Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So, I am wondering it the "ex" is a ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. And with kids 2 and 4 years old, I'm wondering how long the OP has been in the divorced/separated and in this new relationship. Obviously, just about 2 years and 9 months ago, the OP was in a serious enough relationship to still impregnate his wife/girlfriend so maybe on down the road in a year and some, this current relationship will have grown stale also. I'll have to agree with everyone else that having a man move in the house without the commitment of marriage when children is involved is not in the best interest of the child. Also, I'm older and I have seen this before the calling the boyfriend "Daddy" and I'm thinking a lot of you know that deal and the "ex" knows what is going down to - using the kid as a hook, just in case since there isn't a legal commitment? I have seen a few men struggling wanting to end a relationship with the mother but felt they were abandoning this child who had already been lovingly calling him "Daddy".
Really, I mean, they sell rings at Wal Mart. If you need a big 2 carot diamond to get married, I'd suggest taking that money and putting it down on your own apartment. There are kids involved in the middle of this. You're going to have to either go for it SOON or let it go. It's not fair to leave them hanging in limbo for another year or two, or however long it takes before you decide to make a real commitment.
It's wrong to think that marriage is going to solve this problem. It is difficult to blend families - there are lots of books on the subject - people tend to be surprised that it is not easier . . .
I recommend therapy, for all of you, ASAP. Then figure out your game plan from there.
I wonder if the girl friend is wanting her daughter to call you daddy, because it makes the girl friend feel more secure in this relationship or because she wants to make sure you are invested and tied in.
It's wrong to think that marriage is going to solve this problem. It is difficult to blend families - there are lots of books on the subject - people tend to be surprised that it is not easier . . .
I recommend therapy, for all of you, ASAP. Then figure out your game plan from there.
That is exactly what I said. There is work to be done, before marriage or the marriage will fail.
OP, advising counseling is so cliche today, but in your case it's spot on. NOT the kids, you and your gf. YOu both need to realize what you and gf are doing to these kids. The kids aren't the ones causing all this, you and gf are. Counseling and help you figure out a way to handle it to minimize the kids' stress.
Forget about getting married until you've done that.
Ok so if my gf gets upset I'm not wrong in saying that my girls can't just be expected to accept all these changes and make one big happy family unit? I've always kind of had this stance but I feel driven to write this as she takes it personally and then out on me.
I recognize she has a hard past and some insecurity problems so I'm just trying to be caring
If she gets upset then she's not the one for you. She is not compassionateto you or your child's needs. Your first and only priority (at the present time) is taking care of and meeting your childrens needs, until you are married. And even after that she would still need to be compassionate to your children as you need to be to hers.
Just to be clear, please know that marriage in and of itself will not make this situation go away. You will still have to deal with the issues of your daughters being jealous of the GF daughter who lives with you and calls you Daddy.
Don't get married thinking this will solve this. and for god's sake don't bring another child into this situation. It saddens me that people are so blind as to how their irresponsible actions impact the lives of innocent children. so selfish.
We are planning a wedding. I mean I'm planning on proposing within a year and then a marriage after. Not sure how much faster I could have done it. Moneys tight so a ring isn't just something I can plop down money for with no considerati
You are soooo not getting the point.
Your house is on fire and all you want to focus on is the weeds growing in your yard
Im not planning on having any more children so no thats not an issue.
I dont get the focus on "you shouldnt have moved in together" thats so prevalent in this topic. Yeah ok i get it, we should have "waited" till when? till i proposed to my girlfriend and we were getting married? how does that magically make anything more serious?
Unless your saying "until you were serious about the relationship" but the thing is, i am... and i dont understand why anyone would think im not taking this seriously. thats why im here asking for help and advice, because i care and want this to be a permanant and lasting relationship
call me jaded, but ive been married before, didnt work out. Having that title of husband and wife obviously didnt work to keep us together, so this time im not focused on that, im focused on everything that i feel i need to to avoid the same pitfalls, etc
So yes, we could have dated for years and taken everything much slowly, but we didnt. Here we are. I feel that our decision to move faster is kind of irrelevant at this point. we are invested. im not just walking away from a healthy and WORKING relationship because of this. My girlfriend and i are 100% completely happy. Love all of our time together, love doing family things with all the girls, etc. We truly have no major issues. we dont fight about anything, we MOSTLY parent the same, we work great as a team and as friends, etc
Of course there are some snags and this is one of them. But we cant just move back out and start from scratch now that we have committed to this family household, so that suggestion cant work
as for the naming issue. well this is how i feel, to put it bluntly. My daughter has had to sacrifice A LOT during this transition. she already has had to say goodbye to seeing her dad every day a few years ago. But you know she adjusted to that very quickly because on the flipside, when she was with daddy, it was all her and my younger daughter, all the time and i gave them all the attention and love they needed. But im sure its still hard. Now she has had to live with the idea of another little girl her same age and with the same name living with HER dad full time and getting all my attention. I have no doubts thats a TON of things to have to deal with. So you know what, my girlfriend and her daughter need to show the respect that the title of "daddy" deserves and allow that to be something between my two girls and I. They are already sharing so much with this new girl and to take everything away is just not fair. TO put the burden of her having no active father on my childrens shoulders is simply misplaced IMO.
Like i said, i feel if we can get over this hurdle with the children dynamics and boundaries everything is smooth sailing after that. We really are making plans based on all of us being together and sharing our lives together and working as one unit. I never expected it to be easy at all, i guess i just didnt expect the things that have been hard to be hard. (wouldnt have thought her daughter would call me dad, and i guess i was oblivious to how much it would affect my daugher until now)
meanwhile the things i thought would be really hard (taking care of 3 instead of 2, disciplining anothers child, etc etc) have been easier than expected
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
