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Actually I do. Anthropologically based ones and the ideas are not really mine. Wish I could remember when/where I learned this, but it does jive with my own observations, and I'm guessing it will with yours.
Woman carry a child in pregnancy ( most adoptions are also female driven) we know who the mother of a child is, with absolute certainty. The mother's connection to the child is strong, and usually biologically based, reinforced by hormones that are released during pregnancy and childbirth.
Men's connection with a child begins at birth, not before. It is more tenuous and more connected to his relationship with the child's mother, than with the child directly.
They have less invested in the child, literally.
Men are also more likely to leave their children and start new families.
They can transfer their allegiance from their first family to their second, because they have invested less to begin with.
The negative side of men's ability to accept another man's child, is their ability to abandon their own. Many men through out history, have several families. It's nothing new. When their wife or partner leaves, or dies, they are apt to replace that partner quickly. And more children often follow.
When a step-family is formed (just as with an "intact" family) the mother sets the tone, is responsible for creating traditions, holiday celebrations gift giving room assignment and all functions relating to hospitality. A woman can have several children with different men and they are ALL her children and in most cases are equally welcome in her home for their entire lives.
Half sibling through the mother, are closer for this reason. Woman do not give up their young easily! Even if they despise the father.
The negative side of that is that this powerful love that we feel for "our own" children, makes us extremely protective and vigilant to any perceived slight or injustice inflicted on their OWN CHILD.
Back to anthro, when resources such as food were limited, a mother's instinct to protect her young kicks in, and they will do anything in their power to ensure not just that their child gets enough, but the most!
The father is more intact and less hypervigilant. This translates into greater acceptance of children that are not his own.
These are primitive pasterns that have been with us since evolution.
They can, They can also greive for years if the parents breakup..
and the bio will not let the step see the child anymore...
Speaking from experience.. As the step..
Hi Magritte - yes and no. It depends on the kids, the biological parent, and the maturity of the step parent. I have stepped twice - the first time I was too young and we didn't have the kids often enough. It was difficult and we didn't really bond. I did love them, but it was hard.
The second set of kids are like my own. I love them deeply still, even after they've grown and started families of their own and their father and I are no longer together. I "feel" them when they are in pain. I sense them before they contact me. I call them out of the blue right when they need me. This started within hours of them moving under my roof. It's been really magical.
The most important lesson I can give a new step parent is this: Don't try and pretend you are the parent, even if the bio parent is no longer living. I stumbled onto that. I had them call me Auntie - which is an honorific in Hawaii. And I told them, "you already have a mommy who loves you. So call me Aunty." Many years later we were sitting on the couch watching the TV show Brandie. One of the girls in the show was disrespectful to her stepmother. I suddenly realized I hadn't ever heard that, "Your NOT MY MOM!" Thing... and I thanked them and asked why. One of the girls said, "Easy. You never claimed you were our mom!" Powerful lesson for me! Just had to share.
I do believe a step parent and the bio parent (their spouse) need to sit down and create some hard and fast rules, both for themselves and for the kids. In these situations, kids crave structure. If you leave everything to chance or keep the boundaries hazy, they can get out of control as a way to force you to show you love them. We had house rules posted on our refrigerator. We held very loving and supportive weekly family meetings. (as in - here's what you're doing good, we love how you do this, and let's help you work on that.)
They are pretty well organized to this day. I'm so proud of my girls and how they turned out!!
Actually I do. Anthropologically based ones and the ideas are not really mine. Wish I could remember when/where I learned this, but it does jive with my own observations, and I'm guessing it will with yours.
Woman carry a child in pregnancy ( most adoptions are also female driven) we know who the mother of a child is, with absolute certainty. The mother's connection to the child is strong, and usually biologically based, reinforced by hormones that are released during pregnancy and childbirth.
Men's connection with a child begins at birth, not before. It is more tenuous and more connected to his relationship with the child's mother, than with the child directly.
They have less invested in the child, literally.
Men are also more likely to leave their children and start new families.
They can transfer their allegiance from their first family to their second, because they have invested less to begin with.
When a step-family is formed (just as with an "intact" family) the mother sets the tone, is responsible for creating traditions, holiday celebrations gift giving room assignment and all functions relating to hospitality. A woman can have several children with different men and they are ALL her children and in most cases are equally welcome in her home for their entire lives.
The negative side of that is that this powerful love that we feel for "our own" children, makes us extremely protective and vigilant to any perceived slight or injustice inflicted on their OWN CHILD.
What are your thoughts?
I disagree with you that a woman who has children by different men welcomes all children into her life the same way. Women(or men) who move on to new partners have no problems marginalizing the roles of the children they had by a different partner...often this is somehow a condition of the relationship. They might be all her children, but that doesn't mean they are all treated the same way.
Here is one example. Mom remarries. Her oldest child is not the bio child of her current husband. Oldest child graduates from high school, goes to college. Pretty much from the time oldest child graduates she gets the message that there is not really a place for her anymore within the household. They don't even have a room in the house anymore. There is little emotional support, no financial support, not even a room to crash in at break. The message is clear...they are adults, and now the priority is the kids they have with the new guy. I work with a lot of college students and have seen that scenario play out a few times with some young people I know. Very sad.
I disagree with you that a woman who has children by different men welcomes all children into her life the same way. Women(or men) who move on to new partners have no problems marginalizing the roles of the children they had by a different partner...often this is somehow a condition of the relationship. They might be all her children, but that doesn't mean they are all treated the same way.
Here is one example. Mom remarries. Her oldest child is not the bio child of her current husband. Oldest child graduates from high school, goes to college. Pretty much from the time oldest child graduates she gets the message that there is not really a place for her anymore within the household. They don't even have a room in the house anymore. There is little emotional support, no financial support, not even a room to crash in at break. The message is clear...they are adults, and now the priority is the kids they have with the new guy. I work with a lot of college students and have seen that scenario play out a few times with some young people I know. Very sad.
Yes I've heard of situations such as that. I wrote "generally" in my original post, and by that I meant with greater frequency than it happens with the situation of a Step Mother and biological father.
That was pretty much my own situation. After college it was over. My room was turned into a guest room and I knew I needed to get my own place. There was no emotional support or financial support.
The inequity can be seen in my half brother, who graduated from college eight years ago, flunked out of an MBA program and is living in the house in which I grew up rent free. He gambles, drives a BMW, and teaches Theater Arts at summer camps, a job that I had while still in college.
My statements are not from my personal experience. They are from courses that I took in college. They can, in my experience, be backed up by anecdotal evidence, including but not limited to my own.
To sum it up, it can happen when a mother takes a new partner. It happens with a greater frequency when a father remarries and a Step Mother is in the picture. And it's a well known fact that men remarry more frequently than do women. Men do not do well "on their own."
I disagree with you that a woman who has children by different men welcomes all children into her life the same way. Women(or men) who move on to new partners have no problems marginalizing the roles of the children they had by a different partner...often this is somehow a condition of the relationship. They might be all her children, but that doesn't mean they are all treated the same way.
Here is one example. Mom remarries. Her oldest child is not the bio child of her current husband. Oldest child graduates from high school, goes to college. Pretty much from the time oldest child graduates she gets the message that there is not really a place for her anymore within the household. They don't even have a room in the house anymore. There is little emotional support, no financial support, not even a room to crash in at break. The message is clear...they are adults, and now the priority is the kids they have with the new guy. I work with a lot of college students and have seen that scenario play out a few times with some young people I know. Very sad.
That's terrible. I am in the exact situation you used as an example. I can't imagine treating ODS that way.
Actually I do. Anthropologically based ones and the ideas are not really mine. Wish I could remember when/where I learned this, but it does jive with my own observations, and I'm guessing it will with yours.
Woman carry a child in pregnancy ( most adoptions are also female driven) we know who the mother of a child is, with absolute certainty. The mother's connection to the child is strong, and usually biologically based, reinforced by hormones that are released during pregnancy and childbirth.
Men's connection with a child begins at birth, not before. It is more tenuous and more connected to his relationship with the child's mother, than with the child directly.
They have less invested in the child, literally.
Men are also more likely to leave their children and start new families.
They can transfer their allegiance from their first family to their second, because they have invested less to begin with.
The negative side of men's ability to accept another man's child, is their ability to abandon their own. Many men through out history, have several families. It's nothing new. When their wife or partner leaves, or dies, they are apt to replace that partner quickly. And more children often follow.
When a step-family is formed (just as with an "intact" family) the mother sets the tone, is responsible for creating traditions, holiday celebrations gift giving room assignment and all functions relating to hospitality. A woman can have several children with different men and they are ALL her children and in most cases are equally welcome in her home for their entire lives.
Half sibling through the mother, are closer for this reason. Woman do not give up their young easily! Even if they despise the father.
The negative side of that is that this powerful love that we feel for "our own" children, makes us extremely protective and vigilant to any perceived slight or injustice inflicted on their OWN CHILD.
Back to anthro, when resources such as food were limited, a mother's instinct to protect her young kicks in, and they will do anything in their power to ensure not just that their child gets enough, but the most!
The father is more intact and less hypervigilant. This translates into greater acceptance of children that are not his own.
These are primitive pasterns that have been with us since evolution.
I don't think a year is enough time to form a strong bond with a step child. It's enough that you describe them as "wonderful" at this point. I certainly wouldn't rush to add another baby to the mix though. Why not give your ready-made family a chance to settle in first?
Because I'm 39 and I want my own family, I wont let somone elses previous life choices/mistakes dictate my future in creating my- own family.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - DO NOT get your wife pregnant.
You are not ready for parenthood.
Why because I don't love her children yet, please get over yourself!
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