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I'm sorry about your situation, I have a cousin in a similar situation. He's flunked out of college, gone through vehicles, rehab and relapse, etc. All you can do is let him know you're there for him only if and when he's ready to change and proves it. No more investments in this kid until he proves he can handle it. Good luck to you.
I cannot imagine being in your shoes, I am so sorry. It sounds to me as if you have to 'help him' hit rock bottom. The grandmother should kick him out, make him support himself. He has people around him that are enabling the behaviour. It is hard to do, but it sounds as if that may be what he needs.
Truth is, he's too old to be 'formed' into correct behaviors now. Only a significant emotional event will have a chance of changing him. He's got to hit bottom on his own....make sure you protect other family members and minimize the collateral damage.
One thing self-destructive people are good at is dragging others down with them. Don't let it happen.
100% truth here!! We can want the absolute best for our children/family/friends, but until they're sitting on the bottom, many of them won't actually lift a finger to save themselves. They'll whine to you, ask for your help, but what they really want is for someone to hand them whatever they need to continue on with their current lifestyle. They prey on our fears and protective instincts by pretending to be victims, all while repeatedly victimizing those who care about them. It's sad that you're going it alone. It really sucks when YOU are trying to help someone through tough love, and someone else is trash talking you, while enabling the person you're trying to help!!!!
100% truth here!! We can want the absolute best for our children/family/friends, but until they're sitting on the bottom, many of them won't actually lift a finger to save themselves. They'll whine to you, ask for your help, but what they really want is for someone to hand them whatever they need to continue on with their current lifestyle. They prey on our fears and protective instincts by pretending to be victims, all while repeatedly victimizing those who care about them. It's sad that you're going it alone. It really sucks when YOU are trying to help someone through tough love, and someone else is trash talking you, while enabling the person you're trying to help!!!!
This is VERY true.
OP How is the grandmother doing? He won't hesitate to make her life miserable. He won't even NOTICE. And she may be thinking she has to put up with everything because he's her grandson.
OP How is the grandmother doing? He won't hesitate to make her life miserable. He won't even NOTICE. And she may be thinking she has to put up with everything because he's her grandson.
^^ This is so true. People like that have no conscience, either! They quickly learn how to play parents against parents, grandparents against parents, anyone they need to, in order to fulfill their own selfish needs. It's pitiful really. Many of them never take responsibility for the relationships they destroy either...much less acknowledge their hand in destroying them.
He's had an array of self-inflicted problems since he was 15 and he began using drugs. (MJ then xanax then, and now, DXM) His bio father has an addiction history (past-drugs and current-etoh), also paternal uncle (drugs/etoh) and grandmother (etoh).
Son was in rehab for 5 mos(mandated by court) back in 2010 and just finished 12wks of drug classes(mandated by court). He has several felony charges (all from under age 18 but one). The one after 18 that has stuck and which he is on probation for, is battery to EMS. He was drugged up on DXM and Xanax that night and EMS was called to check his medical stability, as he was slurring and talking to a tree. When he was told he was going to the hospital, he tried to run and they held him down, causing one of them to get an abrasion when he fought. Hence, the charge.
In Feb, he was virtually GIVEN a free car. Someone in the family passed. He was given that persons car which was in mint condition. Since Feb, he somehow caused several dents in the car (front and back) and needed 2 new rims & one new tire as he must have driven up on some curb causing the damage. All since Feb 2012.
He has risky behavior. He recently fought 2 guys while at a 'friends' house who apparently tried to steal another friends wallet (a different friend, one who travelled there with him). He had to get 4 staples to his head when he was walking away and they threw a rock at his head. He did not tell me about this, I found from a post he put on FB about how he got his staples removed! When I called him and semi-freaked out on him about how dangerous it was what he did, (those guys could've had a gun or knife) he defended his actions and said he had to 'take care of' his friend whose wallet was being taken.
He chooses to keep these friends who are not really his friends, he thinks they are. They all have the same risky behavior....so he keeps them. He can't keep a girlfriend because they can't handle him. One of them was recently talking to me and she told me she found a bottle of cough syrup in his car. (DXM)
Late last week, he totalled the car. He is FINE. Thank GOD.
The week before the accident, he FINALLY got a job and a few days before the accident, he was at the local college finding out what he needs to do to start in the fall. Then the accident.
I am so sad for him. And I am angry at him. But there is nothing I can do for him. He is very stubborn. He has always REFUSED to go to NA. I had him to numerous counselors, one was very good. He refused to followup.
We have talked and talked with him until we can talk no more. He must be ok with this life. He is a very intelligent person. Very handsome person. Was in advanced classes. Now, he acts like a ghetto, risk-taking 19yo with the emotional maturity of a 15yo due to the drugs.
Even with the recent car incident, last night he was out risk taking. He butt-dialed me at around 1am. I could hear one of his friends and him talking for about 2 minutes. They were flicking a lighter and I believe they were out in some woods because I heard them talking about some of the trees and how some were SO thin and tall. Then, I heard my son say something like 'I'm fixing to go and climb up that tree!'
My son is living with his paternal grandmother. She has minimal to no, control over him. We live 9hrs away. His father is several states away....My son is stuck where he is due to another year of probation, plus he wouldn't leave his friends anyway. His dad tried to get him to move to the other state with him, offered to get the probation moved, son refused.
I fear now that he is going to lose (or has already) his brand new job. He is now car-less. Had a free like brand new car (to him) one day and now NONE-it's gone. How will he go to college now?
Apparently, this is NOT his bottom.....with the conversation that I overheard just last night.
I spoke with him last Wed when he was at the college meeting with someone re: signing up. I believe the accident happened on Thurs. His grandmother is not very nice to me and won't talk to me. Only an occasional text or email with minimal information so I am clueless pretty much. I get most of my information about him from him (this is occasional and MINIMAL), his FB page posts and a secret friend that will talk to me once in awhile, a girl that used to like him.
NOW, SINCE THE ACCIDENT, MY SON WONT ANSWER MY CALLS, I AM SURE HE DOES NOT WANT TO FACE ME AFTER TOTALLING A CAR THAT CAME FROM MY FAMILY MEMBER WHO PASSED ON.
I am so sad, so sad, so sad. I just want him to be happy....
Okay, not to be unsympathetic, but wallowing in your "sadness" is doing absolutely ZERO to save your son.
He is on self destruct and will either kill himself with his bad choices, or other innocent people unfortunate enough to be in his space at the wrong time.
Start by joining a support group that can guide you out of the sadness into proactive action.
Try NarAnon for starters...Nar-Anon Home (http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html - broken link)
IF this were my child, I would beg, borrow or steal to get him in a theraputic program like those Dr. Phil places kids in for these kinds of issues. They have tremendous success in turning kids around.
I can't tell YOU what to do, but I can tell you what I would do.
I would step back and take my emotions out of it, as in "he's my son, he's my son, he's my son....", you need to protect your own mental and emotional health. Worrying accomplishes nothing.
With his background/family history/etc., it would've been a miracle if he HADN'T had sort of drug/emotional problems.
I would step back, realizing that our sons (I have a son), are not *really* "our" sons....we are the channel through which they arrived here ~ in reality, he belongs to the Lord Jesus Christ. He does not belong to you. He belongs to God.
Let go and let God, i.e., I would pray and tell the Lord that I was taking MY hands off the situation and that I TRUST in the Lord to protect this boy and bring him to safety.....then I would stop worrying. Our children are not our own; they belong to God. Give him to God and see what He will do.....
I don't know this whole story...but when was the last time you lived with him? Why do you live in another state? What about his Father? Does the Grandmother want him? Does she support him? The court can be petioned to allow him to live with you. And serve his probation in another jurisdiction. This is commonly done.
If you truly want to help your son, maybe he should be living with you. Even if he does not want to...if the Grandmother throws him out he won't have much choice.
^^ This is so true. People like that have no conscience, either! They quickly learn how to play parents against parents, grandparents against parents, anyone they need to, in order to fulfill their own selfish needs. It's pitiful really. Many of them never take responsibility for the relationships they destroy either...much less acknowledge their hand in destroying them.
Yes, the first step the OP and everyone else can take would be to not allow his manipulation of them or using of them any longer.
He's able to continue because of various enablers. It's hard to say if it's too late or not - only time will tell and some people are just not going to reform no matter what anyone does for them, to them.
If the grandmother allows him to mooch off her - there may not be much either parent could do.
I know one family who allowed their drug addicted son to live in their home because they didn't want to find out he was sleeping or laying unconscious in some ditch and wanted him to at least have food to eat and a safe place to sleep. They put up with him stealing to pawn many of their items including his sister's items, things she had worked to buy for herself.
Finally they got fed up and called the police on him themselves and he was put in some program and had to live in a half way house in some other city and he changed and is living a responsible life now. As hard as it was to have him spend time behind bars, they had to let go and also realize that was the only way to keep him from his bad friends and let him clean up long enough to actually start thinking.
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