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Unread 04-23-2012, 08:05 PM
 
Location: The Other California
4,258 posts, read 1,930,167 times
Reputation: 1439
"Continue by saying that maybe Santa (if he still believes in him) will not bring him anything or promise to bring him something for Christmas but then he won't bring it. Go about your day pointing out how lying, not being truthful hurts."

Um, telling lies about Santa isn't going to help anyone's child be honest. Just a thought.

As to the OP, that's a toughie. I'll tell you what has worked for my family.

1. Be scrupulously honest yourself. That's absolutely critical.

2. It also helps to be seriously Catholic. By age nine your child has been trained in making an honest examination of conscience (http://stare.community.officelive.com/Documents/EXAMINATION%20OF%20CONSCIENCE%20FOR%20CHILDREN.pdf - broken link) and going to confession at least once a month. You won't believe how much this helps.

3. Homeschool. There's a lot of social pressure at school that seems to be alleviated by telling lies, which creates a habit of lying.

4. Have lots of talks about it. Use examples from real life, especially your own. Emphasize repentance and forgiveness.

5. Read stories aloud about truth-telling heroes in which telling the truth was costly. Fill your child's head with good literature in which honesty is praised and rewarded.

6. Make sure your child knows that telling the truth about something he did wrong is always better than lying about it. Reward him with a lighter punishment when he tells the truth about it. Lots of times children lie out of fear of punishment.

7. As a corollary to #6, don't be harsh or punitive about trivialities like "spilled milk", forgetfulness, or careless mistakes. Parents who punish every minor infraction force children into a habit of lying.

8. Make sure every lie has a consequence. Nine is too old for spanking in my opinion. Push ups are better, according to his strength. Writing assignments are good too. Be creative. I don't like the idea of physically brushing his teeth for him given by another poster - that sounds more humiliating than constructive.

Last edited by WesternPilgrim; 04-23-2012 at 08:35 PM..
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Unread 04-23-2012, 08:10 PM
 
Location: The Other California
4,258 posts, read 1,930,167 times
Reputation: 1439
One more thing: If he's nine years old and he's a boy, he needs a man - preferably a father - to teach him these things too. Makes a huge difference.
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Unread 04-24-2012, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Not where I want to be.
1,155 posts, read 651,107 times
Reputation: 1966
Quote:
Originally Posted by WesternPilgrim View Post
"Continue by saying that maybe Santa (if he still believes in him) will not bring him anything or promise to bring him something for Christmas but then he won't bring it. Go about your day pointing out how lying, not being truthful hurts."

Um, telling lies about Santa isn't going to help anyone's child be honest. Just a thought.

As to the OP, that's a toughie. I'll tell you what has worked for my family.

1. Be scrupulously honest yourself. That's absolutely critical.

2. It also helps to be seriously Catholic. By age nine your child has been trained in making an honest examination of conscience (http://stare.community.officelive.com/Documents/EXAMINATION%20OF%20CONSCIENCE%20FOR%20CHILDREN.pdf - broken link) and going to confession at least once a month. You won't believe how much this helps.

3. Homeschool. There's a lot of social pressure at school that seems to be alleviated by telling lies, which creates a habit of lying.

4. Have lots of talks about it. Use examples from real life, especially your own. Emphasize repentance and forgiveness.

5. Read stories aloud about truth-telling heroes in which telling the truth was costly. Fill your child's head with good literature in which honesty is praised and rewarded.

6. Make sure your child knows that telling the truth about something he did wrong is always better than lying about it. Reward him with a lighter punishment when he tells the truth about it. Lots of times children lie out of fear of punishment.

7. As a corollary to #6, don't be harsh or punitive about trivialities like "spilled milk", forgetfulness, or careless mistakes. Parents who punish every minor infraction force children into a habit of lying.

8. Make sure every lie has a consequence. Nine is too old for spanking in my opinion. Push ups are better, according to his strength. Writing assignments are good too. Be creative. I don't like the idea of physically brushing his teeth for him given by another poster - that sounds more humiliating than constructive.
Yes...your child will definintely stop all lying if you and he are both "seriously Catholic". So if you are "seriously" any other religion, you are screwed.

And god forbid, please don't send him to school. The horrors.

Oh and if you have man around, he will stop lying.
Welcome to 1950 everyone.

But don't worry, he will have very strong arms from all the push ups.
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Unread 04-24-2012, 12:40 PM
 
6,815 posts, read 6,750,433 times
Reputation: 9057
Is is possible that you punish too harshly for minor infractions? Sometimes when parents are very strict about things kids lie because they are trying to evade punishment. Allowing him to make mistakes without punishment may help.

Also, does he see or hear adults in his life lie about things? An adult friend of mine lies in situations where telling the truth would be just as easy. When she heard her kids doing it she was surprised although I'm not sure why.

Rather than punish him the next time you catch him in a lie, tell him that you know he's lying and try to explore a bit why he feels compelled to. Even if he clams up, tell him how disappointed you are in the fact that he's lying and let it go at that.
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Unread 02-26-2014, 11:21 AM
 
2 posts, read 243 times
Reputation: 10
Default Stopping the lies

To understand why children lie, one has to start by looking at how we humans, conform with others around us. To conform with the majority is the best chance of success. To imitate, and copy our parents and other people around us, is what made us want to walk, it is what forms the language, made us try thousands of times to stand on two feet, even we fell a few thousand times before we managed to do it. It is our deepest need to conform with the people around us when we are that young, and although that need gets to be smaller as we grow older, it is also very strong in adults.

Salomon Ash - a psychologist that did many experiments on this topic - discovered that all people lie when the majority seem to think something other than what they think. His experiments is evidence that adults, that never lie normally, found them self doing it during his experiments.

A child that lies, might for example think that you have a different opinion, and he is simply trying to please you or someone else. The problem is that children are trying to please many people, not just you. Most times these things come in conflict with each other, and the child ends up in a loyalty conflict where nothing is possible, so he said one thing to you - because that is what he knows you want, and another to someone else because that is what that other person wants.

The problem is that the child is slowly becoming unable to stick with who he or she is, what he or she really things about it, and if put under this kind of pressure for a long time, the child ability to tell the truth is slowly destroyed.

We think that children are able to understand that is true and what is a lie, but the facts are that children do not think like we do at all. They see your face, they hear you voice, and inside them they just want to do what ever they can to please you, make you feel ok, not to be sad, or what ever else it is that they need to do to conform with you or the people around them. They simply do not see the point about telling the truth like we do.

If they are safe with you, free from pressure about this topic, they will slowly become stronger in them selves, more able to form up pinions for themselves, and in the ens they will start to see themselves as someone that is telling the truth. Because children become what they do every day. So if you can stop your child form telling lies, by removing the pressure, they will not lie, and slowly see themselves as someone telling the truth. Then when they grow older they will become more honest with what they say.

To stop your child from telling lies, the child must be totally safe with you, and free from pressure. This is very hard because we learn that we should punish our children for doing bad things, so our way of raising children are damaging most of the possibility we have to help them.

Children do not improve from punishment, but from seeing them selves do things, and from seeing others do things. They are copyers, of themselves and of others. Repetition is a key word. Punishment is 100% pure destruction for child development. Children never need to be punished, they always need to be talked to, loved and understood. That teaches them to listen and understand you and others, so that they can stop the bad behavior, because you teach them the skills to understand you and others by understanding them.

When I child experience something every day, they become what they experience. You make them see themselves as hones, because you make them trust you so much they dont lie... they will become honest. The same principle applies to anything else a child need to change or do...
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