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Old 05-20-2012, 04:37 PM
 
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I am in the middle of a very frustrating and very difficult decision making process with my DH. Our kids know we are making this big decision (about buying a house) and hear us talking about it often. They are still very young (oldest 6) so while we listen to their opinions they are not a huge factor. The real issue here is my husband and I working something out. I am aware that some of the ways we relate on decision making could be better and I want to know how some other families go about it. How do you come to a final decision? Does one partner have the final say? How much do you expose your children to? (not screaming or fighting just going back and forth about what we are going to do)
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Old 05-20-2012, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Rogers, Arkansas
1,279 posts, read 4,754,097 times
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A lot of that would depend on the age of the children. At 6 years old, they should have very little input in what house is bought and how the decision is arrived at. I see no problem looking at houses on the internet while they are in the room, but even that would depend on the maturity of the 6 year old, as some may get worried about moving, their friends etc and it would be better to present them with a fait accompli.

When my husband and I bought a house (re-locating from overseas), we looked at houses online when we had time and emailed them to eachother, explaining what we liked or didn't like. Then we each came up with a list of 3 "must haves" 3 "would be nice" and 3 "absolutely nots". My husband travelled to actually look at houses that met most of our list of requirements (I stayed in Ireland as we had 4 months old twins), and in the evening we would chat online and he'd send me photos of the houses. In the end it was between two houses; one that met all requirements and one that didn't meet one of mine (kids rooms were on opposite side of house from master bedroom) but was $80'000 cheaper. Husband let me make the decision, I decided on the cheaper house
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Old 05-20-2012, 04:56 PM
 
1,933 posts, read 3,737,981 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahdeanne View Post
I am in the middle of a very frustrating and very difficult decision making process with my DH. Our kids know we are making this big decision (about buying a house) and hear us talking about it often. They are still very young (oldest 6) so while we listen to their opinions they are not a huge factor. The real issue here is my husband and I working something out. I am aware that some of the ways we relate on decision making could be better and I want to know how some other families go about it. How do you come to a final decision? Does one partner have the final say? How much do you expose your children to? (not screaming or fighting just going back and forth about what we are going to do)

When we purchased our home our children were not involved in the decision making process. At the time one was a baby and the other non-existent. But if I had to do it at the age you are referring to they still would not be a true factor in the decision process. The only factor that would matter would be location, location, location. When my parents bought their first house I was a teen and I had no say in what I wanted. I just had to go along with it and pray that I made new friends in my new school (which I did).

If you are worried that the stress of buying a home and 'discussing' the process with your partner is going to freak the kids out then I suggest wait until they go to bed to discuss your choices.

I do not believe one partner has the final say and it should be a joint decision one that you both agree on. Buying a house is hard enough, finding one that you both like equally difficult but if you compromise things will work out for the long run.

Best of luck to you, hubby and the kids!
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Old 05-20-2012, 05:02 PM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 12,209,576 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahdeanne View Post
I am in the middle of a very frustrating and very difficult decision making process with my DH. Our kids know we are making this big decision (about buying a house) and hear us talking about it often. They are still very young (oldest 6) so while we listen to their opinions they are not a huge factor. The real issue here is my husband and I working something out. I am aware that some of the ways we relate on decision making could be better and I want to know how some other families go about it. How do you come to a final decision? Does one partner have the final say? How much do you expose your children to? (not screaming or fighting just going back and forth about what we are going to do)
It's about compromise always in life. You have to give up on some things, and your mate has to give up on some things. I also don't see an issue with some limited input from the kiddos. Obviously as they get older you can include them in the choices a bit more if you want.
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Old 05-20-2012, 05:35 PM
 
13,975 posts, read 25,820,403 times
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We've moved 4 times since we had children. The only time their input was taken into consideration was this last move. DH and I could not agree, and had easily seen 100 homes. On my last house hunting trip I brought along my 14 yr old. The house we bought was the house he wanted. It backed up to acres of woods, which he thought was cool.

It was not the best choice in the long run, but he served as the tie breaker. I wish we had found a home with a master on the main, which we don't have. At the age of six, no we didn't accept any input.

I have no problem giving younger kids choices in certain things, such as vacations. But houses are a much bigger purchase, and need to be well thought out.
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Old 05-20-2012, 05:47 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,980 posts, read 14,503,399 times
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I'm unclear if the OP means asking for input from the kids, or having an intense discussion in front of the kids?
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Old 05-20-2012, 05:58 PM
 
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Most "intense" discussions are best done after little ones are in bed. As for me...it is really a "cost benefit" issue. I really did not care. Some fights are not worth it. Let him pick the house. Then when anything goes wrong...don't say a word...but he will know. That way you really win in the end.
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Old 05-20-2012, 05:59 PM
 
400 posts, read 563,186 times
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Default clearification

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
I'm unclear if the OP means asking for input from the kids, or having an intense discussion in front of the kids?
I am actually asking for advice on how to make the decision with my husband. (possibly more a relationship than parenting issue) I also wondered how much of the decision making (i.e. discussing opinions and desires when they conflict) is okay to let the kids hear. I have already had to bring them around to homes with us and talked with them about things they like but I am not really considering letting my 6 year old make the decision. Thanks!
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Old 05-20-2012, 06:06 PM
 
400 posts, read 563,186 times
Reputation: 412
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penguin_ie View Post
A lot of that would depend on the age of the children. At 6 years old, they should have very little input in what house is bought and how the decision is arrived at. I see no problem looking at houses on the internet while they are in the room, but even that would depend on the maturity of the 6 year old, as some may get worried about moving, their friends etc and it would be better to present them with a fait accompli.

When my husband and I bought a house (re-locating from overseas), we looked at houses online when we had time and emailed them to eachother, explaining what we liked or didn't like. Then we each came up with a list of 3 "must haves" 3 "would be nice" and 3 "absolutely nots". My husband travelled to actually look at houses that met most of our list of requirements (I stayed in Ireland as we had 4 months old twins), and in the evening we would chat online and he'd send me photos of the houses. In the end it was between two houses; one that met all requirements and one that didn't meet one of mine (kids rooms were on opposite side of house from master bedroom) but was $80'000 cheaper. Husband let me make the decision, I decided on the cheaper house

Thanks, DH and I both enjoyed the practical method in your post. We had something similar (list of requirements) but it seemed to be constantly moving and changing. We may have to revisit this
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Old 05-20-2012, 06:15 PM
 
13,291 posts, read 9,808,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Most "intense" discussions are best done after little ones are in bed. As for me...it is really a "cost benefit" issue. I really did not care. Some fights are not worth it. Let him pick the house. Then when anything goes wrong...don't say a word...but he will know. That way you really win in the end.
Jasper, that is one of the most passive aggressive ways to go about it I've ever heard.
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