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Old 05-15-2012, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
675 posts, read 664,983 times
Reputation: 1065
Are some of you missing the fact that the children molested are also the Dads children?? If she leaves, gets out, files for divorce- what do you think will happen?? Dad goes to court and is given visitation. Who do you think will be there?? The SS.

Parents sometimes try to cover this up because they don't want their child to be labeled as a sex offender.

To the OP- has there been any discussion of this?

Also, does your county have online records? You can see when the court dates if the records are online.
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Old 05-16-2012, 05:09 AM
 
9,824 posts, read 10,261,698 times
Reputation: 8714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly8 View Post
Are some of you missing the fact that the children molested are also the Dads children?? If she leaves, gets out, files for divorce- what do you think will happen?? Dad goes to court and is given visitation. Who do you think will be there?? The SS.

Parents sometimes try to cover this up because they don't want their child to be labeled as a sex offender.

To the OP- has there been any discussion of this?

Also, does your county have online records? You can see when the court dates if the records are online.
I don't think anyone is missing this important piece of information. However, if there is a restraining order against the ss then the father will have to figure out how to keep the kids separate. If there is no restraining order the OP will have no way to enforce separation.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,065 posts, read 856,664 times
Reputation: 1889
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Domestic violence laws, at least in my state.


The law doesn't specify what abuse is and things can be illegal without it being abuse. Just because a spouse threatens to take the kids away doesn't mean that the other spouse is being abused. It does not sound like the OP is in an abusive relationship to me. She just doesn't want to tell her husband about what she's doing because she doesn't want him to talk her out of it.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:40 PM
 
400 posts, read 218,222 times
Reputation: 410
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly8 View Post
Are some of you missing the fact that the children molested are also the Dads children?? If she leaves, gets out, files for divorce- what do you think will happen?? Dad goes to court and is given visitation. Who do you think will be there?? The SS.

Parents sometimes try to cover this up because they don't want their child to be labeled as a sex offender.

To the OP- has there been any discussion of this?

Also, does your county have online records? You can see when the court dates if the records are online.
I guess I was thinking that if she brought the whole situation to the attention of the court when he went to get visitation, the court would side with her and place a condition for the visitation on not having SS around (even without the restraining order). I have no way of knowing that for sure though.

I am also thinking that if OP is honest about her resolve and intentions DH will be more likely to listen. Actions speak a lot louder than arguements and she has mentioned that he is trying to wear her down with guilt and pressure to get her to agree to having SS over.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
666 posts, read 465,514 times
Reputation: 1149
This is all just so disturbing on so many levels.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:43 PM
 
8 posts, read 7,304 times
Reputation: 22
I called the prosecutors office today and was told the next court date. They told me that they haven't called me yet because the other court dates were just for him to plead guilty or not guilty and the other one was not important either. She said we will get a phone call closer to the court date for the prosecutor to meet with me and ds. But she also said that it will most likely be postponed. The way I see it, until I find out what happens at the court date, I can't take a chance with a restraining order. He's pleading not guilty, and if he gets off, I dont' know if I could get a restraining order. There whole defense is that ds initiated it, and ss hasn't hit puberty so it was nothing sexual. From what ss says they were playing a game and ss wanted the remote, ds said only if you suck my weiner. However, even IF that is the truth, he learned it because ss had done that to him 6 months prior. I feel alot more confident though knowing that the case was not dismissed.
As for DH, I'm just waiting it out. It's not like we fight constantly, in face most of the time we get along fine. As long as this subject isnt' brought up. It's not the best situation I know, but until I know for certain that I can get a restraining order, I can't leave him. When the timing is right, when no kids are around, I will sit down and try to talk to him. I'm going to call tomorrow and get dd in counseling when school gets out in a few weeks. So hopefully we can talk there, that way there is another person. I definatly know dd wants dh to go with her at some point so she can tell him how she feels. Maybe that will knock some sense into him. I doubt it though. He's always put ss first. His entire family has always put him first. When we told my in laws about what was going on, their first reactions were 1. they didn't want anyone to find out and ruin ss future and 2. they were afraid dd would go to school and tell everyone. The only good thing about them taking his side, is that they hardly ever see my kids, and they never keep them. All I can do at this point is keep my kids safe, and have a plan.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:47 PM
 
1,226 posts, read 906,632 times
Reputation: 1811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizita View Post
The law doesn't specify what abuse is and things can be illegal without it being abuse. Just because a spouse threatens to take the kids away doesn't mean that the other spouse is being abused. It does not sound like the OP is in an abusive relationship to me. She just doesn't want to tell her husband about what she's doing because she doesn't want him to talk her out of it.
I agree. If I ever felt the need to explore my options and consider divorce, I can't imagine making a phone call in front of him. I would hope he wouldn't make that phone call in front of me, either. I would think calling while I was right there would just be mean and childish. Once it gets to that point, I'm sure its not going to be a total surprise when you discuss it with the other party.
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Old 05-16-2012, 11:43 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 1,335,615 times
Reputation: 2442
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtMommy View Post
I will try to explain this as simple as possible, but it is quite the complicated situation. In December we found out that my ss(12) had bitten my ds(5) penis. As we got more information we found out that SS had licked ds, and vice versa. It had also happened back in April 2011. SS also admitted to rubbing his penis on ds(7) butt. CPS was involved, and charges where filed against ss. DS(7) is autistic and non-verbal, so his case was dropped because of no proof, even though SS admitted to it to us. Anyways, bio-mom and step-dad went and hired a lawyer, and are now arguing that he had not hit maturity yet, that is was not sexual, and the charges should be dropped. Which will more than likely happen since step-dad is a sherriff, and has been pulling strings left and right. We were never even informed of the court dates so far.
Anyways, my main issue is that DH is pushing really hard to start letting ss come back around. Since the day we found out, he has not been around my kids. DH spends plenty of time with him outside our house though. SS started counceling the beginning of Feb., went 4 times, then stopped for 2 months, before just going back last week. He is now going every other week. We are not involved in his counseling because they psychologist refuses to talk to DH. DH will not listen to me that he has a right to be involved, and has done nothing about it. I am being blamed for ss not being around. And I absolutely hate DH for not realizing that all I'm doing is protecting our kids. SS has had no consequence for what he did except that I don't let him around my kids. He was not in trouble for one day. In face within days of us finding out he was taken on a suprise vacation because everyone feels he needs to be shown that he is loved. Even my in-laws are all about SS right now. They have seen my boys a handful of times since this happened while SS is at their house every other day and most weekends. It just makes me sick. This is also not the first time SS has done this. When he was 9 and his sister at his mothers was 5 he molested her too. No charges were filed and he went to counseling that time too.
At this point I pretty much have two choices. I leave DH, file a restraining order agains SS, hope that I get it, and disrupt my kids lives. Or I give in, let ss around, and watch my kids like a hawk for the rest of their lives. I'm ready to leave DH. I hate him with everything I have. He actually told me a couple weeks ago that I need to get over this, that ss just made one little mistake, and I'm the only person who thinks this is a big deal. It seems to me that his only focus is on SS. However, if I cannot get a restraining order, since the case will most likely be dropped, then I cannot be around when ss is around my kids. DH will be able to do whatever he wants, and I know he will not be supervising them 100% of the time. So if I give in and let ss around my kids, 100% supervised, and never overnight, does that make me a bad parent? CPS has told us from day1 that it was at our discretion on whether to let him around, however if anything were to happen again, we would be held responsible and possible have our kids taken away. DS(5) counselor says that families do this all the time and it is possible, as long as we have good rules and we agree to follow them. I'm just afraid that since it seems obvious that DH is in denial, that we will not agree on the rules. Maybe at first, but eventually it will become a daily fight. I'm also afraid that I will not be able to be nice to SS. I hate him for what he has done. And I hate his parents for letting him get away with it. I can't see me being ok with him being around.
There is so many other issues with this situation.
Do what you need to do to protect your kids..
My b/f was molested by his dads ss and nothing was done, my ex was 9 and had to run away into fields and then finally become part of the system. He still remembers the scars by the acts committed by the ss
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Old 05-31-2012, 10:28 AM
 
8 posts, read 7,304 times
Reputation: 22
Well I told DH that I wanted a divorce. We got into a huge fight Friday because he got a phone call from the school from the principal letting DH know that SS has admitted to trying to kill himself twice. DH of course automatically blames me for it because ss can't handle not being a part of this family. My view is that his "couseling" sure isnt' doing that much good. Nobody even knew about it and it happened months ago!! I told DH that he needs to leave and get custody of SS because that is the only possible way to get him help, obviously mom and step-dad arent' doing a damn thing. It makes me so mad.
So I have to figure out how to do this. My kids get out of school on Friday, so I'm waiting until then for sure. My problem is that I work every day except Monday. I guess that can be solved with finding a babysitter though. Next issue is the house. I bought it before we got married but when we lived together. We owe more than it is worth, and I can't afford it alone. My dad just so happens to be moving in with his girlfriend soon, and his house is paid off. So I know I can rent his house and he will work with me on payments until I get things sorted out. My main issue is that it is a town away, and I will have to move my kids to a differant school. Plus it is in the same town as my crazy alcoholic mother. It's all too confusing. I'm overwhelmed.
When I told DH that I was done, he didn't seem to care much. I think he doesnt' believe me. he just doesnt' get it. DS5 got so upset with him last night because he wanted to play catch and it was too late. So DS5 started in about how DH never has time to play with him because DH always goes to play with SS. That of course was my fault too because if I let ss around then DH would have more time with all the kids. It's just so aggravating.
So if anyone has any advice on how to prepare for divorce, I would appreciate it. I don't want to do or say anthing that will bite me in the ass. I'm going to contact a lawyer next week but it will be about a month or so before I can start moving. I imagine DH won't leave either so we will have to survive under the same roof. So yeah, and advice would be helpful.
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Old 05-31-2012, 12:08 PM
 
1,466 posts, read 819,326 times
Reputation: 3906
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtMommy View Post
Well I told DH that I wanted a divorce. We got into a huge fight Friday because he got a phone call from the school from the principal letting DH know that SS has admitted to trying to kill himself twice. DH of course automatically blames me for it because ss can't handle not being a part of this family. My view is that his "couseling" sure isnt' doing that much good. Nobody even knew about it and it happened months ago!! I told DH that he needs to leave and get custody of SS because that is the only possible way to get him help, obviously mom and step-dad arent' doing a damn thing. It makes me so mad.
So I have to figure out how to do this. My kids get out of school on Friday, so I'm waiting until then for sure. My problem is that I work every day except Monday. I guess that can be solved with finding a babysitter though. Next issue is the house. I bought it before we got married but when we lived together. We owe more than it is worth, and I can't afford it alone. My dad just so happens to be moving in with his girlfriend soon, and his house is paid off. So I know I can rent his house and he will work with me on payments until I get things sorted out. My main issue is that it is a town away, and I will have to move my kids to a differant school. Plus it is in the same town as my crazy alcoholic mother. It's all too confusing. I'm overwhelmed.
When I told DH that I was done, he didn't seem to care much. I think he doesnt' believe me. he just doesnt' get it. DS5 got so upset with him last night because he wanted to play catch and it was too late. So DS5 started in about how DH never has time to play with him because DH always goes to play with SS. That of course was my fault too because if I let ss around then DH would have more time with all the kids. It's just so aggravating.
So if anyone has any advice on how to prepare for divorce, I would appreciate it. I don't want to do or say anthing that will bite me in the ass. I'm going to contact a lawyer next week but it will be about a month or so before I can start moving. I imagine DH won't leave either so we will have to survive under the same roof. So yeah, and advice would be helpful.
I don't have any advice for this situation, but I am sorry you and your kids are going through this. You are doing the right thing by putting your kids first though. If you didn't, no one would. Sounds like you have a good plan too, although I don't know what the situation is with your mother, but as long she's just in the same ciy, not the same house, you should be okay. Your kids will probably benefit from a new school and new home. I just hope everything works out for you, and thanks for the update.
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