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Wow. This is awesome. I very well may use this. Thanks Mel!
You are so welcome Mags. Not only my father, but other grandparents have carelessly pitted my children against each other at one point or another. It is intolerable. Those are YOUR babies and you're a good mom.
Perhaps putting it down on paper for her, so that she can see the problems she created and the pain it caused her kids, will smack her alongside the heart! If not....at least you've put it out there. "I am MOM, hear me ROAR!"
She placed a hurtful thing between two brothers, with her need to single out your youngest for special treatment....shame on her!
Right now, I am in cool down mode. I do not even want to see the woman right now, let alone communicate with her. She is continuing with her manipulation with DH, but thankfully I married a smart man and it's not having the desired effect.
Right now, I am in cool down mode. I do not even want to see the woman right now, let alone communicate with her. She is continuing with her manipulation with DH, but thankfully I married a smart man and it's not having the desired effect.
Magritte, I think if you want to write a letter do so - you might feel better. But if YOU write it, it will in her mind, only reinforce what she must already ( and incorrectly) thinks. That you are in charge and her son is being manipulated. And he is unfairly burdened by having to care for another man's child.
If you DH writes the letter that was suggested by Bechemel, she will think that you told him to do so, and it was not his idea. It's a great letter, but from what you have written, she won't be receptive to it.
The only thing you can do is this. I think some people might think I'm extreme for suggesting it, but it will send the message. And you will get some respite. I happen to think that what she did to your sons - to both of them was extreme. She made a statement in the giving of that gift. her statement was that she has a grandson, your younger; and that no one was going to force her to treat them equally. She knew this would lead to a blow up. And so it did.
My suggestion is this. If your husband agrees, take a six month moratorium from her. Your husband should tell her that her unwillingness to accept your older son has rendered her an unwholesome influence on his family.
She has hurt him and both boys deeply. He does not think that at this point she will change on her own, so she should see a therapist. He will come to the first meeting to explain the issue. ( and to ensure that the truth is not distorted)
Any therapist will see through her.
DH can go to other meetings, strictly for therapy. No out for coffee after or anything of that nature. It's not a social event.
After the 6 months, if you are convinced that she has changed, and the therapist agrees, let her back into your lives, but keep limits and boundaries. No dropping over, no grand gifts without clearance from both parents, and visits that have a beginning and an end. Not hanging out. And please, no sleep overs. No more barging through the front door.
Either she will consent to this or she won't. You win either way. You and DH retake control of your life and your son's are freed from her calculated gift giving.
It might sound harsh, but what she did was harsh.
I have known you on CD for several years and you sound like a devoted mother. Do not let this woman put a wedge between your sons or you and your family.
She sounds manipulative. She throws a hissy fit about the toy and then texts like nothing is wrong? That's a manipulator. It is like a trap. You write back thinking "Hmm, she got over it and is being nice again, great." Then she will pull something else at some future time and this situation will rear itself over and over again. I feel bad for you having to deal with such a person.
I am very thankful that my innards were created in such a way that I have zero problem cutting toxic people out of my life and still sleeping soundly at night with no regrets. Life is entirely too short to put up with stresses that can be removed from the picture.
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