Looking back on things I've done and cringing... (custody, teens, out of control)

[LaFemme86]

I don’t know what’s brought this one recently—maybe because my husband and I are talking about having children of our own soon or because I read this board so much—but I’ve been thinking back on when I was a teen and cringing at some of the hardships I put my parents, namely my mom, through.

What do you look back at and cringe about? Did you ever apologize to your parents for the crap you put them through when you were younger?

I was a pretty bad teenager, acting out on a difficult childhood, and put my mom through hell. Fortunately I got it all out of my system and have moved on to be a successful and happy adult. My mom and I have a great relationship now. She recently wrote me a long, handwritten letter to apologize for things she had guilt over from my childhood (divorce, some instability, etc.), and I feel like I need to apologize for some things of my own.

[maciesmom]

I'm sure your mom knows you regret things. Who doesn't? I think writing her a letter is a lovely gesture though. Plus it sounds like it would take a burden of guilt off you leaving you fresh to move ahead. So glad to hear you all got through it with a good relationship now! Best of luck to you.

[lauramc27]

I was a horrible teen. I did things on purpose to make my parents mad. I would go out Friday night and not show up again for a week. One time my parents hadn't seen me for 2 weeks only to get a call from the hospital that I was in the ER after a motorcycle accident and that I may be paralyzed. Lucky for me I wasn't, but to see their faces walking into the ER room was so bad. After that, I decided I needed to change or I was going to die.

From that day, I have been clean for almost 30 years. I did appologize to my parents years ago for everything I had done. I just hope my daughter doesn't put me through half of what I put my parents through.

[imcurious]

To the people who were really difficult teens: How did you finally "see the light" or grow up? What changed in you?

To the OP: Write the letter . . .it will do a world of good for both of you. Once you write it and she reads it, have a nice lunch or something and then let it go and start to enjoy the good times together . . .

[NJGOAT]

I have to say, I never looked back and cringed over what I put my parents through. However, being an adult and now having children of my own, I have come to a much greater understanding and appreciation of what my parents went through. I have also changed my perspective about decisions they made that I thought were wrong or resented, but now have come to understand their reasoning for them.

With that said, I find that many people consider letter writing to be very therapeutic, my wife is one of them. Even if you never send the letter to your mom, or hold onto it for a certain time, the mere act of writing everthing out may provide insight and comfort to you in many ways.

[almost3am]

Of course I think back and regret things form when I was growing up, but now I just tell my M&D how good they were at parenting and how lucky I am to have them. I don't go into details, mainly because I don't really like sappy conversations, but they know from my relatively short comments.

[no kudzu]

I was not a bad teen and never caused much heartache for my parents and it is a miracle I didn't. Finally in her old age my mother apologized to me for her many failures. Her comment to me was that she was in so much pain herself it never dawned on her that my brother and I were in pain as well.

Of course we all can see things from both sides now that we are parents ourselves.

[Eresh]

Now that I have two daughters, I look back and cringe at some of the things I used to do that my parents didn't ever find out about. In their eyes, I was the "easy one" who never got into trouble. Oh man, if they ever knew the truth.

[LaFemme86]

Interesting stuff. I wasn't a bad teen as in out of control or getting into major trouble, but I had a lot of resentment and internal anger due to instability (moved/ changed schools a lot), parents divorcing, mom remarrying, etc. It all seemed to have built up, and when I hit puberty I decided the blame would be on my mom. It sounds so terrible and I remember her crying a lot because she just felt she couldn't get through to me. I didn't do drugs or drink excessively; nothing like that. I did act like a sullen teenager and am pretty sure she thought I hated her all through my teen years.

Originally Posted by NJGOAT

I have to say, I never looked back and cringed over what I put my parents through. However, being an adult and now having children of my own, I have come to a much greater understanding and appreciation of what my parents went through. I have also changed my perspective about decisions they made that I thought were wrong or resented, but now have come to understand their reasoning for them.

With that said, I find that many people consider letter writing to be very therapeutic, my wife is one of them. Even if you never send the letter to your mom, or hold onto it for a certain time, the mere act of writing everthing out may provide insight and comfort to you in many ways.

You're right. I get into 'moods' where I can write pages of letters, and I think I will focus my energy next time I get into this mindset towards writing back to my mom.

Originally Posted by imcurious

To the people who were really difficult teens: How did you finally "see the light" or grow up? What changed in you?

To the OP: Write the letter . . .it will do a world of good for both of you. Once you write it and she reads it, have a nice lunch or something and then let it go and start to enjoy the good times together . . .

I "saw the light" mostly through a post I read on here (can't recall which one-- sometimes I scroll back into the history and read through things) about a mother at her wit's end about her daughter. It made me think about whether my mom had anyone to turn to with me. She really loved and still loves me a lot, and is one of those people who would bend over backwards for her daughters (my sister is 12, amd I'm sure my mom's dreading the teen years).

We also live about an hour's plane ride from each other, so I don't see her as often (we skype and talk on the phone at least 3-4x a week though, if not more). I see her about 1-2x a year (maybe more now, previously I was 6 hours away by plane).

Originally Posted by no kudzu

I was not a bad teen and never caused much heartache for my parents and it is a miracle I didn't. Finally in her old age my mother apologized to me for her many failures. Her comment to me was that she was in so much pain herself it never dawned on her that my brother and I were in pain as well.

Of course we all can see things from both sides now that we are parents ourselves.

My mom said exactly that in her letter. A little while ago, we had a big heart to heart about the divorce and instability during my childhood. There were a lot of tears but I think she understood a lot more about how I felt. I don't think she ever realized before, because instead of talking to me about all the things happening (divorce, bio-dad giving up custody when I was 12, step dad adopting me, moving from country to country) she thought she could shelter me from it all. She was very surprised to hear that in my adult years, I went through counseling for these very issues and felt regret for not recognizing these issues on her own (particularly because her parents were both clinical psychologists).

In her letter, following that long talk, she said exactly the same thing-- that she was in so much pain herself and she wanted to be strong for me, so she never showed that pain (or talked to me about mine). She says she regrets it, because it was something that we could have dealt with together, and it really would have strengthened our bond and helped us better pull through the really hard times. It went on to say much more.

I don't and never did truly blame her, she was just a scapegoat for my anger. I knew that everything I was going through, she was going through the same if not worse (bio-dad was abusive, alcoholic, and cheated on her). I guess I just didn't know as a teen how else to deal with it all. I just wish I didn't add on to her already difficult life at the time.


(FWIW, she is doing amazing now... very happy and living the life of her dreams! She went through a lot to get to that point, and you'd never be able to tell by talking to her. I admire her a lot for that.)

[maciesmom]

It all seemed to have built up, and when I hit puberty I decided the blame would be on my mom.

I think that's pretty normal . Look on the bright side, having this perspective, will hopefully prepare and give you patience and understanding when you have teens of your own