "new family" around suddenly and just expect their kids to like it and accept it.

These kinds of situations are very delicate and take a big investment of time to bring about success.

If I were you, I would move out and start over. Continuing to try to force this situation is going to have long ranging consequences that will not be happy ones.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by jhanson7183

Ok so if my gf gets upset I'm not wrong in saying that my girls can't just be expected to accept all these changes and make one big happy family unit? I've always kind of had this stance but I feel driven to write this as she takes it personally and then out on me.

I recognize she has a hard past and some insecurity problems so I'm just trying to be caring

It is early. Your GF needs to give it time. Heck my MIL likes to try to pretend their blended family is one big happy family 25 years after they got married. The truth is, it never has been, and it never will be. The kids were all teens for that one, though. Your kids are so young, the kids probably have a better chance of getting along. I haven't personally been through this, so I hesitate to give much advice. I do know you can't force it though.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Well, for starters you moved in with another woman who is not their mother before you married her. Kids know enough, even this young, to be very uncomfortable in situations like this.

Exposing such young children to your love life was not healthy for them.

You love this woman - fine. But you should have kept your love life separated from your kids lives until you were really ready to be married.

Moving in with your girlfriend and her daughter was just a huge mistake.

Wise parents don't bring "new family" around suddenly and just expect their kids to like it and accept it.

These kinds of situations are very delicate and take a big investment of time to bring about success.

If I were you, I would move out and start over. Continuing to try to force this situation is going to have long ranging consequences that will not be happy ones.

Don't you think it might have been even harder for them to accept if they didn't know the GF and daughter and all of a sudden their dad was marrying her? I'm all for keeping kids out of it until you know it is a serious relationship, but these 2 are apparently in a serious relationship.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Kibbiekat

Don't you think it might have been even harder for them to accept if they didn't know the GF and daughter and all of a sudden their dad was marrying her? I'm all for keeping kids out of it until you know it is a serious relationship, but these 2 are apparently in a serious relationship.

Obviously they wouldn't have met her at the wedding, lol.

But he is not ready to be married, and until he is, they should not have been introduced.

And by "being ready to be married", I don't mean planning a wedding. I mean being 100% financially, emotionally and spiritually ready to commit to a new wife.

[zonababe]

Originally Posted by jhanson7183

No rush persay just something we've talked about

You are forcing your kid to play house with you. Kids see things in black and white. You are not a family. You have a girlfriend with children, and you have a child. Be happy if the kids are friends, they are not family. You should tell girlfriends kids not to call you daddy.

[cleasach]

Originally Posted by jhanson7183

Ok so if my gf gets upset I'm not wrong in saying that my girls can't just be expected to accept all these changes and make one big happy family unit? I've always kind of had this stance but I feel driven to write this as she takes it personally and then out on me.

I recognize she has a hard past and some insecurity problems so I'm just trying to be caring

Your GF is immature and ridiculous if she thinks that you should just move in together and everyone should get along like the Brady Bunch. That she takes it out on you when they're not one big happy further shows her immaturity.

Do you really need confirmation that you are not wrong in saying that they can't be expected to just hop in and be one big happy family? Really?

[jhanson7183]

Originally Posted by zonababe

You are forcing your kid to play house with you. Kids see things in black and white. You are not a family. You have a girlfriend with children, and you have a child. Be happy if the kids are friends, they are not family. You should tell girlfriends kids not to call you daddy.

I agree with the daddy thing but my gf refuses to tell her daughter she can't call me that. She said her dad isn't a real father so it's not fair to break her heart and tell her the one person who has acted like her dad can't be

It's sad, but I don't like seein my girls Hurt by this new girl calling me dad

[no kudzu]

Sorry pal, you can't have it both ways. Either you are a family or you are not. No matter what, you are NOT the father of gf's kid. She has a Dad even if he's not around much and gf is wrong to tell her child she can call you daddy.

I think you moved in together way too soon. I think gf is trying to manipulate you into something you clearly are not ready for.

Get your own place and start over again with priority of your attention to your own girls. Slowly include all the kids on outings, meals, etc but let it be known whose daddy you are and whose you aren't.

If you decide to get married-after GF figures out your first priority is to your own children, have a family ceremony which unites you all. Tell your girls their mother will always be their Mom and GF(new wife) will now have a special place in this blended family. Let them decide what to call her. Don't force them to call her Mom but encourage a new pet name for GF daughter to call you like Daddy John but your girls will still be resentful if they feel you are abandoning them for new GF's daughter.

If you want to adopt GF's kid and bio dad wants to relinquish parental rights then that is a different story all together. Didn't you two even discuss any of this before you mived in together.

If your relationship falls apart imagine how confused GF's kid will be if she is allowed to call you daddy. That is now at least 2 men who have abandoned her and guess where she will look for love....not where you want her to.

[zonababe]

Originally Posted by jhanson7183

I agree with the daddy thing but my gf refuses to tell her daughter she can't call me that. She said her dad isn't a real father so it's not fair to break her heart and tell her the one person who has acted like her dad can't be

It's sad, but I don't like seein my girls Hurt by this new girl calling me dad

When her daughter calls you "daddy" it's up to you to remind her that you are not her daddy.

[Inkpoe]

The GF needs to get over it and stop making it a big deal. She also needs to sit down with her daughter and explain that relationships take time to develop and that over time, (hopefully) those 2 girls will come around... and also teach her daughter not to take things personally (already a challenge, given that GF obviously take things personally). But the way the GF is going right now-- not helping at all, but it's also cementing a bad tone. I wouldn't be surprised if over time, the GF starts taking her resentment out on those 2 girls-- further damaging the relationship.

Do.Not.Blame.Or.Drag.Your.Ex into this-- it will only make it a bigger mess and really has nothing to do with her.