Parents Play Favorites When Helping Out Adult Kids (daughters, 19 year old, grandfather)
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It got so bad, I removed myself from any part of his wedding planning, etc. I simply told them I wasn't interested in helping and I wanted no part of it. I would show up, smile, and that was it.
Well, that turned into a nightmare, as in a fit of misguided idiotic apology, they put MY name on the invitation as one of the hosts, and the guests kept contacting me for help with this or that...and during the actual ceremony times, the guests were asking me, "What are we doing after this? Where are the chairs? Who is driving people to that?" Holy crap...nightmare.
Absolutely galling. Not only were we dissed at our own wedding, we got no present. AND, on top of that, we are the ones they always turn to when they need reliable help or whatever.
You have to wonder what goes through some people's heads, don't you?
There was a lot of drama before our wedding too. We didn't let it ruin our day, but the weeks leading up to it were just so stressful. A lot of the joy in wedding planning was stolen from DH and I because of pettiness.
You have to wonder what goes through some people's heads, don't you?
There was a lot of drama before our wedding too. We didn't let it ruin our day, but the weeks leading up to it were just so stressful. A lot of the joy in wedding planning was stolen from DH and I because of pettiness.
Yes. It hurts to think that they actually had a conversation about whether or not it was worth it to go to our wedding. They didn't have much excuse after I paid for their airfare, car, and a week of hotel.
But to this day, it hurts.
And of course, I am the ahole because I don't really feel close to them or trust them or want to be around them very much. Because it still hurts.
They are acting like they are all interested in our son now, but I always feel so conflicted. If it were my brother's son, would it be different?
Doesn't matter. He and his wife broke up less than a year later. How's that for irony?
If it is so bad then cut them off, cut them out of your life.
I haven't talked to my mom in the longest time. Maybe brief phone calls to ask a question but its extremely brief. I am very happy with how things are right now.
Maybe you guys should try the same? Just stop talking to them and dealing with them.
I spend a lot of time with TG's family and I even told him last night being around them I actually feel like a family when we're all together.
But cut them off and get them out of your life and see how that works for you.
It got so bad, I removed myself from any part of his wedding planning, etc. I simply told them I wasn't interested in helping and I wanted no part of it. I would show up, smile, and that was it.
Well, that turned into a nightmare, as in a fit of misguided idiotic apology, they put MY name on the invitation as one of the hosts, and the guests kept contacting me for help with this or that...and during the actual ceremony times, the guests were asking me, "What are we doing after this? Where are the chairs? Who is driving people to that?" Holy crap...nightmare.
Absolutely galling. Not only were we dissed at our own wedding, we got no present. AND, on top of that, we are the ones they always turn to when they need reliable help or whatever.
You know, I could probably be bothered a whole lot less by my parents' (mom now) enabling of my "special" siblings, if those same enabling parents didn't try to make you feel guilty, because you won't feel sorry for and enable them too! My mother once asked me, "Why do you have such a chip on your shoulder about _______? He is your brother!! You need to try harder to have a relationship with him." My response?..."Mom, I gotta go. I got dinner on the stove."
That's one of the biggest issues here isn't it? Parents who choose to enable their kids, constantly do for some and not for others, but then suck you into it by TELLING you what they're doing for that sibling and even complaining about it at times....but you're not supposed to have an opinion on it.
In my family, if I share anything about my own kids with my mother, she will consistently give me advice ....all leaning toward not enabling them, not taking "care" of them, making them stand on their own two feet by earning their own way, etc. and yet that very same woman does not follow those rules with all of her own children. That tells you she knows what she should do, but just can't!
You know, I could probably be bothered a whole lot less by my parents' (mom now) enabling of my "special" siblings, if those same enabling parents didn't try to make you feel guilty, because you won't feel sorry for and enable them too! My mother once asked me, "Why do you have such a chip on your shoulder about _______? He is your brother!! You need to try harder to have a relationship with him." My response?..."Mom, I gotta go. I got dinner on the stove."
That's one of the biggest issues here isn't it? Parents who choose to enable their kids, constantly do for some and not for others, but then suck you into it by TELLING you what they're doing for that sibling and even complaining about it at times....but you're not supposed to have an opinion on it.
In my family, if I share anything about my own kids with my mother, she will consistently give me advice ....all leaning toward not enabling them, not taking "care" of them, making them stand on their own two feet by earning their own way, etc. and yet that very same woman does not follow those rules with all of her own children. That tells you she knows what she should do, but just can't!
Talk about hitting the nail on the head, mel! Yes, this is very much a HUGE part of all of this. I don't want to hear how Special Sibling gets all of this crap they don't need while the rest of us are struggling to raise families. It drives me up the wall.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head, mel! Yes, this is very much a HUGE part of all of this. I don't want to hear how Special Sibling gets all of this crap they don't need while the rest of us are struggling to raise families. It drives me up the wall.
Then get it out of your life.
I watch my mom and my brother get everything paid for them, it sucks. TG and I work and live off what we make and we don't eat out and we don't go do anything. My mom and brother do anything but sit at home, they don't go anywhere except out to do fun stuff.
Guess who is happier in life? Me and TG, anytime I talk to my mom she's throwing a fit of some sort, yelling at someone or flustered and in a rush and panicked about something. My brother is miserable living with her. TG and I are nothing but happy and living life.
Quit talking to them for awhile. That's what I am doing. I hang out with my brother though, hes not the issue, he's just a product of his environment and he needs someone else besides my mom who is an adult to help guide him in life. TG and I take him out to eat and hang out with him. Pick him up if he needs to get out of one of the many bad situations he gets himself into.
But do what I am doing, cut them out for a bit, hang out with the ones who you like, but just talk to them in small doses and it won't seem as bad.
You don't need their BS and negativity, just like I don't need my moms and when she can learn to be kinder I'll start talking to her a little more.
Ironically when it comes time to take care of aging or ill parents guess who gets that responsibility? You think the coddled kid who took money even as an adult and almost bankrupted the old folks is going to lift a finger to help?
NOOOOOO. they are too busy, don't have the room, can't take off work or any other excuse. So the kid who kept his/her mouth shut the whole time Special Sibling got bailed out time and again is the one whose family must make major adjustments to live their lives around the needs of the sick parents. Ask me how I know.
But karma is a biotch. Special Sibling never lived past 59 because of alcohol related diseases and I got the inheritance (what was left after he almost ruined my mother).
Ironically when it comes time to take care of aging or ill parents guess who gets that responsibility? You think the coddled kid who took money even as an adult and almost bankrupted the old folks is going to lift a finger to help?
NOOOOOO. they are too busy, don't have the room, can't take off work or any other excuse. So the kid who kept his/her mouth shut the whole time Special Sibling got bailed out time and again is the one whose family must make major adjustments to live their lives around the needs of the sick parents. Ask me how I know.
But karma is a biotch. Special Sibling never lived past 59 because of alcohol related diseases and I got the inheritance (what was left after he almost ruined my mother).
Yeah you ended up taking care of them because you let it happen.
I won't be taking care of my mom, she wants to give him all this special treatment now, he can give it back to her later. I won't allow my life to again be ripped apart by my mom later in life. I will make sure she is safe and has a place to live but I won't be footing the bill or letting her live with me.
In time, I came to understand my father's mind set. Once I looked at this from his perspective, it made sense in his world view. It doesn't make sense in mine. In fact, I'd do the opposite. Given the choice between helping a daughter or son, I'd choose to help my daughter because I know that women have fewer opportunities in life and need every bit of help they can get just to be able to make 70% as much as a man.
In my dad's world, I would not need a job. I would get married and have babies and stay home and raise them. That is what he expected to happen. It's not what happened. Before he died, he did tell me he was proud I'd gotten my engineering degree. He just didn't see that society was changing. He didn't realize that I would end up the one supporting my family for many years. He didn't realize I'd need an education to do that.
My father actually told me to turn down my scholarship to study engineering. He said that it belonged to a man who would need to support a family some day. None of this has anything to do with love or fairness. It has to do with percieved need. My father percieved my brother to have a need for an education and me not to have that need. He paid for the need. From my perspective, this is unfair BUT from his not and from the perspective that he really owed me nothing, again not. It's just feeding the wrong wolf to get my nose out of joint over.
I was never angry with him for this. I just wished we'd been rich and he could have paid for all of us to go to school. We weren't so I accepted it. What I really felt was unfair was that I was turned down for all financial aid based on my parents incomes (divorced parents so I had to claim both household's incomes) when my mom couldn't help me if she wanted to (she and my step dad saw no need for college either. College was for ritzy people.) and my father had said no. Now, the government, I do expect to be fair. I should have, at least, qualified for student loans. Thank goodness there are community colleges where you can pay as you go and transfer scholarships.
Eh he perceived you as less worthy then a man if he treated you like this im sorry. I fail to see how you can brush it off so easily.
Frankly, it doesn't matter whether the chicken came before the egg here. Whether the child was born that way or parents made them that way by helping out. Either way, once precident is set, the parents have no choice but to continue.
The fault here, however, lies in the person who is getting bent out of shape over this. NOTHING our parents have is ours. It's theirs. They and they alone get to make the decision as to what to do with it. The problem is children thinking that fair = equitable distribution when that may not be the case.
Whether I would toss a child out and tell them to sink or swim would depend on whether or not they actually have the ability to swim.
Of course you have a choice, you toss them out and let them learn to survive on their own. And helping one child out just because they refuse to work to better themselves at the expense of the other is not fair. And really is it worth the dissolving of relationships a parent ends up causing over it?
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You have to wonder what goes through some people's heads, don't you? 
(what was left after he almost ruined my mother).
